Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

Don't marry him or he will have a claim on your house too. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

That's fraud.

Are you still with him?

I wish I'd read this full thread before commenting.
He is a massive red flag OP. There is no way I would give this man any access to any part of my finances.
Individually some of his comments make sense to me but when you put them all together he sounds just dreadful and I can't see any redeeming features of him.
Please ignore all my advice about how me and DH do things, it works for us because we are a well suited couple who treat each other with respect.
Do you want to stay with him?

Do keep up with the thread dear. Somebody else already brought up the obligatory "what if the sexes were reversed" nonsense a few pages ago, and it's become even more inane since then.

Reversing the sexes here would mean a man singlehandedly doing nearly all household and childcare and paying the vast bulk of household expenses, with the woman doing fuck all for her shared infant and paying a token 500/month while blowing the rest of her income on a flashy new car and debts accumulated prior to the relationship. Oh and DARVOing her partner to boot. Yes I can definitely see the collective vipers cheering her on.

How fucking dare he.

So he thinks £500 covers all his own accommodation cost, share of utilities, share of council tax and share of food? He sounds simple if he really thinks he even covers his own cost. He doesn't you are subsidizing a cock lodger at the expense of your son. You and your ex pay for your son. You pay for your son with the cock lodger. If you threw him out you could find someone who shows you love and respect and doesn't want to steal your money and house. He on the other hand couldn't get a room in a shared house for £500 and that would not include food or child maintenance which he would have to pay to you for his baby. Raise your bar.

many couples do pool their salaries, yes. In your case however, I see lots of red flags;

1. the fact that he’s calling you greedy/selfish and coercing you into it, is concerning
2. the fact that he thinks that you should not have more left over after expenses, despite being a higher earner, doesn’t make sense. He is claiming a stake on your progress and hard work.
3. that he doesn’t feel that he should contribute to your household expenses, just because he’s not the owner? What if he was renting elsewhere?
4. he feels he should access to your sons maintenance money
5. he isn’t great with money / his values re Money are not aligned to yours but he does not@ see this.

personally, i would find it hard to respect his attitude. If you want to stay in a relationship with him or marry him, i would agree in advance that you each put money into a joint account, proportional to your income, to cover ALL expenses regarding the home, lifestyle and the child you share. Whatever you each have left over, is your own. If he has less but wants more, he should do more.

DH and I used to have a joint account when we first start dating. We were earning approximately the same but he earned slightly more than me. Eventually I decided that because I saved more and was less free with money, this was unfair as I was completely unable to save or set any financial goal for myself, because where I used to be careful with money and see the reward, now any money that I carefully spent randomly got spent by the other person and just disappeared. Which made me feel like the only way for me to make it fair was to overspend, just so that I got to spend as much money as he did and not get to save anything at all, which I absolutely hated and was a terrible idea and road to resentment. It felt like my frugality was being used against me.

So he suggested moving our salary payments back into our own separate accounts, and a joint account only for household expenses and rent that we both pay into, so that I get to see the money I save each month stay there, and not worry it will randomly disappear because he feels like wasting more than me on things I wouldn't want him to spend it on.

This works much better, we're married and money is not an issue. I also now way out earn him, even whilst I was on maternity leave. I pay for more things, but I don't have to feel that all my hard earned cash can disappear due to someone else's random whims on things I wouldn't spend on.

So let me get this straight.
He’s in debt.
He’s bad with money.
It’s your house.
You have a child from a previous relationship.
You pay more than 2/3 of the bills but he’s deluded himself that he’s paying for your older child.
He wants access to your salary.
He wants access to the maintenance money your child’s dad pays.
He is threatening to take your shared child away from their sibling so you have to pay him maintenance (I laughed at this - straight out of the abusive men’s text book).

I would be showing him the door, not signing up for a joint account.

When you have a joint account and all money is pooled then in the event of any split he would have a claim on your house. Why does he need access to the maintenance money and your salary when you are already paying the majority of the bills?

Yes when you have kids together then normally I would say finances should be pooled but there are red flags here that say this isn’t a joint relationship. You do all the lifting, funding and I’m not sure what he does. He’s already talking about a split and using your child so you have to give him money, I wouldn’t be pooling any finances until I was sure his debts were gone and that you aren’t going to be left vulnerable as it doesn’t sound like a secure relationship to me.

OP, I'd also make sure my Will is updated if I was you.

This man wouldn't have any issue taking from your child.

@RP1176 why did he have a child before he finished paying off all his frivolous debt?? is he still a spendthrift? my husband and i do not have joint accounts but I was always the one who paid the bills out of whichever account had the most money. if it was left to him we would never have managed to get anything. I dont feel he is stable to allow access to your money as he feels like it and would expect him to run out and buy the next thing he fancies without a thought! perhaps run the idea by him of all money going into one pot and only you having access to pay bills,holidays, cars etc. and just letting him know how much is left at the end of the month. you hand out the pocket money.

hahahahahahahahaha.

