Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

If you trust them for childcare, you’re gonna have to suck it up! On the other hand ….

I do about that level of childcare for my DGC, I’m 58 and it’s knackering.
Expecting an 81 year old to cope with a baby is insanely unreasonable, not to mention dangerous.

What if she had a medical incident whilst alone with the baby, it doesn’t bear thinking about.

@Eleano never mind the very elderly grandparents…

I will also be there working from the same room on my laptop.

This is completely unworkable… at 9m+ they will be crawling/walking and capable of wriggling away from Grandma straight over to cling onto your leg, clamber onto your laptop and sit on your laptop to prevent any work whatsoever….

Get childminder or full time nursery place.

That's way too much childcare for her to provide. My in laws are similar age (and one with dementia) and I literally wouldn't leave my children alone with them for a minute (and haven't). My own mum is 10 years younger and very fit and healthy but is exhausted by a day looking after my baby.

Booked the nursery for 5 days a week as soon as these replies started coming through (yikes)! I had no idea that 9-month olds are such a handful as it's my first DC and also the first DC of the wider family after many decades. I also didn't realise that working from home would become a challenge with DC there which makes sense now.

MIL will be upset and I cannot tell her it's because she's too old to childmind as she will be offended.

Also MIL went and bought herself an expensive large new car just last year that she couldn't comfortably afford "to treat herself" so on the driving front would also take offence to not being viewed as a capable enough driver. But I'll say no thanks to both and figure out how to do so softly.

My FIL on the other hand, I will be reporting to DVLA if/after I've established that he's not handing his licence in himself.

I feel like I need to reassess a few things after this thread as both me and DH are clueless in terms of DCs and dementia.

I don’t know when grandparents looking after DC because they want to, became ‘exploiting elderly people’. My parents and ILs DONT provide childcare for me because we live at the other end of the country. But they do for my siblings. My MIL who is 73 looked after my nieces who are 4 and 2 almost full time for 3 months when DSIL worked abroad for a stint, only a few years ago. And she looks after them 3 or 4 days per week including overnights. I never thought this was not normal tbh.

As an aside though I would definitely not want FIL driving DC anywhere if he had dementia. He shouldn’t be driving at all!

My auntie (who is 83) is looking after and driving her grandchildren 4 times a week. Some can do some can not.
However, with dementia (even if it isn't diagnosed yet), I definitely wouldn't. Especially if she gets used to driving around your child now, it will be extremely hard to make her understand in a few months or year later why she can't do it anymore. I think the best is not to introduce someone with dementia to something new and big responsibility like this.

Good updates on the nursery, OP.

Your FIL definitely shouldn’t be driving and MIL needs scrutiny , regardless of her new car. Make sure your DH travels with her in the car often to be sure of catching her before she becomes unsafe.

I’d have no hesitation reporting anyone unsafe to drive, so it’s good you’re prepared to do that if you FIL doesn’t take himself off the road and your DH doesnt see the issue.

If I couldn't trust them to drive with my child in the car I also wouldn't trust them to childmind.
How would an elderly lady be able to compete with an emergency such as a choking incident.
It's unfair and unsafe.

There is a huge difference between late 60’s / early 70’s and over 80!
I was early 50’s when doing 7.30-5.00 daily childcare when my DgC was a baby, thankfully he would nap for 2- 3 hours after lunch and so would I.

It's nothing to do with age, it's to do with capabilities.

So if you're worried about them then you have to say no.

And if everything is within walking distance it's far easier to do that then get babies in and out of car seats.

What time of year will it be?

Where does it say that? Can't find it!

@Nanny0gg

3rd post of OP’s

Ah! Seen it now (I was on the wrong page!)

Your baby will be all over you and want you!

Plus how on earth would you concentrate if MIL was playing with them!

No way, sorry.

And you'd be watching them like a hawk...

Sorry! Was on the wrong page!

This is sadly very true.

Hi OP have only read your replies. Definitely the way forward to book a nursery incase ILs struggle.
Fair to say I am 20 years younger but I would struggle to entertain a 9 month old for 5 hours 3 times a week . I have grandchild every Thursday afternoon and overnight and I am knackered by home time.

@Eleano Don't tell her that you're worried that she won't cope.

Tell her you just want them to be grandparents not childminders and then make sure you see them frequently!

She may not fall for it but it's face-saving. And she'll probably be grateful if her DH gets any worse

This.

You should probably just not discuss the childcare/driving for now, but take an interest in FIL's condition and what treatment or support he needs.

As it worsens he will need increasing support and supervision and MIL will need you both to support her.

If he has capacity, encourage them to sort out lasting powers of attorney and wills asap. And think about any practical help or other stuff they need now or in the future. Driving is obviously an issue but there may be others- keeping up with gardening, diy / decorating / fixing stuff.

Dementia is bloody hard on everyone, be as prepared as you can.

This.
I was going to say YABU bringing age into it, as my MIL is in her 80s and still absolutely fine driving (touch wood) and drives everywhere.
From what you've said though, no chance.
Go with your instincts, it's not worth the risk.
If they get upset, tough. Rather that than the unthinkable.

Good that you have booked the nursery now.

I get why you are nervous about telling MIL, but perhaps you could just quietly say to her that you are worried about how they will cope when FIL's illness progresses, as it inevitably will, but that she could possibly be your occasional go-to for emergency childcare. Perhaps she could also babysit for the odd evening so that you and DH can go out, if a friend can sit with FIL for the evening.

Some of that will obviously depend on how things go with FIL. Dementia can be very variable in how quickly or slowly it progresses. It is something both you and she will have to have an eye on.

My FIL had fast advancing Motor Neurone Disease when my three DDs were still very young (aged 7 years, 3 years and just a few weeks/months old) so MIL was very tired and tied up caring for him. She did have the 7 year old and the 3 year old for just one night when I was admitted to hospital at 35 weeks of pregnancy for an emergency caesarean (DD3). Other than that though, DH was caring for them, and the next day my own mother arrived to take over.

You don't have to suddenly tell her there will be no childcare. Have her as your back up.

Good decision in your update. My experience of working around children is that they don’t understand why mummy isn’t available for playing when clearly you’re still in the house.

I agree this is too much given their age.
I also agree with you that driving is a potential problem. My MIL has had two accidents in last couple of years and I would be worried letting my dc in her car tbh..

Oh great update. You could just tell your MIL that you can’t handle wfh with the baby there due to noise etc so it has to be nursery. Offer her a Saturday etc instead, at her own house or yours but a situation she doesn’t have to drive in! X