Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

actually maybe you should read the first two posts again. she clearly talks about how her partner is bad with money, has debts and she does all the housework. she also mentions how apart from 500 quid he does not contribute ANYTHING else to the household or children's costs.

Of course you are.

I disagree @Hatenewyear . Plenty of couples have the arrangement that these 2 have which is both pay some into a joint account for bills and keep some (in proportion to earnings). OP pays a lot of the household expenses herself out of her remaining money.

She is being told by her partner that he wants access to all her money for himself when he cannot manage money and is in overdraft.

Do you believe OP is abusing her partner with the current arrangement they have?

Yes, like many women who expect their partners/husbands to support them.

Am I really a big burly builder going by the name of Bob, just because I have a differing opinions to you that you can't understand?

@GatherlyGal no I don't believe she's abusing him at all. I disagree with shared finances from both sides of the fence.

OP there are some men who see a woman as a resource, not a person. He feels entitled to live in your house, have you do all domestic chores and look after his child. He is bewildered by being 'put out' having to share with your son because he doesn't feel he should have to contribute- that's what you are there for.

I suspect he genuinely does consider that you are being greedy and selfish by not sharing your money because he thinks he is entitled to ALL of it. He would scrutinise every penny you spent because again, he thinks that money is his.

This kind of financial abuse is a form of modern slavery. You are fortunate to be in a position to kick him out. I would suggest you do so rather than fall into this clumsy trap he is setting for you.

@OhamIreally - are you actually for real? If you posted this on a thread about a woman wanting her man to support her (and there are many) you would be torn to shreds.

Alarm bells are ringing here.... absolutely not
Keep your bank accounts separate!!!
I suggest that you keep him far away from your finances if you don't want to end up homeless and in debt!

I am for real. You are outraged about what would be a false equivalence.

If this exact situation were reversed then I would definitely recommend the man get rid forthwith.

It's impossible that this situation could be reversed as it's impossible for a man to give birth and breastfeed in addition to providing food and lodging and housekeeping services.

Come on! Most people can see this situation for what it is and other situations for what they are.
There's no denying that women are more vulnerable than men and many domestic situations allow men to take advantage of women and some, to abuse women.
When women have children and get barely any support, their vulnerability increases.

Yes, it can happen the other way around but that is not so common.

@OhamIreally you have completely lost all credibility and not just for your use of the word forthwith.

with the difference that SAHMs do the lions share of household tasks and parenting. and they dont usually take out loans they can't afford to to buy flashy cars, sound systems and other luxuries.

if this man was doing household tasks and parenting and didnt have bad debts and even worse financial sense, I would encourage OP to form a joint account.

I am the furthest from a MRA. I am actually a feminist who believes women are stronger and more independent than men and therefore shouldn't rely on a man's income. The whole point of my posts that you seem to have completely missed!

I know what forthwith means, thanks for mansplaining me. I just don't think pompous language is necessary.

It's a big nope from me!

I've been married 8 years and we don't put both salaries into 1 account. We have a joint account for bills and put our percentage in (I put 65% DH is 35% and we have 2 DCs)

The big red flag for me is that he thinks £500 is too much for bills and his excuses are pathetic!

In your shoes I would simply state we will get a joint account for bills and each put our share. If you don't like that then you know where the door is! No court would award him 5 days a week with a baby just so you can pay him maintenance either! Courts award what is in the interest of a child!

And don't worry no court will give a breastfed baby whose mum is on maternity leave to it's dad 5/7 days. See if you can record his comment about you having to pay maintenance... that will go down well in court!

@RP1176 I'm so sorry but it's clear you are in an abusive relationship here. And being on maternity probably not yet at the stage where you're willing to think about what need to do to get out of it. I hope this thread provides some insight and starts building the strength you'll need to leave safely.

I was prepared to argue in support of your P but the more I've read, the more concerned I've become. You're the primary earner, you're paying more than twice as much as him to living expenses, you're doing all the housework and childcare, you have a significantly older car and he's trying to be king of the castle in your home (as he's terming it) by making you, your DS and new baby share one room while he has the other to himself. Yet despite all this, and the fact he's allowed to retain a huge amount of his own income to service debts he acquired before the relationship (note the double standard regarding your child from a previous relationship) and can afford a flash car, he's somehow managed to convince you that he's the disadvantaged one! He's also threatened you (because that's what it is) that he'll take your baby so you have to pay maintenance. This is abusive.

I know the thought of leaving is terrifying and I would not advise you to do it without a good plan and some safeguarding in place, but honestly you'll be so much better off. It's your house! He's costing you more than he's contributing. You're not in any way remotely reliant on him practically because he doesn't actually do anything! Life will be easier without.

The idea he can take your child is ridiculous. Courts start at 50/50 but generally prefer the status quo. Whoever is the primary carer in the relationship tends to remain so post separation. As you are already primary carer for another child and your P does bugger all, I'd expect you to end up primary carer with P given EOW and a weekday night. If it went to court. IME he'll threaten it repeatedly but never actually contest anything (although neither will any maintenance be forthcoming).

Do you have friends or family you can talk to who can support you patiently while you work through this and hopefully arrive at the decision to leave?

I'm sorry but I'd be running a mile from marrying this man, living with him or sharing finances in any way. His attitude sucks on almost every level. I'm failing to see any redeeming feature whatsoever.
You need to read the riot act, send him packing and not entertain any of this crap.

Oh gosh OP you really caught a bad one didn’t you ? This man is a walking red flag and before reading you guys have a kid together I was gonna suggest you walked out of this relationship as fast as you can . But I get it. With a kid is harder .
i would say tho protect yourself and your children as much as you can financially and emotionally . This guy is not good . He is trying to lure you into giving him your money . I don’t know obviously why you decided to build a family with someone like him cause we don’t know you personally but so far you have described a concerning situation .

My reluctance to end the relationship is because I feel guilty about the damage I will have caused to 2 innocent children. My poor son has had so much disruption in his short life and I feel awful and heartbroken for him. Plus the baby who will now have the same thing. It’s all my fault as I chose to have a baby with this man. Although he was never like this before I got pregnant. He got much worse since baby was born.

I guess your choice OP is do I want a good happy peaceful life with my kids (without him) or do I want to stay with this money grabbing tight fisted arsehole. I know that sounds harsh but this is what you are dealing with.

Classically abuse starts or escalates once you have a baby. They think they’ve got you trapped, like you feel you are. It would cause more damage to those children to be brought up in a relationship where they think it’s appropriate to treat a partner the way he is treating you.

OP I understand why you feel this way. but if anything, the kids are one of the most important reasons to leave this man. he will make their lives miserable. and don't for a minute think that your son doesn't pick up on your partners lack of care for him.
and if you stay with him for long enough, he will take every penny and leave you without a roof over your and the childrens' head. this is not your fault. but if you turn a blind eye and don't take action now, in a few years time it will be so much worse.

Dont beat yourself up. I think people tend to show their true colours when they think they have you cornered and trapped.

Honestly, the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.

Also, don't end it unless your 100% going to follow through. That just leads to a whole different cycle of nonsense. Trust me when you end it the emotional manipulation will really begin so you need to be resolute and unwavering.