Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

I wouldn't have done that with a newborn. One of the things you learn as a parent I've found is that you have to get over other people's feelings when they are unreasonable. Put yourself and you child fist. Banning babes in arms from a wedding and then expecting a new parent to tie themselves in knots is not reasonable. What you have proposed sounds exhausting, expensive and unenjoyable.

I would decline the invite, sounds way too much faff. If she is annoyed tough, she deicided on a child free wedding.

These things are very dependant on the baby’s temperament and your own anxiety and attachment when baby arrives. None of this is knowable in advance. The first time I let anyone have my baby when I was out of sight she was two months old and it was two hours on a dog walk with my parents so I could sleep. I still haven’t left her overnight and she is 2. My cousin left her 4 week old with her parents for a long weekend to attend a close friend’s hen do. I’d tell your friend that you’ve planned to come but will have to see how it goes. I can’t personally imagine enjoying leaving my newborn and going back and forth from a hotel during a wedding but I’m not you!

Honestly that sounds a lot (too much) effort. You could be recovering from a 3 section, your baby might not take a bottle, they could have colic etc. whilst it’s not impossible it sounds very stressful and exhausting for you. If it were me I’d politely decline

Your friend is no friend. I definitely wouldn't go

You seriously won’t have the energy for this palaver at seven weeks in and more to the point the bride should not be asking this of you. Seven weeks! Ridiculous. You and the baby will be exhausted and all this expense is in no one’s interest. You should tell her the baby’s coming or you can’t go. You are a parent now and you need to set boundaries with people like this bride!

Good for you, OP.

If she tries to criticise your decision or just complains, tell her that when/if she ever has a newborn of her own, to give it some thought about how she'd feel if she was asked to leave her less than 2 month old breastfeeding baby at home for a long weekend event for no good reason. Tell her she can apologise then when she realises what an absolute twat she's been to someone who was actually trying to accommodate her ridiculous request.

Why would you bend over backwards for someone that won't put themselves out even slightly for you? Your friend could easily allow your baby to attend if she cared about you being able to attend.

I bet your friend doesn't have kids does she.

I would say you're being more than accommodating by doing the air bnb thing and if she has a problem then just don't go

Agreed - we also were more than welcoming to have all children at our wedding. Some chose to leave them with grandparents but we wanted to have them there! There were garden games for them and then boxes at the table for them all. It’s really not difficult to be accommodating, and yeah, a newborn tends to be no bother whatsoever as long as it’s got its Mum/Dad/food and a clean bum!

In theory sounds manageable however in practice very little goes to plan with a newborn starting with the birth which could be up to two weeks late so your baby may be younger than 7 weeks. Combi feeding can make it more difficult to establish a routine and at that age any routine is tricky so your trips back to check in may not go to plan at all. I went to a large family wedding no children when my first born was 3.5 months they were happy for my husband to sit at back of church for the wedding itself on the understanding that if he started to fuss they left the church then the reception was at a hotel so we stayed there my 17 year old cousin ( 4 younger siblings) was in the room with him the whole time while my mum husband and I popped back on rota so we checked in every 30 mins so in reality my cousin was only with him alone for 20 mins at a time and in all honesty I was still quite anxious. It is really hard to predict how you will feel until baby arrives so trying to accommodate your friend is very thoughtful but I don’t think she is showing you the same courtesy given the situation.

Yep as others have said, the first 3 months of a baby’s life is known as the fourth trimester for a reason. They are part of you still and need 24/7 access to you and care from you. It’s hard for people without babies to understand this so don’t blame her for it but either turn up with the baby or don’t go at all. She will understand and then some when she has a baby, and then will feel very embarrassed about this! If you plan to go without baby, chances are you will stress out on the day and drop out to stay with your baby.

One of my friends got married when my first born was about 5 weeks old. She was fine with us bringing the baby to the wedding, but in the end once I'd given birth I decided I just couldn't deal with it, so we went to the ceremony and then bailed. This was an Australian wedding so much shorter than a typical UK wedding, it was probably going to be about 6 hours and it was in the city where we lived so we didn't have to travel more than about 20 minutes to get there. I think you are quite optimistic that you'll be fine to leave a 7 week old.

