Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

THE OP HAS UPDATED TO SAY THEY ARE NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING.

I missed a fair few wedding when I had little babies. Might be wrong, but couldn’t deal with all the hassle, too much like hard work.

The bride is being very unreasonable and I think you have made an excellent plan. I wouldn’t worry about her being annoyed by you coming and going, she hasn’t exactly made it easy for you to attend in the first place.

Id be prepared to be flexible though, you just may not be up to it so long after giving birth and breastfeeding. I would warn the bride that whilst you can attend at the moment as you don’t know the timing or circumstances of the birth you can’t be 100% sure all will be ok.

@FirstTimeMumToBe0524 appreciate your now not going in relation of you don't know what to expect or recovery. This will hinge massively what happens in birth unfortunately so it's difficult for your friends to give you the answer.

With my first I was recovered around 8 week mark (multiple stitches) with my second it was the 2 week mark.
It changes if you have intervention, episiotomy, planned section emergency section etc.

But I would say its a good starter to look into your birth plan and be clear on where your red lines are. Also if aiming for v delivery read into the drug choices but also what that can mean - epidural for instance increases chances of labour slowing down and intervention.
If aiming for v delivery then make sure you do your perineum massages etc.

hope all goes well OP

This. I understand why people without kids want kid free weddings but there's no point in getting upset when some people can't attend as a result.

Edt: when will I learn to read the whole thread first?!

Just on the idea that having a child-free anything is doing a favour to parents.

Not a favour for many- if you can't leave them with a family member or trusted friend (thus inconveniencing them!) then you have to pay for babysitting. All well and good but in our situation we have literally no family support (Gps either deceased or live in New Zealand) and our oldest child had medical needs that meant he needed someone trained in providing his medication when required and trained in seeing when he was about to have a medical episode.

He's 14 now and DH and I have never attended anything childfree together as someone always needs to be with DS. We have had friends really question this and some become annoyed. One claimed that DS was 'manipulating the situation'. Now that I am 50 and menopausal I find that i am quite happy to shed people like this from my life.

I wouldn’t go. If you don’t invite the baby can’t expect mum to go. Let your friend be annoyed.
I’ve declined multiple child free weddings when babies were <1 year. Breastfeeding and also I didn’t want to be hours away from them or for them to be minded by someone I didn’t know or trust.
Your friend clearly doesn’t want you there enough to invite your baby I wouldn’t think twice about declining the invite. Babes in arms are hardly any hassle to the bride and groom - it’s toddlers that are a little more chaotic.

I'll also add that we went to a wedding once and right in the middle of a prayer a child started to grizzle a bit. The vicar stopped and said ; 'The most beautiful sound you will ever hear in any church is the sound of a child'.

I liked that alot. And it helped the frazzled parents.

I went to my sister’s wedding with seven week old twins - If they couldn’t have gone I wouldn’t have attended. It would have been a nightmare. We didn’t stay for the whole evening do, but managed most of the day. We lived an hour away so just drove to and from. I cannot understand brides who make these rules when it comes to newborns; if she is a good friend she should accommodate you. You’ll be run ragged and may be recovering from a c section, so might struggle to drive.

A good friend would let you do whatever you’re comfortable with and would include your baby without a second thought.
Honestly the bloody fuss made about weddings these days, it just turns normal people into entitled psychos banging on about “their day” and often destroys relationships with close friends and family, it’s just not worth it. If you blow thousands on a wedding you seriously need your head read.

I’m glad you’ve decided not to attend. Excellent decision. 👍

As a woman, you will always be getting people trying to persuade you into doing stuff FOR THEIR BENEFIT that has little benefit to you or is even to your own detriment.

Use this opportunity of being a new mum to stop and think before automatically agreeing to these requests. The only people you need to prioritise are you and your little one, and possibly your partner.

Also, try and make a few friends with other mums of little ones the same age. These are the friends you’ll need support from in the early years. I was a SAHM and had a little group of 5 mums during the pre-school years who were absolutely invaluable.

