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Original poster

Husbands ex wife is a control freak

269 replies

HHN · 04/01/2024 22:04

So my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship when he split with his ex wife she stopped him from seeing his daughter. He took her to court and set up a contact agreement she broke this after about 6 weeks. This was 5 year ago absolutely cut all contact with my husband and he’s never seen his daughter since. Two weeks ago he received a text from her asking if they could meet up and have a chat! He’s reluctant as she’s a liar she tried to make out he was on drugs and abusive at court. He done everything to prove her wrong including drug tests. She just done and said all this to purely hurt him. She doesn’t stick to agreements and just loves to cause trouble. Despite this I’ve tried to persuade him to reply to the text but he’s just out right refusing he thinks she’s just trying to cause trouble as she used to. But I can’t help but think maybe his daughter has asked about him and wants to get to know him even though I’ve told him this is still doesn’t want to reply to the text. Should I just leave it now or try again to persuade him? I don’t want to get too involved but also don’t want him to regret not replying.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 06/01/2024 11:57

OP I’ve just seen your other thread, and you said: It would have meant paying my whole wage out for other people to look after our children when we are in a fortunate position to be able to live comfortably off DH’s salary.
Doesn’t quite fit with saying that DH can’t afford to go to court does it?

You also said that DH is generous and works hard and gives his money but not his time, and that’s exactly what he’s done with his first daughter.

He willingly does nothing with your children. Never takes them out ever, has his two days a week to himself and you never get a break, not even an hour once a month.

So let’s be honest here, it suits him to not see his daughter. If you split do you really think he would bother with your three? Given he already doesn’t bother with them and they live with him?

Original poster
HHN · 06/01/2024 11:59

MayThe4th · 06/01/2024 11:57

OP I’ve just seen your other thread, and you said: It would have meant paying my whole wage out for other people to look after our children when we are in a fortunate position to be able to live comfortably off DH’s salary.
Doesn’t quite fit with saying that DH can’t afford to go to court does it?

You also said that DH is generous and works hard and gives his money but not his time, and that’s exactly what he’s done with his first daughter.

He willingly does nothing with your children. Never takes them out ever, has his two days a week to himself and you never get a break, not even an hour once a month.

So let’s be honest here, it suits him to not see his daughter. If you split do you really think he would bother with your three? Given he already doesn’t bother with them and they live with him?

We do live comfortably we don’t have loads of excess money to pay for solicitors and court fees every few month. This has nothing to do with my previous post we go to family counselling if you would like a update on that

OP posts:
Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 12:08

Oh OP, you're really trying to defend a man who has decided his daughter just isn't worth fighting for.

You're also on thin ice saying he has money to support you not working but you can't find the money for him to go to court. I think you're being disingenuous in your logic here.

I'm a SM and my husband had a nightmare ex but there was nothing that would stop him seeing his children, no matter what she threw at him. So yes we've been there and had worse than what's been thrown at you but at no point would we just walk away. Paying CM doesn't absolve him of being a really shit dad.

I think deep down you're worried because you know if push came to shove, he's shown you how much he'd be there for your kids. Which is not at all if the going got tough. That's got to sting a bit inside. Don't kid yourself, he'd be saying the same about you to the next GF. I think on some level you know that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General parenting Relationship problems
StragglyTinsel · 06/01/2024 12:11

Well, an MN search was enlightening.

This prince among men is incapable of looking after the 3 children he lives with. He’s never so much as taken the three of them to the park.

And the OP has a nasty sister who she hates too. Her niece has blocked the OP on her phone. And the OP finds herself left out of family events.

She’s also got problems with her in-laws who are too selfish and expect her to do all the running around so they see their grandchildren. They aren’t like this with any of her H’s siblings.

And her H’s ex is an evil nasty person always looking to make trouble too. Even though the H has not seen his eldest child
in 5 years.

At some point, it’s worth asking whether it really is everyone else who is the problem.

Original poster
HHN · 06/01/2024 12:28

StragglyTinsel · 06/01/2024 12:11

Well, an MN search was enlightening.

This prince among men is incapable of looking after the 3 children he lives with. He’s never so much as taken the three of them to the park.

And the OP has a nasty sister who she hates too. Her niece has blocked the OP on her phone. And the OP finds herself left out of family events.

She’s also got problems with her in-laws who are too selfish and expect her to do all the running around so they see their grandchildren. They aren’t like this with any of her H’s siblings.

And her H’s ex is an evil nasty person always looking to make trouble too. Even though the H has not seen his eldest child
in 5 years.

