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Original poster

13 year old son tried to black mail me

304 replies

rob38 · 15/12/2023 20:08

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

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Original poster
rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:40

I didn't bribe him but what I said to him about Christmas was harsh

OP posts:
HoHoHoliday · 15/12/2023 22:41

rob38 · 15/12/2023 21:12

I was his best friend when he was little, in 2019 I separated from his mother, in 2020 his mother stopped me from seeing him for 9 months. He wasn't aware if I was alive or not through covid. During 2020 his mother hit him relatedly, she refused his requested to see me, his grandmother pretended to film him undressed and threated to send the video to people, his mum used him to commit benefit fraud.

Excuse me, his mother and grandmother did what?!
If I was you I'd forget the pen blackmail and focus your attention on reporting his abusers to the police and applying for full custody. Perhaps when he's not being abused by his own family he will feel secure enough to concentrate at school.

FunnysInLaJardin · 15/12/2023 22:41

DreamTheMoors · 15/12/2023 22:00

In the U.S., there used to be a program called “Scared Straight,” I think it was, where kids like your son were locked inside a prison cell with men who didn’t want them to end up spending their lives locked up like they had. The prisoners were vetted very carefully and they were fully supervised and filmed.
It was was fascinating how many of those young men straightened up and realized how un-funny their behavior truly was, and how soft and immature they really were.
Perhaps you could look into locating a similar program like that for your son, since you say you’ve tried everything else.
Maybe he’s not half as tough and funny as he thinks he is, when presented with truly tough and “funny” people.
Just a thought.

Jesus, really? Do you have any compassion.

People don't act up for fun, they are scared and crying out for help, not that shit

Interested in this thread?

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13 year olds Families General parenting
Notchangingnameagain · 15/12/2023 22:42

Hang on a minute, his Mum was abusive, you were absent and have been outed as bi-sexual and CAMHS and other usually sensible although slow agencies cannot think of a single reason why his behaviour has deteriorated?

Neitheronethingnortheother · 15/12/2023 22:43

You punished your child for asking for £20 to take a pen to school by sending him back to his abusive parent?

One who has apparently been abusing him for years but he still lives at least part time with that parent with no talk whatsoever of how you are going to family court of fight to get sole custody?

Yeah no I can't work out at all why the kid might be fucked up and misbehaving. It's a total mystery when every relative in his life is failing him miserably.

Original poster
rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:43

@Notchangingnameagain

He got suspended recently for building a 'fort' with his mates from tables and chairs to trap other kids in a class room. He disrupts lessons by being rude to the teacher etc., or encouraging other kids to misbehave.

OP posts:
VelvetandLace · 15/12/2023 22:44

How is he doing in school academically OP? Or rather, how was it going before he stopped going to school. Does he find the work difficult?

WetTowelsWillRemainOnFloorWhereTheyHaveBeenLeft · 15/12/2023 22:44

@willWillSmithsmith I’ve reported your post. People like you do nothing to help.

If we are to give helpful advice it’s no good making the OP feel so much like shit that he doesn’t want to come back.

The idea is for him to continue to engage and hopefully to give him the encouragement he needs to persevere with his son.

We can all see that the poor kid is facing enormous challenges.

What the OP does NOT need is to run off and not come back.

There’s still a chance the boy can be helped.

Notchangingnameagain · 15/12/2023 22:46

@DreamTheMoors Misbehaving at school does not equate to locking up a 13 year old in a prison with men. Absolutely ridiculous and no way appropriate here. What the hell.

Original poster
rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:46

@HoHoHoliday

I have reported it to the Police. I was told that his grandmother is allowed to film him as she is a family member, and that there was no crime as also she only pretended to film him.

OP posts:
Neitheronethingnortheother · 15/12/2023 22:46

rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:43

@Notchangingnameagain

He got suspended recently for building a 'fort' with his mates from tables and chairs to trap other kids in a class room. He disrupts lessons by being rude to the teacher etc., or encouraging other kids to misbehave.

Well yes, his mother is physically assaulting him, his grandmother is threatening to distribute child pornography of him (because that's what naked photos/videos of a child are) and you wash your hands of him back to his abusers the moment you don't like his behaviour.

You are lucky building forts and disrupting lessons is all he is doing!

SnowflakeSparkles · 15/12/2023 22:47

rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:09

What would the need be? His school, Camhs, an Early Help Worker and myself cannot work it out. It's not attention. Any suggestions what it could be?

This may not be very helpful, but I wanted to share my experience anyway.

My middle son is only 6 but he has very difficult behaviour patterns. He's an absolutely gorgeous boy with an amazing personality, but he's also the single biggest source of strife and pain in my life.