I bf, and neither would take a bottle, even when ravenous so the one time I attempted something like this my poor mum was left with a screaming baby for a solid hour 🙈 op you are being very accommodating and it’s a great plan for a slightly older baby, but for a 7 week old Injust think it is way more stress than it is worth, you will probably end up hating your friend or at least resenting her!
there’s a 50% chance this won’t be her only wedding, tell her you’ll come to the next one 🤣🤣🤣

I would decline. To refuse a babe in arms-especially only a few weeks old is totally unreasonable and not the sign of a good friend of she can’t be understanding if you decline. I’d drop her tbh.

Think you've made the right decision. You could very well have a smooth birth and a baby who is easy to settle and feed. However you just don't know until the time and it would be way worse to pull out at the last minute than to decline now so they can invite someone else.

If you go ahead with your plan I bet you she wouldn’t even notice half the time whether you’re there or not. She'll be too busy being a bride and circulating. Even if she does, she’ll have to suck it up and be grateful you’re there at all.

Your friend is being beyond unreasonable. She’s issued a diktat, not an invitation.

You will hopefully be 7 weeks post partum by that point: what if you go over term and end up needing a c-section? Then you cannot drive. You also might not want to be away from your newborn for that long. You might be utterly exhausted. Also, that is far far too long in a car for your baby without stopping every 30 minutes (I think it’s that short..? Look it up) - this is a ridiculous situation your friend is trying to force upon you.

It would be a no from me. I’d also question the friendship if they were already a parent and if they’re not then they just have no concept of what they are trying to force you to do.

Sorry i pressed the wrong button. What does your friend expect you to do?

What? I simply wouldn’t go. At 7 weeks post partum after c section I can just about manage to walk again… a big no to travelling to a wedding where the baby is not invited

You are not being unreasonable at all! though in my experience very unrealistic - mainly because I didn’t WANT to leave my baby for a minute until they were at least 3 months old, but also because of the physical recovery from birth i simply could not have managed this (standard for c-sections etc)! They were also exclusively BF. Everyone is different but really you will not know how you will feel about leaving your baby / your physical condition (or how your baby will manage) until they are here.

I would also gently point out though that it is very unreasonable to be annoyed at a friend, who is a brand new mother for not coming to your wedding… have you considered this? I must assume they are childless based on this fact alone. Completely fine for them to have no children there - but then they must accept that many parents would turn down the invite. The risk of them being annoyed at you is therefore quite a lot of pressure on you to turn up, even if you don’t actually want to go when the time does come (which is PERFECTLY FINE btw!).
your idea is well thought-out and doable in theory though and if you have the funds/can get a refundable air bnb then this is a good compromise, just one i don’t feel you should even have to consider!

So good you decided not to go. I wouldn´t. And my daughter was "exclusively formula fed". No way would I have gone. Also a good move that you look at this "friendship" more closely. She obviously doesn´t worry much about your confort or well being and sounds quite "controlling". You vill come or I vill be annoyed... Excuse me? I would be less available and concentrate on making some mum friends.

Friend who I imagine does not have children must accept if you do decide to go, the baby comes first and you'll fit her in around the baby's needs. You're in the fourth trimester when the baby is still part of you.

I think you're only being unreasonable in putting yourself through driving backwards and forwards all day and night. I think if you aren't prepared to be away from the baby for the duration (which is ABSOLUTELY fine!) then you are more than OK to politely decline the invite. Your friend (who I assume has no children) will have to understand that if she imposes restrictions on attendance (which she is also entitled to do) then there will be some people that can't make it!

Conversely, you might be feeling like you're ready for a bit of me time after caring for a newborn for 7 weeks and a break for the day will be most welcome. Please do whatever you feel comfortable with and don't try to please everyone and exhaust yourself!

It depends on your baby not all breastfed babies will take a bottle. I had to top my son's up though I couldn't produce enough milk to satisfy him from about 6:weeks and did mixed feeding until 7 months.

Your friend is being unreasonable. Not so much a friend, she is being a bit over the top with the wedding. What's wrong with brides theses days.