I have come to the conclusion that I am not a great parent and I don't really enjoy it

[pruners]

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Pruni I feel for you, I know a little bit how you feel, although DD is only 8 mo. I too live in my head a lot. I feel inadequate and just plain done in sometimes. The other day I went to sainsbo's on my own and got back into the carpark at home and just sat in the car and didn't want to go back into the flat.

Do you work pruni, do you get a chance to get a break? He'll go to school soon (yay!) do you think things will be a bit easier then?

I don't have any experience of kids of that age so can't help really but just wanted to offer my support and some virtual choccie here you go

I think living in your head is not such a bad thing... I do a lot of that. It's just making sure you have contact with some people out of your own head too to stop your thoughts running away with themselves.

Pruners, are you ok ?

[concerned]

just saying hello. feeling for you. certainly recognise large chunks of what you say.

It's hard. It's bloody hard. I'm counting the seconds till DH gets home with the wine!

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Pruni I wondered on reading your OP, and then also reading the replies - maybe almost all of us feel a bit like this (similar to that impostor syndrome thing at work, where you feel secretly crap and are sure someone's eventually going to notice).

We have this idea of a model parent somewhere being on top of it all and not having that exhausted/rubbish feeling. But I think that's a composite image made up of all the good advice we hear and all the supernanny type images and yummy mummy pretences. In fact, it's just hard work isn't it.

I so relae to the "you're the boss" thing - I try all the time and very hard to have proper boundaries and be firm but fair and consistent blah blah with DS (nearly 3 and like yours very bright, sparky and lovely, but with no off switch) but I still battle with him all the time, either overtly or with endless distracting/persuading/etc. attempts. I feel that I just naturally lack innate authority. He has no belief that he should just do what I say and at some level I can see how he feels. I will never be one of those parents who just raises an eyebrow and they fall into line.

I do think it can just get to you at times and a chat/glass of wine/some support can help a lot - I hope that's true for you too.

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I think we all feel like this sometimes. I feel like it most of the time actually if Im honest. Im a teacher and used to love the summer holidays before I had my kids. Now all I think is ... Oh no six weeks home alone with the kids. And then I feel terrible because they are cute, funny, loving etc etc but motherhood isn't what I thought it would be. My children are lively and demanding. I really tryad n play with them - I know all the theory about attention seeking! - but they always seem to want more than I can give.
DH and I went away for a week together without them last month. Myt mum looked after them and I missed them loads. I missed thier hugs, kisses, laughter, funny conversations but I also really loved being on our own without them. didn't someone say earlier ... cant live with em ....
Before my ds, who is particularly hard work, came along I thought those peopl who walked away from their lives (you know the went out for a packet of fags adn never came back lot) were mad but actually there have been times when I have thought that I could actually do it. then i feel sad and guilty etc

"impostor syndrome" - is that similar to the feeling that really you're still only playing 'house' and that sooner or later a responsible adult is going to notice how incompetent you are and sweep in to take over?

And I still don't know what I want to be when I'm grown up...

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I do think that some people are suited to different stages of parenting. I think I was very good up until the 6 months stage. I loved it. I'm hopiong I'll be goo at / enjoy the teenage years. A friend of mine has grown up children and she says she honestly didn't get pleasure from parenting till her children were in their late teens and the older they get the closer she feels to thema dn the better parent she feels she is.

I think it does detract of course, I wouldn't feel guilty about that. You want children and you make that choice - it's then inevitable that you will sometimes think about what you can't do and can't have. I adore my DP and DS and I think I get a lot from being a parent and being in a family, and in fact I think it's right for me overall - but I do also have a fantasy life where I stayed single, have a lovely flat to myself, go on mindblowing expensive holidays with chums and I even fantasise about things like choosing my own fancy bedlinen without consulting anyone. Sounds mad but there it is in my head, the other me that I could have been.

i'm sure the stages thing is right, owwlias. I do hope that we will know when the stages we are good at come along, though. Sometimes I think it's just when they decide to be lovely for a few days, nothing to do with us.

