Be honest.. when does parenting get easier?

[Liverpoolgirl50]

I had PND for the first year so there is a definite fog around that, my DD had a cows milk allergy and reflux, and was a pretty poorly baby. It got a little easier after she turned 1 and started walking - I was actually beginning to really enjoy it all. She’s about to turn 20 months and BAM - tantrums.

Fall to the ground, won’t get up, won’t be held, screaming tantrums. In the middle of Tesco, usually, because I’m trying to hurry her along or won’t let her have something. I try and manage them as best I can - getting to her level, asking her to use her words to explain the problem, even good old distraction. It is works 9/10 times but god the whole process is exhausting.

Does this phase last a long time? She’s a fairly strong willed little girl and I’m doing my best, but for example, when will going out in public become enjoyable again and not an anxiety inducing activity? 😂

I have three.
Turning points were 6 weeks, 10 months and the big one 3.5.
I was so happy when the youngest turned 3.5!

when people post on here about the teen years being difficult is always because they’ve not twigged that parenting is about supporting sound emotional development not command and control

The OP asked which stage was the most difficult and for some that will be the teenage years for a host of reasons. You don't know anything about people's individual circumstances nor indeed even experienced them yourselves. What a lot of judgemental horse-shit your spouting.

The confidence to post this when you haven't even parented one teenager!

Perhaps your intense, front loaded parenting style will lead to neurotic DC who struggle to assert their independence.

No one can know what their DC will grow to be like, no matter how much they read or how hard they try.

HeddaGarbled · Today 08:55

Come back to me when your children are older

Is youngest being 33 long enough to speak with experience 😃

Well then your experience is very different to mine.

Oh yes 3.3-3.5 was a really happy turning point with our now 4 year old, before this it was difficult to go out on any day trips, holidays etc (which wanted to do for our 8 year old) due to tantrums, running off etc, then it was like a light switched, still remember our first successful relatively stress free walk 😌 was such a game changer for whole family. Remember friend with 1st same age at wits end 18 months ago and trying to reassure her that normal and will hopefully pass, our 4 years olds both now much calmer and in school, that’s not to say I’m not looking forward to the peace and quiet and someone not needing my attention every 10 minutes for a few hours tomorrow 😌

lpogdhur · Today 09:01

I assume you have a baby... Please don't patronise me.

Have you read your comments? Perhaps your experience is more down to your lack of resilience, more likely lack of memory, mine are still teens but I don't know any colleague, family member or friend who is quite so precious as what you're describing. But no, no please do tell me, you as the authority on all motherhood being the only mother on the planet to have gotten to your stage, why your opinion matters most. Don't be a dick, this is a parenting forum with a mum in the thick of it reaching out and needing a bit of hope and support, not your goady, and deliberately provocative posts relishing on the kicking of mums at an earlier stage. Maybe pretend you're talking to your daughter and reflect on what you'd really be saying to her.

I don't know who the hell you think you are! I posted from my own experience. If you don't like it, scroll on by!! You are talking absolute crap. Just go away.

@Fernsfernsferns that's an interesting post.
I was thrilled when I stumbled across ahaparenting. I was Googling "should I punish my child?" because all my friends with toddlers similar ages were discussing time out and naughty step and other punishments and I really couldn't be bothered with all that. It sounded like too much effort.
Ahaparenting gave me permission to carry on not punishing and I never have. It aligned with me views.
I do have teens and they're great. We're human so we'll have a few battles, but generally, no trouble at all.
I'd be worried if we didn't have some battles. After all, I've tried to bring them up strong, resilient and with confidence in their own opinions so it's natural.

SarahAndQuack · Today 10:20

No, I don't have a baby. I understand that you worry about children at all life stages, and obviously some ages will be harder than having a baby, or hard in a different and painful way. But saying it is all exactly as hard as having a baby seems ... TBH, as if you just want to make the OP feel rubbish. I can't believe it is true, unless you had spectacularly easy babies. Really, there wasn't any one moment in 18 years of childhood where you didn't feel it was easier?

Not really, no. You worry about their childcare. Are they happy? Is it the best you can provide? You worry about them getting into your chosen primary school. Then you worry about them in school - have they got friends? Are they coping well? Are they enjoying their afterschool activities? Should they continue them or not? Then you do your best to get them into the best post-primary school. And you worry about how they are getting on academically, you deal with friend issues, school issues and before you know it, they are applying for university, and the stress and worry that comes with hoping they will get to go where they want to go, and achieve all they want to. Hopefully they graduate, and you worry about whether they will get a job in their chosen career, and what they do in the meantime while waiting to get there. That's not including issues like having underage sex, falling out with friends, learning to drive and worrying that they are safe, teenage pregnancy, smoking, drinking, drug-taking! Give me the baby days any day!

God there are some truly naive and ignorant parents out there!! Good luck to you!!!

I find 6-10 lovely ages. Old enough to understand and reason with. Young enough to still be fun and innocent (believe in Santa, magic etc).

I think 5 and under there's alot of crying and tantrums and potty training, carrying. And once they start big school they change and the teenage problems begin 😂.

My eldest is 34. I'm still waiting We pour our whole selves into our kids and their problems become ours naturally, so it's never easy, but the snatches of enjoyment and peace do get bigger

Most decent people will never stop loving, caring for, worrying about, supporting, being invested in, doing the best they can for their children.

But imo it's disingenuous to compare the relentless all consuming job of looking after, and caring for a toddler or preschooler, where you fear if you go the loo, they might create chaos or hurt themselves....and parenting an older teen or independent adult.

