I have come to the conclusion that I am not a great parent and I don't really enjoy it

[pruners]

Message withdrawn

pruners: re the change of activity. Ds1 went through a difficult time in reception because he struggled if they deviated from normal routine at all (they had a special activity week in different classrooms to normal and he just completely stopped coping - wet himself a couple of times... spent an afternoon crying his heart out, etc).

The reception staff were brilliant and made a special effort to forewarn him of any changes (i.e. before change of activity or even up to 48 hours before a major change like play practise or whatever, reminding him regularly over those 2 days that it was going to happen). It made such a difference and he settled in very quickly after they made those changes of notification.

Funnily enough, even now at 6 he still needs to know what is happening now in advance (where his brother is happy enough to wing it and see what happens) but will deal with it easily enough if things don't go quite to plan. I think some children just don't cope with those transitions very well without some outside assistance.

I truly believe that the baby/toddler years are paradoxically both the best and the worst years of your life.

No good listening to what works for other people, just do whatever gets you through the day and look forward to when full-time schooling beckons...

There is a medical condition called hyperacusis that is characterised by an inability to tolerate everyday sounds.

Pruners - thanks for your OP. I have a 4.6 yo DD who never, ever shuts up and an 18 mo old DD who the last day or so has started having tantrums every 5 minutes. I shout more than both of them combined and often give thanks that we do not live in the UK as the neighbours (who don't speak my language so luckily don't understand the actual words I'm shouting) would have reported me to Social Services by now if we did.
Every day I promise myself 'I'll be a nice, good mama today' and too many days I don't even last 20 minutes before losing it.

I hope they remember the good moments when they are grown up, like yesterday when I actually gave them each a choc-chip biscuit (The astonished joy on their little faces was worth it! Normally it's rice cakes and water here!) or our picnic in the park today where we found some huge toads and tadpoles in an irrigation ditch, and not the shouting and threatening to walk out that happens too often. I seem to do a sort of 'schizophrenia style' of parenting where one minute I'm getting it all right and the next I'm a monster.

It is totally exhausting. I feel like my self is being held hostage somewhere and I'm allowed only infrequent and limited contact with my mind.

Hang on in there...

Hi Pruners this is my first time on Mumsnet. I can relate to a lot of what you have said, and selfishly it does make me feel better. Thank you for being so honest and open, having read alot of the responses I think you have made a lot of people feel more confident and normal.I do think as Mums we beat ourselves up over everything we do, we over analise things and in the end always feel guilty whatever we do with our children. before we have children we are told it is the most wonderful thing anyone can do, which it is, but it is also the hardest and the most responsible job in the world, so don't for one minute feel guilty or feel that you're not a good Mum just because you struggle at times and don't constantly feel its the most wonderful thing in the world.I hope reading these messages has made you feel that you are not alone and gained some comfort from that!

Hello pruners. Dh and I were tyalking about this, this morning.
Ds(4) is driving us both mad. He seems to have started talking in a really loud voice ( I have a very loud voice too). We went out yesterday and he drove us nutty, running off.
Dh says he is so sweet, and then somtimes does things which are ..... really quite, well, nasty.
I tried to tell dh that it was all part of it and it was a constant hurdle and we would carry on.
I sympathise with you totally.

Hi pruners, I can relate to everything you said. Ds is 5 and omg is he hard work sometimes, even if he can also be really sweet. He is constantly testing boundaries and whilst I do try to be calm and consistent sometimes I just flip and yell until my throat hurts. A simple thing such as taking him shopping with me just seems impossibly hard.

He also reacts very badly to change and since we not only moved abroad last year but also moved house things have not been good.

Don't really have any advice, although things do improve a bit when I take the time to talk through his behaviour with him - we are having issues at his kindergarten atm, and try to make him feel special. Nothing seems to have a lasting effect though.

someone once since ro me 'I love my child but I don't really like motherhood,' and I know exactely what she means

My mum always says to me that children 'use you up'. I think it's a battle pruners, specially with a demanding and high maintenance child, to keep a part of yourself and guard it and just not let it be used up.

