13 year old son tried to black mail me

[rob38]

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

@ghostyslovesheets

That sounds very tough!!! That's a very hopeful story!!

This is a good response 'you impose the consequence and if he goes to his mums it still stands when he is next at yours', however it is unfair on him to drag a consequence out over a week I think NO! It's totally fair - as he walks out the door you shout 'it still stand'

You seem to be asking for a unicorn a consequence than works but wont make him go to mums - that doesn;t exist - be consistent.

If he stays at his mums that is his choice - you just keep reaching out

@rob38 It was utter hell at times - it broke me repeatedly but it was so so worth it.

My eldest is just an awesome human being - so bright and beautiful - they still have huge anxiety struggles - Uni has been very hard - they come home most weekends but they (oh fuck it_ SHE has continued to work hard and try - it's a constant struggle with her emotions.

But I no longer offer suggestions or solutions - that's a real trigger - I just listen and give hugs - life is calmer and her relationship with her siblings is amazing - so nice to have a home full of love and laughter now!

@ghostyslovesheets

That behavior is very similar to how my sons behavior was a during 2020 in his mothers care, smashing things, chasing her around with a knife etc. The Early Help Worker at the time suggested natural consequences. His behavior in his mums care got a lot worse after she started allowing him freedom to find the natural consequences to his actions. I think she broke down at that point and started hitting him etc.

He came to live with me at the end of 2020 for 6 months, and his behavior went back to normal pretty much with some work. He started going to school every day, made a great group of friends, behaved really well at home and at school.

Since he has been living back with his mum his behavior has gradually declined again.

How long was your son like that before he changed his behavior? Was there a sudden change due or was it gradual?

@ghostyslovesheets

That is really positive!!

Honestly - it took maturity - she got a job, started feeling some pride - she was still a nightmare to get into college but she knew, at the crunch point, she wouldn;t get where she wanted without it - it might be worth exploring your sons ideas and ambitions - focus on why school actually matters.

DD wanted to go to one of 3 specific universities and she needed high grades to go - she had to start to go in (yes she could get the grades working at home, she's frightening bright, but college where going to throw her out for attendance) - she is now at her dream uni - and hates it (not the course, just everything else!) so it's another struggle BUT she has learned she has to just a) get on with it or b) leave and go elsewhere - currently she's sticking it out.

I feel for you somewhat regarding mum as she has a very loving dad but his love is 100% conditional and distant - if she stepped out of line that love was removed and I dealt with the fall out. He doesn't do emotions and mental health he just give them money! Sadly, now, much as she loves her dad, she hardly sees him as she just feels let down. This is the first Christmas that all three have refused to go to his at all - they just don't feel happy there - it's heart breaking but her wont hear me when I try and talk to him.

@ghostyslovesheets

I might be asking for something that does not exist consequence wise.

It used to be that you gave your child a clipped ear if they misbehaved and that is the way it has worked for millennia.

Natural consequences is a nice idea but I think in reality it does not work in all situations and for all children. My son is very socially clever, stubborn, confident, and comes from a family of entrepreneurs and rule breakers. He takes opportunities and pushes boundaries, I think if let him find a natural consequence for his actions he would end up harmed.

So, maybe, when you have calm times you need to discuss the consequences of his actions - I work with kids heavily entrenched in crime - it's awful when they get to that point and can't see a way out.

My daughter is scary bright (AAAA* at A level) and, lets be honest, teenagers think they know everything - until they don't. It's not fun for kids who ended up in shit situations and with criminal record - what does he want to do with his life? What are his aims and ambitions?

Being a rule breaker isn't always bad - we have rights, no slavery etc because people broke rules - but it needs channelling

Honestly I think some good, not fighty, heart to hearts and some future planning might help.

A clip round the ear never did - my mum beat me with a clothes brush - it made me more rebellious

I will stop posting on this thread when I choose to, not when you dictate.

I have given you some useful advice, along with several other posters, and it's your choice whether or not you explore any of my or their suggestions. If your children's mother is abusive - and you assured me that she is - then the situation will in fact be taken out of your hands if you don't take action yourself. And if she isn't, you need to stop using that word and you both need to seek professional help for your own behaviour as this is likely to improve your son's behaviour, too. You also mentioned your daughter, who will already be damaged by the adults in her life and who needs urgent intervention while she is still young and malleable.

@ghostyslovesheets

Great that she is getting to follow her university ambitions. Sounds tough with her dad, my dad is similar. If your children have all decided to not see him at least they have each other to confirm that choice with and not feel guilty about making it. I have a brother and sister, and it has been beneficial to us to talk about our dad, our complains about him and choices to not see him.

I think that's unfair at @UnJardinSurLeTwat - this poster is trying to help - you need to be open to listening to ideas - even if they don't feel nice.

Trust me, in family therapy, I had to really learn that criticism is not an attack, that maybe I needed to hear some unpleasant truths and maybe I wasn't ' a helpless parent of a problem child' but part of the problem that was impacting a sad confused child - it's hard but it starts with US as parents accepting we can do things wrong.

@ghostyslovesheets

He doesn't have any ambitions, which is difficult. He is very talented in his writing, but he isn't interested in that. There are no subjects at school that he is particularly interested in.

Start fostering some - he'll be leaving in 3 years - maybe start exploring careers and post 16 options - and the fact that with no GCSE's he's limiting himself when he doesn't have to - get school on board.

