I have come to the conclusion that I am not a great parent and I don't really enjoy it

[pruners]

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Pruners, how old is your son? He sounds very similar to my little boy. I also relate with a lot of what you've said (((reluctantly does the Netmums Hun thing and offers Pruners a hug)))

Pruners, parenting does suck the life out of you, it's draining and repetitive and boring, as well as fascinating, engrossing and utterly absorbing

You are not alone

Oh, i am sorry you are feeling down.

I feel like this too. I have 2 dds, and while they are lovely, I am very disappointed by the parent i am sometimes.

Got to put them to bed now, but I didn't want oyu to go unanswered.

I don't really know what to say to you, but I know exactly what you mean.

dont worry it will pass they get better try imaging you have a 18month old too!!

I get where you are coming from. Ds is not an easy child either - bossy, overbearng, doesn't really get how to socialise with other children and very often I feel I could cheerfully throw the towel in. Even when we are not in social situations, he and his sister bicker so much I feel I'm in danger of going mad. I feel a total failure as a parent as somehow this behaviour must come from dh and I, but don't feel I have the engery much of the time to tackle it. I don't like playing games with them and making train track is mind numbingly boring. I worry endlessly they they will grow up to be antisocial freaks because of me. I've been no help at all, but I do understand!

I think we all have visions that we will be the perfect parent but the reality is not like that. Parenting can be boring and when you are bored you don't always do your best. I'm sure you are a lot better than you think you are. I saw a thread (by mears I think) the other day and she said she felt that when she was bringing up her kids she shouted etc and yet her grown up children rated their childhood as being 10/10. Kids just need to feel loved they don't expect you to be perfect because they cant achieve perfection either!

Pruner - I think lots of people know exactly how you feel. Is this a recent thing or have you always felt like this? I found that age quite hard - I preferred them as toddlers and again a bit older.

High maintenance is hard work - is he at school?

pruners I know exactly what you mean about feeling the noise as a physical thing. I have never come across anyone else who experienced that.
When I need head space and the kids are going on and on, fighting whining, screaming or even just calling out 'mum' each time they make a noise i feel like I am being punched, I feel completely beaten up physically, it's odd.

I know what you mean, and I have 3 of them. Most days I definately think no. 3 was a baby too far, although actually he is the loveliest, easiest one of them all.

If it's any help at all, your DS sounds very much like my first one was at four, and things have improved for him dramatically since he started school. Well, reception was a bit dodgy, but much better since then - he's 7 now. Still quirky, a whirlwind, has social issues, but extremely bright and, more importantly, accepted in his school. I worry for his future a bit, he's always going to have "issues" I think, but when i remember what he was like, and how I felt about him at four, it's so much better now.

Aside from him though, I often wish I hadn't had three children at the moment. Every day is an endurance. It's really bloody hard.

Its ok. I think its far healthier to feel like this and admit it than to keep up the appearance of being ubermum, I really do. Don't feel like you have to live up to some internalised idea of perfection - your ds will love you and so long as you are not being actually abusive or too neglectful, you are doing a bloody good job!

I feel the same most of the time. I adore my dd, but could cheerfully walk out if given the chance (really, yes REALLY). Most of the time, I want to screeeeeeeaaaaam at the sound of her little voice asking yet another little question. I hear myself going on at her to go away and be quiet, and I think to myself, You wanted her, how can you wish her away like this?

But in reality I (and you too I'm sure) don't wish them away. We love them dearly and fiercely.

Have a glass of wine, and go easy on yourself!

Do you have any chance of a couple of full days childcare? I found parenting became SO much easier when I had two full days 9-5 'off' (at work). Depending on the hours you work & your income then you might get quite a bit of the cost paid by Tax Credits (& you can earn more than you might think before the help runs out).

As well as 'time out' for me I think that the change of scene made DD happier and more easy to amuse when at home - she came home with her head full of new things & different people.

Our childminder was great, no problem to turn up with a child in pyjamas & a box of cereal cos they wouldn't get dressed or eat breakfast. She had around 6 to 7 children and one or two helpers depending on numbers, which was ideal for us - a nice homelike atmosphere, but enough different kids that they could run around and play in a gang.

Oh Pruners. Couldit be possible that you are a bit depressed? (I'm a broken record I know)

Oh god yes, the noise goes right through me like a poison dart. I sometimes have to bellow over it to tell her to BE QUIET, because its making me feel sick and claustrophobic.

Being pecked to death by ducks, I have heard it described as.

Oops, just seen that your DS is 4 yrs old. My son is 3 yrs old and a handful. Well, I say that, but to be honest I struggle sometimes with deciding whether or not it's my son who is a handful, or me who isn't coping very well with him (although I suspect it is a bit of both...)

