Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

Gosh, I feel bad when I have to ask my mum if she can watch the kids while I have an appt and she is over 20years younger than your MIL!

Surely this plan is unsustainable. That’s a lot for an 80+ year old person to take on even before you add on the caring responsibility she has to her husband.

My wife’s Nan was fit, strong, completely capable at 80. I don’t think she’d have had any trouble caring for a baby as she is so good with the great grandkids and loves children so much. So I don’t think people should jump to conclusions about what an 80 year old can handle. But by 82nd birthday she was frail and terminally ill. She died a few days later. Just have a back up plan. At 80 anything can happen and it’s a whole year away. By then she might not be up for it, or more likely will be caring for her husband whos dementia is likely to have progressed.

It will be quite awkward to say "you can drive yourself over here to do chioldcare, but I think there is too high a risk of you having a crash to drive the baby" - it directly implies you are fine with putting her life in danger six times a week (to and fro x 3 days) for your convenience!

Have you considered shared parental leave, your husband takes the last few months of your maternity? Might work out better if you're the higher earner. His mum can always help him.

As long as your child is properly strapped into a rearfacing seat that is properly installed in the car, it's highly unlikely they'd be injured in a low speed collision anyway... presumably your mum will be pootling around at slow speeds locally. I think I'd worry more about your mum falling while carrying the baby or that kind of thing.

Honestly, people are over reacting. Your MIL sounds perfectly capable from what you've said, she's the one that's offered, I would 100% be taking up the offer too.

Even if you're not sure, you could try it and have a back up plan in case it is too much, but she may manage perfectly fine too.

If you're worried about the driving then you need to tell her and make your concerns clear, then come to a plan with her. No driving for the first few weeks until she's seen how she feels with the babysitting to start off? Just go for walks / local places. Then if she wants to go out, doing some test drives with you there to see how she copes. If you think it's risky then have the conversation and agree she doesn't go out / you find alternative care if she insists she still wants to take them.

A crying baby in the back making her more flustered might not be something she's considered and she might decide she prefers not to. I hated driving with my DC and avoided the car for that reason!

I would be very clear that FIL is not to drive with them, no matter how tired she is.
If she's serious about having your baby, then she will understand.

Good luck OP.

So you're entrusting your baby to the care of a 81yo woman who gets tired, flustered and with poor reflexes. You really think that your only problem is her driving your child!?

15 hours over 3 days isn't 'babysitting'. You need to rethink this whole arrangement.

I’m pretty sure that your FIL condition is notifiable to the DVLA and he will at some point be driving illegally. Here is information on driving and dementia.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/staying-independent/driving-dementia

You cannot expect that much care from your in laws. My MIL is fit for her age and is 82 but that’s a lot of care and she would be really tired. Maybe one day a week.

Your whole plan is madness! Even a relatively fit and healthy 81 year old is going to struggle to look after a baby for 15 hours a week on top of an elderly husband with dementia. The driving aspect is a complete no no! I’m a 52 year old Nanna with a 15 month old grandchild, work part time with dementia patients and do 12 hours a week childcare to help my Son and partner out trust me I’m worn out by the end of the week. If MIL is getting flusterer driving what on earth is she going to be like when she’s trying to calm down a screaming 9 month old baby! Time for a rethink!

hi op.
im sorry but I need to echo the childcare arrangement.
my Nan isn’t even 80 yet. She’s in a care home, with bad dementia, she can’t look after herself. She went downhill fast around the time my Son was born in November 2021 as she had a sudden bleed on the brain.
my grandad is no longer with us. He died at aged 69 from a heart attack.
my Grandma my other side is in her early 80s but can’t walk without a stick.
I’m really unsure that 5 hours 3 times a week will work. My Nan with the dementia was so so so physically fit and she meant so well. I really wouldn’t be relying on people in their 80s :-(

I think you should discount your in-laws from your childcare plans, as well as driving your child around. How can you say they're not fit to drive, yet be happy for them to essentially work part-time providing childcare for you at 80+?!
I hate seeing posts like this. People happy to take advantage of family members' goodwill in providing free childcare, yet critical of their ability to even manage day to day life, and want to dictate terms. 'But they offered' is not an excuse!
Just pay for childcare like others do, let the grandparents visit whenever they want/visit them regularly, and don't ask them to babysit or provide childcare. If you're always there, then the driving thing won't be an issue.