At some point, it’s worth asking whether it really is everyone else who is the problem.

Too much time on your hands?

OP posts:
Coffeespill · 06/01/2024 12:45

Sometimes context is important

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/01/2024 13:05

There’s only so much one person can take though I suppose. After years of starting and stopping contact he thought after going to court it would be final and she wouldn’t be able to stop but just 6 weeks later he was back to square one

But he wasn't. It's a very simple process to apply for enforcement. It's one form and you don't need a solicitor. Yet he just couldn't be arsed to do that. That poor child. I've got a child whose father has abandoned him, the damage is horrific and I imagine he'll be dealing with the effects of it for his whole life. I've also self repped my divorce, finances and child arrangements. There is no excuse whatsoever. If, as it appears, he is a completely hands off dad to the children he lives with, then I'd say he couldn't be bothered because having to co-parent requires effort doesn't it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
HHN · 06/01/2024 13:25

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/01/2024 13:05

There’s only so much one person can take though I suppose. After years of starting and stopping contact he thought after going to court it would be final and she wouldn’t be able to stop but just 6 weeks later he was back to square one

But he wasn't. It's a very simple process to apply for enforcement. It's one form and you don't need a solicitor. Yet he just couldn't be arsed to do that. That poor child. I've got a child whose father has abandoned him, the damage is horrific and I imagine he'll be dealing with the effects of it for his whole life. I've also self repped my divorce, finances and child arrangements. There is no excuse whatsoever. If, as it appears, he is a completely hands off dad to the children he lives with, then I'd say he couldn't be bothered because having to co-parent requires effort doesn't it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks for your helpful advice 👍🏻👍🏻

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 06/01/2024 13:46

Thanks for your helpful advice 👍🏻👍🏻

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/01/2024 13:48

Posted before finishing....

Thanks for your helpful advice 👍🏻👍🏻

OP, what do you want people to say to you?
He's not interested in seeing his child, he doesn't want to engage with her mother so nothing is going to happen is it? You keep coming back with snarky responses to people who have been on both sides of this or have been through the court system. It seems you're just pissed off because people have pointed out that your husband is totally lacking as a parent.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 14:04

Why did you start this post OP?

You want advice from people who have been through it? you've got it and how you could easily have self represented. He is still actively chosing to be a shit parent if he doesnt take this opportunity. Problem is now he cant hide behind the legal excuse anymore and it has probably brought to light some uncomfortable truths about your husband.

You wanted us to tell you how horrible the ex is? problem is no one has done the right thing here so you can't point the finger. You can't sit there saying negative things about her given the way your husband has behaved. Paying CMS absolves him of nothing.

What did you really want from this thread?

Original poster
HHN · 06/01/2024 14:05

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/01/2024 13:48

Posted before finishing....

Thanks for your helpful advice 👍🏻👍🏻

OP, what do you want people to say to you?
He's not interested in seeing his child, he doesn't want to engage with her mother so nothing is going to happen is it? You keep coming back with snarky responses to people who have been on both sides of this or have been through the court system. It seems you're just pissed off because people have pointed out that your husband is totally lacking as a parent.

I posted for advice on whether people would carry on trying to encourage him or just mind my own business. Not advice on any other previous threads

OP posts:
Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 14:07

Here's a question, if you were to encourage him and he still did nothing despite the golden opportunity in front of him, what would you honestly think of him as a dad?

Really, hand on heart.

Original poster
HHN · 06/01/2024 14:11

Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 14:04

Why did you start this post OP?

You want advice from people who have been through it? you've got it and how you could easily have self represented. He is still actively chosing to be a shit parent if he doesnt take this opportunity. Problem is now he cant hide behind the legal excuse anymore and it has probably brought to light some uncomfortable truths about your husband.

You wanted us to tell you how horrible the ex is? problem is no one has done the right thing here so you can't point the finger. You can't sit there saying negative things about her given the way your husband has behaved. Paying CMS absolves him of nothing.

What did you really want from this thread?

I totally agree with you neither has put their child first and I absolutely would not have my children treat this way by either party. My question was do I just leave it and let him decide for himself or try and persuade him to reply. I could of quite easily ignored the whole situation and let him ignore the message to keep his ex out of our life if I hated his ex however that’s not the case I don’t know her only what I’ve been shown I don’t have any anger hate or anything against her. It’s the child I feel sorry for

OP posts:
Original poster
HHN · 06/01/2024 14:17

Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 14:07

Here's a question, if you were to encourage him and he still did nothing despite the golden opportunity in front of him, what would you honestly think of him as a dad?

Really, hand on heart.

