Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

445 replies

FirstTimeMumToBe0524 · 12/03/2024 15:37

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Mum2threemonkeys · 14/03/2024 20:37

i wouldnt be going, simple.

Violinmummy · 14/03/2024 20:39

Hi there,

I’m really sorry I haven’t read all the comments. So if someone has already said this I’m sorry…

I don’t think you’ll be able to go because newborns aren’t supposed to be in a car seat for longer than 30 minutes at a time.. so the journey there is just too much for a newborn.

I also think your friend should understand.

We had a no kids wedding as we had a small wedding and small venue, but my friend who had a newborn who she was breastfeeding came with her newborn, she said she could come with him, or not at all. And so we said come with the baby please.

xxx

OldMummyoftwogirls · 14/03/2024 20:40

One of my nephews was a few weeks old when me and my husband got married. He was obviously invited as he was so little and needed his mum! he was so well behaved and spent most of the time asleep. I absolutely understand the no kids rule at weddings but I definitely think newborns shouldn't be included in this. No way would I have left my babies at 7 weeks old to go to a wedding! Especially as I breastfed both of them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families Weddings
McrWife · 14/03/2024 21:40

You will probably have more of an idea of what is or isn’t going to work for you once you have the baby, but I think you should tell bridezilla to do one.

Emma8888 · 14/03/2024 21:54

Friendships go both ways. After we booked our wedding 3 close friends got pregnant. One was due to be a bridesmaid, so we switched her to do a reading instead as she "didn't want to be the elephant bridesmaid" at 8 months gone.

Another had her baby 8 weeks before (textbook birth). Baby (and all children for that matter) was welcome, I arranged a quiet room for breastfeeding, naps etc. and had nannies there if she wanted a break (we had over 20 children in the end - we made it clear they were welcome but also no obligation if parents wanted a night off - there were a mix of both) In the end she called me a couple of days before and said "I. just. can't". It was all too much for her to contemplate (and she didn't have a 3 hour drive!) Of course I was disappointed but completely understood and told her so.

The third ended up with pretty rotten morning sickness etc. mid pregnancy and also bailed at the last minute.

stichguru · 14/03/2024 22:11

If you want to go, your plan sounds good. To be honest I wouldn't bother going though. Any one who prends not to understand why a 10 week old baby needs to stay with it's mum and won't Interrupt their wedding, really doesn't care enough about you for you to go to all that effort.

HMW1906 · 14/03/2024 22:14

It sounds doable.

My friend had a 4 week baby just before my wedding, wedding was about 2 hours from where they live. Baby was invited but she decided to bring her parents to the hotel to look after the baby whilst they were at the wedding and she just nipped back and forwards to check on baby. It was possibly easier that they were staying at the hotel the wedding was at rather than an air bnb up the road but it would be doable. I invited the parents to the evening reception and they came for an hour or so with the baby until the disco started and it got a bit too loud.

If your friends option is this or you don’t come then she needs to be happy with it. If she can’t be then she’s not a real friend…and I’d presume she doesn’t have children yet and wouldn’t know that leaving a 7 week old isn’t as simple as she seems to think it will be.

PissedOff2020 · 14/03/2024 22:30

I’ve had 3 babies of my own. The second we were invited to a wedding when he was 6 weeks, he came to the day do and I drove him home for to my parents for his first overnight stay so I could go to evening do. Evening that was hard, leaving, settling baby before driving back.
When I had my third I did the same at another wedding when he was about 2.5 months. Honestly, it’s quite ridiculous not to expect you to take such a young baby. One of our friend group told another of ours their few week old baby couldn’t come, so Mum couldn’t come. The people getting married had no kids, I wonder if they’d have done that if they’d had their own children and knew what they were asking. I assume your friend has no children?
My cousin got married and had a blanket ban on children. It was 4 hours away. My kids were 7 & 16 months, my family were all going so we couldn’t ask them to look after our kids. My husbands family live 3.5 hours from us - they came up to stay at ours for the weekend in the end. It was a huge ask. My cousin now has 2 children, she brought them to my brothers wedding as had no one else for them. She’s said to me a few times she can’t believe they made that rule and had no idea what they were asking of people!

Irishmumofboys · 14/03/2024 22:50

Your friend sounds like an asshole OP sorry! And you on the other hand sound lovely and so accommodating but your plan is bonkers :)
3 hour drive with a 7 week old? Additional expenses by booking your parents Airbnb? You driving back and forth to take care of baby? And all that for what? To accommodate a “friend” that doesn’t understand that it’s not ok for a mother to leave her brand new baby behind :( it’s crazy. I would prioritise my baby over everything and would simply not go. Or I would offer to go and bring baby or not go at all and let her chose.
but honesty I would never take a 7 week old for a 3 hour drive unless it’s an emergency.
good luck and chose wisely x

Ri2103 · 14/03/2024 23:15

@FirstTimeMumToBe0524 I get where you are coming from - I was you until I had a baby.

There are so many variables here that are out of your control. yes your plan could work but it could also be a total shitshow.

as many have pointed out, you are at the mercy of what your birth ends up being & even with a ‘natural birth’ there can be considerable recovery time for some women (as I have realised with many friends who now have children).

you are at the mercy of the temperant of your child & how life settles as first time parents. Those first couple months are hard & you are very sleep deprived. Myself & hubby had a particularly stressful time with our daughter - we were delirious from lack of sleep after a 5 night hospital stay, our daughter is spirited (even from day 1), she had feeding issues, weight plateau, colic…it was full on. There is no way we could have even considered going to a wedding down the road with baby in tow. We basically didn’t leave the house really aside from park walks for the first couple months.

