Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

Anyone who has a child free wedding (which is fine) and then gets annoyed about people declining is a massive knob. On that basis, I would decline and let her be annoyed. I wouldn’t be bending over backwards to attend at 7 weeks pp, booking air bnbs for grandparents and all that shite.

Don't go, babes in arms should ALWAYS be an exception to the no children rule and the new parents should take all steps to make sure to take them out if they're crying during the ceremony.

At 5-7 weeks I was getting 45-60 minutes sleep every 3h. No more than 4h total.
My baby only napped in my arms not my partners, not my MILs
She cried for the bulk of the day and my partner couldn't sooth her
She was just starting to have feeding aversions caused by her reflux so it could take 3 attempts to feed her
I did had post natal depression and I couldn't make conversation with my partner and his parents never mind have the energy and focus to make small talk at a wedding.
The head fuzz was unreal and even making a cup of tea was a challenge never mind doing a 20 minute round trip to do a feed. My daughter fed every 90 minutes too so that could mean returning every hour. She had a bottle aversion caused by reflux and allergies.

If you have a reflux baby and 40% of babies have some form of reflux you could find yourself in a tricky position in a strange place. The 3h drive could take you all day. At 7 weeks we could only go as far as my parents half an hour away before she started scream. A 3h journey could easily be 2-6 stops! She had 10-20 poos a day due to allergies so that could be 2-3 poos during the 3h journey all need changing quickly to avoid nappy rash. We did cloth nappies which reduce clothing changes and if she was in a disposable it was a full outfit changed which isn't fun in the back of the car or the motorway services with hit and miss levels of cleanliness.

If you were local and if you own comforts and not having to shell out cash to attend I would say it's worth rolling the dice on a well behaved baby but to pay money for someone that simultaneously puts blockers on you attending and will be annoyed if those blocks stops you from going I would not be going

I went to a wedding 5 weeks after a C-section with my first baby. We had a room in the hotel where the reception was. Dd was allowed in the reception and nobody minded dd and I popping back to the room regularly.

It was a total nightmare. I was so so tired. Dd wasn't sleeping, she wanted to feed constantly, I wasn't recovered from the surgery.

If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have said "sorry, I can't manage this" and stayed home. But I believed that rubbish about being able to just carry on with a baby, you're not sick you just gave birth, newborns are portable, breastfeeding is easy, babies get into a routine quickly, they sleep all the time ... nope.

I wouldn't go. That's still very early days with a very new baby. Especially being that it's your first and you're wanting to bf. She is being unreasonable, not you. Not worth it

This could work, but would have been a no from me. My baby's where both 2 weeks late (yes both 14 days late) so would have been 3 weeks. I could have done it with second if I could have taken him, he was well settled but breastfeeding. My first I wasn't even over the birth at that point as had complications. So you can book it but your friend needs to understand things may not go to plan and not be annoyed if you have to miss it.

I'd just decline the invitation. If she's not happy about it, so what? I honestly think it's ridiculous to invite parents of a newborn to an all day event and not expect them to bring their baby!

I can’t believe you are even contemplating this and she’s got the cheek to even express displeasure.

I hope that you are reading all these stories OP. There is really no way to predict how you will be feeling and how your baby will be, let alone whether they'll be 5 or 7 weeks.

I went to a wedding 20 minutes away when my second child was 4 months and exclusively BF. It was hard. I got loads of compliments at how good they were being but those people were totally unaware that I was whisking us out of the room at the slightest whimper. They weren't aware that I had to keep going out to feed (the bride had arranged a room that wasn't a toilet to feed in which I appreciated). I didn't get much to eat and drink. I had to hold the baby far more than I would have done at home because they were out of routine. I didn't enjoy much of the wedding and that was with a supportive bride and groom and lots of people who were lovely to me and a husband who did everything he could to help me but baby wanted me.

A long drive, unfamiliar surroundings, being out of routine, not having you there, any of those things are likely to make the most settled baby get clingy for mum or demand more food or refuse a bottle and that is assuming you have enough sleep and have recovered from the birth itself.

I wouldn't be risking a dreadful experience for someone trying to guilt you into going.

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation

it’s an invitation, not a summons.

I wouldn’t be putting myself out for a friend that was so indifferent to my needs with a newborn!

I really could not even think about going to a wedding with my first baby but second would have been fine.

I would simply tell her you can only attend the ceremony and that is the very most I would commit to. Nothing else. If she doesn’t like it, decline the whole thing. Popping back and forth won’t work, you will be exhausted and stressed.