It's hard because the instincts of being a mum go against this but I think it's worth thinking about...

it sounds glib but I think time out of the home doing things just for you, is one way of trying to keep the 'using up' at bay...and make sure that others in your family know how you're finding it and MAKE them help

My dd's 9 months old and probably considered to be an 'easy' baby. I always knew I wanted children, even if she was say, 10 years too early lol. I remember not long after having her thinking 'is this it?' The whole 'I love my kid, but don't like motherhood' rings very true for me. People are usually quite shocked by that, or have been in my experience.

It's draining, repetitive and boring to say the least at times. And like the OP, I have weeks where everything is sunshine and buttercups, and then it'll all go to s**t. The screaming and shouting at you for whatever it is they need, can make you feel like you're being pounded with a mallet with every sound.

For me, yes I've found motherhood to be a huge dissapointment. I wouldn't change it or my dd for anything as she is so precious to me, but sometimes I do want to cash it all in for a day or two and just get back to basics, when it was just me.

I struggle and question myself all the time, but you only have to look at dd to know she's well looked after, loved and thriving. She is only 9mo and sometimes I do have to wonder how I'll cope in a few years time. Nervous breakdown? - probably!

Every mother doubts and questions, some just aren't brave enough to admit it. What you're feeling sounds very normal to me, I blame all the child rearing books and 'practical' parenting books you can buy when your preggers etc. They all depict happiness and how great it all is, they just left out the other half of the less happy truth which is - it's feckin tough and sometimes, you'll want to lob yourself at a brick wall to drown out the 'MUM!'

I completely emphasis. I have a challenging 4-yo DS and he has sucked the life out of me on many occasions.

Now I have a newborn DS too and I feel guilty for finding the baby a lot easier than his brother. I used to feel that babies were confusing and hard work because they couldn't talk... Now I feel they're easier for that same reason!

FWIW I love that you posted as I really had felt I was alone.

I also start every day thinking, "OK, today I'll get it right." But then he refuses to get his own clothes on and it all starts again.

Some mornings I can be so much fun and do hings like hide his clothes around the sitting room and invent these funny rhyming (yes! rhyming! Go me) clues to where they'rte hidden. The next I'm shouting, "JUST GET YOUR CLOTHES ON OR YOU WILL GOING TO SCHOOL NAKED."

Sigh.

Pruners, gosh this thread has got long and I have only scanned most of the really reassuring posts.

I also went down the assisted conception route with a couple of "false starts" along the way.

I wanted motherhood sooooo much and didn't have any idea that is is actually 90% slog, 9% boredom and 1% wonderful.

1% keeps us going.

I don't fancy the alternative.

i've just read this whole post and ca't believe really that everyone feels the same as I do! I really did think it was only me who struggles to enjoy parenting and wishes for the life i had before dd, but the misses her as soon as we are apart!

dd is now 19mths and going through a very dificult time! she is SO strong willed and physically strong that i struggle to hold her when she is tantrumming, wont get in the car or get dressed etc etc! she will only do things in her own time. it wears me down everyday and i do sometimes count the hours down to bedtime and i do enjoy your part time job, but then once she's in bed or i'm at work i'd do anything for a cuddle with her and just to see her little smile.

Motherhood is a crazy up and down rollercoaster that you can't get off and even if you could you'd get straight back in the queue to go round again!

if i'd read this thread before having dd, i wouldve thought 'yeah yeah it can't be that hard! what u all moaning about!' but it really is the most difficult but rewarding job in the world

My Ds is 4 and after a weekend of tears and tantrums (from all family members )I was feeling very similar to all these posts. However a day spent at work dealing with an extermely dysfunctional mother (there are on going social issues which are being effectively dealt with) reinforced my faith in my parenting skills and just how lucky my children are.
Bit of an emtreme example, but there are people out there who just don't have any idea on how to raise a child and I think we are at the other end of the spectrum, worrying about perfection.

haven't read whole thread but hope you are feeling better! tbh i think the problem begins when folk define themselves as parents. i don't think there are particularily good and bad parents we can only go with what we are. you have children and life goes on. as for enjoying it. again i think that is more to do with enjoying life generally.

feel free to come round and shout at me about this pruners!

