Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

Back on page 9 the OP said she wasn’t going to go.

I don’t think your friend is being totally unreasonable but it’s not realistic. Unfortunately, you will be sore, exhausted - babies don’t always take to a bottle, your body won’t have adjusted to the ‘non-exclusive’ breastfeeding routine if the baby is fine with mixed feeds so your breasts will be full.
I don’t think you’d fully enjoy yourself if you went with or without baby to be honest. I think you’d be best to decline the invitation. You’ll dread it and it will consume your thoughts during the early newborn stage too.

Your friend, if a good friend may be upset but should forgive you easily.

the idea is good but to be honest as others have said you have no idea what the baby will be like, my second wouldn’t of been away from me at all during the first year of her life - she just screamed with anyone else, babies don’t care about the plans, I would decline now so the bride doesn’t get even more upset if closer to the time you cannot make it, - btw she sounds utterly ridiculous, none of my friends would expect this of me 7 weeks post birth with a newborn, I’m guessing she’s yet to have a baby 🙄

i would gently suggest you will really struggle to accommodate your friend’s demands: 7 weeks is very early on for a newborn and first baby, in all honesty I would be challenging your friend: if she really wants you there your baby comes too.

Yeah I was just thinking this - my maid of honour had a c-section 4 weeks before my wedding, which was 1.5 hours away from where she lived. Her wound was infected and she was wearing some sort of vibrating bandage over it at the time! She still made it to the wedding with the baby, frequently went back to the car to pump (she was expressing but not able to breast feed), and left before the evening reception started. I didn’t think much of it at the time, was just happy she’d been able to attend. Fast forward 2 years to when I had my own baby via c section, went as a regular guest to a wedding an hour away when she was 3 months old, and it was a horrific experience. I then realised how big a deal it was for my MoH to have made it to mine in the situation she was in. Then 4 years later went to another wedding with another 3 month old baby after a c-section, 4 hours away, and it was much easier. I think it really depends on the baby, but there’s no way of knowing how you are going to feel and how the baby is going to act beforehand - have to play it by ear. I know at 7 weeks old I couldn’t have left either of mine with someone else though, no matter who they were and how well they knew them. I wouldn’t have been comfortable and the babies wouldn’t have been happy about it either. At 7 weeks old I couldn’t have even left them at home for 30 mins with their dad without them both screaming the house down

I wouldn’t go at all, too much with a tiny baby and fwiw I wouldn’t take a baby to something like this so would make it easier that there was no children. Who on earth wants a tiny baby around loads of strangers, loud music, alcohol?

I have to deal with this situation as well this year but the bride is my sister :s

So to sum things up, she wants you to come and leave your newborn starving and assumes you have a babysitter you don’t mind leaving a newborn with for an entire day. And isn’t even happy if you pop out so newborn doesn’t starve?

I’d be giving the whole thing a miss!

OP has posted twice on this thread. The second, on page 9, confirms they aren’t going. And yet there are 8 pages more telling her not to go.

i don’t understand this concept of no children to weddings. If it is your big day you would want your family and friends there and enjoying and them not to be worrying about childcare and extra payments towards booking places etc. for a newborn it’s totally unreasonable to say don’t bring your baby. What about people who don’t have anyone to leave them with? Or those breastfed. At that age babies sleep through most of the day. I get people wanting to have some time to themselves but actively saying don’t bring your newborn is stupid. As a “friend” she should say bring your baby I would love to have them part of my big day too. I wouldn’t even go tbh im not paying extra for bnb and dragging my parents and putting out them just for a few hours for a friend who will probably be busy doing her own thing. Thats just my opinion though.

Personally, I wouldn't go. I went to a wedding when my baby was 7 weeks old - the bride and groom were hugely accommodating, had set up a space for me and others to breastfeed away from the loud music, etc. Baby was in a sling on me and was happy for the most part, but had awful colic and wouldn't be soothed by anyone else (so my parents being somewhere nearby wouldn't have helped as she would have been so distressed). In fact, she was so comfortable on me in the wraparound sling that we were able to stay the whole time, she wore ear defenders, and I've even got pictures of her (on me) on the dance floor snoozing away whilst I enjoyed myself! Your friend is being totally unreasonable - newborns don't add any expense or hassle to the bride, groom or other guests.

Wow it sounds like a right faff on for you! As a bride to be in November, all of my friends children will be invited to my night do (I'm only having a registry office wedding so only 16 guests coming during the day which are all family, including children!) But any friends with kids are welcome to bring their partner and kids along to my night do, I know how hard it is to find childcare and kids make weddings fun, they're always the first up dancing! I think you need to give your friend an ultimatum, you take your baby with you or you can't go at all.

It sounds like a viable plan.
I did this with my first born and it was fine to come back and feed baby a few times, knowing she was in good care.
Decide whether you will drink. Decide whether baby willhave had any vaccinations by then.

I would not be mix feeding so early though. I would be trying to establish solid breast feeding with the view of swapping to mixed when the baby is older and can understand and learn to be adaptable.