He can barely cope with holding the baby for a bit while you do other things.

I'm afraid, notwithstanding my hysterical laughter, this sort of comment from a man is a massive red flag. it means that he will say or do anything to control you and that he is confident that he has managed to manipulate you and mess with your thinking sufficiently that he might believe him.

spoiler - he won't even TRY to get that sort of custody and in the very unlikely event that he did, he would NOT succeed.

There 's always one. So you think that women should bear children, work fulltime, cook, clean and do all the housework and also hand all our money over to the freeloader who got us pregnant?

Think the OP has given up, shame really

Please, OP, the answer is NO. Trust your instinct. This is a bad idea. Don't let him make you feel guilty about it, either. I think you should also look up the signs of gaslighting. You have worked hard and are careful with money. He has made poor financial choices and has debt. The facts speak for themselves.

Is it possible for your elder child to live with his father & you pay maintenance to him? At least he'd have the money spent on him there rather than on your cocklodging partner.

Interesting

there are other very recent threads where the woman is the lower earner and the consensus is that her partner is being abusive by not having a joint account. Even splitting bill’s in proportion to earnings is unfair as he has more left over

i wonder why this thread comes to a different conclusion?

Or she could ltb

My god what am I after reading 😮😮

This! 100%!

What kind of bastard? A really stupid one!
At the same time as asking you to pool your (superior debt free) credit rating and finances with him - he utters hideous threats like that. The person who does sod all around the house and little if any childcare/parenting - wants to have take your new baby away from you for 5 days a week so you have to pay him maintenance.
I can imagine the panic a threat like that would cause any new mother.

Plus
He says he should be paying less for bills anyway because he doesn’t use much gas or electric for example because he showers while me and the kids have a bath every day

So he's an expert in gas/electric/water usage and pricing and has done his sums carefully? Presumably the water heater uses either gas or electricity but not both? No wonder he's got problems with his money management.

What he's saying is that it's only fair that he's only liable for 25% of the utility bills because you should be footing the bill for yourself, your son, and HIS child. And its also somehow unfair because he reckons that the three of you in the bath are using more water than he does in the shower. He's gone into that level of detail?
He doesn't see you as a family unit. He doesn't see himself as financial responsible for anyone except himself. He wants to pool your finances because he wants your higher earnings and if the boot was on the other foot he certainly would not be sharing with you OP.
He already begrudges every penny spent on the two children - even down to their bath water which he resents contributing to.
That's a heck of a marriage proposal.

Wow. Reading your post there are so many red flags here. Finances work differently for all couples but he's wanting you to do something you obviously don't want to do. Calling you greedy and living a luxury lifestyle when you clearly do the opposite and making you feel bad when he doesn't have a leg to stand on here. I'm sorry if you were a friend of mine I would tell you to dump him but reading you also have a child with him I can imagine this makes it difficult. Please do no let him force / manipulate you to open a joint account- it will 100% be the wrong thing to do. Him paying £500 whilst you pay £1100 - not thinking he should contribute to bills as his name isn't on the mortgage- rarely paying for things you do together or as a family- can I ask why you are with him? I can't see how you are benefitting at all from this relationship? My heart actually breaks for you.

please read all of OPs posts. you are so off the mark you might as well be on Jupiter.

this thread comes to a different conclusion because the partner in question is a financially and emotionally abusive prick. read the posts.

True! They all threaten this and they'll get their arse handed to them in court and they slink away to their next victim. Men like this never want responsibility for anything.

So let’s get this straight.

this man pays £500 for household expenses.
refuses to contribute equally to bills cos it’s your house! But he’s fine about living in your house and using the water/electricity/gas etc.
Doesn't take care of any children not his own not yours. But reckons he’ll go for main carer for your joint child should you split up, so you have to pay him maintenance!
Does no housework.
Wants access to your money, and a joint account enabling him to put you into debt should he choose. Because his workmates told him that’s what they do apparently.
Is in a lot of debt.

i can see why he went after you, for £500 a month he’s got it made.

what do you get out of being with him?

This thread "comes to a different conclusion" on account of the facts @Britpop123 . You could read the thread and learn about them.

To all those claiming this isn't an obvious sign of the hypocrisy of MN, please just read the OP's first two posts and the replies she received to them. The drip feed of further information does change the story, however, the hyprocrisy of the majority of MN readers and contributors is very much in evidence. Men's money should be shared, women's should not.

I am a woman who has always supported herself and would never have it any other way. I disagree with family money but this works both ways and not just when the woman is the higher earner.