I haven't read the whole thread, just op and a few more replies, but OMG is it nice to know the feelings I have are normal. DD is 3 (4 in June) and I find the inane round of questions and constant demands very tiring. I too would like to escape at every possible opportunity but when I'm not with my family I miss them all this parenting lark is just a minefield . I do love my dc's very much and would not be without them.

Pruners - as you have seen you are not alone, this morning DS2(4) had a tantrum because I had not given him porridge (like DS1) even though he doesn't like it The machinations of a 4 year old boys mind are beyond our reason.

My DS1 hated tumbletots and swimming lessons at 4, think of all the money you are saving that you can spend on coffee shops and clothes

me too! me too!

dd has just turned 2 and is this bizarre mixture of adorable and unbearable. ah the guilt i feel every day. why is everything such hard work? I can't even catch her to get her dressed or put her coat on most of the time. She doesn't listen to the 10 billion 'come here's and 'will you please stand still while mummy does x, y or z?' and no-one i ever meet seems to have these bloody problems the m&t groups and the playgroup she's started going to are full of relaxed, chilled women with 2 or more kids just chatting, enjoying life, well turned out, probably look 10 yrs younger than they are, that kind of thing. Whereas i'm 26 and look completely sh*t all the bloody time. I'm just exhausted and drained and the one or two things i do try and do to 'keep a part of myself for myself' just knacker me out even more, so much so that i end up horizontal with a migraine most evenings. great fun.

i agree, i love my daughter, but motherhood? it seems i'm too much in the moment to ever enjoy it. the whole thing's just one stress after another, jsut trying to make sure she doesn't fatally injure herself...

Pruners can't read all the replies, seem to be really good ones, will come back later and read them.

Just wanted to say I have 4 year old twin boys and just wanted to say I know where you're coming from, I have days where I feel exactly how you describe. I think it's perfectly ok to feel like that so don't feel bad about it. I've stopped putting pressure on myself to enjoy every minute of parenthood and that helps. Acknowledging that it is tough at times and I have a right to not like the pressure and being pulled into tiny pieces constantly makes you give yourself a pat on the back now and again iykwim.

I've come to the conclusion 4 year old boys are bloody hard work, I have a dd 3 and the difference is very marked. From talking to other mums with older boys, 4 is a very challenging age for boys. I'm an ex rec teacher and it has shocked me just how much hard work they can be when you're the mum. I swear some days even Mother Teresa would loose her cool and find it tough.

One of my boys has some similarities to your ds, his twin is the complete opposite. Some kids as you say are just high maintenance. My son just wants to be big and be able to do what he wants to do. He's soooooo ready for school(and so am I . Only 6 months to go!!!!!!!!!

I know things are going to be easier then as he'll be getting the stimulation he need. Anyway just wanted to say you're totally not alone. Off to get the paints out, have given in to the cajoling- I must be absolutely barking mad!!!!!!!!!!

What you've said about your ds and the whole 'social situations' thing has really struck a chord with me. My dd (3) sounds very similar. She is a lovely, bright, confident little girl when around adults or 1-1 friends; but we just can't do group activities.
At toddler group singing time she would just stand against the wall in a strop, sometimes saying very loudly "stop singing!" Dh took her to small group swimming lessons and apparently it was a nightmare. She started getting aggressive and 'growly'.
I feel quite rotten really that we can't take her to any of the fantstic classes we have access to because she just freaks out. I wonder what I'm doing wrong .
To me it almost seems that she's embarassed and feels as though she is being patromised when encouraged!

