13 year old son tried to black mail me

[rob38]

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

You have a seriously disturbed son - he has 2 parents, dont lay the blame all at his mother’s feet.

What punishments do you use?

I am confused - so reducing the planned spend and sending him back to his mum’s led to an improvement in his behaviour?

How is he still resident at his mums if all that is true??

He went through an awful time when he was, what, 9 or 10? When he should have been worrying about nothing at all and been able to rely on his parents for a stable home life.

The damage that has done needs long term committed consistent and understanding parenting to repair. Alongside additional support from expert professionals.

He responded to me dropping his stuff off at his mums by going into school the next day and behaving all day, which is the first time he has done that since September.

This poor kid.
He isn't doing it for fun, and you know that.

What a shitty hand he has been dealt

He needs love and firm boundaries

So all of that and you still threatened to dump him at his mums?

Yeah and I feel very very shit about it, as I should

And when was this? And how many days has he been in since then? And what conversations have you had with him about it?

Yes £1000 is probably too much

Christ. The poor kid.

Look, you don't just give up on him and dump him back with his abusive mother. Even if that scares him into behaving for one day.

You have been damaged by the poor parenting you received as a child. You don't seem able to parent authoritatively whilst being kind and loving. Your instincts are also to hit him.

You can use these PACE techniques you keep mentioning whilst also enforcing boundaries and consequences.

I get the days mixed up but he went in today and Wednesday. That's the first time hes been in two days in a week in about a month. And behaved today aswell.

Bollocks to playfulness and diversion. He's not a toddler! How about consistent boundaries and consequences?

"I'm not giving you £20. If you don't take the pen, you'll get in trouble at school. Your choice."

Yes to encouraging positive activities. Tell him you're going to take him boxing so he can give it a try.

No to spoiling him with ridiculous bribes of money. "Please be good or I won't reward you" never works...

Getting to the bottom of this is going to take time and commitment. If you want to get fit you go out for a run. You come home tired and sweaty, and guess what- you’re not fit, just exhausted. But you will go out the next night and the next, but you still won’t be fit. You need to have those conversations with your son time and time again; start afresh every single day.

Poor mum, beaten down by your son’s behaviour and pressured into giving hm money to behave. What are you doing to support her raising your son? I can’t believe the second he became unreasonable, you sent him back to mum.

I worked with children like your son for 40 years- here’s the plan
1.He lives full time with you
2.You find out why he is so angry and deal with it- get counselling- for him or for you both or mum
3.You stop undermining his mother- show her the respect you want him to show her- you are his role modeL
4.Show him he can behave by jointly agreeing and sticking to a set of rules
5.Far more valuable than £1000s is your time spent together, hanging out with one another day in day out. Watching movies, going for a run, washing up, cooking.
6.Do all you can to build a constructive relationship with mum and other family members
7.This may be you last chance to influence you son. Sending him back to mum just shows him you lack real commitment. Dealing with him day in and day out is what mums and dads do.

So his mum hit him again and you took him back and think it might have worked because he behaved for one day?

maybe he behaved because he is hoping you spend more money on him. That’s where he is clearly focused. It’s also where you are focused.

He knows to behave for a bit and you will financially reward him. Whilst I agree 1k is a bit too much, it totally depends on what you earn/financial situation. But I think then holding that over him, is also black mail. Just spend a normal amount. But you are now stuck because of you spend more than £100 he will think it worked and behave only when he wants something.

But his behaviour and what you provide on a weekly basis, Christmas and birthdays shouldn’t be used as bribes and punishment

Your reaction here has caused more of a mess. As pp said, he needs boundaries but love and understanding and not sending away.

He is an extremely naughty boy. You dealt well with this. His social worker should be told about this. Lets hope he grows out of this behaviour soon..

Okay, so here is what I do with my thirteen year old. I expect him to go to school and I ask him every day class by class how it went. We do this out for a walk or at the gym. His timetable is on my phone and his homework app also pings to my phone. So we have an on-going conversation about what he is doing, what he enjoys and what he is struggling with. I expect him to do his best and he knows that. I don’t mind if he does not get a good grade as long as I know that he tries. And he knows that.
He also knows that money does not grow on trees and that I have to go out to earn what we have, and there is only so much for the month and this must also be saved from if we are to go on holiday.
I am a single parent, and that brings its own challenges. But I do trust my son to be sensible and I expect him to value the educational opportunities he has. We did go through a phase when he was in year seven when every day it was a struggle to get him to school. And I did give him the ‘there are children in the world who do not have your opportunities’ speech many times.
He knows I am there for him when things go wrong or he is upset. This is the bit your son will not have security with and you need to build. But it should not be at the expense of boundaries and expectations of good behaviour.

During 2020 his mother hit him relatedly, she refused his requested to see me, his grandmother pretended to film him undressed and threated to send the video to people, his mum used him to commit benefit fraud

If all of this is true, why on earth would you send him back to her as a punishment for his attempt to "blackmail" you?

No wonder he's got problems.

Thank you very much for your advice

In the U.S., there used to be a program called “Scared Straight,” I think it was, where kids like your son were locked inside a prison cell with men who didn’t want them to end up spending their lives locked up like they had. The prisoners were vetted very carefully and they were fully supervised and filmed.
It was was fascinating how many of those young men straightened up and realized how un-funny their behavior truly was, and how soft and immature they really were.
Perhaps you could look into locating a similar program like that for your son, since you say you’ve tried everything else.
Maybe he’s not half as tough and funny as he thinks he is, when presented with truly tough and “funny” people.
Just a thought.

Do you ever tell him you love him? Teenagers desperately need to feel safe and accepted (even by their embarrassing parents).

Have you taken him on a (non-extravagant) day out recently? Focussing on him alone? I used to take my teenage DD out for a drive when she was going through tough times and it really is amazing how much easier she found it to talk when I wasn't looking directly at her! Favourite music on, sing along a bit, let them talk when they're ready. Listen completely and calmly to what they have to say. Bit of a waste of petrol but invaluable in a crisis.

Bloody hell. His mum is abusive as is his nan and no one was there to protect him and your wondering why he is lashing out? This poor kid is crying out for boundaries, attachment and most importantly to feel safe and loved but your response is to send him back to the woman who abused him? You need to step up for goodness sake. You can't buy your way out of this unless it's splashing the cash on decent family and trauma therapy and a parenting course for yourself.

Your kid didn't go into school and behave because he suddenly realised that's what he needs to do he did it because his dad let him down again and showed him that when things are tough he would be abandoned again. It might look great on the outside but the next spiral will no doubt be worse. It sounds like he is flicking between fight, flight and freeze and that takes work to undo and he probably doesn't even realise he is in it as its his normal.

Children DO NOT misbehave at school for FUN.

A NEED is NOT being met, what that need is only you and the supportive adults around him will know.

You seem quite immature from your post, referring to the pen/£20 scenario as blackmail.

Give me £20 to take a pen to school - NO - End of conversation.

Your child would perhaps benefit from some time not money.

What would the need be? His school, Camhs, an Early Help Worker and myself cannot work it out. It's not attention. Any suggestions what it could be?