13 year old son tried to black mail me

[rob38]

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

I have a 13 yo. This is not usual 13yo behaviour

He is not crying out for boundary's. He has boundary's in my care, such as around bedtimes, and few boundary's in his mums care. He chooses to be in his mums care because she sets fewer boundary's.

Nope its not. There are positives such as that he has got lots of friends, but even his friends have been trying to get him to go to school and he hasn't been going in.

A mum who doesn't hit him?

A dad who doesn't equate love with monetary value?

Parents who want to spend time with him and don't bail when he gets 'difficult'?

Yes, this.
He has no security.

I mum who doesnt hit him would be good.

I dont equate money with love. He knows that I love him

He knows that I want to spend time with him. When I bailed on him, the first time I have done that, his behavior improved.

@rob38

Re-read all the comments on this post you have written.

My DD’s school experience was an utter disaster. So I do understand.

You are his parent not his friend.

Why do you not think it’s attention?

Any attention is better than no attention and actually you spent 10-15 minutes telling him you weren’t giving him £20. If he’d have just taken the pen, that 10-15 minutes together wouldn’t have happened.

Look Camhhs are never really any good and are hugely underfunded.
If you have £1000 for presents then you can get a private psychiatrist to assess your son, if he will agree of course.
It could be the terrible time he had on top of puberty/Covid isolation and your break up. That's a lot to deal with and there could be other issues such as ADHD which often become more obvious in secondary.
He has obviously learnt to become hard faced and manipulative in his unhappy home.
If it's money driving him you could offer pocket money for good attendance and no poor behaviour each week.
I think you were shocked seeing that side of his behaviour and reacted wrongly by sending him away.
Maybe see about him spending more time with you or a trip away as well as better Mental Health support. He might be wanting money for vapes or anything if he is in with the trouble crowd.

Consistency is also key, he’s living by 3 sets of rules minimum.

Your Rules
Mums Rules
Schools Rules

Thats a lot of rules to remember.

I understand that kids can seek negative attention. And he has sought negative attention in the past (when I have had him over at the same time as his younger sister) but I give him a lot of attention. I tell him that I love him all the time, ask him to come and stay, I invite him to come with me to activities such as boxing, I play with him, we play Roblox etc.

Yes he is getting inconsistency with rules.

and do you know what, if your child behaves badly and both parents live together, you can't threaten them with 'going back to your mums'.

This child needs some love and consistency.

Can you tag who you’re replying to?
Why have you not gone to court to become the resident parent since his mother is violent?

Have you had a look into ADHD or ASD?

So, the short version is that you reacted to your child's childish behaviour by blackmailing him "Do as I say or I will deprive you of Christmas money and send you back to your mother who hits you".

What a shining example you are. What an excellent student of that example he is.

How do you know it's not attention? All this negative behaviour is rewarding him with a lot of attention, and some children crave any attention even when it's negative. In fact some children are so used to negative attention that's what they prefer as they don't know how to handle positive attention.

From what you've said it sounds like this lad had his whole world turned upside down when his parents split up, even more so when Covid stopped him seeing you and his mum was mistreating him, and then again when contact with you restarted. He doesn't really know what his 'normal' is so he's choosing to live in chaos as at least then he does know the consequences at school for his behaviour. And he won't be thinking any of this consciously so he probably honestly doesn't know why he likes to mess around and get in trouble.

It sounds like he needs very firm boundaries and a very firm routine. And less negative attention. Like others have said, if he's refusing to take the pen then he doesn't take the pen and he gets in trouble at school. A simple 'ok, the pen's there if you want it. Have a good day at school' and leave it at that. Move away from him if he tries to continue the argument. Or try changing the subject. 'While you're at school I'm going to do some Christmas shopping. Your cousin Tom is 8 now, do you have a good idea of a present I can get for him? What about a football? I remember you loved football at that age. Is X still your favourite team?'

I think he would benefit from a firm routine of when he's with mum and when he's with you. And for that not to change due to his behaviour, unless he's so terrible with mum that you're willing to have him full time at yours. Why is he not with you if mum has been hitting him? Was that fully investigated when he was younger? It's tricky because if it's historical abuse then yes it should be reported, but really I would say the point of reporting it would be in the hopes that he'll be removed from mum and given to you. Is that what you want as if it is you won't be able to palm him back off on his mum whenever he plays up. If it was a one off fight with a gobby teenager who was being disrespectful I would say it would be better to talk to his mum about it and about how you can help with his behaviour going forward rather than grassing her up to social services, but obviously if there is history that is a different story.

‘in 2019 I separated from his mother, in 2020 his mother stopped me from seeing him for 9 months. He wasn't aware if I was alive or not through covid. During 2020 his mother hit him relatedly, she refused his requested to see me, his grandmother pretended to film him undressed and threated to send the video to people, his mum used him to commit benefit fraud.’

Would be good if you’d put the reason for your kids trauma responses in the original post. And your reason for not being resident parent after this.

I didn't blackmail him. I said that I had not experienced behavior like that before, that that kind of behavior does not work on me. I said that I had been planning to spend up to £1000 on Christmas presents that day, but I would instead give him £100 for Christmas due to his behavior.

How do you tag people?

It doesn't appear to be ADHD or ASD, he only developed this type of behavior after 2020. There have been no concerns of ADHD or ASD from any of the nurseries or schools he has attended even since he has started misbehaving.

This is a fucking dreadful idea. Especially for a child who is already being physically abused by their mother and is likely traumatised by not knowing whether his father was alive or dead during lockdown. Jesus. Where is your compassion?

and you wonder why he is fucked up @rob38

In 2020, I made an application for emergency custody. In response his mother lied about me being domestically abusive, and outed me as bi. His mother provided no evidence that I had been domestically abusive, and the judge dismissed her claims but the Cafcass officer didn't, and based her opinion that he shouldn't live with me on them. Also in her call with she stated that she didn't think it would be a good idea for my son to live with me as a teenager because I was bi.

But that is really cementing the idea that money is the be all and end all of everything.
'I was going to give you stuff worth X amount but you haven't done what I want so I'm only giving you Y amount.' I know it's difficult but he should not equate your love with monetary amounts. This child doesn't need to know how much money you're willing to spend on him. He needs to know you'll always be there. And your actions are not showing him that.

What is he actually doing “wrong” at school?

My DD got herself into a situation where she was such a pain in the arse that school were trying to micromanage, this made her worse, it then became a vicious circle.

So perhaps look at the data first.

What has he done?
What is the consequence?
Is there a pattern?

I.e Every Science lesson with Mr X he has no homework.