Sorry pruners, not read whole thread, in a bit of a panic but..
I can utterly relate to this. 4 is very hard, I think, esp with boys who don't sit quietly with pens and craft kits.

But it's the fucking self-consciousness that's the killer. The constant bleeding analysis of one's own responses to irritation, slowness, tuned outness, loudness, bad manners, less- malleable/suggestible-than-everyone-else's-ness.

That's what has made me feel desperate at times, never being able to get away FROM MYSELF, the constant comparison, guilt, parent-performance-anxiety.

DS is now 6 and I still struggle not to hover over him like a floating ton of bricks about to come down.

But things are much better. I have found that trying to make him laugh, to the exact extent that I shout at him, makes me feel much better. Guilt-neutral.

I have been wincing/laughing/crying in recognition of this. I was so worried about ds's relatively late language acquisition, now he really never stops and I think nostalgically back to the time when he only had half a dozen words (and one of them was "choo-choo"). Car journeys used to be about Radio 4, now they are "what is that lorry made of? and that one and that one? But Mummy, the wheels aren't made of metal are they?" etc, etc. If the conversation stops for a second, he feels the need to plug the silence with a "mummmmm-meee" to which I say, "yes monkey" and often he has nothing to say to which he falls back on "I like you", which is very sweet and all...
On a different note, I think it may be pertinent that you had IVF. It's such a grim horrible process that you must have really wanted children and that must introduce an element of guilt when you feel it's less than perfect when you finally get them. I wonder whether there's any link between IVF and pnd or at the least feelings of additional frustration. I haven't had fertility issues, but a lot of people close to me have, and being surrounded by those not lucky enough to get pregnant can create a wall of silence about children. I don't dare ever complain as I feel it would be insensitive to.
Like I say, I have no idea if there was a link but would love to read some research into it.
Pol

Hi Polly

I am sure there is a link between assisted conception and a high level of parental guilt. DH and i have often said we went thru hell to get these dc so why can't we enjoy them more and how come its sooo fecking hard.

That is a really insightful and sensitive thing you said Polly

We are kinda coming out the other side now as ours are 12 and 8 and if its any consolation to you lot still going thru the terrible 1-5's (yes, I believe it lasts that long), it really does get easier whan you start to get a bit of your life back again.

Thank god for this thread. I want to hug every one of you as I was going to post one exactly like it.

Every night when my two are in bed (DD4 and DS3) I say to myself, tomorrow I'll be a better parent, I won't shout or belittle them or lose it and then nine times out of ten I do exactly that within about half an hour of waking up.

They are adorable but I could effing run away sometimes. They are such hard work together and relatively easy on a one to one basis. They seem to behave perfectly well at nursery and last week I was told DD was being the perfect big sis. It's just with me they go bonkers. They go to nursery in the morning and I find myself getting more and more agitated clock watching to when all hell descends again.

By the afternoon DS at least will be too tired or grumpy to do anything else so we usually end up staying in as it is just soooo stressful and hassle to go anywhere with them. I usually end up plonking them infront of the TV whilst I try to hide somewhere else.

Oh and it works both ways regarding quality time - the more you give them, the more they want and equally if you manage to get away for a day or two for some peace you only end up wanting more and it seems worse when you come back - arrgghhhhh!

Shall we all share what annoys us the most about our kids?

I think mine is my 4 y/o son's blistering self-confidence. Isn't it terrible, I tried so hard to give him confidence and now it drives me insane because he's arrogant. When he stands in front of me, calmly telling me that what I've just said is wrong, I want to yell at him, "And what the fark would YOU know, you cocky little shit? Four years ago you were swimming around under my jumper, drinking your own wee for God's sake. Come back to me when you can wipe your own arse and then you can tell me what's up".

Eek, I got all worked-up, typing that. I went a bit trembly with repressed rage.