Parents and play date politics (Title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Okeydokedeva]

Got a strong willed, sweet but shy 4yr old ds. He can make some wonderful spontaneous friendships but struggles in large groups. He has a good friend at nursery and she and he has a lovely friendship. Every day he tells me stories and dreams about her. His little face melts.

the mum of the girl is heavily pregnant. She is local and has lots of friends I think. We don’t have much in common beyond the kids. We organised a play date at mine and it was clear to all of us how well they got on. Since then she has made lots of excuses and I feel a bit of a nag/Wally. Eventually she messaged me saying I was ‘overwhelming’ and that she had said she was pregnant and not making plans. I’ve tried to explain to my boy that his friends mum is tired etc. he does keep asking. It sucks. I feel really sad and ashamed. I feel like I am no good at this making friends with strangers thing. But most of all I feel so sad for him as this is his fave friend by far and it’s been going on three months now like this.

any advice????

The word crush isn’t appropriate for a friendship between 4/5 year olds- you probably have been too full on and overwhelming. Give the family space and suggest something low key in a few months if the kids still play together at nursery.

Yes I'm sorry OP, crush put me off also. Even if you haven't used this term but have been oohing and aahing over them it might feel too much. I hope you can get back to being friends.

It’s just shorthand for the title @DailyEnergyCrisis and he really does like her a lot. I just find this having to try and read and say the right thing to people, especially english people ( I am not from here) very difficult. Plenty of parents I know are normal, friendly and keen to meet up but plenty are also like this lady, just feels quite mean.

But they really do like each other- so what is the appropriate english word for that then??

Firstly, chill out. Don't use the word crush to describe a friendship between four years olds, it's creepy.

I'd have asked if the other child wanted to come over and play sans parents. Or if you could take the two of them out together somewhere. The mum gets a rest and you get a playdate for your son. Given her message though, the only way to go forward now is to send a brief apology text and then leave it until she contacts you.

It won't do your son any harm to learn he can't always have what he wants.

OP, how many times have you messaged to arrange play dates? I understand it’s tricky when our kids want to see their friends outside of school and the Mum isn’t as enthusiastic. I’ve been on the receiving end of a Mum who wanted weekly/fortnightly play dates or always wanted something in the diary and it was overwhelming. Maybe take a step back, acknowledge your sons feelings and reassure him they will see each other at school. Just have a pause for now.

Don’t feel sad or ashamed though, your heart is in the right place xx

If he sees her at nursery that's enough he doesn't also need to see her outside of that it's a bit full on especially at their age

The appropriate word is "friends"

It's a tough one, but nit unusual. DC make friend's with who they like, and often the parents would never naturally strike up a friendship themselves. It can be awkward.

You need to encourage your son to play with other children , you’ve obviously been too pushy with this mum . Invite some other people from nursery , at that age friendships come and go .

@NuffSaidSam i didn’t suggest she drop her off as it feels too early for that. I did suggest maybe both dads could get together or she would be more than welcome to out her feet up and we could entertain both kids at ours while she rested. I just don’t understand what I did wrong.

The children are friends. That's it. They are very small children and pushing a romanticised version of their friendship is totally inappropriate.

Eventually she messaged me saying I was ‘overwhelming’ and that she had said she was pregnant and not making plans.

This is rather worrisome, op. Just how many times had you pestered her for her to issue this response? Most people would not say something so forceful unless they had been really pushed to the edge.

@MummaMummaJumma maybe once a fortnight, three or four times? I don’t have many friends with children of the same age locally and we live literally a few minutes away from each other.

its just not the first time I have been ghosted. So I am wondering what’s wrong with me. The first mum we used to see every week in lockdown and then she just stopped replying. The second ignored me once I became disabled. The third moved away and kept cancelling even though we have been friends for a decade. This is the fourth so evidently it is me that has a problem there is something wrong with me or how I communicate.

as I say, with other mum friends there is no issue - they welcome the chat and are also making suggestions to meet. We have a laugh etc but their kids and mind don’t get on so well. As soon as I find a friend he loves, boom, somehow I ruin it for him. Feel terrible.

That's fine, if it doesn't feel right don't do it.

You know what you did wrong because she told you, you messaged her too many times/were over enthusiastic. The key now is that you accept that, learn from it and move on.

You just sound full on. And crush is inappropriate.

it’s better for him to have a wide circle of friends. See this as a teaching moment. Ask the teacher if there are any other friendships you should encourage, kids he also gets on with. Maybe do a few activities outside of school?

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit what do you mean by sexualised language?? Or course I am not suggesting something inappropriate.

@Aquamarine1029 Wow I feel truly shit now. Thanks for the feedback. i think I’m just going to stop contacting other parents full stop and let them come to me, evidently I am some kind of psycho pervert.

Friend!

I think you may have been just a bit too pushy OP. A 4 year old friendship is very shallow really- I am a TA and friendships change practically every day at that age.
For now I think you need to back off a bit. Let them play together at nursery. Take things a bit slower, just chat at nursey pick ups and drop offs.
A crush means two people who overwhelmingly love/fancy each other - definitely not the right word and if you have used this word to the mum I’m not surprised she is keeping you at arms length.

Using crush to describe the friendship between two pre schoolers is sexualising them OP.

He has plenty of other friends and I have really tried to broaden his circle and he sees his cousin often but every single time they come over he asks ‘when is x coming over?’ So it feels mega shit that the feedback is I am horrible and pushy.

Do you think it's possible that you become too over-eager and clingy when you've made a new friend? For example, you had one nice playdate, and then you're wanting to arrange other playdates all the time. If so, that can be way too much for most people.

Maybe your follow-up approach needs a little tweaking.

A lot of people don't bother with play dates at nursery age. Maybe she's in that camp, especially if she has other friends to catch up with. At that age my weekends were decided by me and dh and dc, I wouldn't have arranged play dates as I'd much prefer to do something else with my precious time off. When I was heavily pregnant with my second I made it through the working week then wanted to do as little as possible with my evenings and weekends. I think you need to take a massive step back. Your child will play with his friend at nursery, that's enough. Do fun family stuff outside of nursery.

@Okeydokedeva

Saying they have a mutual crush is wildly inappropriate for the age group

If you've said my son is crushing on your daughter/they have a mutual crush at FOUR she probably sees it as a giant red flag.

Have you actually used the word “crush” when speaking with the other parent? If so that could have completely weirded her out.

Other than that I think you’re taking it too personally. Lots of people just don’t want to have play dates and coffees etc, she may just think nursery is enough and doesn’t want to have to put the energy into anything else.

@Aquamarine1029 she isn’t my friend. Ive no shortage of my own friends thanks, plenty of whom are lifelong. I’ve no interest in making friends. This is a dynamic that is only happening since I became a parent. I’ve never ever had anyone say I was overwhelming them before. I’m only interested or reaching out because my child has repeatedly asked me to.