Husbands ex wife is a control freak

[HHN]

So my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship when he split with his ex wife she stopped him from seeing his daughter. He took her to court and set up a contact agreement she broke this after about 6 weeks. This was 5 year ago absolutely cut all contact with my husband and he’s never seen his daughter since. Two weeks ago he received a text from her asking if they could meet up and have a chat! He’s reluctant as she’s a liar she tried to make out he was on drugs and abusive at court. He done everything to prove her wrong including drug tests. She just done and said all this to purely hurt him. She doesn’t stick to agreements and just loves to cause trouble. Despite this I’ve tried to persuade him to reply to the text but he’s just out right refusing he thinks she’s just trying to cause trouble as she used to. But I can’t help but think maybe his daughter has asked about him and wants to get to know him even though I’ve told him this is still doesn’t want to reply to the text. Should I just leave it now or try again to persuade him? I don’t want to get too involved but also don’t want him to regret not replying.

You clearly know it all too off all that experience you have 😂

I think unless you’ve been at the mercy of someone who will go out of their way to cause you pain and anguish and basically, attempt to destroy your life then it is easy to say “you should do X”.
He is no doubt shutting it out because it’s understandably extremely fucking painful to be at the mercy of a psychopath. Which is what you’ve got to be to utilise your children in that way.

Parental alienation is real and the parent on the receiving end shouldn’t be automatically vilified for being scared of going down that route again.

Just support him and encourage him to get in touch without actually pressuring him to do it. He’ll probably come around in time

My ex husband had a psycho ex who never allowed him to see their 2 kids, he paid the legal minimum each month, and told me all these awful stories about her withholding the kids and what it did to his mental health etc.

I fell for every single word, and would have defended him as well.

However we had 4 kids, split up, he remarried, and now I'm the psycho ex withholding his children apparently. He hasn't seen them in 6 or 7 years.

Be careful op.

Thankyou for this 💕

How long have you been with him are your sure his story is true?

Good luck to you OP

I hope you manage not to alienate all the people in your life as you desperately cling to this narrative that your husband is the victim of one of those Nasty Women.

At this point, the person whose account is most like to hear is probably your sister’s. I’m going to bet it’s enlightening.

I am a step mum and a second wife who has supported my DH through the court process. I know what he had to go through. His ex moved away and told the children’s nursery and schools that he wasn’t allowed to see them. All untrue. Made up allegations and then withdrew them.

It took six months for the first court hearing and before the final hearing she would only agree to a contact centre. There was no reason for this and it was not court ordered. DH did whatever he could and went back and forth to court and enforced whenever she breached. It took 5-6 years to get to a point where things are settled and we have the children half the holidays, mid week and every other weekend.

So I DO know how hard it can be. But I know DH would not have given up on his children. He self represented as well so the costs weren’t too bad.

I am also a mum to 3 dc with my Ex H and I have never prevented him seeing them.

I think your DH should do whatever it takes to see his child.

I think I'm beginning to understand your sister's actions.

@Janieforever was right, context is everything with this poster.

I'm out.

Ultimately the only victim here is the daughter.

if the mother has stopped contact then there is no question that she is a shit parent.

Equally if the dh hasn’t bothered to pursue contact with his daughter, he is a shit parent.

Not only that, he doesn’t bother with the additional three children he fathered, so that makes him four times the shit parent because all of his children have a shit father.
And OP knows what a shit parent he is. She know because she has posted previous threads to that effect.

100% true I’ve seen the court agreement, solicitor papers & letters. There’s no way he could make it up.

What nasty women sorry?

Thankgoodness your going 😴😴 nothing useful to say don’t bother next time

😂😂😂

Exactly. As if this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time. Courts have heard it all. Sounds like he just didn't bother.

Bottom line OP - your husband has done nothing to maintain contact with his child for 5 years. 5 years.

Obviously you will need to justify that as he is the father of your children and you need to believe he would move heaven and earth if you were to separate even if his behaviour as a father now causes doubt that this would actually be the case and you fear he would abandon them too.

So you have to believe that the ex is evil and it's all her fault. Even though there has been no contact for 5 years and evidence that she is controlling is old and provided by DH when evidence of your husband's deficiencies as a parent are current and evidenced by your own experience.

I can see your dilemma. If he cares about his children (he would have acted differently) but he would jump at the chance now. If he doesn't, you know he doesn't care about this child or any other children. So you need reasons why he doesn't do the normal thing. You want to cling to the old narrative but the daughter is older now and you can't keep claiming that your husband refuses contact with her because of her mother. The prediction of having to return to court every couple of months (and hence being unaffordable) is meaningless because the child is old enough to choose whether they want to see their dad.

If he chooses not to see an older child, it is his choice. Sometimes choosing to do nothing (ignore the email) is making a very big choice.

Like you said, it's his choice but I bet you are watching because it's a big indication of who he is as a father (and itching to intervene because you don't want to see who he really is).

I'm going to play devils advocate and look at it from the fathers side. I've been through the court system multiple times with my husband regarding his son and it's draining. Not to mention (in our experience) the cards being stacked up against men in terms of seeing their kids. Court cases can easily wear you into the ground, we don't know all the details of what happened in these cases. Sometimes people just simply don't have the mental energy to keep fighting this sort of thing. There were many times when I was tired and asked my husband if it was worth it.

Saying all the above though, I have no idea of the entire situation but I don't think it's fair to assume it's just because he can't be bothered.

Also OP, I have 10 years of experience with an ex like what you describe so I can completely relate to how it makes you feel.

But OP's claim is he couldn't afford it. And that he is a good dad as he paid maintenance anyway. Even if he was affected by it, in the following 5 years he hasn't recovered enough to re-establish contact?

The OP has experience of 5 years of silence and no contact from the husband's ex. In the meantime he has done nothing to facilitate contact with his child.

This would be very unusual behaviour from a control freak ex. Using the child as a weapon. This usually implies that the ex is using the child to control their former partner to maintain a relationship. But the ex's behaviour would imply that she were trying to exert control over contact (contact centre etc) because of concerns over parenting. And that recent contact was about parenting issues such as the child requesting contact rather than a wish to play head games and win him back.

So is the husband refusing a request from his daughter for contact but dressing it up?

Daughter requested contact.

OPs DH can not be arsed.

OPs ex is therefore controlling 🙄

🙄🙄

With controlling people though, the power is in the fact that they 'won' so the control is in the fact that father does not have contact. I'm not saying this is the case though as it's impossible to know without all the details but the whole purpose of people like what the OP describes is to have sole possession and control over the child.

@Doyoumind The OP went on to state that it took a toll on his mental health. Thing is, we don't know all the ins and outs. I do know the toll the family court system can have on a person though.

God the poor kids in the middle of all this. OP is clearly extremely immature, relishing the arguments on here with what she appears to think are snappy comebacks, and posting stupid emojis. Her husband is a deadbeat who keeps getting people pregnant but can't be arsed to be a dad. No idea about the ex but would venture a guess that she's the most reasonable one of the bunch and is quite rightly protecting her child from this shit show.