Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

He deceived you.
It's much better for your dcs if they don't live in an abusive environment.

They always threaten to take the kids. It's a lie, they just want to keep you in line. These men are too selfish to be the main caregiver.

Tell him it's not happening, any of it and if he doesn't like it he can leave. He will get nasty but be prepared for it.

You don't have a future with this specimen. I'm sorry man.

Haven't read all the responses, but I'm shocked how many people says don't join accounts. So you are ok to share generics (I.e having a kid) but not willing to share money? You live together and have a child- is it really important who makes a £1000 more?
For me, that is why marrige important- gives you much better financial security.
Also, if he is bad with money, why don't you calculate how much you both need for a month and the rest would go for saving account -for holidays, emergency etc.

I was also bad with money- with my own money but since I've got married and share bank account I am extreamly careful and way more strict now with our finances.

The key is communication: both should have an "allowance" for night outs, clothes etc but always talk about what you buy and how much it will cost.

I guess couples just don't communicate anymore and live separate life's while sharing children.

@Pumpkinpie0201 you need to read the OPs posts at least.

If he was willing to compromise, as you were, sharing accounts may well work. Sadly he wants to pay less than his own keep, do no chores, get the bedroom to himself and is trying for access to OPs money while running up extravagant debts. All while calling her greedy.

I guess not reading the thread hasn't helped you understand things, @Pumpkinpie0201.

This partner wants the OP to put her child support into the mix. He doesn't think that money should be used for the OP's other DC.

He pays £500 for absolutely everything and wants more, even though he has £1,200 to himself.

He's terrible with money and has debts. He wants her money to pay the debts.

He says she spends a lot - she says she doesn't, but in any case I doubt she spends £1,200 per month on herself, like he does.

He does no childcare or housework. He's clearly a cocklodger.

Why on earth would the OP share bank accounts with him? In fact she's offered a joint account for their bills - that's not good enough for him. He wants access to all her money.

I promise you no stepchild ever ever wants to stay with a lazy, abusive, neglectful, step-parent like the one you're with.

You are the stability in their lives, not him, not the house you live in, or anything else like that.

Only you.

Your older son will adjust far better and easier than you think he will and the youngest won't even remember at all. Your older son will be proud of you for saying, hey I made a mistake with this guy and I'm fixing it because I'm protecting you and your baby brother.

My own daughter was in a situation like this some years back. She had two babies with an abusive cock lodger and had an older teen son and now those kids are 23, 12, and 10 years old and they haven't seen the jerk in years and they are happy and thriving!

@MILTOBE If that's how people see their partner, why are they with them? Clearly have bigger issues than the shared account.
Relationships and marrige are very hard work. You can just keep your finances separate so that will fix things.
You either in or you out - in my opinion.

Op i hear you

Been there

Do not bow down to this man

Leave
It gets easier I promise xxxxx

OP, Mum guilt is real, we all feel it for a million different reasons. If you stay, you'll feel guilty for all the money you spent on this man child rather than on your own children.

I get your reluctance and I'm team RP1176 all they way. Please, put yourself and your children first, fuck what anyone else might think. You are the stability, you are the family they need.

Just as a thought experiment @RP1176 run the numbers - any pre marriage equity you have in the house is ring fenced, any debt he brings in is ring fenced - all income including child maintenance for your older child goes into one account but then all family outgoings(mortgage, council tax, bills, food, nursery, children’s clothes, savings for holidays and Christmas) all goes out. What is left is split equally for personal spends which includes servicing his debt. How much would he get for himself if you were truly operating as a family unit? I would wager it’s less than £1.2k
I would not suggest you actually do this because with joint access to the money and an irresponsible spending pattern you’d be left without funds, but it might show him that he’s on a bloody good deal right now. Don’t marry him and don’t combine finances, is my advice.

Keep your own account OP - a joint account would be mad.

Can I ask what he brings to your life? To your children's lives? Does he make you happy? Are you pleased when he comes home from work?

He doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

@Pumpkinpie0201 it's great that marriage sorted your own financial issues and overspending out but that's not what is going on here.

