To genuinely hate weekends with kids

[ithinkineehelp]

I need to rant as I can’t take it any more. I HATE weekends, to the point that it makes me question why I ever became a mother. I have two boys 5 yo and 3.5 yo. I WANT to enjoy them but they are too much!!! From the moment they wake up (7ish) to the time they go to bed (8ish) they just want want want. It’s constant!! They keep doing their own things, they scream ALL DAY they whine about everything and they whole vibe at home is so negative.
I shout so much and I become a person I hate, but I feel that I am so sick of this whole motherhood thing. I am so overwhelmed and overtouched and overtalked. I can’t do anything I like or eat anything I like. They won’t eat anything, they won’t watch tv not even for 5 minutes, if they play together they pull all the toys down and make a mess and then they fight over one toy. I have to constantly be on top of them. I have zero down time or any time to catch up on any housework or anything else that's not kids related. My husband is useless so everything is on me (story for another thread, please dont fixate on this!!!).
I also have to batch cook for the coming days (we both work full time), sort out all the weekend meals (my kids won’t eat take out or anything from a restaurant) but then they won’t eat anything anyway. I might need to pop to the shops but if I take one of the kids with me I end up yelling or too annoyed at them. We take them out to parks and stuff but they soon get hungry, won't eat anything and then they are miserable. I love them to bits and I want to enjoy them but I can’t!!! They are too much along with everything else I need to do!! I hate my life and I wish I could just leave or jump out a window sometimes... Everyone keep telling me that I am still in the trenches but honestly when will it get easier?? I just need them to eat the food I make them and watch TV without talking to me for an hour! Is it too much to ask??

this is a very sweet comment thank you

My Ds is nearly 4. He is a terrible eater and has various allergies and low weight so I have to get him to eat something.

I tend to make some items he might eat in bulk so I can assemble vague food if he won’t eat what dh and I am having. The only food I can guarantee he will eat is fruit , Greek yogurt and cheese. So I often chop enough melon, or cube cheese or something to last three days in fridge so im not cutting at every meal or snack. Then if I need picnic style food for park I can assemble melon, cheese, blueberries and pretzels in a few mins with no mess.

I think you really have to push through tiredness and get outside though. Mine also doesn’t sleep ever so I’m constantly tired, but I think it’s worse sitting on sofa tired with them moaning, then going outside. They might then play alone a bit or watch tv 30 mins if worn out.

First, I'm sorry for not having any worthwhile advice.
Secondly, without being "smug", this is one of many reasons why I remained child free.
Since my own childhood, I just quietly observed. Mostly other women. Struggling like this would bring me into a madhouse, so to speak.
Sorry again.

it may have come out wrong, we do go outside just not all day. We go for 2-3 hours in the morning and then back home for lunch. sometimes we go again in the afternoon, depending on how the day has been. or the kids play in the terrace (we dont have a garden).
thanks for the tips about the premade snacks i'll try to do that

no worries, tbh i also never wanted kids. the first one was semi-planned but we did discuss not keeping him at some point early on and then decided to give it a go. the second one was unplanned. I think deep down I am still coming to terms with motherhood as a whole and grieving the life i thought I would have/could have had if i didnt have them. i do love them deeply though, i cant imagine a world without them. I just wished i didnt count down the days so much until they are older and wishing their early years away..

I have to agree with the comments on boundaries. And I speak as a parent who frankly, struggles with this myself at times. But you and your DH have absolutely zero boundaries. And, while I appreciate this is goign to be harsh to hear, giving in to them every time is not actually helping them. We had the same "I don't want to go to activity without you/I miss you" from DD in particular. It was so hard to see her plaintive little face but I had to remind myself that she NEEDS to learn to do things without me AND that actually, she loves the acitivy. So lots of conversations with her with me repeating some version of, "I know you miss me, but it's a super fun activithy and I can't wait to see what you learnt".

