Husbands ex wife is a control freak

[HHN]

So my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship when he split with his ex wife she stopped him from seeing his daughter. He took her to court and set up a contact agreement she broke this after about 6 weeks. This was 5 year ago absolutely cut all contact with my husband and he’s never seen his daughter since. Two weeks ago he received a text from her asking if they could meet up and have a chat! He’s reluctant as she’s a liar she tried to make out he was on drugs and abusive at court. He done everything to prove her wrong including drug tests. She just done and said all this to purely hurt him. She doesn’t stick to agreements and just loves to cause trouble. Despite this I’ve tried to persuade him to reply to the text but he’s just out right refusing he thinks she’s just trying to cause trouble as she used to. But I can’t help but think maybe his daughter has asked about him and wants to get to know him even though I’ve told him this is still doesn’t want to reply to the text. Should I just leave it now or try again to persuade him? I don’t want to get too involved but also don’t want him to regret not replying.

He could provide a lot more if he had access and the court agreement was followed. She’s got a nice little savings account just like our other children for when she is old enough. She’s never been left out or unwanted here it’s more the fact she’s been stopped from seeing half of her family I have no doubt when she is old enough she will want and will always be wanted as part of our family and her mam will have no say over it

Ultimately though whether the ex wife is a horrible person is kind of irrelevant here.

The OP wanted to know whether she should encourage her husband to get back in touch with his ex and re-kindle a relationship with his daughter.

She has become so defensive because posters here have told her over and over and over again that he is a shit father. She knows he’s a shit father because he is equally disinterested in her own children. So if people tell her to not encourage him to get back in touch with the ex then that validates the hope that maybe he’s in the right after all, maybe he’s a good father and has just been worn down by circumstance.

Except that people haven’t told her that, and moreover, they have pointed out that she herself has complained that he’s not interested in his children.

OP doesn’t want to hear that. Because to hear it means she has to admit it.

I agree it’s absolutely irrelevant. If you would like to join in on other threads comment away however this thread isn’t about whether he’s a shit dad or if you agree with how much he pays each month. I was asking what people would do in my situation leave him to do as he pleases or try and make him see sense that’s all. Simple question that’s been avoided by most people commenting that tells me your either exactly like his ex wife or you just have absolutely no experience and jumped on the bandwagon to give your opinion on something you wernt asked about. How many times do people need to copy off others post and say he’s a shit dad if someone’s already commented that and you’ve got nothing new to contribute then scroll passed

Wouldn't you get defensive if someone said that about your husband? It's a perfectly normal reaction to have. We don't know the ins and outs or even how it got to this point so it's not our place to be so judgmental.

If you put details about your life on social media and invite comments then you are going to get judgement, that's part and parcel of social media

The OP seems to want to control the direction of the thread, that's not how it works in real life unfortunately

If they don't like the direction the thread is going in they can just disengage. The constantly combative posts are not helping that

I think perhaps some people should consider whether social media is actually the right place for them to be posting as it can be a very unhealthy place to be if you aren't used to going with the flow and accepting others opinions or letting them wash over you. It doesn't suit everyone

If you post a thread on a public forum saying that your husband hasn’t bothered to see his child in five years and still doesn’t want to bother, against a backdrop of a posting history where you yourself are unhappy that your husband doesn’t bother with your own children, then it is inevitable that people are going to comment on the kind of father he clearly is, or isn’t.

The answer to should the husband get back in touch with his daughter is yes without a doubt. But the lack of contact provokes a wider discussion, and if you’re going to open that discussion on a public forum then you don’t have any control over where that goes.

This seems to be rather at odds with your original claim he couldn't afford to continue to fight his ex in the court (which we of course established was bollocks as he could self represent and do it almost for free). He just doesn't want to see his DD. That was also established in your first post. Stop defending him.

He spent thousands on trying to see his daughter. Where do you draw the line. If he still seen her now he’d still be spending thousands on court and solicitors because his ex thinks their daughter is her property. They used to have a local drop off and pick up point when ever the ex dropped her daughter off she used to follow behind my husbands car she even followed him into a soft play once actually tried to pay herself in he had pre booked for the session and it was fully booked so she wasn’t able to enter but I’ve literally never witnessed anything so controlling like go home and enjoy the break and let your daughter enjoy time with her dads family

The family court system is far from perfect but, as someone with a fair bit of experience of it, I just don't agree that they wouldn't eventually have intervened more robustly had he challenged her failure to comply with the order. We'll never know though as he didn't bother.

They would have intervened more robustly and he could have reported her every time she followed him. My DH had to call the police - his ex actually kicked him in front of the children. And self representation is possible. It’s definitely not easy, but it is possible.

Shouldn’t be allowed to get to that point anyway thought really should it

You must have trouble reading do you? He didn’t just not bother your just choosing to read the parts you would like. I haven’t actually took any of your advice on board and your quite boring if I’m honest so please go and bore someone else you’ve said your bit you haven’t been listened to now go away and leave this thread for people to are going to give helpful advice

She got her own way and that was my husband not be part of their daughters life. 5 years later and she just sends a text like he’s a close friend she hasn’t spoken to in a few weeks not someone she put through hell. Anyway I’m just going to leave it it’s got nothing to do with me my children are happy and have everything they need it’s his daughter and his choice and unless you’ve been through what he has I find it difficult to know how it feels and what steps you would take.

Na, think I’ll stay, and will continue to post as much as I’d like. It’s a free and open forum and you don’t get to dictate what and when people post.

And you’re wrong. He absolutely didn’t bother to attempt to stay in touch with his daughter.

It doesn’t matter what his excuses are, whether he felt he couldn’t afford it (lies given you’re an SAHM and have already said you live comfortably on his salary) or whether he was just glad to finally have her out of his life, or whether he’s just an incompetent father.

The possibilities are endless.

After all, he doesn’t bother with his other children either, and if/when you split up I guarantee that you won’t see him for dust.

@MayThe4th how does that help? Not very grown up is it?

👍🏻 if you have children let’s hope you bring them up to be kinder that you

Ah yes sorry I’m wrong you know absolutely everything about the situation 🫠