In theory it sounds hard work for you, but doable. There are lots of things that might change those plans including a long or difficult birth to recover from, a c section, PND,a baby that long feeds, a poonami on you wedding clothes, sheer exhaustion, leaky boobs , a newborn is not a quiet portable delight always !! What if the baby is colicky refluxy or unwell ? You'll have made all these plans at your cost, to sit in the air bnb with your baby and miss the wedding anyway ! I'm full of admiration for mums who snap straight back into their pre maternity figure, find breastfeeding a doddle and have a chilled baby that sleeps. Women that have slept, brushed their hair ! Many women find the first few weeks of parenthood really very challenging and sleep deprived and doing anything other than being at home with new baby just impossible. Leaky boobs , separation anxiety no time to cook eat or take a shower
..I totally was that new mum. I'd never have made such adventurous plans !! I'd explain to your 'friend's that you'd love to go, but as you'll be a new mum you've no idea if you'll be able to make it and suggest you see her after the honeymoon when she can bring the wedding photos and cuddle your new baby.

I'm not trying to rain on your parade.. I just thing the two events arent compatible and its foolish to put yourself under pressure to attend. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the baby x

Hello,
Being perfectly honest your too good of a friend for this person and they are being extremely unreasonable to express they won't be happy if you will decline with a 7 week old and considering the extra mile you are considering to ensure your babies needs are met aswell as pleasing her if she was seriously annoyed for you for leaving to breastfeed then this is no "friend" you need in your life. I fully assume that this "friend" does not have their own children so has zero understanding of how complicated that will be for you. Personally I think your going way above and beyond to get parents up in an air b n b nearby. A few things also to consider a) babies can't travel at that age for more than 30 minutes in a car seat so it's going to take you an extremely long time to travel by car. It's 2 hours once out of newborn stage but not before 12 weeks b) babies get sick, it had happened to me with a good friends wedding where my parents were due to take them and neither I was happy to leave the baby nor my parents take them. They told me not to worry and they totallt understood, it was late and place was paid so i offered to cover our seats c) 7 weeks.... Damn girl your guna be EXTREMLY tired. I am honestly so sad that this friend is treating you this way while your thinking of all ways to still attend and please her while tending to your babies needs. Hope you make the right decision but mine would be to decline and any friend that is worth it would understand. Good luck with your new baby in May! Xx

If they was a proper friend they would accept you and your baby. When you have kid's you can't just change thing's because your friend expects you too. Your friend sound's very selfish.

The bride is being unreasonable not allowing a new mother to bring her newborn with her. I am in a similar situation although will be ebf. My niece is getting married and is having no kids but has made an allowance for my newborn who will be a similar age to yours. My first fed A LOT in the early days and I couldn't be away for him even for half an hour. I take it she has no kids, maybe if she does have a baby later on she will realise how unreasonable she has been!

OP said she isn't going about 15 pages ago.

How do people click on a 17 page thread and not check for the OP’s posts?

Need to comment again as this has annoyed me so much!

Your newborn should be your priority, not some selfish bride. Put you and your baby first and if she's got an issue with it then it's her fault for preventing you from attending with your baby.

I think it's one of those whereby if you just decline it you'll feel a weight off your mind and can enjoy those first couple of months without the added anxiety of crazy logistics to pander to a bridezilla!!

Firstly, congratulations. YANBU. You would be bending over backwards when all your focus will, rightly, be on your new family. When I got married, 3 of my friends had babies under 3 months. No way would I expect them to put their baby second. Not in a million years. I had a nanny come to the venue so that they could leave baby to sleep in a chilled room where they could also feed. That was still a choice, if they wanted baby with them all day then they could. Or if they chose not to come, any decent person would understand.

I really deeply dislike the way society has become so self centered. About weddings for pete sake, which is supposed to be about family.
Not only does she practically insist that a 6 to 7 week old be separted from their breastfeeding mother for 6, 7 hours, but if you dare go back to feed or comfort the child she 'won't be best pleased'..

wth.

Bet my bottom dollar there will be a thread in 4 years time (like there was the other day) of her when she has her own kids, now understanding the difficulty of childfree weddings.
Why can people not be a bit more mature?
Sorry OP i have no advice.
I wish i could say just don't go, but sometimes you would really like to go.

To be clear it's not that I don't think a wedding is doable with a newborn. They definately are. In fact, I prefer them to weddings with a toddler. There either in a wrap, or in their pram. If they cry, you go ot of the church or pop them on the breast. I'm genuinely appalled at the fact that she (and as an extension a lot of society) thinks she is being reasonable by banning a newborn. OP, please don't do formula if you don't want to just because of her.

Don't bother going. If she's going be annoyed at you for not going let her get on with it. I guarantee you won't enjoy the day running backwards and forwards and to be honest with you at 7 weeks if you want to breastfeed even if just partly you'll need to be pretty exclusive at this stage or be doing quite a bit of pumping to keep your supply up. You will be quite unlikely to want to leave your baby at all. You might feel great or you might still feel like shit depending on your birth. After my first I was still healing and struggling with mastitis and some infected stitches. Who knows, you might even have a c-cection.

Personally I would regretfully decline and any of my friends would understand.

I have three, youngest is 7 months and even if the baby comes on due date which is rare, it's a lot to ask of you post partum. You may be recovering from stitches, be exhausted, might be still bleeding. Not to be graphic but you need understanding and support.

Could you do it. Yes. Should you? No.
Bringing the baby would be one thing, but ferrying back and forth.. That will be hard.

Perhaps you could just attend for the service? If it's super important to you.

Sorry that's probably not much help but please don't feel bad about prioritising your health x