Be honest.. when does parenting get easier?

[Liverpoolgirl50]

I had PND for the first year so there is a definite fog around that, my DD had a cows milk allergy and reflux, and was a pretty poorly baby. It got a little easier after she turned 1 and started walking - I was actually beginning to really enjoy it all. She’s about to turn 20 months and BAM - tantrums.

Fall to the ground, won’t get up, won’t be held, screaming tantrums. In the middle of Tesco, usually, because I’m trying to hurry her along or won’t let her have something. I try and manage them as best I can - getting to her level, asking her to use her words to explain the problem, even good old distraction. It is works 9/10 times but god the whole process is exhausting.

Does this phase last a long time? She’s a fairly strong willed little girl and I’m doing my best, but for example, when will going out in public become enjoyable again and not an anxiety inducing activity? 😂

When they sleep better. Whatever age that is.

The first 4 months of my firsts life have been the easiest. They were great at sleeping as a baby, less so later.

Having two non sleeping children, including a toddler who woke 10+ tubes a night plus juggling work was probably the hardest.

Periods where they have slept have been far easier.

So having two generally tricky sleepers its been very up and down (4&7) because everything is trickyier on 4h sleep.

My children are adults now. But as a mum I worry more about them now than when they were younger. The world is harder for all of us to navigate.Have one in Canada and another in Australia…time difference is 20 hours!!

At age 4!. From another of a 3 and 5 year old.

They start to become good company again at 4 - at least that is what I thought

OP is talking about being in the trenches of younger children.. sleep deprivation, tantrums, teething, doing everything for them, carrying them everywhere etc
For both mine it was 3

Around 20 months to 2.5 was horrible for us. I will admit now that I used to dread my days off with DS. The mornings were fine but then the afternoons would drag on endlessly. He was very unpredictable around other children and would shove them out of the way, snatch toys, attack them and it felt never ending. I don’t know whether it was my imagination but I did feel a certain amount of judgement from friends too. He also would attack me if I had to physically remove him from somewhere so I sometimes felt our entire days were just constant conflict. Oh, and he always woke at 530 as well so they were LONG days.

Two and a half was a turning point as he got the concept of taking turns. His language improved too. As he approached three his language just exploded (he’d been following a fairly normal sort of trajectory but with fairly limited talking skills compared to many children.)

He is now 3.2 and while he can be hard work sometimes it is only sometimes, he sleeps later, while I do keep an eye on him in play environments it is just a cursory eye, he understands ‘that’s dangerous’ or ‘that will hurt.’ Some of my judgey friends have threenagers and while DS can be a bossy so and so it really isn’t anything like as hard as it was this time last year.

However. I had a baby when he was two and a half. So I have alllll this to come again with her 🤣

I found it easier around 2.5, and then a bit easier again around 3.5, and much easier once he was settled in school because they're so much more independent than nursery. Age 1-2.5 was by far the hardest for me, though that's probably partly because it was during Covid so had him at home a lot while working, and no external help at all. But also because toddlers are incredibly annoying 😂 Mine was quite late to talk though, nothing until 18 months and then only really single words until 2, so yours might be better quicker if more able to communicate. (He's now 5 and does not shut up, but does most things for himself and is generally very compliant and wants to be helpful. It's a marvel!)

I wouldn't take a 20 month old to the supermarket without a buggy. I remember I used to have a stash of hidden toys when I needed to distract, so I'd give him one of them and that would give me time to whizz round.

I didn't mind tantrums, in fact I found them quite funny. They were only stressful when I was trapped somewhere indoors in public - I would always try to take him outside. But generally, most people have had kids and remember what it's like.

Around 4. They can start to reason, can understand most rules and can do things by themselves leaving you with some downtime.

My kids aren’t teens yet but I can be certain it is only people with easy babies that say this

and why? The teen years are nearly two decades away for an OP that is struggling. What’s the point of mentioning it?

it’s very self centred.

yes I’m aware there’s a different type of worry when they are going out and you don’t known whether they are safe.

and based my second child maybe I’d say that later.

but with the first one sleep was very very tough for a long time and she was 3-4 before I started to have enough sleep in enough long stretches enough nights to begin to recover.

if a partying teen is the worst your sleep gets - when you may wake or stay awake to hear them come in safely but you can also sleep in or have a nap in the day and don’t have to get up with them at 5/6/7am is the most disrupted sleep you have then you are very lucky.

You do have to let children go their own way. I’m not sure if it’s different personalities , but I’ve never lain awake at night worrying about different outcomes that, while are possible, are highly unlikely.

Teens will go out, hopefully enjoy themselves and come back home. What’s the alternative? Would people honestly want their babies to take a pill to keep them as helpless babies forever?