His decision at the end of the day. The difference between me and you is I’ve been shown a lot of paper work & solicitor letters and she is 100% the type of person who just starts and stops contact when ever she pleases. She could wake up on the wrong side of the bed and take it out on my husband and stop contact there doesn’t have to be a valid reason in her eyes I’ve seen messages saying as much. He has text messages from her saying that she is HER daughter and she will do what she wants as and when she wants he lost the right to have any say when he ended their relationship. I do understand his worry of starting that all over again but surely a relationship with his daughter will be worth that a million times over

OP posts:
Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 14:22

HHN · 06/01/2024 14:17

His decision at the end of the day. The difference between me and you is I’ve been shown a lot of paper work & solicitor letters and she is 100% the type of person who just starts and stops contact when ever she pleases. She could wake up on the wrong side of the bed and take it out on my husband and stop contact there doesn’t have to be a valid reason in her eyes I’ve seen messages saying as much. He has text messages from her saying that she is HER daughter and she will do what she wants as and when she wants he lost the right to have any say when he ended their relationship. I do understand his worry of starting that all over again but surely a relationship with his daughter will be worth that a million times over

Show quote history

We've been through much worse with my husband's ex, trust me. But we never gave up. Not for one minute.

Starting and stopping contact, text messages, threats, none of it should stop him wanting to keep pursuing contact with his daughter. He could of gone to court and got access via a contact centre if he wanted it tracked and logged. He could of kept on getting access via the court. There's so much more that he could have done than what he did, which is nothing.

There is no excuse here OP. I've walked this journey and I couldn't be with a man who so easily gave up on his child.

StragglyTinsel · 06/01/2024 14:27

I could of quite easily ignored the whole situation and let him ignore the message to keep his ex out of our life if I hated his ex however that’s not the case I don’t know her only what I’ve been shown I don’t have any anger hate or anything against her.

Maybe, just maybe, you have built up this hatred of his ex based on misinformation.

it seems quite obvious why your husband would want you to view his exW as an evil villain, and why he’d supply you with a story (and evidence) to present himself as The Victim.

You DO hate her. It comes across loud and clear. Read your posts and what you say about this woman who you do not know.

The factual details you’ve given here do not support the His Evil Ex narrative either. Nor does a look at the broader context or your other posts.

I get that you are desperately keen to view your husband as a good guy and everyone else as The Problem… but this is very much a case of ‘if he wanted to have had a relationship with his child, he would have one’.

The reason he’s not jumping at the chance to get in contact with his exW is not that he’s so broken down or that he doesn’t want to invite drama into your lives (there’s plenty of drama in your life). It’s that he doesn’t want to. And he wants you to continue believing he’s the good guy rather than a father who abandoned his eldest child.

You don’t want to hear that. So you’ll respond aggressively. Or passive aggressively. But it’s resoundingly obvious that your husband has not been a force for good in your life. Or anyone else’s.

Quitelikeit · 06/01/2024 14:29

You know what on this occasion I would leave it alone. If the woman is toxic can you imagine the trouble she could stir for her daughter and you guys if she comes back in your life? After the stories I read on here I would avoid that scenario at all costs.

The stress is unimaginable and pushes relationships to the brink. Even more concerning is the fact the child is going to be a teen soon and that brings with it a whole other set of issues! oh and they cost a lot of money

Its a no from me.

Quitelikeit · 06/01/2024 14:32

Gosh the projection on this thread is unreal. The guy tried - just because he didn’t pursue things relentlessly it doesn’t mean he is Satan!

The damage toxic mothers can do to their kids when involved in Co parenting is demonstrated all too often on this forum

Original poster
HHN · 06/01/2024 14:33

Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 14:22

We've been through much worse with my husband's ex, trust me. But we never gave up. Not for one minute.

Starting and stopping contact, text messages, threats, none of it should stop him wanting to keep pursuing contact with his daughter. He could of gone to court and got access via a contact centre if he wanted it tracked and logged. He could of kept on getting access via the court. There's so much more that he could have done than what he did, which is nothing.

There is no excuse here OP. I've walked this journey and I couldn't be with a man who so easily gave up on his child.

Edited
Show quote history

Done the contact centre she stopped that too! He’s tried and unless you know for a fact that he hasn’t then I don’t know how you can say he’s done nothing. He absolutely has. Just because he ended the relationship with his ex he never willingly ended it with his daughter. If the whole going to court carried on for the last 5 year I know he would have done something silly to himself and wouldn’t be here now. 5 year ago there was no other option for him he’d was broke mentally and financially he didn’t have the money to go to court with or without a solicitor. He’s came a long long way in the passed 5 year

OP posts:
Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 14:34

Quitelikeit · 06/01/2024 14:29

You know what on this occasion I would leave it alone. If the woman is toxic can you imagine the trouble she could stir for her daughter and you guys if she comes back in your life? After the stories I read on here I would avoid that scenario at all costs.