Also what works for 1 family isn't what works for another it's got nothing to do with opting in or opting out of a relationship!
I am very much in with my marriage, but we have separate financial accounts along with joint finances. It's what works for us and keeps the harmony there is no stress and all joint costs shared on a ratio basis. Nobody loses out we each have the same ratio of our salaries left to spend as we wish. I don't expect my DH salary to pay for my spa day nor does my DH expect my salary to pay for his sporting equipment!

In this case the OPs partner lives in their overdraft despite having 2/3 of their salary available to them. It would be frankly stupid financial management to give him access to further money when he argues about paying £500 a month for all his expenses, does nothing around a house and thinks he should pay less towards bills because he has a shower......

Evidence shows that a degree of adverse events or challenges help to build resilience that stands children in good stead for adult life. However, that ability to withstand adverse events comes with a limit. Constant exposure to adverse events, instability, feelings of lack of psychological/emotional/physical safety and, very importantly, the cumulative effects of prolonged or multiple adverse events and risk factors does the opposite and can be very damaging.

Kicking your "D"P out and being a single parent is one event. Staying with an abusive partner is a prolonged continuous event where other risk factors for vulnerability and poor outcomes will come into effect and will affect your children.

I hate how he is treating you and especially that he has chosen to behave like this when you are so vulnerable.

He is of course using the Dastardly-partner-playbook:
-Abusers often start (emotional/financial/physical) abuse around the time that their partner gets pregnant. (tick)
-They make threats about taking the children away (tick)
-They accuse their partner of being what they are themselves (mean - unfeeling- abusive) (tick)

There are more entries for this tick-list but you get the picture.

Your son needs you to rescue him from a life with a man who has revealed himself to be an abuser. Disruption that takes you away from someone who really does not love you and resents even the cost of your bathwater is good disruption.

Your baby will be better learning about life and how to live it from you than from your DP.

OP you may be experiencing shame or embarrassment in admitting that you were deceived by this man.

There is no shame to be carried by you in this. Hold your head high and tell yourself that you are protecting your children by removing the risk of financial ruin from their lives.

If he is irresponsible with money DO NOT get a joint account with him. And DO NOT marry him.

If he complains that this means you're not committed to him you can say Damn right I'm not because I can't trust you with joint finances.

If you won't keep this boundary for yourself, keep it for your kids.

Put the ball back in his court. Tell him to sell his fancy car and get one in similar value to yours, then use that money to pay off his debts. Tell him that when he's done that you'll consider joining accounts (don't actually do this, obviously).

He is not only financially abusing you, but also emotionally.

He can’t sell the car because he doesn’t own it. It’s on one of those PCP finance deals. He could give it back but I am guessing he would have to pay a large fee to do so. I am not sure of the ins and outs of it because as I said he bought it on his own without any input from me. I have only ever bought second hand cars which I have saved up to buy outright so I’ve never had a car loan like that and I’m not sure how it works.

So he lives in your house and pays only £500 into the pot even though 1 of the kids is his? He's got it made hasn't he?

Where else could he live for £500 and keep the rest of his salary himself?

I have realised after all the bills etc I only actually have £200 more than him per month. But I’ve been paying for a lot more of our “extra” expenses such as meals out etc. thinking I was earning loads more so I should be paying more. He is now saying because he gives me £500 a month that makes my income £3000 while his is £1200 (after deducting the £500 he gives me) therefore saying my income is nearly 3x his. But he cannot understand or comprehend that I pay £1600 a month for all our household bills and food shopping therefore my leftover is £1400. Then I pay far more than him. for other stuff we do as a family.

Write all calculations on paper for him if you have to:

I have written it all down for him. And this was his response:

“This is the last I'm speaking of it. I give you what I can afford. If I'm not paying enough I'm not your man”

If he had to move out, live independently and pay child maintenance, he'd soon find out he could afford more. I don't know many adults who live for £500 per month including their contribution to their child and get the rest of their salary to spend as they like.

This is the last I'm speaking of it. I give you what I can afford. If I'm not paying enough I'm not your man”

Kick him the fuck out.

OP you've had all the advice here. he isn't going to change. he doesn't even want to engage. nothing we say will help you unless you help yourself and boot him out.