Do you want to go to the wedding OP? If you'd feel more relaxed not going then don't. There's pressure for parents to be firing on all cylinders with newborns but if this setup creates ANY additional stress just. Don't. Go! But I can't stand weddings so might not be the person to ask 😆

Honestly? I'd express enough for the day and leave baby with parents. Baby will have no clue whether your'e there or not so long as it's loved and cared for. You'll not die if you don't see baby for c 8 hours.

You just be good at expressing. That would be about 16 sessions of expressing for me, at peak sore nipple time as you adjust into breastfeeding, fine if the ops happy with it, but one more significant pressure on that first month or two if it makes her miserable and she’s exhausted like me.

Must. I don’t proofread!

Yeah not for me. My baby wouldn't have stopped crying for me. Lots of babies this age don't settle for anyone but mum. Especially if breastfed.

Do not go. My three were all breastfed and you can’t time feeds. Baby needs you. I brought mine to loads of weddings at that age but they were in the bassinet beside me. You are only people pleasing if you go as that’s zero fun for you.

Either go and leave the baby to be bottle fed by your (lovely sounding) parents or don’t go. Personally, I would tell her to keep her invite. Can’t take your newborn - what does she think it is, a puppy?

“Sorry, while you’re purportedly my best friend my newborn baby will be my first priority - we’d love to come but not without what undoubtedly will be the most precious and most important person in the world to us. Actually, if you can’t accept me and the baby then we’re probably not going to be friends for much longer anyway so not to worry 😂”.

I’ve got five children, and have taken them to every wedding we’ve been to. I don’t keep the company of that strange breed of people who don’t like children. The only exception I would ever make would be if numbers were small for financial reasons.

Echoing others... I don't have kids and fully support child-free weddings, however it means you have to respect the other peoples decision to not attend. Send a gift and a card but don't go you will not enjoy it.

If your friend calls you out then that is their choice not yours.

@FirstTimeMumToBe0524

Are you going to give us an update

You do whatever works for you! It does seem a lot of work on you (would this friend do this level of hoop jumping for you??) also remember births don’t always go to plan and sometimes recovery is longer than you might think.

my opinion on this is brides get a day but its not up to them to dictate anyone else’s life.

if they choose no children at their wedding - absolutely fine I completely understand- but they must understand then that some people cannot attend. they should not guilt people into coming because of restrictions they have chosen! maybe remind her off this.

It sounds like you want to celebrate your friend’s day and that’s great. I think your plan is a good one. Could you also think about expressing during the day (if BF) and leaving milk with your parents so that you don’t have to pop back so regularly. There’s nothing at all wrong with leaving a little one with your parents for a day while you relax. The baby might be napping when you want to come back, for example and I bet your parents would love to spend that time in sole charge. Presumably you’d be at the end of a phone to check in with? FWIW, I totally get why a bride wouldn’t want kids at her wedding and at 7 weeks, the baby could be a distraction. Why not enjoy your day, comply with the bride’s request and take advantage of a lovely gesture from your parents who will also enjoy being with the baby. Edited to add: not all new mums are exhausted wrecks at 7 weeks. Your baby may well be sleeping well and in some form of routine; mine’s certainly were. Regardless, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the wedding and dare I say, the break from baby and spending time with other half.

I have a 14 month old and I remember making hypothetical plans when I was pregnant, on paper they make sense and appear doable. In reality birth/babys are very unpredictable baby could have colic, they may poop around the clock, want to only be breast feed and refuse bottles, they only want to be held by mum, you may be tired, you be sleep deprived, you may have only got 2 hours sleep, you may have had a cesearean birth and recovering, baby may throw up on you, baby may poonami on you, you may not like the way your parents babysit, or they may not do all that the plan works. Perhaps be more realistic and manage expectations of your friends early and be kind to yourself in this precious 4th trimester. I personally would commit to one portion of the wedding/reception for an hour or two, I'd also reconsider this friendship for the lack of empathy.