Be honest.. when does parenting get easier?

[Liverpoolgirl50]

I had PND for the first year so there is a definite fog around that, my DD had a cows milk allergy and reflux, and was a pretty poorly baby. It got a little easier after she turned 1 and started walking - I was actually beginning to really enjoy it all. She’s about to turn 20 months and BAM - tantrums.

Fall to the ground, won’t get up, won’t be held, screaming tantrums. In the middle of Tesco, usually, because I’m trying to hurry her along or won’t let her have something. I try and manage them as best I can - getting to her level, asking her to use her words to explain the problem, even good old distraction. It is works 9/10 times but god the whole process is exhausting.

Does this phase last a long time? She’s a fairly strong willed little girl and I’m doing my best, but for example, when will going out in public become enjoyable again and not an anxiety inducing activity? 😂

But to answer your question, I found 2.5 onwards much, much easier. Not because my child stopped having big feelings and tantrums but because they were old enough to join me in the activities I like and need to do without trying to kill themselves at every opportunity.

She can't use words or explain right now and expecting her to do so will be more frustrating for you and her. You name the feeling if you have an idea and you probably do most of the time. She can't regulate herself so she needs you to and overtime the tantrums will lessen. Hard as it is the more you resist it, the more it persists. If you can accept it and be comfortable and confident she'll feel that too. Janet Lansbury is very good for scripts around this. I loved that age as they are so ready to explore and learn etc, give her plenty of chid led free time, walking was a favourite here, stopping along the way etc and you might find she has less frustrations elsewhere.

@Liverpoolgirl50
OP too many people have started waffling on about the teenage years which are a decade away... for your CURRENT situation it will be progressively easier and much easier around 3-5.
DD is 4.5 and can go to the loo herself, doesn't get up before the gro clock says it's time, can independently play and can be reasoned with. She's now learning to set the table, blow her own nose properly etc. days out are easier.
We look at her best friends parents who have a one year old as well now and they say how it is much more exhausting, hands on and relentless the younger they are.
Im a primary teacher, DH is secondary but we were not prepared for the relentlessness and often drudgery of the 0-3 tbh where they need you every bloody minute. I type this sat in a soft play surrounded by screaming toddlers and being so grateful I don't have to deal with that shit anymore.

I always look at parenting like a pendulum it’s swings to a fro and some stages are harder than others but will always have their nice parts as well.
I work with children (was a primary teacher for 10 years) and now gone back to EYFS and honestly experiences completely depend on the child / your outlook also. X

Bits that were easier and bits that are harder, sure I've had.

Nothing was as easy as newborns for me personally. And the second most would have called a 'high needs' baby. Everyone likes different stages.

Absolutely agree everyone likes different stages; not trying to suggest otherwise.

But the poster I was responding to claims that her entire experience of raising children up to adulthood has involved the same level of challenge all the time, and that - to me - feels both implausible, and like the sort of thing you say to a worried new mum (such as the OP) as a deliberate put down. I could be wrong.

Supermarkets are hard. Do you have to take her with you? We had a deliver saver thing and did it all online.

But they just gradually get easier I think. And you learn to not care.

I agree, I didn’t understand that post at all and did think too would be horribly depressing reading as a new mother. Maybe that was the poster’s experience but can reassure the OP that it’s not typical at all. 5 children here and yes some differences in what was the most difficult stages between them but none of them were consistently difficult through out. From my own and friend’s experiences I would say kids go through phrases particularly in the first 3-4 years, they’ll cycle through easier and more difficult phrases and then generally gradually become easier. My grown up DC are off living their own lives. 8 year old would hardly know there much of the time but still the general care, clubs, chatting etc, 4 year old still quite a bit of work but will play/watch tv for periods of time and also at school so far easier than as a 21 month old

🙈🙈🙈 sorry I don’t think you understand the difficulties of the teen years at all. I’ve had a teenager and a spirited non sleeping baby and then toddler at the same time so certainly not looking back at comparisons with rose tinted specs as I was living both concurrently (and also with older teen before even had new babies) Although I’ve just sympathised with how hard toddlers can be in previous post and how of course older (pre teen) children generally miles easier. In my experience (and others) the teen years were hands down the most difficult stage by a country mile. You have so much more control over their life and safety when they are toddlers and their moods never last that long. A teenager is someone you have the same responsibility for but without the authority you have over a toddler but whose behaviour can be just as wild or subject to forces completely out of your control. I can’t begin to explain the stress that having a teenager can have which makes even the worst of coping with a toddler seem like child’s play! Equally some teenagers come with none of this stress at all. It isn’t always the teenagers behaviour itself, sometimes it’s things your teenager is going through.

I had a couple of sleepless night recently worrying about my teen (17) but when they were 0-6 every night was disrupted. I recently had to stay up late to collect from a party....but they didn't need my help settling back to sleep.
She recently was really upset and stressed about something and she cried/I consoled her for an hour and a half, and the problems are often ones that as a parent I can't make better....but I'd still think its less intensive that the toddler years.

Today I went on a 1.5 hr run safe in the knowledge teen was fine indoors, could get their breakfast, shower etc. Even if I was worrying about them the whole time (I wasnt) the actual physical parenting isn't as demanding

I always think it's more about whatever stage is best suited to you and your skills/talents/abilities. I found the very early times tough, but have found it easier since DD could talk properly. It also helps that she is a pretty good talker. She's 4, so obviously we have a lot of stages to go, but this, for me, has been the easiest/best to date.