I strongly believe that his behaviour is related to anxiety. Even behaviours like violent outbursts and manipulative or domineering behaviour in children, can be linked back to anxiety. I'm not saying that is the case in all children who behave in these ways, but anxiety is rarely looked at as a root cause for these behaviours.

When I looked into it more, it did make sense. Being manipulative and dominant can be an attempt to control a situation.

I love my children but I have made a lot of mistakes as a parent. Some children are just incredibly difficult to parent to be honest, or perhaps it's that some children really clash with their parents. My oldest child and my youngest child just don't have the same nature as my middle child. He is much more sensitive and highly strung, and he needs a lot of input to feel secure. He still has intense melt downs occasionally and lashes out. Such is the way of things sometimes.

I'm hoping he will grow out of it, but resources I am planning on getting are the books The Explosive Child and How to Talk so Kids will Listen. I have also been looking into the positive parenting and PANDA approach.

It sounds to me like your son needs firm but gentle boundaries, carefully picked battles, and a calm approach. It's really fucking hard to stay calm when a child is acting in a volatile way. But I do believe modelling the calm, in control behaviour we are looking for in them really helps.

I do wish you the best of luck; my niece is a similar age and her behaviour is absolutely awful; she's no longer in main stream school nor does she live with either parent. It's so sad to see, things seem really difficult for kids these days.

FunnysInLaJardin · 15/12/2023 22:47

rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:46

@HoHoHoliday

I have reported it to the Police. I was told that his grandmother is allowed to film him as she is a family member, and that there was no crime as also she only pretended to film him.

that's is so fucked up I don't know where to start. What was she thinking?

Notchangingnameagain · 15/12/2023 22:48

Do the other children also receive the same consequences? Despite your son “encouraging” them?

SnowflakeSparkles · 15/12/2023 22:49

Notchangingnameagain · 15/12/2023 22:42

Hang on a minute, his Mum was abusive, you were absent and have been outed as bi-sexual and CAMHS and other usually sensible although slow agencies cannot think of a single reason why his behaviour has deteriorated?

What does being bisexual have to do with anything?

Original poster
rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:50

@Neitheronethingnortheother

He wasn't asking. He is not a quiet meek child, he was demanding £20 to take the pen to school. He has stated before that he bribes his mum, and he was trying to bribe me. He is almost 6 foot tall, his mother is crap, but she hasn't been abusive towards him since 2020 and he now towers over her so there is not the same risk that there was.

OP posts:
Neitheronethingnortheother · 15/12/2023 22:52

rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:50

@Neitheronethingnortheother

He wasn't asking. He is not a quiet meek child, he was demanding £20 to take the pen to school. He has stated before that he bribes his mum, and he was trying to bribe me. He is almost 6 foot tall, his mother is crap, but she hasn't been abusive towards him since 2020 and he now towers over her so there is not the same risk that there was.

The fact that that's all you have taken from my post is part of the problem

Notchangingnameagain · 15/12/2023 22:52

It’s a major event in a 13 year olds life. DO NOT try and imply I meant anything else.

fedupandstuck · 15/12/2023 22:53

rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:50

@Neitheronethingnortheother

He wasn't asking. He is not a quiet meek child, he was demanding £20 to take the pen to school. He has stated before that he bribes his mum, and he was trying to bribe me. He is almost 6 foot tall, his mother is crap, but she hasn't been abusive towards him since 2020 and he now towers over her so there is not the same risk that there was.

Except you said that his mother hit him, which is why he was with you this week.

Are you saying that you can't say no, and ignore any resulting attention-seeking comments from your son, because you are physically intimidated by him?

Original poster
rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:54

@SnowflakeSparkles

Is that generalized anxiety disorder, or are they anxious about something specific? I think he suffers from anxiety, and that hasn't been raised as a concern by Camhs etc. but he may do

OP posts:
Original poster
rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:55

@fedupandstuck

That's fair, he told me he hit her back and that if she hit him again he would hit her back.

OP posts:
GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 22:55

Wow. Horrendous, appalling parenting

Original poster
rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:56

@Notchangingnameagain

As far as I am aware other kids have been suspended etc. for joining in

OP posts:
Original poster
rob38 · 15/12/2023 22:59

@GladioliandSweetPeas

It is horrendous apart from being a nice supportive dad just seems to give him confidence to behave terribly.

The first improvement that there has been in his behavior in months of intervention from school, Early Help etc. has come after I was harsh with him.

OP posts:
WetTowelsWillRemainOnFloorWhereTheyHaveBeenLeft · 15/12/2023 22:59

@rob38

What is your response to the poster who suggested spending the £1000 you were going to spend on Christmas, on a psychologist who specialises in children?

His mother and her mother sound vile but you have to rise above that. YOU have to parent well. You can’t do much to change them.

You mention a little sister. What is your current set-up? Do you want him to live with you?