Yeah sorry OP but you need a plan B, like NOW. 81 is absolutely not a fit age to be looking after a baby that much in a week. She might cope initially even with you there, but it will eventually exhaust her and you'll be stuck last minute with no childcare and no places available. And in 12 months time things will be completely different, probably worse off by then with FIL possible dementia and MIL being another year older. Dont do it, your baby won't be getting the care it needs and your PIL will massively struggle. Get a nursery or childminder place sorted now. My DH wouldn't even argue with this because he wouldnt be so naive about our childs needs. I appreciate its your first baby, but its exhausting!!

I was thinking the same thing when I read the OP!

My parents were in their 80s when I had my first. I would never have had them do childcare, they simply weren't aware enough or strong enough or quick enough to look after a baby safely on their own for half an hour, let alone five hours. With the best will in the world, I think this is very unwise and you should re-think your plans. If you insist, then try them out first at least. Have them look after your baby in your house for five hours while you work in a room and see how they get on before committing to this.

You honestly wont be able to do your job and 'care for your baby' between meetings.

This mirrors my experience.
My mum looked after my two eldest kids usually 1 or 2 days a week (not at the same time as the eldest was at school by the time I returned to work after the second) until she was 74 and a change of circumstances meant she didn't need to any more. She was still sprightly and fit until she turned 80, and everyone always commented that she was young and fit for her age. Then shortly after turning 80 she developed vascular dementia and the decline was astonishing.
I'm not saying this happens to every fit and sharp 80 year old, but it's something to think about.

So your concerns aren't exploiting an elderly family member caring for her dementia suffering husband, but rather that same elderly person that's capable of providing childcare three times a week for 5 or more hours driving? I mean... I don't it. I don't get anyone that would leave a baby with someone for long term childcare while they were caring for someone with dementia. Visits, yeah. A couple of hours even. But part time hours at their age with one of them likely to have gradually increasing moments of confusion. One of them driving should be the least of your concerns.

You are not happy for an 81 year old to drive your baby but it’s absolutely fine for her to care for them for 15 hours per week?

You sound very selfish and entitled OP. I would seriously give your head a good wobble about your money saving choices and exploitation of two elderly people. Has she not got enough on her plate caring for a husband with dementia without taking on your responsibilities too?

Whilst only in her 60s my mum made a potentially fatal mistake with my daughter's car seat and threw all her toys out of the pram when I pointed it out. Both parents are now in their 80s and I don't think they should be on the road at all.

I’m 71 and help my daughter once or twice a week with a 2 year old who will soon go to nursery.
I am going to look after my other grandchild once a week from August. I have already agreed to do this at their house. I also said to my daughter in law that if I am doing anything she doesn’t like or wouldn’t want me to do she must tell me. It’s her baby not mine.
I would expect any parent to tell me if they had any doubts about my capability. I would not be upset.
Talk to your mother in law. It is very tiring . You wouldn’t want her falling asleep while looking after baby either. And driving….definitely not.

Im actually astounded at this post, your father jn law needs reporting and his license revoked. The mother in law needs assessing as well as she condones him driving. And shes not fit to drive either as she gets “flustered”. And letting an 81 year old “babysit” fir 5 hours just to save some money is disgusting and bordering in child endangerment and neglect, sort yourself out.your child's safety is patamount

I've seen a couple of threads recently about the exploitation of elderly relatives for free childcare.

Besides the point of it not being fair, I can guarantee you that you won't be getting any work done with your 9 month old in the vicinity. If they can see you, they'll want you.

Just pay for childcare. I understand the concern with illness at nursery, but they'll pick up bugs wherever they go - groups, soft play, the library. Or will your child only socialise with an 80 year old?

how does she sound perfectly capable?

"Presumably" doing some heavy lifting there. What about her reaction times to other drivers' errors, or pedestrians?

'Her reflexes are slow', but you want her to look after your crawling/walking 9 month old 3 times a week. Clueless and self-centred.