DS is very bright, affectionate, a very special little boy, really, but not an 'easy' child - extremely willful, doesn't cope well with groups, prone to violent outbursts and tantrums, and I can't really take him to organised classes either. He is so physically strong that when he kicks off I struggle quite badly to control him (and I am nearly 6 feet tall!). Also, he hasn't grown out of the 'escape artist' phase that everyone promised me he would do about a year ago! If I let go of his hand, he darts off at a frightening speed, with no sense of danger, which means he is still strapped in a buggy or tied to my wrist on outings (which he finds frustrating). I do feel a failure as am parent sometimes. I'm certainly not the super mum I thought I'd be...but who is?

Oops, just seen that your DS is 4 yrs old. My son is 3 yrs old and a handful. Well, I say that, but to be honest I struggle sometimes with deciding whether or not it's my son who is a handful, or me who isn't coping very well with him (although I suspect it is a bit of both...)

DS is very bright, affectionate, a very special little boy, really, but not an 'easy' child - extremely willful, doesn't cope well with groups, prone to violent outbursts and tantrums, and I can't really take him to organised classes either. He is so physically strong that when he kicks off I struggle quite badly to control him (and I am nearly 6 feet tall!). Also, he hasn't grown out of the 'escape artist' phase that everyone promised me he would do about a year ago! If I let go of his hand, he darts off at a frightening speed, with no sense of danger, which means he is still strapped in a buggy or tied to my wrist on outings (which he finds frustrating). I do feel a failure as am parent sometimes. I'm certainly not the super mum I thought I'd be...but who is?

"I live inside my head a lot of the time and some days (like today) every noise feels physical."

I don't have any solutions, but just wanted to say that I really relate to this. Also the whole can't live with them/can't live without them thing during the tough times.

I think 4 is particularly tough - I remember ds1 (now 6) going through a horrendously stroppy period around 4 years old - I think they get a boost of hormones or something around this age, don't they? Sure seem like moody little teenagers some times, anyway.

I think mostly that when I feel like that, I just try and take it day by day, or if that doesn't work hour by hour... minute by minute if necessary. It's so easy just to drown in despair if you try to look ahead too far, and the reality is that they do change over time (and bring whole new challenges just as you got used to the old ones.. heh).

I do find though that I'm enjoying parenting a school age child, and am finding myself really looking forward to my 3 year old (who is 4 in May, heaven help me) starting school this September. Every few months the care becomes slighly less physical and draining and more mental/emotional which I find I enjoy more. I love going for a walk with my 6 year old and having in depth chats about how far away the moon is, or what it would be like to have a dinosaur as a pet... have fallen in love with him all over again now I can see his mind developing and started to share HIS inner world.

Hang on in there.

Oh, I used to refer to this stage as the F-ing Fours, if that helps?

Pruni, I will email you. Until then

Parenting is can be frustrating and strength-sapping, and does create its own kind of psychological stress - plus I think there is immense pressure, be it from without or within, to enjoy any minute, which just isn't possible.

every, not any minute.

Kerry think there could be something in that!

KerryMum - have contacted MNHQ and nominated that for quote of the week Spot on... spot on...

Gosh, you all have summed up what I also felt at times. I think some kids are easier that others.

My DD was a handful and it sapped my energy and everyones elses that came to visit . Its only now that I look back and wish I could have enjoyed her more rather than trying to get her to comply. Sometimes I just wanted her to do what was asked when but it was always a struggle. Then there are the reactions. "Take her in hand". "She will run rings round you" blah blah blah. I now feel so guilty and wish I'd perhaps understood that she was different to most children and parented accordingly. It's a strange statement re different I know.

Now she is in her teens there is no running rings round me and all the doom and gloom (so far). She's lovely most of the time, not perfect no child is. She's very different to her peers not in a geeky way, just so sensible, caring and compliant with reason.

Its interesting that when I ask her how she felt as a 4 to 11 year old being told to do without question because I'm the adult she said she felt humiliated and is so much happier now she is treated as in a more grown up manner with her own opinions.

Dont want to get slated but it can often be the brightest children that are the hardest.

oh pruni.

You know, you've said there that ds is bright and interesting - you must be doing something right you know.

That age IS difficult. I know other people have said that and you're probably fed up of reading it but when you have a child who has challenging behaviour, age 3/4 is often a flash point for that behaviour. They aren't big enough to be school age and they aren't small enough to be toddlers any more - it's a whole social minefield and a lot to do with learning how to behave and with challenging behaviour, that's not easy!

We never did tumbletots or monkey music or anything. There's no way ds would have coped with that. Absolutely no way. And in fact, the only way I managed with him was because I had an easier-going-but-challenging-in-other-ways dd who kept me sane. I'm sure if I'd just had ds, I probably would have been checking us all in to family therapy .

I think you're too hard on yourself pruni. This isn't your fault and you aren't a bad or worse parent in any way for feeling like you do.

If you are worried, maybe it is worth getting him assessed? Perhaps it might pinpoint something that would help or put your mind at ease?