Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

I know the OP has updated to say she isn’t going, but just wanted to say it can work. To be fair to the bride, before you have kids it’s easy to not comprehend at all how difficult everything is. It depends on how good a friend she is and how much you want to be there. I was Best Man to my friend when my firstborn was 6 weeks old. 3 hour drive away in central London hotel. My parents came along and stayed in the hotel in a room next to ours, so they spent the day in a lovely hotel room with the baby and it all went fine. Breastfeeding was really hard to start with and a real struggle. By 6 weeks though I was doing a mix of breastfeeding and expressing and the baby taking that in a bottle. I was fortunate that she would switch between both happily (some babies do not) so for the duration of the wedding my parents had expressed milk to give her lined up ready in the hotel room fridge. I didn’t feed her directly during the day, she was a really slow feeder from the breast and I would have been away from the wedding for a couple of hours at at time if I’d tried to breastfeed her. I did have to go and express in my room every few hours as you get very engorged quite quickly and it’s mightily uncomfortable so had to plan that in, plus taking all my sterilizing stuff etc etc and storing the newly expressed milk. It was a bit of a faff, a bit of a milk production/sterilizing bottles production line at times and took some planning, and willing parents! but we did make it work. Being in the actual venue made it a lot easier though, a 10 minute drive is not as convenient as popping up to a hotel room and takes a big chunk out of the day for each visit to check/feed.

My friend put no pressure on me to be his best man, and would have understood if I’d declined in the circumstances, unlike the bride in this instance. I agreed with the naivety of someone who really didn’t understand the reality of having a baby though and was confident 6 weeks in I’d be fine!

We took the same baby to my husbands sisters wedding at 3 weeks, 2 hour drive away, I’d had 45 minutes sleep the night before (and most nights leading up) as the baby was completely nocturnal for the first month. baby exclusively breastfeeding at that point, both of us really rubbish at it, nightmare long feeds, both us totally shellshocked at the whole change in our lives over the previous 3 weeks. I can not believe I went, I was a husk of a woman still recovering from a traumatic birth and trying to establish breastfeeding. Three weeks to the next wedding made a big difference, but there are just no guarantees or knowing how you personally will be 6 weeks after birth. At the very least you need an accommodating, understanding friend willing to accept you might need some flexibility around the wedding, and it doesn’t sound like the bride is. (You also need amazing parents, which fortunately it sounds like the OP does have!)

Could you arrange to all stay in the wedding venue, or give a provisional yes, but tell her if things aren’t going to plan you may have to pull out and see how you and baby are a couple of weeks before the big day? I know when planning a wedding that’s not fabulous, but realistically people pull out on the day with sickness and give even less notice. We had about 6 people who couldn't get to our wedding on the day due to being snowed in, including a heavily pregnant friend who tried but her car started skidding when they tried to leave the house! We were all gutted they didn’t make it, but you have to be reasonably realistic.

My final thing about the wedding at 6 weeks - I had some dark and exhausting moments with my firstborn and was overwhelmed by everything for a long time. But at that wedding, over the initial shock and getting the hang of it a bit, I had a great time. It was nice to wear some proper clothes and catch up with friends and eat a really nice (hot!) meal whilst my parents held the fort/baby and I took a much needed mental/physical break for the day. It took effort and planning and I was lucky to be well enough, and I’m glad I was there for my friend on the day.

I absolutely did not make it to the stag do at 2 weeks post-partum though!

😂 it just keeps going on and on and on....

I do hope the OP comes back to update us when she's told her friend they won't be going.

This sort of thing drives me nuts. A new mother expected to leave her 7 week old baby behind! It’s obviously up to anyone getting married to say no children but to then not be happy if parents can’t come is pathetic. I take it your friend doesn’t have children?
I would decline, your plan sounds like you are jumping through hoops for someone who shows no compassion for your situation at all.

I don’t think what you’re proposing is realistic for you or your baby. If you’re breast feeding then you will likely only just be getting feeding established at that age (6 ish weeks). I certainly couldn’t have left my baby for more than an hour at that age as she’d have been crying for milk. You might well still be quite sore, if you’ve had a c section you might not be able to drive by then. I also wouldn’t have wanted to be separated from my baby for hours at a time, it wouldn’t have been good for myself or my baby at that age. It’s a lot to ask of your parents, to look after a baby who they may be unable to settle- even if they’ve seen your baby a lot, your baby won’t know them like she knows you at that stage. I didn’t mix feed but I think the advice is to get bf established first so that they don’t get nipple confusion or lazy (nipple is harder work for baby than a bottle apparently). I think you’ll be exhausted and all the to-ing and fro-ing to the air b&b will be tiring. It might be different if the wedding was at a hotel and you could just nip upstairs as needed to feed whilst your parents babysat, but that doesn’t sound like an option for you.

It always amazes me the amount of brides who don’t allow babes in arms. I think it’s ridiculous, it doesn’t cost them any more and as long as they are clear if they want babies taken out of the ceremony if they cry etc then I really don’t see the issue. Yes it’s the brides day but that doesn’t mean they should be selfish and as demanding as your friend is being.