Sometimes, when I find it really hard, I ask myself why is it that, no matter how much they didn't want to hold my hand while crossing the road when they were little, I still made them. They'd whine and cry and pull away and I was completely firm. Because it was unsafe for them to be on the road otherwise. Being firm didn't do them any harm. So being firm in other situations won't either.

And your DH is a twat. I'm sorry. But he is. He is massively undermining things by constantly giving them sweets etc. Also, he needs to take them out alone. To the park, for 20 minutes, but this fear is ridiculous and if it is genuine, he needs to seek additional help. Be proactive. Instead of you being left to pick up the pieces. It's all very well him saying that you shoudl be able to manage and he did fine when you were away - but you say he also wont' even take them to the park. Ridiculous.

Finally, how old are you? That sense of being completely and totally overwhelmed is pretty normal with young DC. It's ALSo true that it's pretty common with peri menopause. I remember saying to my Gp in my first "is this peri" conversation that I wasn't sure if this was hormonal or just the reality of a very busy life, work and money stress, and young kids.

Having just read this post after I'd already posted, you could also be suffering from PND. A lot of what you say here really resonates with how I felt after DS was born.

@ithinkineehelp - ah ok, I thought you meant you don’t go outside with them daily.

I don’t think many people understand some children won’t eat. I literally could not name you a single actual meal Ds would reliably eat. He’s recently started eating plain buttered gnocchi if you haven’t tried that yet?

Well, you genuinely seem very strong! 💝

I am 38

OP, I really feel for you. I hope you will find a way through somehow 💗

You could try a time timer or a visual timer for them, there are apps. I work with kids this age, and this is something we’ve found works well with many. Set it for just 5-15 minutes in the beginning, and after that you will play with them or whatever.

That sounds really hard and I don't have great advice I'm afraid, particularly as I only have 1 child.

But I was definitely in the depths of being overwhelmed a few months ago and things have got better since then. Stuff that has helped that might help you:

• I realized I actually find family time with my husband around more stressful than 1:1 time with my child. Not because DH is useless but because DS gets sooo clingy to me if DH is around, so I can't do anything and feel overwhelmed, DH feels rejected and keeps trying to get DS to play with him and DS is in a "mummy do it!" panic the whole time. Now we spend part of the weekend on family time, but arrange some 1:1 activities for DS with both me and DH. Things are calmer.
• For me, having some ideas of the structure for the weekend ahead of time is important. An "out all day model" is too much at the moment, but a morning and afternoon activity each day with lunch at home in the middle is quite a nice pace.
• it sounds like your DH needs his confidence boosted as a parent. Is there something he could take your DC to one at a time - like going to the park and then getting a hot chocolate at a cafe or something - that would be good 1:1 time, low stress parenting for him and get one of the kids out of your hair for a bit? Low expectations to start, but build it up gradually?
• How to talk so little kids will listen has some good tips for mealtimes, sibling conflict and general problem solving strategies with kids
• Regarding food, what will your kids reliably eat at home that's not treats? Serve that for now and keep it all really simple so that it's not really frustrating if they reject it.

Good luck!

Can you chuck them in the garden and leave them to get on with it?

Right this might not be helpful but it works with my 3.5 year old... I find he can sense it when I'm feeling touched out / fed up and it makes him needier. If I make sure I'm really present and loving with him he feels reassured and is then a much nicer child to be around and we have a lovely time. Could you try this?

They eat "something? "
Anything can be taken as a picnic
A thermal pot of plain pasta

yes they can definitely sense it!!! we dont have a garden but we have a terrace, i do let them go out but they still call out mummy mummy to help out or they come in & out to refill their buckets with water (we dont have running water out there)

Who is bringing the junk food/snacks into the house?

DH because he eats them too or he will buy them when we are out. He will proactively promise them too eg we said we will go to the park on Saturday and he said "lets go and i'll get you ice cream" as a way to get them out of the house. the trouble is that they then fixate on that and can't enjoy anything else.

It's probably because they can sense you pulling away and they're desperate to be with you.

