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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

13 year old son tried to black mail me

304 replies

rob38 · 15/12/2023 20:08

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

tdino · 15/12/2023 20:51

@Lilithlogic possibly..

But I've seen this act out in real life.

I would guess rich dad, struggling mum, different standards, complete loss of control. Child playing the, off each other.

tdino · 15/12/2023 20:53

Meanwhile what's the child craving? Attention. How does he get it? By behaving like this

ActDottie · 15/12/2023 20:53

I was sorta agreeing with you until the last bit when you said you told him you were going to only spend £100 not £1000. (Do people really spend £1000 at Christmas on one person??????!?!?)

Can see where he gets using money for manipulation from.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families General parenting

fedupandstuck · 15/12/2023 20:53

It's taken 13 years to get to this state, it takes time, persistence and consistency to reverse. "Getting harsher" with him will simply escalate his behaviours. You need to be more consistent, firm and kind with him.

Original poster

rob38 · 15/12/2023 20:59

What would you suggest then?

I have tried humor
I have tried attention
I have tried positive re-enforcement
Defusing a situation through diversion etc.

My son has skipped most of the last 2 - 3 months of school, and managed to get 6 - 7 suspensions since June, and is behaving this way for fun.

My son's response your above suggestions is to demand £20, and mess around at school.

I haven't taught him bribery, this is the first time I have said I would not spend money on him. He has learnt it at his mothers.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 15/12/2023 21:00

So his first night back with you, in months, and allegedly because of domestic violence, and you ship him off back to his mother because he asked for cash- which you said no. Then told him I'll spend £100 on you for Christmas, not a £1000 and you can go back to your mum cause I'm not dealing with this......probably wasn't the best overall approach. He tried to manipulate, I would t call it blackmail. Your response was closer to that although also manipulative.

2Hot2Handle · 15/12/2023 21:02

Sounds like you’re at the end of your tether with this situation. Just an idea, but have you tried sitting down with him and asking him why he is so unhappy and what he wants out of life that would make it better? Ignore the school situation. He’s acting up for a reason, because he wants you to know he’s angry about something that’s bigger than having to go to school. Is anyone giving him the chance to fully talk it out, without interrupting?

If he says silly stuff like, “I want lots of money”, follow it up with questions around what he expects and why. Point out he’s a very angry person and you want to help make things better, but you can only do that if you know what’s really going on in his head.

Original poster

rob38 · 15/12/2023 21:02

It wasn't his first night back in months. His behavior has to improve somehow and I as with everyone else involved have tried everything.

OP posts:

tdino · 15/12/2023 21:04

NO. He has not learnt this at his mother's. He has learnt this because of the broken relationship between you both. And even on the little you have said I can see you are not able to positively parent on your own.

You don't even need to go into the whole did what, he said she said, the fact is the child has picked up on this and is now practicing that behaviour against you both.

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 15/12/2023 21:05

2Hot2Handle · 15/12/2023 21:02

I think this is what needs to happen.

Original poster

rob38 · 15/12/2023 21:07

I have tried to ask him, and talked to him about what is going on as have his school and Camhs. He went through a very tough time in 2020, but there is nothing that I can pinpoint apart from he developed a lack or empathy and since he was 12 has been interested in more antisocial activity such as hacking, messing around at school etc.

OP posts:

Dymaxion · 15/12/2023 21:07

I can't believe you are allowing yourself, a fully grown adult, to be outwitted by a 13yr old.
My answer would be ' what next ? £20 for wiping your own arse ? ' Maybe you should suggest a party for the event, balloon arch and everything, nice photoshoot etc, rob38's son has managed to Boss some life goals #wipingmyownarse ?
Seriously though, no 13yr old needs 1k spending on them at Christmas, what they need is to feel safe and loved, even if they are behaving like the world's biggest knob with extra festive sprinkles.

takealettermsjones · 15/12/2023 21:07

I feel sorry for this kid. He's raging about something. My suggestion would be to try to find out what that is of course, but in the meantime, give him a healthy outlet. Does he do any sport for instance? Would he e.g. go boxing or to rugby etc?

takealettermsjones · 15/12/2023 21:09

Drip feed. It would help to know what the tough time in 2020 was about, even vaguely. So the bad behaviour started after that?

Original poster

rob38 · 15/12/2023 21:09

Yes he is interested in boxing and I have been trying to encourage him to go boxing with me

OP posts:

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 21:10

rob38 · 15/12/2023 20:43

That doesn't work. I do appreciate advice. His response to me laughing and saying 'you heard what I said' would be 'dont f*cking laugh at me, give me £20'

I know it's not right, but if I'd said that, I'd have got a smack round the head.

Original poster

rob38 · 15/12/2023 21:12

I was his best friend when he was little, in 2019 I separated from his mother, in 2020 his mother stopped me from seeing him for 9 months. He wasn't aware if I was alive or not through covid. During 2020 his mother hit him relatedly, she refused his requested to see me, his grandmother pretended to film him undressed and threated to send the video to people, his mum used him to commit benefit fraud.

OP posts:

WhamBamThankU · 15/12/2023 21:14

Pretty shitty to dump him and his stuff at his mums

MumChp · 15/12/2023 21:15

So you rewarded him with money for acting up? Good job.... or?

SaturdayGiraffe · 15/12/2023 21:16

You’ve both taught him this:

”I don’t want you.”

Children are designed for attachment. They NEED you to love them, care for them. Their worst concept is abandonment.

And that’s what you’ve each taken turns doing.

You need some parenting guidance, or this boy will never feel connected to you. And no, you can’t throw money at him to fix it.

Original poster

rob38 · 15/12/2023 21:16

That's the issue PaulaPocket, is that I would have got a smack round the head as I think many other children would have. Up to this point I have tried everything modern parenting suggest you try such as PACE, as have everyone else and nothing works. Playfulness, humor etc. seem to have emboldened him to act negatively as there are have been no serious consequences to his actions.

OP posts:

MaryMcI · 15/12/2023 21:16

The $1000 is way too much. Somehow your son has the idea that you have money, which he can access by this behaviour. So no more spending except on necessities. If he sees you spending ££££, he will know that you have it and he is pushing boundaries to try and get it.

I also wonder what happened in 2020 and whether the behaviour has started then. What is going on in school that he is skipping it? Is it the case that another school would be better? What are his aspirations for a job or career?

Sending him to the other parent because you don’t like his behaviour or as some kind of punishment is completely unfair as well; you and his mum need to work together to support him and help with whatever is causing this behaviour.

LakeTiticaca · 15/12/2023 21:17

If my son behaved like this he would be getting sweet FA except a thick ear, just like I would if I attempted to control my parents like many kids seem to these days

Original poster

rob38 · 15/12/2023 21:19

We haven't, I repeatedly ask him to stay, and have repeatedly asked him to come and live with me. This is the first time I have dropped him at his mums.

And .... this week after I dropped him at his mums he went into school the next day and behaved all day, which is the first time that has happened since the beginning of September.

OP posts:

MaryMcI · 15/12/2023 21:19

Sorry I cross-posted with your explanation of what happened in 2020.
In what possible way did you think saying you would drop his stuff off at his mum’s was a good way to respond?!?

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