Mine are ten and seven and the answer I've always got when I ask the question is it doesn't easier it just gets different. Different problems and different worries. Forever! Argh!!

On the plus side my seven year old has now learnt to make me coffee and bring it to me in bed (he is supervised by his dad or older brother)

A lot can depend on circumstances, l was sailing along thinking quite smugly life is a breeze, don't know what the fuss is, then my husband died very suddenly and all hell broke lose. Also your child's temperament can make a difference, a child who is assertive, a non people pleaser with an iron will, will be more challenging than happy go lucky type. I have one of each.

4/5ish is the big turning point imo, it’s when they start to get to that age you can comfortably leaving them in another room without the worry that they’re going to “post” their sandwich into the PlayStation or throw themselves off the table.

Mmmm

worth reading the book I mentioned up thread

calm parents happy kids

she also had a website www.ahaparenting.com

which has an ages and stages section with excellent coverage on teens.

as she notes there by 17-18 if you have parented them right you are done in active parenting but they CHOOSE to come to you as a trusted advisor

as I also said up thread I am front loading my parenting. So 10 years in it’s still pretty intense. But that’s because I’m emotionally literate and I know the expression ‘give me the child at 7 and I will show you the man (adult)’ is basically true.

get the early years right in terms of offering the combination of unconditional acceptance and love with calm but firm boundaries fed by your own emotional resources to hear and hold but not to react to their big negative emotions and they will
be ok.

when people post on here about the teen years being difficult is always because they’ve not twigged that parenting is about supporting sound emotional development not command and control

Pnd, reflux many food allergies. The first year was the worst year of my life. I have very few memories of that time.

I around 2 years I was out of the fog and back to normal and it's got better and better since then. She is a beautiful person inside and out. She is a challenge, she is a breeze, she has tantrums and she laughs with joy. There is black white and a whole pallets of greys. The first year was black and more black. Each year gives more variety and that makes the hard days easier. She's 3.5 now and still very much struggling with reflux, no closer to outgrowing allergies and goes through periods of barely sleeping and eating like when she was a newborn. She smiles now and gives hugs and something back now.

Oh gosh @Superscientist I couldn’t have put it better myself, thank you. We too are still battling reflux and allergies, but at least they are being managed now rather than the complete unknown of a screaming baby for the first 6 months.

Thank you so much everyone - I really appreciate your honest answers and I feel like there is a glimmer of hope. We enjoyed a good 30 minutes of bowling today, before she took off running and threw a strop 😂 which felt like a good middle ground I suppose!

I just have to try and remind myself it’s a season, like everything else. One day she will hopefully be a strong willed teenager that I lose sleep over (but will at least be able to catch up during the day!)

🤣🤣🤣 I have never been given such patronising bullshit by and by someone who previously stated they have never actually parented teens and cannot think of anyone with professional experience of teen like friends who are secondary school teachers would ever gone out with such tripe. My ‘teens’ are all grown up and doing brilliantly now thank you very much, incredibly proud of and close to all of them. I’m enjoying and making the most of the pre teen years as I’m not as deluded to think that any parent can escape teen traumas by anything else except luck. No doubt your head is so far up your own behind you have even come across the stories of parents who had to go through the trauma of their teens committing suicide because they were so badly bullied, I’m sorry but toddler and teen issues are worlds apart. As for getting to sleep following teen issues, what planet are you on, have you ever actually spent the morning looking for your teen too nervous about going to school, have you ever come across fellow parents who have had to give up their jobs because they couldn’t rely on their teen getting to school unless they physically took them in etc, not to mention teens who get in with the wrong crowd. Please don’t forgot I have also bought up 5 babies and toddlers, the youngest of whom is only 4 🙈

I remember a long chat with a taxi driver on a journey once. He had a LOT of children (something like 9) ranging from a newborn to 20ish. I asked him what the trickiest age is because he's basically doing them all simultaneously. He said teens. Gutting.

I'm going to hope he was wrong or unlucky 😂

Well I have two teens and they are a piece of piss so I guess it varies greatly. Those sleep deprived newborn months were by far the hardest.

It does vary greatly, I had 1 teen who was quite easy and breezed through school with minimal friendship/bullying issues etc and DSC teens who are an absolute delight. I also had 1 baby and toddler who never had any sleep issues or tantrums at all, was bliss but obviously had the experience of several other children to know that I was just lucky. Simultaneously having been through teen issues and spirited non sleeping toddlers, they are both hard but teens issues are on another level of you are unlucky enough to go through them, far more complex and stressful

Gets easier between 6-10 years old. Then harder again until 17/18 in my experience

I think up until 4/5 is the most difficult in a way because it’s doing so much for them plus physically sometimes having to carry, lift PLUS the worry of them getting hurt due to climbing etc plus tantrums, saying no etc. Eldest is 16 and we’ve had issues with study and worry eg that he’s in cinema and not out drinking etc but in general while there’s ups and downs throughout I’d put baby and toddler stage as the most exhausting (although sitting outside a teen disco praying there’s been no issues and he comes out fine is a bit nerve wracking!)

Sounds very much like and similar sort of minor worries as with my 1 easy teen, baby/toddler years were far harder work in comparison, if have as little worry and stress with my younger children through their teens will consider myself very lucky!