13 year old son tried to black mail me

[rob38]

My son mostly lives with his mother, he has missed most of the last two - three months of school. Since June when he has been in school he has had a detention nearly every day and has had 5 or 6 suspensions. He has had support from Camhs but just seems to be acting this way for fun, and has repeatedly told me he is choosing to mess around.

On Tuesday he stayed over with me after he said that his mother had hit him and he had hit her back (he has a social worker at the moment who I reported this to).

I got him up for school on Wednesday morning, and found him a pen to take as he didn't have a pencil case with him, and his teachers had complained about him coming to class without a pen. He refused to take the pen unless I gave him £20, I though he was joking and said to him 'are you joking? I hope you are joking', to which he replied he wasn't. He then said that he was going to mess around at school unless I gave him £20. I am aware that he blackmails his mum, and I said to him that that does not work on me and that I wanted him to tell me that he was joking, to which he said he wasnt.

I explained to him how much distress his behavior had been causing everyone and that I could not believe he was acting this way with me.

On that day I had planned to go Christmas shopping for him and was going to spend up to $1000. After more attempts at blackmail in the car I said to him that I was going to drop his stuff off at his mums, that he doesn't behave like that with me, and that I was going to give him £100 for Christmas instead of spending £1000.

I'd also like to add, that it is quite common for children to experience trauma as young kids but it not seem to affect them until they're teenagers. Your brain goes through many changes in the teen years and past trauma can really affect teen behaviour.

@WetTowelsWillRemainOnFloorWhereTheyHaveBeenLeft

When he first started to develop this behavior, I got him support from Camhs which is a child and adult mental health service run by the NHS. He has had support from them.

I would love for him to live with me and he is aware of that. I see his little sister twice a week.

@rob38 why are you asking for advice if you aren't interested in what other parents are suggesting, and you think that just being more harsh is the way to go?

This sounds massively elaborated & embellished, sorry. You're making yourself sound like one of those bitter dads in court who make loads of false accusations or hugely embellish things the mother has done to make her look & sound worse. I can spot it a mile off

@fedupandstuck

Because this is a difficult situation, and someone might suggest something I hadn't thought of.

@GladioliandSweetPeas

Its not embellished so you obviously cant spot it a mile off.

Which people have and you don't seem interested in engaging, tbh.

You seem completely puzzled as to what's going on with your son, when it's blindingly obvious he's been traumatised at a formative age and has not had consistent authoritative parenting.

@fedupandstuck

I am engaging with you, I am aware that he is traumatized

Yes but engaging would mean taking ownership and stepping up and accepting that sending his son back to an abuser when he misbehaves isn't appropriate 🙄

I think this is all quite a mess. It’s not lost though.

My daughter’s school life was horrendous. All relatively fine until Year 9 - Year 11.

This is what I did, I’m not saying it’s right but it worked to a point for us:

Home -

Written and visible list of rules and boundaries, no punishments as such, but constant, calm conversations about why XYZ was not acceptable and what was acceptable in that conversation. Simple, clear, sentences. I.e Please do not talk to me like that. I do not like it. It isn’t very nice. Come back when you can ask politely. Thank you. (Leave the area). Over and over and over and over and over again.

School -

Analysed the school data, checked for a pattern. In front of my child I always supported the school. In writing I followed up with anything I disagreed with. We had a good relationship all things considered.

Whilst as a family we had no major events, my daughter struggled massively with anxiety. She has ASD and probably ADHD. It started after COVID really, academically she struggled anyway, then she’d miss lessons and get further behind, leave lessons as didn’t understand, get suspended, even further behind. And then the gap just gets bigger and bigger every day.

@fedupandstuck

Tell me how to parent a traumatized child that responds to love, security, empathy by taking advantage, and responds to me acting harshly by behaving better

@Neitheronethingnortheother

Yes it was crap, but it worked when supportive parenting, support from teachers etc. hasn't for months.

Responding harshly isn’t spending £100 instead of a £1000 though.

A harsh consequence is no phone, no tech, no tv for a week/fornight/month.

🤔

You've been told.

Don't send him or threaten to send him back to an environment where he is physically abused and has been emotionally abused in the past.

Don't engage in the attention seeking behaviour and get drawn into arguments.

Make your expectations clear and any consequences clear and reasonable. Make sure they are known upfront. Don't invent consequences on the fly. Follow through with the consequences, but with kindness.

Spend time with him and listen to whatever he wants to talk about.

Get him more counselling.

Push for legal full residency with you on the grounds of his mother's physical abuse.

And so on.

@Notchangingnameagain

I have tried screen bans etc. and he leaves my house and goes to his mums

Oh and you will need to be consistent - ie stick with it permanently. A few months is nothing in the scale of the issue. It's going to take a long time and a lot of input to sort this. Especially if his mother is still abusive and he still is willing to stay at her house.

@fedupandstuck

I appreciate that but apart from sending him back to his mums on this occasion, I do all of those things.

@rob38 you say my son...is behaving this way for fun.'

There might be an element of fun in this for him and also a sense of power and control but fundamentally he is desperate for attention, boundaries and consistent parenting.

As long as you and your ex send him backwards and forwards between his two homes, chop and change in your parenting styles, play games with one another's lives and attempt to bribe him into good behaviour he will continue to act out. His parents, who should be his rocks, have created chaos in his life and he is reacting to it.

Man up here. If your ex can't give him the secure consistent boundaries he needs, you need to do it. All the time, not just when you think he deserves it.

one thing that struck me is that in your many posts the word love only came up once when you said "he knows I love him'. How does he know this? Because your behaviour towards him strikes me as based on quid pro quo transactions rather than strict but loving and reliable parenting.

If he messes around at school it's him that gets into trouble nobody else. He wouldn't be getting anything at all for Christmas off me if he was my kid.

kid needs consistency and discipline, boundaries, not money.

@Middleagedmeangirls

I tell him that I love him all the time, I show interest in his life, spend time with him in activities he enjoys like gaming, and ask him to come and stay more

Do you mean an Emergency Protection Order? If so, on what grounds did you make this application? Your story about the judge dismissing your son's mother's claims but CAFCASS overruling the judge on the basis of some apparently trumped up accusation all sounds very garbled. I feel very sorry for your son as the piggy in the middle between two problematic adults.

He missed the last few months at school and you were intending to spend £1,000 on him at Christmas?

WTF????

He has no punishments at home? The words horse stable door and bolted comes to mind.

@UnJardinSurLeTwat

I cant remember but it was an emergency application for custody