Be honest.. when does parenting get easier?

[Liverpoolgirl50]

I had PND for the first year so there is a definite fog around that, my DD had a cows milk allergy and reflux, and was a pretty poorly baby. It got a little easier after she turned 1 and started walking - I was actually beginning to really enjoy it all. She’s about to turn 20 months and BAM - tantrums.

Fall to the ground, won’t get up, won’t be held, screaming tantrums. In the middle of Tesco, usually, because I’m trying to hurry her along or won’t let her have something. I try and manage them as best I can - getting to her level, asking her to use her words to explain the problem, even good old distraction. It is works 9/10 times but god the whole process is exhausting.

Does this phase last a long time? She’s a fairly strong willed little girl and I’m doing my best, but for example, when will going out in public become enjoyable again and not an anxiety inducing activity? 😂

Probably because not all children are the same and some of us have children with SEN. My daughter had a full time 1:1 all day in school even in year 6 so it’s different for everyone and there’s no a set age where a child “gets easier” though I realise NT children will be different

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned

Because the stress and input of caring for a suicidal child is far more exhausting and overwhelming than having three under 3 IME.

I found the relentless "hard work" of pre-schoolers far easier than the teens.

Couldn't agree more, the 'it doesn't get easier, it just gets different' is total bullshit and not helpful at all.

@RandomMess whilst I am genuinely sorry to hear that, that's quite a specific set of circumstances that doesn't offer much support to a mother struggling with a young child?

I'm really genuinely sorry to hear that but you're comparing having a chronically ill teenager to having healthy small children. Parenting a child who is very ill, mentally or physically, is always going to be much harder regardless of their age.

Mine are 5 and 2 and I don't agree with people who say their 5yo is 'easy' or no bother and the like BUT definitely still much easier in many ways than the 2yo. And you can have more fun and bigger variety of experiences with them when they get older, so it's less boring frankly too. I would say from about 3 it is much easier compared to those first couple of years, honestly.

With the supermarket example though, my 2 yo is usually in a buggy or a trolley seat in a supermarket tbh which mostly prevents any tantrum-type issues there.

Sorry I should’ve said I was referring to NT children particularly. I do realise that there are completely different challenges associated with ND children.

It was more in the sense of when will this become less physically draining. I have a 10 year old niece who is an absolute sweetheart but is just becoming a sassy little so and so and I can feel those hormones 😂

Depends on the child. One of mine is joy she has been easy from age 3 I would say. My 7 year old is still very very challenging (but still a joy)

Under 3s are the hardest IME (and yes that includes teens!).

I think people need to remember to look at where someone has posted and the reason behind the post, OP is a tired mum in the thick of it looking for some hope, not a goady poster in AIBU seeking a fight or competition. If your friend told you she was struggling and asking if it gets easier, would you be saying "oh no it never gets easier" I genuinely don't think people feel like that, but if they do, I think they have a way of saying things better in a different situation. Now I await being called the thread police...

I have an eight year old and the last couple of years have been utterly delightful. It's a marvellous age and I wish we could stay here forever. She's fun, full of wonder and joy, most of the backbreaking and onerous tasks are a thing on the past, she is so loving and just good. No moaning, no cheek, lives to make us happy, really. Glows with joy when we notice her nice manners and kind ways. It's worth the tough stages to get here.

@StephanieSuperpowers that was such a lovely post, kudos to you because you must be doing something really right 💖

Why is it bullshit? Surely everyone’s experience is different? Personally I found the baby and toddler years an absolute doddle, loved every bit of it. Definitely not enjoying the teenage years as much, finding it all much harder to navigate.

You can’t just denounce someone else’s view as bullshit just because it doesn’t mirror your own.

4-11 the easiest time, although it has its own challenges. Teen years (so far) not as physically demanding but a lot of emotional strain. One of the hardest things I've found as a parent is when your child is unhappy and you can't make it better.

1 - worried about milestones/weaning/everything

2- hard work- they move now, quickly.

3- three agents. Enough said.

4- starting school; they are either really ready/bored at pre school or not quite ready and very emotional.

5 - year 1. New routines, lots of things to remember. Parties every bloody weekend.

6-10 - I found this the easiest bit. They sit and watch a film, don't need you all the time and tend to sleep through the night.

11 - senior school. Game changer - they grow up overnight which brings more worries

12-14 - puberty starts. Good luck

15-16 - hormonal, non communicative, GCSE stress and worry (for you, they'll be cool as a cucumber - which will stress you more).