I don’t want to be all doom & gloom - I have friends who took to new parent life like ducks to water & their babies were easy going. They powered on through their exhaustion & were very sociable with their newborn. You might be these people…but I would advise to not put pressure on yourselves or make elaborate plans until you know what you are dealing with.

I know where your friend is coming from as well, but honestly, she cannot understand how unfair she is being until she has a child/is in that situation. She may have to be mad with you until one day she gets it.

newmomaboutthreads · 15/03/2024 00:20

Decline, totally unreasonable expecting you to come with a 7 week old. It's possible but only if you really really really want to go

newmomaboutthreads · 15/03/2024 00:25

Saying that I did the exact same thing as your plan... I took my 6 week old to a summer wedding (I note the season as it's outdoors and lower infection risk)
It was 3 hrs away and we stayed in an airbnb with my parents and sister. But that was because I really wanted to go to my cousins wedding and see all my extended family. They kindly let my husband and I rsvp just a couple of days before, and we had close family on hand to help. Big difference here though is there was no expectation.

newmomaboutthreads · 15/03/2024 00:26

Oh yeah and the baby was obviously invited

Skiskiskii · 15/03/2024 00:44

Seems ok, but have you free cancellation?

If you have any birth complications (tear or caesarean) you might not be up to going.

Also my first baby cluster fed from 5pm - 2am daily at that age, coming off for 20-30mins then back on again…

In short, you don’t know what way your birth is going to go, what way your baby is going to feed etc.

A 4-6m old I would have more confidence with your plan.

7wks might be too early to pump (it didn’t work for me until 4m). If you start introducing formula you could interrupt BF.

PoppingTomorrow · 15/03/2024 00:58

If you start introducing formula you could interrupt BF.

Like hell would I do that at 7 weeks to appease such a selfish bride

Codlingmoths · 15/03/2024 01:01

newmomaboutthreads · 15/03/2024 00:25

Saying that I did the exact same thing as your plan... I took my 6 week old to a summer wedding (I note the season as it's outdoors and lower infection risk)
It was 3 hrs away and we stayed in an airbnb with my parents and sister. But that was because I really wanted to go to my cousins wedding and see all my extended family. They kindly let my husband and I rsvp just a couple of days before, and we had close family on hand to help. Big difference here though is there was no expectation.

Did you leave your baby at the Airbnb though and visit to breastfeed? That just sounds shit.

Codlingmoths · 15/03/2024 01:03

Sorry, I don’t mean your plan sounds shit! But either leaving twice over the day to drive somewhere and breastfeed, or leaving as often as my baby wanted me which is much much more often than that sounds like a painful schedule to me.

Louise303 · 15/03/2024 01:34

I would decline if she was not happy about you leaving at certain points during the day. She should be happy you have travelled that distance with a tiny baby and its lovely of your parents coming to babysit.

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/03/2024 01:34

Who are these people who think they can demand what guests do anyway ? I’m getting married soon and I would never dream if saying I would be upset if they couldn’t come or needed to leave . Personally I wouldn’t leave a newborn and she is being ridiculous in not allowing the baby

NoThanksymm · 15/03/2024 01:40

Sounds great!

good on you for loving and respecting your friend and child!

lauram31 · 15/03/2024 03:47

This is bonkers !!! New baby still settling into routine , long drive and in your head or on paper this may look like a good plan but personally totally unachievable and exhausting for you ! Can I ask does this bride to be have kids , we have politely declined to family wedding this year due to the no child rule ( bride and groom do have a one year old so shortsighted but hey ho ) and all family at these weddings so nobody able to help with childcare .

honestly sounds like a bit of a headache if I’m being honest ! Sleep deprivation at this early stage is a killer you will burn out doing this ! X

Luckylu123 · 15/03/2024 04:25

You’re not being unreasonable, you have a decent plan, many mums in America are already back at work at 7 weeks. However your friend is being unreasonable expecting you to do this. Tiny newborns don’t typically count as part of child free rules

Leeseykins84 · 15/03/2024 05:01

I personally would decline with a view to accepting last minute.

You have no idea how you are going to feel. You MAY have the baby early, have no problems feeding, feel absolutely fine after birth and be getting some sleep by then, if you are lucky.

You MAY have the baby two weeks late via c section (meaning you wouldn’t be legally allowed to drive at that point). The baby may be going through a growth spurt and cluster feeding that day meaning all you could really do is sit on the sofa. There’s no way to know this far ahead.

I would say something like this. “I have no idea what my life is going to be like then and there is a likelihood I won’t be able to attend at all depending on how the birth goes. What would you prefer? Shall I decline now but let you know a few weeks before if I think I can make it. Or would you rather me be a flat no so I don’t muck you around.”

if she’s being a little unreasonable and putting pressure on you she sounds like she wouldn’t be impressed by a last minute cancellation and you don’t need that kind of emotional stress at that point in your life.

I’m assuming she doesn’t have kids and just doesn’t understand the effort it will take for you to get there (if you even can) so she might just need filling in.

But honestly, it’s so different for everyone so I would say the most considerate thing you could do for her is decline now and say yes if you find your having a real easy time with it xxx

Redcar78 · 15/03/2024 06:26

Who gives a fuck if she expects you to go, you'll have a 7 week old baby, you'll regret this plan. You'll be shattered, just don't go, put your baby first not your friend.

Swipe left for the next trending thread