OWWLIAS: that's EXACTLY how I feel - it felt like a revelation when ds1 hit school age (about Y1). So much more like fun. I found that up to age 2 with both dses passed in a blur of tears, fears and stress that I was doing everything wrong. 3-4 was hard but was starting to become less physically draining. 5 onwards, I definitely got into the swing of parenthood far more.

That's not to say I didn't enjoy moments of babyhood, toddlerhood, pre-schoolerdom ... and I still look back and sigh that they're growing up so fast and that I didn't make the most of when they were small. But I also feel a lot of relief that ds2 is rapidly approaching school age.

I'm sure some people do enjoy it but most of them are pretty glad to get the kids in bed at night. Dh and I feel pretty much the same as each other, like you, we put a lot of effort in, but sometimes it really does our heads in, always trying to do the right thing. I think it's so wearing because we're always trying to live up to some impossible high standard of parenting and happiness.

Now that parents are responsible for every little thing in their DCs' lives, it puts a huge pressure on.

I often feel really guilty because I'm almost wishing away the early years (DSs aged 1 & 3) because they are such a hard slog. Yet everyone goes on about how great they are.

Sounds to me like you need to share the burden - I don't think it's good for kids to be with just one person day in day out (so shoot me SAHMs...)

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Yes I often think about the other me! I would have done great things i think - but I wasn't doing anyhting fabulous before I had kids. The trouble is you don't know how precious the time is before you have kids (at least I didn't) so i didn't make the best of it.

Agree with RubberDuck and OldWoman. Cross-posted

Pruners - I think we all feel this from time to time. DD is only 18m and I am loving this age but I know we will go through other testing times as she grows up and I dread them as I struggled when she was smaller.

It is nice to know I am not alone, I hope it gives you some comfort too.

Rubberduck - I loved your post about falling in love with him all over again, I feel that atm with DD. Suddenly I hate going to work as it means missing her laughter and smiles. Although I get a couple of days a week without the tantrums too

I really feel for you Pruners, I so understand where you are coming from.

My situation is slightly different but has some similarities - I have 3 DDs aged 9, 4 and 18 months, a part time job and a husband away at sea with the Navy. My 4 year old has SN and is developmentally like a 2.5 year old, so lately we have been having so many tantrums over everything - getting dressed, having breakfast, putting her shoes on, getting in the car, getting out of the car, etc etc ad nauseaum all day long. (She can't talk which doesn't help.) I sometimes find myself wishing away the hours till bedtime. I love her (and all my girls) more than words can say but if someone came along and said here you go Sidge, I'm off with them and I'll bring them back in 24 hours I would weep with relief. Just a day off from the demands and drudgery would be bliss.

I know I'm a good mum, my girls are so loved and we do have fun, but like you I often find parenting such hard work.

Why don't they warn us about all this before we have kids??

oh pruni

you don't need chocolate, you need whisky

I have nothign to help, I'm afraid

sometimes it just sucks

I totally understand the noise as a physical thing. You described it for me. When my DD whinges as she does quite abit these days it feels like someone is pinching the inside of my head. When DS shouts and screams because DD took one of his toys my stress levels shoot through the roof within about one second and I dont seem able to stop myself yelling at him because I am so desperate for the noise to stop. Maybe it is a medical condition.

I dont have anything to add I just wanted you to know that I understood.

Pruni - I once read a quote that said 'If being a parent doesn't live up to your expectations, then change your expectations!'

In many ways what you are describing as your feelings at the moment, are around doing just that. You are slowly rejecting the model of 'perfect parent' that you either wanted for yourself, or see other parents around you being (arf)! In it's place you are building a model of parenting that is responsive to that which your child needs, rather than that Perfect Peter needs.

Perhaps you need to live in your head a bit more, not less! Spend some time mulling it all over - what kind of parent do I want to be - what kind of parent does DH want to be - what kind of parents does DS want us to be?