Your solution is good but personally I just wouldn't go. That's a lot of work especially with a 7 week old. I don't think I could enjoy the wedding doing all the back on forth on top of little sleep

Why does her annoyance at you declining matter more than you not wanting to leave your 7 week old for the day? If they'll be 7 weeks old. If baby is 2 weeks late they may only be 5 weeks - if you have a c section you won't even be able to drive at that point! If anyone wanted me to leave a very young breastfed baby for their wedding I'd be reconsidering how good a friend they were because they're either clueless or give far less shits about you than you do for them!

I wouldn't go...at that age my babies didn't sleep, or like to be put down and had screaming witching hours from 5pm-midnight. I was demented with sleep deprivation. Your baby might be different, but it sounds stressful and the brides attitude would piss me off so much I wouldn't go .

We couldn't go to a wedding 2 hours away when our eldest was 8 weeks old so declined. Your air b and b plan is really going above and beyond. You're a great friend unlike your friend who had the cheek to say she'd be annoyed if you declined- she should be more understanding! I certainly wouldn't be going to such trouble for her but that's just me.

"She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect)."

She needs to wind her neck in. Bridezilla may be the centre of her own world, but she shouldn't be the centre of yours. When DS was 7 weeks old I barely looked beyond my front door, I certainly didn't jump through hoops for a 'good friend'. You do know that good friends don't behave like this, don't you?

Decline the invitation, you'll be busy with your own life. If she's annoyed, tough. Serves her right for being a dictatorial arse.

Who is more important to you. Your baby or your friend.
(And of course your own health)
Lots can happen after birth. You could still be bleeding,
if you have a C-section you will only just back to driving.

Your friend is being ridiculous. Wait untill she has a baby.

Is the wedding in a place open for the public eg a hotel and they've hired a part of?

My dh and I met after me & my ex had been invited to my cousins wedding. When me and ex split obviously the place was given to someone else.

In that time I met dh and quickly got pregnant and baby was born 3 weeks before wedding. She told me just before baby was born that my baby and now dh were not invited as me exp's place was gone and it was family children only 😮 as if my eldest was family but my new baby wasn't it was madness and I was fuming as was bf but my eldest was page boy so I politely told her that my baby is her family also and doesn't need a place or to eat a 3 course meal but I understand him not being invited and reminded her she wasnt getting married in an exclusive venue she knew we had booked 2 nights there at over £600 before she said they weren't invited and thought we'd still keep the rooms as dh and baby could stay there.

Decided against it because I wanted to be there as little time as possible. It was big country house / hotel / wedding venue with different wedding suites that held the ceremony and reception aswell as public restaraunt & bar & Spa and like common areas with seating ect so he found a common place spent it reading ans rocking baby, walking baby round the grounds, had a nice meal in the restaraunt and between ceremony and dinner and night reception he was allowed in to mingle and then was allowed a place in night reception but we didn't even let the baby in it was too loud and went home at 8ish

Long story sorry but I could go and bf whenever I wanted and my husband had a nice day tbh missed all the formalities and ceremony and just chilled if it's is a similar place could your parents do that for a few hours?

To be perfectly honest I wouldn't go.
Your friend sounds very unreasonable saying she will be annoyed if you don't go and if you leave during the event. 7 weeks is tiny and if the baby is late they might only be 5 weeks . You might still be trying to establish feeding.
Most people make exceptions for newborns at child free weddings if your friend doesn't want to do that she should accept that some people won't attend.

I think it's perfectly acceptable for people to not want newborn babies at their weddings.

I also think it's completely acceptable for you to decline the invitation as well though.

It's too far, you'll be a new mum to a tiny baby. Not practical, I just wouldn't go and I wouldn't be arsed with any judgement for it either. I think most people would understand that your circumstances don't allow for you to attend.

@Thedance that's another good point - the baby potentially being less than 7 weeks old.

Op when my eldest was born I had a birth injury which meant I couldn't do long car journeys for 6 weeks as it was unsafe. Something to consider.

I wouldn’t go. I actually had to miss a family funeral because I was too tired to a long drive with my 7 week old and I was still in pain from my c section if I overdid it.

I think this bride’s attitude is pretty poor. If she really doesn’t understand your situation with a newborn, she won’t be interested in you as a friend when you have a baby.

This all sounds horribly stressful for you, the baby and the GPs. I would decline the invite and feel pissed off at my friend for being such a twat about it.

We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)
Just to add we are very close to our DD and saw our GD regularly. She still cried every time her mother left the room from being a few weeks old. She is a confident five year old now but there is no way anyone would have been able to look after her ar 7 weeks without it being extremely stressful.

At 7 weeks my baby constantly fed ALL evening. It wasn't just dipping in for a quick feed and then could go to someone else. I think you should chat to your friend again.