Husbands ex wife is a control freak

[HHN]

So my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship when he split with his ex wife she stopped him from seeing his daughter. He took her to court and set up a contact agreement she broke this after about 6 weeks. This was 5 year ago absolutely cut all contact with my husband and he’s never seen his daughter since. Two weeks ago he received a text from her asking if they could meet up and have a chat! He’s reluctant as she’s a liar she tried to make out he was on drugs and abusive at court. He done everything to prove her wrong including drug tests. She just done and said all this to purely hurt him. She doesn’t stick to agreements and just loves to cause trouble. Despite this I’ve tried to persuade him to reply to the text but he’s just out right refusing he thinks she’s just trying to cause trouble as she used to. But I can’t help but think maybe his daughter has asked about him and wants to get to know him even though I’ve told him this is still doesn’t want to reply to the text. Should I just leave it now or try again to persuade him? I don’t want to get too involved but also don’t want him to regret not replying.

I have just read through all the replies and wow. The level of nastiness toward OP is uncalled for.
'I am beginning to understand your sisters actions?' What a horrible thing to say....
@HHN in your situation I would let him guide. If he seems keen I would do everything by the book... email etc... so you can get a trail. Maybe get some advice. Maybe the daughter hitting her teens has sharpened her mind!
In light of what has happened I wouldn't want you blamed if it goes wrong or she shuts off contact again.
Maybe he could reply ' am happy for you to give dd my number.' At 12 how much does she need to control.
Ignore the opinionated. They bring baggage. And it shows!

It‘s really not. Stalking is an incredibly serious offence and this comparison is wrong and insulting. Looking at someone‘s other public threads is about getting a fuller, truer picture.

No for some of us we remember user names and conversations, I certainly do, I have a photographic memory

So for me if I mentioned a previous thread it's more like having a conversation with someone you bump into one week and then remembering that conversation the following week. That's hardly stalking, what an odd comparison

You are wrong. And inappropriate.

My controlling ex used the family court system to continue to abuse me, so I am no stranger to the stresses of the process. For my DC's sake I carried on. I can't imagine a situation in which I would have just given up.

@C0untDucku1a what makes you think that? Google cyberstalking.

Anyway, I really don't want to derail the thread but people need to stop being so vitriolic.

@Doyoumind I understand but there are circumstances where the whole system appears to be against you and no matter what you do, it's wrong. Some people can't cope with that. It's not easy having numerous professionals accusing you of things you haven't done. I'm not saying that's the case here, we don't know what happened but some people don't have the strength for that sort of thing.

You’ll have to think yourself lucky you didn’t have to give up

It’s people with too much time on their hands. They’re probably also the people who use their children against people. It’s so wrong.

This OP. This.

I know it must be hard to hear but everything you think you know about the ex has come from your DH. And so much of what you are saying he has said is implausible.

Sorry for what you have been through @StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips

@HHN Hope you're ok. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

You would be guessing wrong. I'm married to the father of my children. No abandoned kids or deadbeat fathers in sight.

I'm not a troll. You are just far too immature to consider opposing opinions and you're overly invested in your silly narrative that the mother of this child is a control freak, rather than accepting what's staring you in the face and making grown up decisions.

Like I said, poor kids.

THIS 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 no matter what it’s never good enough

Well maybe you’re wrong? You also don’t have much experience in this sort of situation but a lot to say don’t you? Scroll on instead of kicking people when they’re down. I bet your raising some lovely children

@HHN it's a horrendous system if you end up on the wrong side of it. It takes one professional to take a dislike to you and they all follow suit. Can't seem to see past the nuances of each situation and a lot of the time, don't work on evidence, just their 'professional opinion'.

I felt like giving up many times but my husband is stubborn and headstrong and was determined to continue. If it had been me making the decision, I'm not sure I would have continued.

This is exactly what I mean. You are behaving like a 13 year old. You're insinuating that my children are horrible now because you don't like my opinion? It's just so juvenile.

You don't know what experience I have. All you know is exactly what I've told you, which is that I'm married to my kids' dad. We actually did have a situation in our very close family where a child's mother was withholding contact. The difference was, the child's dad did not give up because he's a good dad. It took a very long time and lots of sacrifices to get to the other side.

You aren't "down". You are the architect of your own misfortune. The ones who deserve all of the sympathy are the kids, and quite probably the mother of his eldest too.

I never said your children are horrible. And maybe your acting like a 13 year old arguing on the internet over a situation you no very little about with very little experience. Move on if you don’t like what you see you don’t have to join in do you. What is the point in coming on a post if your not going to answer the original question anyway your just here for the argument I’m only really interested in peoples opinion who have been through this or have some sort of experience not just some random know it all

Sorry @ChihuahuaMummy you would potentially have given up on seeing your own child/children? That is truly awful. Your husband wasn’t “stubborn” or “headstrong” he did what any decent parent would do. A man who wouldn’t do that isn’t worth being with.

Yes the system can be difficult and sometimes professionals get it wrong, but when people say “I would do anything for my child” at an absolute minimum that ought to include challenging poor professionals and fighting to see their child and be an equal parent if that is necessary.

But from your own posts you have suggested he overcame any unfair accusations because he was granted contact. He then didn’t bother enforcing it when the Court granted it. That is the easiest bit of proceedings and if his ex really had stopped contact continuing he could even have gained custody.

I’m sorry OP, this just doesn’t add up. I feel bad for you. I think you have been taken for a ride and I really hope it doesn’t come back to haunt you. Best of luck.

@IdealisticCynic It's not that easy though. If I was the NRP and I had every professional under the sun telling me that I was a rubbish parent and everyone trying to get my contact stopped; then in all honesty, I don't think my mental health could deal with that.

It's not really fair to tell someone they are useless or a bad parent if they genuinely can't cope with the system. When parents get that low, they start thinking the child will be better off without them anyway, as that is what everyone seems to be telling them.

It absolutely is that easy @ChihuahuaMummy.The only thing I don’t think my mental health could recover from is not being able to parent my child. And I’d never forgive myself for not trying everything I could to be with them. I imagine a lot of (decent) parents would say the same, of whom it sounds like your DH might be one. As I say, anyone who would walk away from their child isn’t someone worth being with.

Have you ever suffered with depression? I'm not talking just feeling down but actual proper depression?