The OP asked which stage was the most difficult

She didn't, actually. She asked when her current exhausting phase would end and when she'd be able to take her child out without worrying about tantrums. For some reason a lot of posters read this as an invitation to talk about their teenagers, but that isn't what she asked.

It depends, I’ve got 3 adult DC and they are getting on with their lives, occasional input and worries from me but yes but generally they are just a pleasant part of our lives. Almost feels the reward now for all the years of hard work. It doesn’t compare to the input, stress, worry etc put into my 4 year old who generally wants my attention every few minutes and we’ve already done our first tantrum of the day. Although still that was nothing compared to the work they involved at 1-2 when couldn’t nip in the kitchen to make a cup of tea without them having an accident and wasn’t unusual for me to have been up since 5am with a few night wakings in between and multiple daily tantrums not unusual. I think with older teens, it varies. If they are not going through any major issues then yes of course it’s easier but if they are it’s massively more stressful than the early years as it’s not just physically tiring and mentally draining in the way a toddler is. It’s actually quite traumatic to have your teen subject to harmful forces outside your control or if their are issues with their behaviour or mental health, it’s not like with a tantrum where you know in an hour they will be sitting there smiling with their snack watching peppa pig. Even when I was actually going through the exhaustion of a not easy baby/toddler at the same time as big teen issues, I had no doubt which was the more challenging

3-4 for my firstborn. My 2 year old is hard work!

My son is three and each stage of parenting so far has been easier than the last. They come with different challenges of course but he can now play independently when required, can take himself to the toilet, eat nicely at the table etc. In that regard he's VERY easy now compared to how he was as a baby.

I hope the tantrums come to an end for you soon OP! :)

Fizbosshoes · Today 08:30

But imo it's disingenuous to compare the relentless all consuming job of looking after, and caring for a toddler or preschooler, where you fear if you go the loo, they might create chaos or hurt themselves....and parenting an older teen or independent adult.

It is absolutely not "disingenuous"! It may be physically less demanding but IMHO (if I am allowed to express it without being attacked!) the mental load when they're older is heavier. When they're small, you can control what they do, where they go, who they see, what they're exposed to. As they start to gain in independence, the worry factor most definitely increases. Out with friends - what are they doing? Getting into trouble, smoking, vaping, having underage sex, getting pregnant, getting into drugs? Who are they mixing with? Are they safe? How are they getting home? They go to stay over with friends and you don't know the parents. They're doing public exams. Stress city! They become more opinionated and argumentative. They are always right and parents know nothing.

Then they (hopefully) get the grades for whatever they've chosen to do. (Trust me I will never forget the full week we waited to see if my eldest had got their 1st choice uni and didn't!) They learn to drive - have other youngsters ferry them around - that's quite terrifying!! Then they move away from home... more worry. Are they happy? Are they studying properly? Have they made friends, 'decent' friends? Are they looking out for each other on nights out? Is their mental health ok?

And those are just 'standard' worries. Thankfully mine have kept pretty much on the 'straight and narrow', are doing very well for themselves, and I'm so very proud of them. But, what if your child does fall in with a bad crowd, and gets into trouble of some sort? What if they have a mental health crisis especially if they are living away from home? Or worse?

That's before you get to the stage of life partners, potentially poor choices (read these boards!!), making a home, having a family (I dread it in some ways, I will be so scared for them!), and then there's grandchildren and the whole merry-go-round starts all over again.

So please don't patronise me by telling me that older children are 'easier'. The worries you have with them when they become independent are more serious than when they're tiny - because you can control that narrative.

Easier is a very relative term! I think it gets easier when they turn 60 and their lives are whatever they're going to be. 😅

@Fernsfernsferns as she notes there by 17-18 if you have parented them right you are done in active parenting but they CHOOSE to come to you as a trusted advisor

I am here to tell you, that is absolute BOLLOCKS!!

Aged 4. Especially when they go to school. They make friends

My parents - god bless than and I'm very grateful - are babysitting my toddler today. I think they'd be very amused indeed if I shared with them that actually that's so much easier than the usual 'parenting' they have to do of their adult children, I.e. getting on with their lives and occasionally wondering whether we and our families are all OK. Weirdly, it seems to be the toddler who leaves them needing a nap, not the constant mental toil of thinking about a couple of 30-somethings...

Sorry but my DD is 35 and about to have her first baby and I'm treading on eggshells and am generally quite anxious about it all. So maybe never!

Mine are 38. 36, 34, and 27. You will always be parenting in some way. The role just changes.

Don't wish on them being older. It's something we all do, I know. It flies. I'm a nana to 5 now, and it's like "woah"

Be glad she is alive and well. No one knows what's around the corner.

I'm attending a funeral this week of a little girl who is 7. Her family understandably, so are in bits. They won't get over it.

How do you learn to live with our greatest fear of all of us. God knows, nor do I hope, never to find out.

Before anyone says it: I'm not trying to belittle your situation. I'm no paragon of virtue.

I was in a very difficult marriage when my adult children were young. They weren't happy young years for me with my children.

I shared that to help you look at the other side. In all this, make sure you have me time, too, as too often us mom's don't make that time.

Is there anyone you can leave her with when you go shopping?

I found the baby and toddler years hard work but found it gradually gets easier after that. (19 and nearly 17 year old dds now)

But do they lie on the ground shrieking when you take them to Tesco? Which was the OP's original question