Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

This won’t work. Babies don’t have routines this young and must be fed on demand. Very often they will not settle for anyone but their mum either. My 12wk old (DC3) still feeds roughly every hour through the day, although not in a clear pattern. I can leave him with DH/my parents for short periods to eg walk the dog, do school pick up for my other DC, but not more than that, certainly not to be at a wedding for the kinds of periods you’re suggesting. You will be exhausted anyway, and this is ridiculous. Your friend is not a friend if she puts demands like this on you. Just don’t do it, your baby won’t cope, you’ll be miserable and you’ll resent the bride always.
I went to weddings with DC1 and DC2 when they were 4weeks and 8weeks old, and although it’s not easy meeting the needs of a newborn while out all day at a busy event like a wedding, I found it doable. Neither of them impeded on the weddings either. I went to find quiet corners or walked them round the grounds of they were crying a lot and otherwise they’re just in your arms, not in anyone’s way.

I'd decline the invitation.

I'm glad to read that reply OP.
I think it is a time to re evaluate the relationship.
A good friend would understand that baby will be around 7 weeks old (could come earlier or overdue) and if they definitely don't want any babies at the wedding they should understand that you can't go.

Similarly my daughter was 8 weeks old when I was bridesmaid for my sister in law. (She came 2 weeks early) and also I had my aunties wedding when she was 10 weeks old. No hope in hell would I have left her at that point.
She still felt a part of me. My parents said they would babysit for a couple of hours on the night time. That's all I lasted (not even 2 hours) I just wanted to be home.

I know people love a child free wedding. But for me babes in arms aren't classed as having a toddler or child running around. I can't imagine any of my good friends doing this.

Don’t go. Your plan is not workable, with drinks, canapés and photos, there won’t be any time for 2 x10 min drives and whatever else.

She’s not a good friend

The OP has already confirmed they aren’t going to the wedding.

That's utterly bonkers, the bride is being ridiculous expecting you to attend and not bring the very tiny baby. Is she going to pay for your entire party's travel and accommodation so that you can go? I'm guessing not.

Yeah I wouldn’t go. If your baby is due seven weeks before the wedding, you could easily be a couple of weeks late (I was) and could easily need a section (I did) and then you would only be 5 weeks into recovery which means you wouldn’t be able to drive (apart from anything else). If she’s a very good friend I would ask her to wait and see how you feel to decide if you can go, if not, just say no.

I wouldn't go because that sounds like it's going to be really hectic and stressful to be honest. The baby is likely to get upset, the whole time you'll be thinking about her and will probably struggle to enjoy yourself. If baby goes overdue you could only have a 5 week old and either way you're likely to still be bleeding, have leaky boobs etc. I'd tell your friend to stop being so selfish and f off. It's one thing to say no kids, personally don't think newborns should count but it's up to them, but to then get annoyed if people don't come is bang out of order and just suggests that she doesn't actually care about you and your wellbeing and definitely doesn't care about your baby and their needs so why go out of your way to spend all that money and have all that stress to please her.

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option

id make it very clear that not bringing baby isn’t an option!

The slight problem is that babies rarely go to plan, you might have a 4.5 week old, or a colicky baby, or a baby still in the hospital, or a baby who won't eat or sleep without you, or you might have had a c section or lots of stitches.... my SiLs wedding was 6 weeks after our due date, baby was late, I had a 3rd degree tear and surgery and then I had post birth eclampsia and had to be in hospital for a further 10 days, by the time her wedding rolled around I felt hellish, still had what felt like a thousand stitches, was on a ton of medication and had only been a week or two out of the hospital. I didn't go. Babies in arms don't count towards venue numbers so she's being very unreasonable here. I'd talk to her about the fact you'd love to be there but you're not sure exactly how things will pan out and she might need to flex her rule or you might have to cancel last minute....

I’ve voted you are being unreasonable but gently. You don’t know the baby could be 5 weeks if very late. Also, you can plan to combi feed but you don’t know if you’ll have that consistently by that age (whether 5 or 7 weeks). Also you may not feel like leaving them for that long, and if you have a colicky baby like I did there’s no way I’d have forced someone else to have them in the evening when it’s just hours of crying. If you really do want to breast feed you’ll probably be cluster feeding in the evening too. You just don’t know til your baby is here and with weddings you have to commit.

I think PPs are right, she has a choice of with baby or not at all. You can make it clear how much you understand but that these are the only options.

