Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

445 replies

FirstTimeMumToBe0524 · 12/03/2024 15:37

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
PandaG · 12/03/2024 15:54

I really wouldn't go. Baby may only be 5 weeks old, and if feeding on demand very likely to have little discernable pattern, may need cluster feeding, feeds could well take an hour or more. Your friend is being totally unreasonable.

Ozanj · 12/03/2024 15:55

If you’re mixed feeding then it’s fine. I think the rules of ‘babes in arms’ only apply to exclusively breastfed babies.

Teaandsympathy · 12/03/2024 15:55

i voted yanbu - but I think the bride is. It could work, plan for this then bow out if you don’t feel it’s going to work nearer the time once the baby is here.

my eldest dd was 5 weeks old for one of my closest friends weddings. It’s now 12 years later and she has 3 of her own kids… and she apologised for not letting me take my dd 😂

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families Weddings
Macracarpa · 12/03/2024 15:55

I wouldn’t go. It’s a huge amount of hassle at a time when you will be extraordinarily sleep-deprived and possibly still recovering from the birth. The baby may be glued to the breast and you end up driving all the way there and barely getting to the wedding. It’s fairly unlikely you’ll enjoy yourself. Also many babies will not tolerate 3h in a car without a lot of breaks.

Jackiebrambles · 12/03/2024 15:55

Wow you are being way too accommodating imo! I can’t believe she won’t let you bring a teeny babe who won’t need a chair or any food, honestly. I think you’ll be exhausted to do all that in/out driving etc.

LizardOfOz · 12/03/2024 15:55

I put yabu because in your position I just wouldn't go.
To be honest, it's too much travel for the baby and I personally wouldn't have been away from my babies for any length of time (more than say 20min) at that age. I know others will say differently
But your friend can't have it every way and your #1 responsibility is to you and your baby

OldTinHat · 12/03/2024 15:56

No, I would decline the invitation.

BF babies, especially shiny new ones (!), don't understand the rules of set mealtimes or when is convenient to eat. They dangle off you at all hours whenever they have a fancy. Your idea, lovely as it is, is up there with unicorns and fairies!

LizardOfOz · 12/03/2024 15:56

Ozanj · 12/03/2024 15:55

If you’re mixed feeding then it’s fine. I think the rules of ‘babes in arms’ only apply to exclusively breastfed babies.

Edited

Tiny babies really shouldn't be away from their primary care giver (ie mom) at that age, regardless of how they're fed

Tired6789 · 12/03/2024 15:58

You'll be exhausted and recovering from the birth. It's a long drive with a newborn too. Your friend sounds like she has given no consideration to you. Newborns should either be included in a wedding or the bride and groom should understand that they can't expect parents of newborns to attend without them. Don't go to the wedding.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 12/03/2024 15:58

When I said no kids I genuinely thought I was doing my friends a favour giving them a night off. I wasn't a bridezilla, I thought I was being nice.

I genuinely don't mind child free weddings, I went to two last year, leaving my youngest for a night at 11 months. Not remotely a problem.
But I am baffled by the idea the bride and groom are doing me a favour. If I want to have a childfree time at a wedding, then I will come without them. I don't need to be not invited. If my two had been invited to the weddings last year, I probably wouldn't have taken them because they had more with grandparents and taking them would have been a pain. It's not a favour to me to not invite them - which is fine, it doesn't need to be a favour!! But a favour would be giving people a choice, which means they have to be invited. I totally get not inviting them and think it's fine, but it's not a favour.

flipent · 12/03/2024 16:00

She can't be annoyed if you don't go and not invite your new born!

Nothing wrong with have a completely child free Wedding, if that is what she wants - but you have to accept that some people will not come on that basis!

Okayornot · 12/03/2024 16:01

Blahblah34 · 12/03/2024 15:43

Just don't go. Anyone who bans babes in arms from a wedding needs to accept that parents of small babies won't be able to go.

This. I can well understand wanting a child free wedding but if you exclude newborns you have to accept their parents will likely say "no" too. New babies need their mums, as your friend may well find out one day. Your plan, while incredibly generous, is likely to be terribly hard work and your baby may only be 5 weeks old at that point if you go overdue.

rwalker · 12/03/2024 16:01

I wouldn’t make the effort due to the fact she’d be annoyed if you decline because of the baby shitty attitude

you invite people if it works for them it does if it doesn’t then fair enough

user1984778379202 · 12/03/2024 16:01

I wouldn't go. You're jumping through hoops for someone who doesn't give care actually about you as a friend. If she did, she wouldn't be guilt tripping you over attending. Does she know you're planning to dip in and out? I would be upfront that that's your plan and I bet you anything she kicks off.

nuschmoo · 12/03/2024 16:02

I think you're being far too accommodating and don't quite realise how tough this is going to be. You'll be stressed and knackered.
Your friend has to accept that either you bring your (still very tiny) baby along or you decline. She can't have it both ways.
I think you need to have a very honest chat with her about the reality of having an almost new born. If she choses to see this as a slight against her rather than, you know, biological reality, then shes a tosser who's not worth your time.

Hickorydickorydock123 · 12/03/2024 16:03

Personally if you’re breastfeeding I don’t see how you could leave baby at such a young age as they’ll be feeding on demand definitely not to a schedule so will need you there. I would have found this way too stressful and I imagine your parents might too tbh. They may be cluster feeding /particularly fussy in the evening. Neither of mine took a bottle so I don’t know if this is doable if bottle feeding.