He might benefit from mentoring - do school offer this - not sure where you are but our schools use a few companies such as Dare 2 Dream or Malaki - I would meet with the school and ask for a plan - not a managed move - they have a duty of care and they should be putting things in place to help him get back on track - mentoring can be really impactful. (although my DD, typically, refuse it!)

@UnJardinSurLeTwat

I don't have an issue with your helpful posts its your repeated attempts to undermine my story that I have a problem with.

I have asked you twice to not post on this thread. I will report you if you continue to post.

@ghostyslovesheets

They do offer mentoring that is an option they have been considering.

Any suggestions on how to encourage him to be interested in a subject. Both his school and myself have tried, as a way to get him involved and interested in school but have failed.

You are right to an extent, it is very hard if not impossible to apply consequences when they can just leave. You are wrong thinking that a damaging consequence is better than nothing at all. You can't show him love and care is conditional. I can see that you love him and you want to help him. You want to help lhim desperately and you're clutching at this as a solution and I understand that. It is hard to see our kids struggle, it is frustrating and exhausting and worrying, but sending him back to the person who traumatised him isn't the solution.

Just because he's big enough to hit back now doesn't make the trauma and the fear of that abuse he suffered from his Mum go away. I'm still scared of my ex, I get triggered, I have panic attacks and he doesn't even live here anymore. Being abused changes you, it destroys your self esteem, makes you question everything, makes you think no one could ever love you. The fact that a person that is so close to you treats you like shit makes you think you must be worthless. Being 6 foot doesn't mean you can't be abused and scared. There could be ongoing emotional abuse now. Maybe she stopped hitting him, but that doesn't mean she stopped abusing him.

You need to find ways to build his confidence and self worth, My DD has found playing with a team has helped her to make different friends and feel more confident. Help him find things outside school, do things together that don't involve money. If he likes to game do you ever game with him? Drive him to something he likes and have a no pressure chat in the car, not about the behaviour just chat and listen. You need to build him back up.

Ive been wracking my brain for a consequence and then Ross Greene popped into my head, because he doesn't use consequences to change behaviour. He's an American Psychologist but he's renouned in many other countries for his work with children like your son. He's well known in SEN circles where I live, not US. He has a website lives in the balance and there's an unofficial FB support group called the B team. His work is based on the idea that children do well when they can and that misbehavior like this is communication that your child doesn't have the skills he needs to cope. It's about treating the problem rather than punishing the child for the behaviours that arise as the result of that problem.
https://livesinthebalance.org/our-solution/

You are going to report someone for replying to you on a social media thread?

You do get that's not how it works right? You have been far ruder to that poster than they have been to you (they havent been rude), they haven't broken any MN guidelines, what do you think reporting them will achieve?

I get that, given you have admitted you have said you don't see women as human beings just as automated emotion support there to do your mental work for you, it must be really annoying to come across a woman who doesnt shut up when you demand it but that still doesn't mean that poster has to pay any attention to you.

You don't own the thread, the website or the Internet and you have absolutely no control of whether that poster or any other poster responds to you or not so long as they stay within guidelines.

I do however always find it interesting to see how a man reacts when a woman doesn't do as he tells them...

Yes find activities that motivate and interest him.

enable him to have weekly counselling and a mentor

I expect the issue here is that he doesn't feel worthy of having ambitions and interests and doesn't actually believe he's good at anything. Those things are for people who's mother's haven't abused them. My mother was abusive before she walked out and one of things I found really hard about that was that I didn't know anyone who's mums were abusive or who had left and never saw them. I knew lots of kids whose Dad's had left or were abusive. Mum's are that one person that is portrayed as being their for a child and it really smashes your self worth when they abuse you... it somehow felt worse that it was my Mum.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

Thank you, I will have a look at Ross Greene.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

I think ambition is a good suggestion. I can maybe take him to a careers event or something. Or there might be a company he could work towards joining.

@Neitheronethingnortheother

?

*I don't see you as people. You are letters on a screen, it doesn't matter to me if you have taken time to respond.

This site is similar to chatgpt to me.

Where I have taken on useful information, including in the form of criticism, I have clicked thanks, or posted 'Thank you :)'.

Where I have not but the post is passionate, I have replied in the hope of getting useful information.*

This is what that poster is reading into this post of yours. I thought I'd missed something big and had to read carefully back through everything to work it out. This poster has a very different take on your words than I do and I don't think you meant it like that.

How would he go if you booked a boxing training session/class for the day he's with you and you were just mater of fact 'common we're going to boxing now and do it together, then game together when we get home?: Or every just went after school pickup? If you do try to get him into some activities like this make sure you find an instructor that has worked with troubled teens and doesn't do anything like yell at them. If he gets in and enjoys something than you could suggest picking him up another day and doing a second session/class. It's a bit down the ways but eventually you're going to need more contact with him to make anything you're trying effective.

Why did he end up back at his Mother's after you had him for 6 months? Not judging, just trying to understand the situation more. You can see from the way it still effects you that abuse causes ongoing problems like he and you are both still suffering.

Going back to the abuser isn't uncommon, for both children and adults, it doesn't mean the trauma is gone. Ex says horrible things about me in front of and to our DC. DS gets involved in these conversations and parrots them back to me. He's too young to understand what Ex is doing. My DD who's older finds it really distressing. I've tried to explain to her why this happens, children can side with the abuser out of fear, not that that's the language I used with her of course.