The stress is unimaginable and pushes relationships to the brink. Even more concerning is the fact the child is going to be a teen soon and that brings with it a whole other set of issues! oh and they cost a lot of money

Its a no from me.

I'm inclined to agree for another reason.

Leave the poor kid alone. I suspect having your DH in and out of her life again , dropping her when he decides the drama is too much for him could be really damaging.

He's too flakey to be a good dad and will only do more harm. He obviously doesn't have her best interests at heart, so leave her alone and don't do any more damage.

She'll soon figure out she had a deadbeat dad who couldn't be bothered with fighting for her. Let's hope your kids don't find out the same.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 06/01/2024 14:36

HHN · 06/01/2024 14:33

Done the contact centre she stopped that too! He’s tried and unless you know for a fact that he hasn’t then I don’t know how you can say he’s done nothing. He absolutely has. Just because he ended the relationship with his ex he never willingly ended it with his daughter. If the whole going to court carried on for the last 5 year I know he would have done something silly to himself and wouldn’t be here now. 5 year ago there was no other option for him he’d was broke mentally and financially he didn’t have the money to go to court with or without a solicitor. He’s came a long long way in the passed 5 year

Show quote history

But he had the money for you to be a SAHM to 3 more kids?!

Come on OP. You seriously can't think that's a rational argument.

And yes, we went through all that and more but still didn't give up. No excuses OP.

Original poster
HHN · 06/01/2024 14:37

StragglyTinsel · 06/01/2024 14:27

I could of quite easily ignored the whole situation and let him ignore the message to keep his ex out of our life if I hated his ex however that’s not the case I don’t know her only what I’ve been shown I don’t have any anger hate or anything against her.

Maybe, just maybe, you have built up this hatred of his ex based on misinformation.

it seems quite obvious why your husband would want you to view his exW as an evil villain, and why he’d supply you with a story (and evidence) to present himself as The Victim.

You DO hate her. It comes across loud and clear. Read your posts and what you say about this woman who you do not know.

The factual details you’ve given here do not support the His Evil Ex narrative either. Nor does a look at the broader context or your other posts.

I get that you are desperately keen to view your husband as a good guy and everyone else as The Problem… but this is very much a case of ‘if he wanted to have had a relationship with his child, he would have one’.

The reason he’s not jumping at the chance to get in contact with his exW is not that he’s so broken down or that he doesn’t want to invite drama into your lives (there’s plenty of drama in your life). It’s that he doesn’t want to. And he wants you to continue believing he’s the good guy rather than a father who abandoned his eldest child.

You don’t want to hear that. So you’ll respond aggressively. Or passive aggressively. But it’s resoundingly obvious that your husband has not been a force for good in your life. Or anyone else’s.

Let’s agree to disagree. If I hated her so much I would hardly be trying to get him to reply to her message would I. I have absolutely nothing against her I don’t agree with her patenting or using her child as a weapon which is what she does but I don’t hate her at all I don’t feel anything towards the woman. So sorry that you think in DO hate her but your very mistaken as I really do not care. Again it’s the child I feel sorry for as she’ll have a lot of unanswered questions when she grows up

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 06/01/2024 14:38

Given your last reply, i cannot see why youre bothering.

he isnt interested in this child.

BalletBob · 06/01/2024 14:39

Why on earth do women commit themselves and have children with such low quality men? I mean, I get it when you are the first one and you didn't know he was like that...but when he's got form, he's abandoned his existing child and is giving it the "my ex is crazy/controlling/won't let me see the kids" bullshit script, who the fuck is falling for that?

OP if you honestly believe that in 5 years he hasn't had the opportunity to increase his earnings, to borrow money, to crowd fund, to sell his earthly possessions and cut his personal living expenses to the fucking bone to be able to see his child...I don't know what to tell you. Any half decent parent would crawl over broken glass and live in a ditch to be with their child. You asked "where do you drawn the line?" You don't! There is no line when you are a parent. No line you wouldn't cross to be in your child's life. You are a parent. You should know this.

You are heavily invested in his obviously idiotic narrative because for some reason you have chosen to procreate with him and you don't want to admit you've picked a dud. But to everyone else it's beyond obvious that he's just a garden variety deadbeat dad who gave up on his child.

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