The OP said she wasn’t going several pages back.

Seriously - don’t go. Your baby will be very young and need you; you’ll still be recovering from the birth and involved in all the demands a young baby makes in the first 12 weeks. Although this is a friend, their wedding is irrelevant compared to your baby. Focus on your baby and yourself.

You’ve made the right decision not to go.

Your plan might be fine. My son at 7 weeks old could absolutely not be left. He was breastfeeding on demand and despite me trying never ever would take a bottle, or a dummy. I did leave him once at 6 weeks old for about 2 hours and I had to come back.

or you have a newborn who is quite happy to be left with someone else and switches between breast and bottle. My daughter was ok. I still wouldn’t have left her though.

this actually happened to my SIL and in the end she didn’t go to the wedding, she had to cancel on the day because the baby was poorly and she couldn’t leave.

your friend is being totally unreasonable not allowing a 7 week old to her wedding. You’re clearly not going to be getting drunk anyway, what difference would it make to her if you have your baby with you in a sling or whatever.

personally I would decline the invitation. I don’t know any of my friends with children that would have accommodated this with babies. As my kids have got older it’s absolutely fine, I respect the no children rule but a breastfeeding baby and mum are a package.

I think you might find you’re not up for that when the time comes. She’s unreasonable not to let you bring the baby unless she’s suffered a loss or something.

I'm guessing your friend doesn't have children? It's certainly unreasonable to request no newborn but expect you there.

All the going back and forwards sounds exhausting especially if you have a non sleeper!

I’m glad everyone is so united in the same response.
Ive told this before but I went to a friends wedding and some mutual friends turned up with a 2 day old baby. Baby was in a sling and I never even saw her or heard her. Bride went mental about it. She thought it should have been left at home.
2 years later when she had her own child she had a very different view when she had go to a wedding with an 8 month old!

I think your being very flexible with your solution tbh. I personally wouldn't put you in that position with such a young baby. We didn't allow children at our wedding, which most guests actually were looking forward to a child free day/evening, but that was older children. One of our friends had a baby a few weeks old which of course in allowed to come, there literally slept all day and we're no hassle at all. Flexibility for very young babies should be considered as it is very hard to be away from them all day that young

I had no kids but said to my friend of course her 7 week old was welcome, she left her toddler with her mum but I would never expect a mother to leave a brand new baby behind for multiple hours. Your plan sounds feasible, it's what I'll be doing for a friend's wedding next year albeit with an older baby. I would explain your plan to her, if she gets funny or says she's not happy with it then simply don't go.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

This is a "good" friend? A 7 week old baby can't be in a car seat for 3 hours. It's against safety regulations (or whatever the word is). I absolutely would not go.

I am a MIL and have 2 grandchildren ( 2 yrs and 7 weeks). The 7 week old came for the day for the first time last monday. ( I do Mondays with older one and will have both in January next year) He is breast fed but will happily take a bottle of formula if breast not available. If they were in your situation it would be easy for me to look after the baby whilst they were at the wedding. BUT...
This is your first baby so you will be learning and going from day to day in what happens at that stage.
Son and DILs first baby absolutely refused a bottle with expressed breast milk or formula. He wanted to feed frequently and to be near his mum. Wedding plan would have been an absolute no for him.
DIL is much more confident with second baby than with first ( as we all are). She also has absolute trust in us as carers. As a first time mum you won't have had time to do any of this even if the wedding carer is your mum.
Your friend presumably has no children. She won't understand your situation until she has her own. You can say no to her.

7 weeks is very young and your very much in the throws of colic, broken sleep etc. Honestly baby with you in Pram is much easier - take out if they cry

I think you made a good plan OP. If she's crossed about you disappearing throughout the day then oh well! You're actually trying your best whereas I wouldn't go at all if I had a newborn that wasn't invited.

The plan is fine as long as you're happy to do it (it does sound exhausting though).

HOWEVER:

• why do you have a good friend that says she'll be annoyed if you don't go? It's 7 weeks after giving birth (could be 5?). All kinds of things could (and do!) happen.
• I wouldn't have been able to leave my baby. She was v clingy. Also, if you're planning on breastfeeding- not all babies also take bottles, so be prepared for that.
• Personally, most ppl accept that people with such young babies either don't attend or will need to bring the baby as it's hard to be separated so soon.