Honestly I think you are still in the most difficult stage (0-2) you will see a remarkable difference age three. Yes they still have tantrums but they can communicate better and they are much better company. And yes you will worry about them more emotionally but the lack of sleep deprivation and freedom you have in the early years is just not comparable to that. Honestly don't listen to people who say it gets harder they have forgotten what it's like to have a one year old and they are minimising how hard it is to have under twos.

The primary school years.

I’ve found every stage easier than the last. Right now, I’m lying in bed knowing that DC2 is probably watching TV downstairs and DC1 will need to be dragged out of bed in a couple of hours. Yes, I have to deal with the occasional teen argument, but this is nothing like the intense, overwhelming, frankly exhausting parenting of a small child. Those who say it doesn’t get easier can’t have good memories! It’s so hard having to be present for every second of your child’s day.

I have 2 teens and I think from about 4 seemed easier. But I am very fortunate that my DC haven't had any SEN or health problems

And agree with pp once kids are more independent/at school it definitely is easier. I remember barely being able to go to the loo when DS was a toddler for fear of whet havoc he was going to create. And easier to take them out for a day when you know they won't run off or get lost, or have a tantrum in a cafe because a plate is not the right shape!

A friend once said 5-12 were the "goldilocks years" past toddlers but not yet teens. (To a certain extent I agree)

My teens have been ok so far ....🤞🤞

Come back to me when your children are older

Is youngest being 33 long enough to speak with experience 😃

Unless children have additional needs or health problems, or very rebellious teens I really don't understand the argument it never gets easier.

Parenting 0-3 is literally 24/7, especially when they stop napping. You can barely go to the toilet or make a drink without having to see/know what they are doing. Going out takes longer and has to be planned for - kids likely to run in the road, run in front of someone else or fall over etc.
Going for a walk means stopping to look at every twig, brick, ladybird with 100 questions. I miss the cute parts of those years but it's absolutely relentless, physically, mentally, emotionally and i absolutely wouldnt swap life with my teens.

I saw a mum on the train the other day with 2 young children maybe 4 and 6 , very well behaved but constantly chatting, asking questions, how many stops til x. It made me realise how much more patient I had to be when they were that age. Taking kids 8+ when they just read a book, do a puzzle or put headphones on is 100x easier!

@lpogdhur I think accusing someone of finding parenting hard due to lack of resilience is dickish.

With your tantrum scenario, I wouldn’t have bothered with talking. I would just have picked dd up and either put her in the pushchair/trolley or taken her home. I never negotiated. Tantrums usually meant they were tired.

My dc are older teens now. It gets easier but in my experience, theres always an element of worry.

I've been fixated on 6 and 4 as the promised land since our first was born. We're about six months out from that now and it turns out... I was right

I've found they continuously if not steadily got easier from birth (especially as first was a difficult baby). I think I just enjoy them more as their language develops and they can tell you their thoughts as well. And I even find three year old tantrums easier than two year old as you can reason with them a little more (maybe afterwards!).

As their understanding of the world increases you get more joy out of Christmas and birthdays and days out etc as well. And after 5 years we're free of naps and nappies and I'm loving the freedom that brings. We're just about buggy free too although I miss that as I have to carry all the crap now!

Seriously OP, just hang on in there. It's hard but you're getting there

Also - look at the women around you. I work FT as an academic and have a lot of female colleagues in the same boat as me with young DC. We're nearly all frazzled, under achieving at work, exhausted. The women in their late 40s and 50s? Fuck me those women are living their best life. Stylish, doing great things at work, they have hobbies! They even manage to look rested. Many of them thinner and fitter than when their DC were younger. Those women give me hope

Hardest for me was 0-18 months and 3-4 which was hell on earth.

I think I'm in the easiest period so far (9 yrs)

I do worry for the teenage years and all the angst that may come with it. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

No, I don't have a baby. I understand that you worry about children at all life stages, and obviously some ages will be harder than having a baby, or hard in a different and painful way. But saying it is all exactly as hard as having a baby seems ... TBH, as if you just want to make the OP feel rubbish. I can't believe it is true, unless you had spectacularly easy babies. Really, there wasn't any one moment in 18 years of childhood where you didn't feel it was easier?

I agree, TBH.

Mine are in their late teens and early twenties. I can confirm that it doesn't get easier, it just changes along the way.

I recommend reading or listening to ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Philippa Perry. I listened to it on Spotify and it was free as part of my membership. I found it made all the tough bits of parenting a young child much more manageable and less frustrating. It also gave me a lot of insight into how and why I was reacting to my child and how to respond more positively.