Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation

I'd be declining based on this alone ^

I wouldn't go. She's saying you can't decline, you can't bring the bbay and you can't leave to tend to baby. Massive bridezilla.

We've been invited to a wedding when our baby is around the same age and they've said no to the baby coming so I can't go... which im absolutely fine with. Husband will go... it's also a 3 day wedding 🙄🙄
Last time the last thing I'd want to do is go to a wedding far away with a little baby so I'm happy to not be going but still. It's a lot to ask

She is being totally unreasonable. In my experience with newborns your plan, while massively accommodating, is unlikely to unfold as easily as you think. Look up the fourth trimester - seven week old babies are designed to remain close to their mothers, especially when breastfeeding. Most people in my experience would allow a newborn/ exclusively breastfeeding baby to attend a wedding and they would be excluded from the no kids rule. People who do include babies in this rule tend to be fine about it if you can't attend. I wouldn't go in this situation.

A quick google brings this up about how long a newborn can be in a car seat. It advises 2 hours max and that is with frequent breaks to lift them out. It is really bad for their spines to in for too long.

2 hours
There is no published evidence which sets out how long babies should be kept in a car seat when travelling. However, infant healthcare professionals, safety experts and most car manufacturers recommend that babies should not be in a car seat for longer than 2 hours at a timeand they should be taken out frequently.

She's being unreasonable as she may realise one day.

I just would advise you don't go. You have no idea what state you or the baby will be so close to birth. Quite honestly getting dressed and wandering into town can be a major achievement. It will be so much more relaxing not to go.

Just don't go, you won't enjoy it, worrying about leaking, eyes on the clock, potential pissy bride (Sod her by the way) baby will pick up on your worry, you can't rush breastfeeding.

You deserve a better friend.

All those who think young babies should automatically be included have clearly never been to a wedding where the baby has cried all the way through the service and all the way through the speeches 🙄.

The obvious solution is not to go. The bride is daft as a brush if she gets stroppy (and I assume hasn’t had a baby of her own yet!).

The sort of person who bans a newborn from their wedding is a bit of a biatch tbh!

As a mum of 2, I wouldn't put myself, husband, parents or baby through what you're considering when the obvious answer is to let the baby attend.

ETA we didn't attend a wedding similar distance away when DS was 3 months old. I already had an older child by that point and didn't think it was worth the hassle.

Just noticed the 3 hours travelling (add another 1- 2 to that for stops, feeding etc). It's not really worth the bother unless you're going for about 3 days.

Your plan sounds fine

But I think your friend is being very unreasonable. Her wedding, her choice but you can't make things difficult for people then complain if they can't attend or have to keep popping out

Most considerate people would make a swift exit if baby started to cry. Always have in weddings I’ve been to luckily.

You friend sounds pretty awful tbh
She is demanding you attend but not only wont let your newborn be anywhere near the wedding you feel like she might get annoying you nip off to feed it and are away too long?

I would not be going to the trouble and expense of accommodating her tbh

Stay at home and enjoy your baby. If you go overdue they could still only be just over a month old

Don't go.

It'll be hellish to try and do this.

This genuinely doesn’t bother me at all.

I absolutely detest weddings so if I can get out of one I do, and a newborn is the perfect get out. But if I am at one, a crying baby doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Weddings, funerals, birthdays etc are all occasions for inclusivity of family and friends of all ages. It should always be everyone welcome, twatty uncles, pissed aunts, incontinent old people and kids of all ages etc. It’s not meant to be like Hello magazine.

Accept, but with the caveat that you may have to cancel last minute depending on how everything goes. I went to a wedding when DD1 was about that age, and left her with my DM, she was FF, so really easy. It was actually really nice to have an evening away. DM also really enjoyed it.

Many countries get you back to work at 8 weeks post partum, not necessarily the ideal obviously, but babies do survive being looked after by people other than parents.

I would be saying no out of badness, no one gets to ‘demand’ anything of me quite frankly! Separating me from my babies at 7 weeks would have been impossible, and they were bottle fed with a very involved dh who could do everything.
So many variables that at this point you can have no idea about - due date means nothing really, all the possible birth outcomes, your health, babies health, sleep, feeding… I would not commit to anything at all, especially if it costs money!
Also a 3 hour drive for 2 adults can easily become 5 or 6 when you allow for stops, feeds, consoling a crying baby, dealing with the inevitable vomit, cleaning yourself and the car seat up, driver being distracted.
Think of all the possible options, and then consider how unlikely it will be that it all going to plan is what happens. It is far more likely to be problematic and all for someone who thinks they can dictate to you and your baby? Hard nope.

I'm assuming she's child free, I was invited a wedding when my daughter was 6 weeks and no babies or children allowed. I declined. That was my second and I knew just how hard it was from the first time round!

All those who think young babies should automatically be included have clearly never been to a wedding where the baby has cried all the way through the service and all the way through the speeches 🙄

Most normal people would sit near the back of the venue and take and settle baby outside should they start to cry. Common sense surely?

With a 5-7 week old baby I would decline. I was in a wedding when DD was a bit older and I was tired, covered in leaking milk and spit-up, terrified her nappy would leak on me. If I'd had to drive 10 minutes to her several times in the day it would have been even worse. My oldest was a very fussy baby and wouldn't even be left with DH for months as only boobs would calm her! My youngest was much more chilled but I'd only leave her with DH in the early months. They are very independent now!

The bride is being ridiculous and ignoring the obvious rule of excluding children from weddings - feel free to ban them, but accept parents if young children might not come. The same applies to destination weddings

Yabu to consider doing anything other than tell your friend to get to fuck quute frankly

Could you go and book a babysitter with you to look after baby elsewhere in the venue? Baby probably be sleeping in buggy etc

Fuck that shit. I have nothing against child free weddings but I would have something against the bride if she was annoyed that people couldn't go. Your plan sounds like a complete faff.

Me personally, I wouldn't have taken my 7 week old baby in a car for that long - it's not safe.
I wouldn't have been keen on staying overnight in a hotel or holiday let or whatever with them at that point, everything's harder when you're away from home without all your stuff.
I was still bleeding, so wouldn't have been comfortable or confident wearing nice clothes.
I had a vaginal birth with forceps and could drive, but all that buzzing back and forth would have been difficult. If I'd had a section I don't think I'd have been driving at all.
Bear in mind baby might only be 5 weeks if you go overdue.
You also might not want to leave them - I am absolutely not maternal, and so I genuinely was surprised at my reaction to being away from my baby in the first few months, I'd rather have fought a bear. And that was when she was with her Dad!

Honestly, if baby can't go to the wedding then neither would I.

Eta: I formula fed after 5 weeks of expressing I think, so there's also the complications of breastfeeding, but I've no experience of that.

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Why are you friends with this idiot, and who the fuck does she think she is?

I'd be declining immediately.