But I also wouldn’t go as the bride does not sound like a good or understanding friend at all. Babes in arms should absolutely be an exception to no children allowed. I wouldn’t put all the effort and money towards someone who had that attitude towards me.

DoggieMommie · 12/03/2024 16:03

Your plan could work, but a lot depends on the baby and the day.

You must make sure that your friend knows the lengths you are going to to be there, and not to be offended if you duck in and out. Personally I think it might be more realistic to see if you could slip into the ceremony but skip the rest of the celebration.

Even a three hour drive and a night away from home is a big challenge for new parents with such a tiny baby. I wouldn't have dared to leave mine with anyone at that age, and she wouldn't have accepted it either. She might have been ok for a hour at a time in the day, but she wanted booby comfort all evening and would scream the house down until she got it.

Rainbowshine · 12/03/2024 16:04

7 weeks in, you will be knackered and still really recovering from birth and getting used to being a mum. You might not be able to drive, or at least only short distances. If you think your friend is going to react badly to a declined invitation, you could either decide to not care about that, or if you want to avoid the confrontation you could “blame” someone in authority “I was talking to the midwife and she advised me against travelling that far so soon” “The advice I got was that it wouldn’t be a good idea as baby will only be 7 weeks or possibly even younger if they are late” etc

At 7 weeks I think I still had days I didn’t get out of my pyjamas (I had a forceps delivery and it took me a while to recover, also exclusively breastfeeding). I was ok driving 5 minutes to the Co-op but would not have felt able to tackle what you’re describing in any way shape or form!

UnePersonne · 12/03/2024 16:05

Hopefully she will cringe at herself in years to come op - excluding babes in arms is very daft and trying to make a new mum feel bad about it is seriously not on.

In the meantime, I'd either decline, or attempt a conversation about it with her in the hope she sees sense. I don't think I'd run myself ragged for a day and especially if she won't even appreciate it.

Revealingall · 12/03/2024 16:05

Bridezilla alert. SHE is being unreasonable. Fair enough if she wants a completely child free day but she has no right to make you feel bad for pulling out.

Your plan sounds like the only way to attend without baby.

I'm not sure how realistic it is though and I suspect when the time comes you'll feel differently too.

For a start, unless you are having an elective c-section, you don't know how many weeks your baby will be. You might go 3 weeks overdue, baby might be premature and have extra needs or you could be bang on and baby could be 7 weeks, it's still insanely young to consider being away from for most of the day.

Breastfeeding - again you don't know how this could go. You plan to combi feed but baby might not take to bottles. You might have had trouble with baby latching and just started to get better. You might have mastitis and going a whole day without being able to breastfeed baby could alone easily leave you with mastitis at that stage. You might have to figure in expressing on the day depending on how things are going and your supply. Baby might not settle with grandparents and a bottle and may still be at the breast feeding on demand phase, for comfort and nutrition. They don't call it the fourth trimester for nothing, and this is a tiny baby expected to do without it's life source all day.

3 hours is a fairly long way to travel too in the early weeks, especially when sleep deprived. Then you have to settle a newborn in a whole new environment when they most likely have never spent a night away from home.

You've got your own health to think of as well, in terms of birth recovery, physical healing, hormones, mood. For many women, they don't much feel like being away from baby so young. Your mind may well be on baby all day and you'll find it hard to relax for an entire day.

It's a heck of a lot of stress for both you and baby and there are a lot of unknowns.

She's no friend if she can't see how unreasonable she is to expect you to attend without a newborn so soon after birth.

I'd give a heartfelt apology and a no without a second thought. You and baby come first, she'll have a lovely day whether you are there or not.

JC89 · 12/03/2024 16:05

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option.

This is completely unreasonable - if she really doesn't want kids there she should accept that some parents won't come. Especially such a young baby! Your plan might work (and you're being very accommodating by even planning to try it), but be prepared to change your mind in the run up or even on the day if you or the baby isn't doing so well.

AlltheFs · 12/03/2024 16:06

You really, really aren’t going to want to do this. Honestly, what a load of unnecessary faff. It’s just a wedding, really unimportant and not worth this level of stress.

You could still be nursing stitches, or losing blood, or not comfy sitting. Your baby may be an awful traveller (and that’s a long way for a newborn, will take forever). Odds are also you really won’t want to leave them and you will spend the whole time quite stressed and miserable.

And all to appease some absolute twunt. Fuck that.

Deadringer · 12/03/2024 16:07

I wouldn't go, and if she is any kind of a friend she will understand.

Lifeinlists · 12/03/2024 16:10

Totally unreasonable of the bride. Newborns and mothers are a package, I'm afraid.

We had a 6 week old at our wedding even though it was generally child free apart from bridesmaids. I wouldn't have dreamed of banning her and I didn't even have any children at that point.She was no trouble.

Tiny babies aren't a problem at a wedding as long as you take him/ her out if they start squawking. Older babies and toddlers are much more likely to make their presence felt.

I'd tell the bride you'll only be able to go if you can bring your newborn, explaining why.

Jackiebrambles · 12/03/2024 16:11

Good points about how you physically are too, I ended up with an emergency c section with my first baby and I’m pretty such I was still bleeding at 7 weeks. You’ll be likely getting very little sleep as well.

however if you decide to do your plan - I very much doubt the bride will notice you dipping in and out, she’ll be so busy. Most people hardly get to talk to everyone at their weddings!