In your shoes I would be kicking out / divorcing useless husband (I did this and suddenly parenting my two (a little younger than yours) became a lot more joyous because I wasn't filled with resentment at the third man child.

Physical activity and outdoors are your friends, especially now it's getting warmer. Take them both out (no one is going to die and what you're currently doing isn't helping with your exhaustion so just give it a go) and try to enjoy them, play, throw balls etc. They will appreciate it and hopefully the fresh air and fun with mummy will calm them down too.

Seriously, having the useless man about will be making this so much worse for you. Wishing you the best.

sure but that implies I have to cook the pasta ahead of time, which i know it sounds silly in the grand scheme of things but its just another thing for me to do... i know i need to try a little harder, you have a valid point on getting the pasta with me. but i am so tired and overwhelmed that it feels just adding wood to the fire really

What do they eat?
Having their food already prepped to grab and go can be useful.

Your dh really needs to stop with the sweets though otherwise your Dc will end up with bad teeth. Too many kids are having extractions and fillings at a young age.

Do neither of them watch any tv? Would they like things about trains, dinosaurs or sharks?
I have two boys with the same age gap and I'm now an expert on of those along with other vehicles

With parenting, a lot of it is hard work now for some good times later. Think of your time and attention as being an investment into their wellbeing and for more relaxed time later.

If they don't get enough positive attention, then kids often play up because they know they'll get some attention even though it's negative. Negative attention is better than no attention.

This Is so hard, I really feel for you. I know you don't want to focus on this, but you have a DH problem. He won't take them out, he's not batch cooking, his approach to food is making the situation many times more difficult.

Can you do couples therapy? (Remember this is not recommended if there is abuse in the relationship).

One earphone under your hair. Put on good tunes/ audiobook to help your mood.

I have definitely been where you are! It will get better!

You say they eat brilliantly at nursery: great news. So don't panic too much for now about what they eat with you (although I agree high sugar should be avoided). They are getting god nutrition more days than not so well done.

In terms of chores can you give them a rota and a reward for helping out (I know they are little but they can help). Maybe limit this to one hour each morning then plan some outdoor activity you can all do.

They might not eat a takeaway but you and DH can so less to cook for you at weekends.

If you can pay a cleaner do that. Anything to take the stress off you.

Try sure start as well as someone else recommended. Or some colleges are looking for placements for nursery nurse students and that can really give you a break.

Can you reduce your hours at all maybe to have an afternoon off while they are at nursery?

Do whatever you can to make your life easier and try and arrange a treat at weekends for everyone to have fun time.

Hi OP, first of all I just want to give you a big hug! You are doing your best for your kids while managing full time job and household chores. You are clearly overwhelmed at this point and it impacts their behaviour too.
I would suggest that you talk to the GP about how you feel. It’s important that you look after yourself and that you have the relevant care in place (be it some form of therapy, medication or sick leave to give you a break).
You could also speak to their nursery to see what do they eat there and cook just that for them to eat at home. Plain pasta could do for couple of days, and they will want something else later on. Also, simply do not buy any sweets for home; ice cream on your outing etc. Put on a challenge - only natural sugar for a couple of weeks and see if it makes a difference to their behaviour. Give them both small gifts they really would like if they complete the challenge.
DH may feel overwhelmed by young kids too and the dynamics in your family has changed. Nevertheless, try to reach out to him and agree couple of simple things he could help you with around the house.
Think about one activity you like to do with kids and do not feel overwhelmed and just stick to it for few weekends. Involve them in meal prep and laundry sorting and cleaning. They would feel part of the household and connected to you. As it seems that they are craving attention and trying to attract it anyway they can even if it’s negative reaction, you still respond to them.
And cut the amount of toys they have, leave 5 for each of them to play with and store all the rest; change once they are bored for next weekend.
Your life is precious, and you mean a lot to yourself, them and everyone around you. The difficulty is temporary and you took a first important step to overcome them by sharing your struggles.