I wouldn't go, i definitely wouldn't want to seperated that early

I think you're a lovely person to want to attempt this but those first few months are tiring, not to mention the amount of calories breast feeding burns, you can't be running around trying to please another adult while your sole focus wil be on your baby. It sounds to me like she doesn't want your baby there as the focus will not be solely on her with a newborn around.
Also I don't think yoaid enjoy yourself being away from your baby so soon, the bond your creating by being pregnant is huge and nothing compares to it, honestly just wish her well, send a gift if you feel inclined but stay home in your family bubble for a while.

You are not being unreasonable. I find it tends to be people without children that don't understand how hard it is to leave your first born so early on.

I thought I'd be able to leave my first born after 6 weeks to go to an evening event but I couldn't lol, perhaps some people could but I found it difficult.

Then I also took my baby to a wedding at about 3 months old to which children weren't invited because the bride said she wasn't exactly another person to feed etc and she knew I'd find it difficult to leave her but she would rather me be there at the same time.

I don't think your friend can be mad at you disappearing through the day if that's the only option you have to please everyone.

People can be complete 🤬s when it comes to their weddings and people who've not had children themselves can't be expected to understand. I'd either take the baby or just not go at all. A newborn isn't a child; they're an extension of their mother and need to be with her. If you're going in and out you'll have a rubbish time anyway.

You may get an uninterrupted ten minutes with your friend all day. Your tiny human, that you grew, needs you more. And if your 'friend' can't appreciate and understand that, then it's a her problem.

It's extremely unfair for your friend to have a child free wedding and then say she would be annoyed if you didn't come. That's the chance you run if you choose that option. It sounds crazy to me as you haven't even had your baby yet and don't know what they are like. They could be really good feed then sleep. They could have colic. You also don't know how you will be post partum is crazy at times and you may not want to leave baby. I personally wouldnt go.

AT this point, I'd send 'friend' a link to this thread along with your RSVP saying 'not attending'

You are being extremely over accommodating to a bride who is being hugely unreasonable! When we got married we had a kid free wedding, but did so understanding that might mean some wouldn't be able to or want to come. We also went out of our way to let the few guests we knew that would have young babies (breastfeeding or not) know that their babies were welcomed with them.

Your plan is reasonable from an accommodating the brides ridiculous idea of you not bringing baby and not missing the wedding, however may not be reasonable for yourself or baby. You will be freshly post partum so a wedding itself is a huge endeavor, never-mind the travel and all the back and forth with a newborn. Baby will still mostly want mama, and you don't know yet if baby will easily even take a bottle. Honestly, in your shoes I would have declined fhe wedding (even if baby was invited... wedding with a 7 week old is a no thank u for me) and if thr friend didn't understand then not someone I want in my life.

I think it's the safest decision not to go. I had a vaginal delivery and some stitches, so physically my recovery was ok, but wouldn't have managed being away from my baby at 7 weeks due to breastfeeding and the emotional rollercoaster. If I'd been allowed to take the baby that would have worked fine; but the anxiety of travelling back and forth to bf; the uncertainty of when baby would want the next feed, my leaky breasts and tiredness would have made being apart very difficult. I remember bf taking ages until about 3 months too - when baby suddenly became a more efficient feeder. Early days took us about 45 mins.

I appreciate that every baby is different, but the reality is that you can't predict what it's going to be like until baby is with you.

Congratulations OP, wishing you a wonderful journey x

I went to a wedding 3 weeks after my little girl was born. She spent the day and night with my parents and I think it was the best option for all of us. I had a good day after a long pregnancy and got to feel like myself again after 3 weeks of just being Mummy.

you’ll be amazed how well the baby will travel with their long stretches of sleep but I wouldn’t advise keep going back and fourth during the day. If your out, be out. As it can be unsettling for the baby - maybe just pop back between the ceremony and meal of you absolutely have to too feed.

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

bridezilla much? Totally on board with her wanting a child free wedding if that’s what they want, but she has to appreciate people have free will and a choice of whether they want to attend or not under those conditions.

FWIW I think you might find your proposed plan a bit of a hassle. Xx

THE OP SAID, ON PAGE 9, THAT SHE ISN’T GOING TO THE WEDDING!!!!

Bride sounds like a cow. "Don't bring baby, I will be ratty if you don't come, probably be ratty if yoy disappear during the day" sure, let me just get an abortion, and I will just have another baby some other time when it doesn't coincide with something that's important to you 🙄

😂😂😂

Yes, but has she cancelled the cheque🤣

You disappearing occasionally is as good as it gets. As for those who say newborns should be allowed, define newborn. 7 weeks is a baby, not a newborn to me. But where's the cut off point? Still breastfeeding?? Could be 1 or 2 for some. So why's her 1yo allowed and mine not? Best to say no to all kids and realise that eliminates some parents too or set up a crèche.