13 year old son tried to black mail me

[rob38]

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

I can't think why he has such a money-centric attitude.

Tbh your response to him is off. Yes you should of course call out the blackmail and must not ever give into it. However spending 1000 is ridiculous anyway. You can't buy love. You should buy him a normal amount if gifts relative to your income and what is reasonable. Saying you were going to spend a thousand but now a hundred is a weird way to discipline your child.

Does he often get a lot of money spent on him?

If there isn't any reason for him not to be in school why isn't he?

A 900 financial penalty is in no way a proportionate or logical consequence for trying it on with you like he did.

It's not clear but are you also saying you punished him further by returning him to his mother? The one who hits him?

There is way too much info missing on this post.

How did social services become involved in his life? Lots of kids "mess around" at school but don't have social work involvement so what triggered this?

On a more day to day level... Don't give him opportunities to blackmail or argue. For example,

"I've found a pen for you take to school"
"I'll take it if you give me £20 quid"
"I'll put it on the table, you can take it or leave it". Then he deals with the consequences at school. There is no point in making every silly thing he says an argument.

You child seems to be screaming for firm boundaries and consistency discipline. As a C parent you shouldn't be turning him out for poor behaviour and you certainly shouldn't be spending £1000 on a kid that's a school avoider who openly admits he's dicking about. Tbh, after ask these years of this sort of approach it's no wonder he's in the state he is. He doesn't need CAMHS, he needs a Time Machine and for his parents to take a parenting course or read some books on firm discipline before they screw hun over and he ends up like this.

To him, money is the currency that is the leverage. He has learned this from somewhere.

I think everyone that is in his life needs to reevaluate how he has been parented and be really honest.

I would not be spending a penny on things but would instead build a loving, trusting relationship through experiences together. Take him on holiday skiing or something, do a sport together - basketball or badminton or something shared. Learn some things together say a language so he sees the value of learning.

But first you must build, build, build from the ground up.

In case you missed it @rob38, @TrumpetOfTheMatriarchy was being sarcastic.
You use money as a bargaining tool with a 13 year old 🙄of course he is going to do it back.

Also it must be great when you can just dump the annoying teenager back with their mother.

That’s a bad message to give him. That you’re disposing of him, albeit temporarily. You need to keep working with him, ffs. Not get rid as soon as you can.

It's not blackmail. It's just a childish attempt at manipulation. I'd have ignored it and told him he could take the pen, or not, and any consequences of his choice are his to deal with.

You need to be a consistent, loving but firm presence in his life. You don't need to be discussing the financial value of Christmas presents with him, and making them conditional on specific behaviour. Spend an affordable amount on his presents (£1000 is ridiculous anyway) and give them to your son regardless.

Your DS is clearly dealing with some big issues, it's not the case that he is choosing to mess around for fun. That's another childish response from a young teenager who likely can't really express what's bothering him. His behaviour is telling you there is a large issue. Missing that much school and misbehaving so massively is not usual. Neither is being hit by his mother. What on earth is going on in that household? Can he stay with you permanently?

Well you're also blackmailing him.

He only gets your love and attention and monetary reward in the shape of presents if he behaves in the way you deem acceptable.

There's so much to unpick here.

Have him with you. Model appropriate behaviour.

Continue laughing at him when he bribes you with taking a pen to school.

I'd say something like "yeah, dream on mate. But I'll tell you what. Ill book us to go to X (whatever he likes like a football match) on Saturday with the £20 - much more fun for you - and you take the pen and get a good education - useful for you"

With teens you have to not get drawn in. Punishment and consequence shouldn't be pushing them away or upon top of another punishment they've had for the same thing.

I work with troubled teens and humour, expecting them to make the right choice and lots of nurture turns them around in the end.

First response nailed it

A grand on presents is MAD. No wonder he is a grabby little sod. I wouldn't even want to give a ton after that stroke he pulled.

The first response is fair, but this has been going on a long time now and I have tried everything, as has his school, as has an Early Help Worker etc.

PACE Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy

I am aware of using humor to divert and bring down a situation however my sons response to "yeah, dream on mate. But I'll tell you what. Ill book us to go to X (whatever he likes like a football match) on Saturday with the £20 - much more fun for you - and you take the pen and get a good education - useful for you" would be no, give me £20.

So just laugh and say "you heard what I said"

He got the rise he wanted.

He got his feelings of no one wanting him around validated. Therefore you validate his reasons to behave this way.

He needs boundaries and to know you love him whatever and aren't getting dragged into his shit.

He had a hard time with his mum a few years ago and I did a lot to build up his confidence, using PACE etc. but now he does not give a f*ck at school or at home. And humor does not work.

So, in that case, you just de-escalate and say "no, that's not happening, take the pen or leave it". And repeat, then change the subject/move on/leave for school etc etc. Taking the pen with you in case he changes his mind at the last minute.

Your response to his behaviour is to dump him on his mum - that's what you do with other people's children who visit your home and misbehave. Dealing with his behaviour is your responsibility as well as hers.

That doesn't work. I do appreciate advice. His response to me laughing and saying 'you heard what I said' would be 'dont f*cking laugh at me, give me £20'

His response to "no, that's not happening, take the pen or leave it", would be "I am going to leave it and mess around at school unless you give me £20"

And then he would leave the pen and mess around at school

I mean your response isn't that far away from blackmail.

He has learned that money is the same as love and attention. That's what he is trying to get.

You respond to him by sending him straight back to his mother's telling him you removing money from him, by spending less at Christmas.

You couldn't think of anyway to deal with him other by sending him away and threatening him with the loss of monetary gain.

He has learned this behaviour.

So you say, "fine, that's your choice." or just simply ignore him. He is trying to get into an argument and push boundaries. You don't have to engage with him. Attending school at all is better than not attending, even if he then misbehaves.

@Lifeasiknowitisout I agree.

There are however CLEAR parenting issues from you both. Mum can't get him to school, you are Disney parenting.

I commend you for asking here for help, before your son becomes another statistic.

You need counselling with his mum or separately as to how to parent effectively apart. He needs immediate structure with coordination between you with approach.

That would be fair, apart from I have tried absolutely everything else, as has his mother, his school and an Early Help Worker. What I haven't is being harsher with him.