Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

Good grief, why aren't you reporting your FIL to DVLA for a start? And you shouldn't be asking either of them to look after your child. Your MIL will have enough on her hands, looking after your FIL.

This is never going to work. Your PIL are really not up to doing that level of childcare you are expecting them to, however willing they may be at the moment.

DD was walking at 9 months and I was forever running after her. There is no way an 80 year old could have kept her safe. If they have any sense they will see that for themselves once the baby is here and back out. You need an alternative plan.

You are being unreasonable. Not for not wanting your MIL to drive your DC but for wanting her to look after an infant for several hours on a regular basis. What if baby is an early walker and she’s having to run around after them and have eyes in the back of her head? Shared parental leave is a thing nowadays, if you’re the main breadwinner then DH can stay home or work PT around your hours.

I am 77 and I couldn’t do that amount of child minding safely.

Absolutely unreasonable to ask someone so elderly to be a childminder while she also has a husband with dementia.
Not fair on her or the child. 5 hours three days a week is a big chunk of time.

caring for a baby at 80…. Good lawd! I hope this is a joke

I do (81 and 84), but then I have no doubt about their driving ability. I also have a good relationship with them and we communicate well, if I ever did have any concerns I would voice them

Driving aside, this, x 1000.

My PIL are 78 and 80 and they both still drive but not, in my opinion, safely.

I wouldn’t let them drive me or my child anywhere (I’m 53 - I don’t have a small child but hypothetically I wouldn’t).

I'm 66. I'd find babysitting a small baby far too much for me. Over 80? No. You're putting your baby at risk. Nursery rather than that. As for the driving, no, never.

You're expecting your MIL, in her 80s, to care for your baby for three days every week - while she is also coping with a husband who has dementia - but you don't trust her to drive? Bloody hell.

If I was your MIL, I think I would be saying that I didn't want to be an unpaid nanny if I wasn't ever allowed to take the baby out in the car.

If you genuinely think her driving isn't safe, then YANBU to say you'd rather she didn't drive with your child. However, I think you've got a bloody nerve then asking her to care for your child for three days a week.

I had the same problem with my Dad ‘s driving, he wasn’t completely fit to drive believe me but refused to give up his licence. I just said that I wouldn’t let him drive DD ( and me) there was a big quarrel but mainly because Mum said that I was unreasonable one. I didn’t listen much as my parents were always very relaxed about safety. They were not involved in my childcare plans at all so it was easier.
By the way I agree with everyone that your childcare plans are unreasonable. Looking after baby is exhausting and is very different from doing exercises where you can stop whenever you like. As to FIL dementia diagnosis… a word of warning- the deterioration might come very quickly, he can stay the same for the next 6 months and then go downhill in weeks so you really need to have plan B at least for this reason.

One approach is to point to data that early year infants are highly susceptible to neck injury from any jolts/impacts. My DW and I didn't travel with either of our DC until they were 2ish years for any significant journeys. Also point to the fact that people are more distracted these days etc etc. If possible don't make it about their age. Hope this helps, I wish you well.

They re way too old to be providing childcare ….I’m really shocked….I’m 59….i was 50 when first first DC was born…..i was always knackered looking after the baby even for a few hours …..and your parents have 30 years on me 🙄

My Mum is 82 this year, having my 9 and 12 year old for any length of time is too much for her. Once or twice a year she might stay at ours and we will go out for dinner and leave the kids at home, but the kids are fed and in pyjamas before we leave. She doesn't usually do any more than 30 mins here or there at other times. There is no way she would cope with a baby for 5 hours.

If you dont think its safe for your child in the car with MIL, how come you think its safe for other peoples children to be around the car - if one runs put in front of her car would she stop sharply enough? Does she react to pedestrian crossings? Cyclists?
Either she is able to drive safely (her AND for other road users) or she isnt. You cant say its safe for other people to be around her driving, but not your child.

Also - sadly dementia is usually unpredictable - sudden worsening, a plateau of unpredictable length, a gradual worsening, or a sudden acceleration ...you dont know what FIL will be like in 9 months time. It isnt just slowing down and being forgetful, you cant predict how his mood or personality will be impacted. So really you need a Plan B at least.

Sorry, OP, I just dont think youre being realistic.

I'm 54 and look after my wonderful but very busy 18 month old grandson a day a week. It's fab and I have an amazing relationship with him but do not underestimate how tiring looking after a small person can be.
Plus we tend to do an activity in the mornings (soft play, farm visit etc) so I'd be really stuck without my car .

Just tell them not to bother as you can share a car seat and they're really expensive. Then when the time comes you will have had more time to assess how you feel about it and how to approach it.

I am early 60s and childmind for my grandson of a similar age. I’m more used to it now but when I first started I was totally and utterly exhausted. There’s a reason women have the menopause and it’s to stop them having babies when they are too old to look after them. 80s is far too old but I know my elderly mum still thinks she’s young in her head but the reality is very different. I definitely don’t think a 80 something should be childminding

Please book the nursery. I can’t imagine it going well with someone so elderly who already has caring responsibilities needing to provide that level of childcare.
plus small children pick up bugs like nobody’s business so they and your in laws will be struggling with illness ALL THE TIME. Your future self will appreciate you overruling your (totally deluded) husband.

plus. On the issue of being there too. This is usually worse for the babies. They know their mum is there but is ignoring them! It’s a horrible set up for all involved.

good luck!

No

100% no.

If you cannot persuade FIL to surrender his licence (and offer to post it to the DVLA if that is the way to do it), then tell the DVLA now. Don't let him have some reason to drive say if your MIL is under the weather.

Your MIL needs all the energy she can to look after FIL, as sadly things may become more difficult.

He won't let them know, OP. That will be your next battle.

I refused to let elderly relative of DH drive my youngest anywhere, because I'd seen them trying to park and also pulling out in traffic without looking. I later found out via another relative that they'd had several accidents but kept quiet about it.

Please don't let either of them drive your child.

I see you would be working at home in the same house when MIL babysits, so that's up to you to judge from the circumstances which are best known to you. But be prepared for her getting very tired, very easily or having to deal with FIL's issues and therefore not being as reliable as you'd wish. Better off with proper childcare.

Not only would the driving be a worry, so would your DM securing your wriggling, tantrumming child properly in a car seat.

Also, did you really think that you could sit quietly working at home while your child knew you were there?!

I'm glad you seem to have made the decision to get professional childcare.

I think I would have the baby before mapping out the first year of its life tbh. A lot could change in a year, particularly for the 80-somethings.