I haven't got to 17 yet but hoping that's the answer to your question...

I'd say it really depends on a few factors especially how consistent your parenting is to set the standard early and then there is definitely an element of wider influences and good or bad luck too! Mine are now grown up but parenting still has it's challenges even at this stage. There are peaks and troughs throughout from toddlers to teens and beyond.

I had a good run between ages 4 and 9 with mine. More independent yet still quite sweet and innocent, happy to go along with whatever. 9 year old is now almost 10 and I can see the coming few years are going to require a step up in parenting from me!

I think the key differences are the physical exhaustion from hands on parenting in the early years vs the more emotional challenges that comes with parenting older kids, in particular the lack of control. I guess this is hugely personality driven, but my personality certainly lends itself to teenage parenting more than early years, especially as I put huge value on my own time and freedom, and when there is a mum asking about future parenting in the early days, I usually assume they are pretty exhausted by the relentless physical nature of parenting younger children, that I think becomes a blur to other parents the further they are away from it.

DS1 (nearly 4) is a pretty demanding, highly strung child by nature. I’d still say he is currently easier than his 8 month old brother, who, as far as babies go, is quite laid back. My 4 year old takes himself to the toilet, doesn’t need a pram, doesn’t need carrying, doesn’t shriek in the car seat, doesn’t fling food around, doesn’t want to crawl up the stairs, doesn’t need breastfeeding every few hours, doesn’t need naps, can sit and watch tv and sleeps through the night. We can chat about stuff and, even when he’s cross or sad, I can usually fathom why even if I can’t fix it. I’m only 4 years on but currently I’ve found my difficult child has got easier with each passing year, even in comparison to his easier little brother.

I have yet to do teenagers, but mine are both early primary school and in terms of physical, hands-on work, I think they've got easier every year. And I loved having babies and toddlers!

But now I almost invariably get a good night's sleep, I can let them get up in the morning without me, I can leave them in one room while I do something in another. They take themselves to the loo, brush their own teeth, (mainly) dress themselves. I took them to a shopping centre and we walked around in a (relatively!) civilised fashion, I didn't have to chase anyone or rush out of a shop because they couldn't stay still or wait.

I don't underestimate yhe emotional side, already we have had some school mini dramas where I do feel more helpless than when I had a 2yo whose problems I could solve with a cuddle.

But when you're asking from the position you are, I feel like you're asking when you will get a mental/physical break, and it won't be so chaotic - and in my experience that only gets better

@Liverpoolgirl50 ,thanks, but I'm nothing special parenting wise! I have been through what you describe though and it was relentless. However, it's also the time when you build the foundation of trust for your baby. They will never, until they are parents themselves, understand how gruelling and thankless it can be but they do learn who loves them from it and that will eventually be the thing that spreads the joy and closeness in your home.

We’ve got 7 and would say they generally start to get easier around 3, 4-11 quite a nice age and then once they’re grown up but always exceptions

I disagree with many posts. Parenting is hard but I found that once they were in primary school I re found myself. Mine are 12-16 and we hang out lots with minimal parenting. They tell me about their days and lives at school and listen to me (most of the time). Are they infuriating sometimes? Yes, but much easier to have a conversation and work things through. It’s still stressful - dd1 was way off her predicted gcse grades and that’s been stressful but we organised a tutor and we’ve been supporting her revision more.

when they’re older you can also make time for you and dh without feeling guilty. We’re going to London for the day and dd1 is babysitting. Not something we do a lot but occasional trips makes a difference.

i struggled with newborn dd1 stage and with dtds 2&3 I struggled with toddler stage tantrums. Challenges are still there but different. I now say things like “dd3, your skirt should be longer than your blazer…. If you get loved by a teacher that’s on you!” And similar.

Same here with our 8 year old, delightful, we’ve got 5 older ones so we know what might be coming so making the most of it! Our adult DC are also delightful too though

I think most of these posters have forgotten the stage the OP is at. Having to be constantly “on”, with a child who will run onto the road given half a chance.
It gets easier gradually. When they turn two they generally start speaking and it is easier as they can express themselves without needing to tantrum. Then they turn three, have lots of language and start to go to preschool if not already in nursery.
The only advice I would give is try not to rush them, they don’t go any faster but do get frustrated. If you need to move things along try to find a hook. So for example you say, “what is on that sign up there, let’s go nearer to see” etc