If your kids sit at the table and eat …

[Justwontdoit]

Tell me how you enforced that. I’ve gone horribly wrong with no1 but hoping to put it right for no2.

I know you’re asking about your second but have you tried one of those booster seats for your 3 year old? The ones that strap to your dining chair and then have like a secure imprint where the bum and legs go, plus straps to hold the little escapist turds delightful darlings in the seat?

I think I’d try something like that, and also start out only expecting him to sit for very brief times at the table. Maybe try a timer on your phone if he’s into that sort of thing? I’d explain that we must sit at the table like a Grown Up and eat until the timer goes off, but only set it for 4-5 minutes to start and keep him engaged the whole time. When it goes off, preferably with a fun sound, I’d make a big deal about him being SO grown up. Then I’d add a minute every few days until he was just sitting at the table for the meal. I’d focus on the sitting part first, as the eating will naturally follow as he gets used to being there for longer periods.

Sorry if that’s not helpful/you’ve already tried it, I just wanted to mention in case you hadn’t.

Hi @WhichEllie , we have, yes thanks. It’s a bit more successful than the high chair was, he sits for short bursts but he tends to eat a small amount then gets down. It’s a good idea to try to increase how long he spends at the table. He does seem quite ‘restless’ a lot of the time. He’s also got his own little table and chairs which he likes but uses to play garages at rather than eating!

I did this, and never had a problem with meal times (had plenty of other problems, but not this one).

I didn't let mine snack between meals, and didn't let them eat other than at the table, so those things might have helped. I also never gave them the idea that sitting together at the table was negotiable. It was just what we did, like washing your hands after going to the loo, or brushing your teeth before bed.

To add some reassurance OP, our second child is completely different, tells us when he is hungry/thirsty, much more food orientated and happily sits eating for ages even as a toddler. It's been a real revelation!

We all sit together, even if the adults aren't eating. Points lost for every time they get off their chair without permission- if they lose 3 points then no screen time. No adult phones or screens at the table. Encourage them to cook, so they are invested in the meal. Chat as a family, encourage discussion

Have you tried something like a food ladder tray? Keep food separate. Have a little treat at the end? Tray

Some of the advice on here isn't great OP

I think you're right to just go with it when it comes to your DS, all this suggestion of "making" him or rewarding or punishing him with random punishments that have nothing to do with him eating at the table.. they're just not in line with his development and it's poor outdated advice.

You're right that our relationship with food is an important one and you don't want to be creating battles around it.

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job to me.

Sitting and eating together. Tea time is part of our family we all sit around talking about our day or random conversations.

OP I will say you are talking as if by 3 years old, that's it, and bad routines can't be rectified. Of course you can't physically make him eat but you should be able to make him follow the instruction of sitting at a table when asked, he appears to understand it at nursery.

How long has it previously taken with you taking back to his seat? How long before you give up?

Our DS doesn't get hungry, he's like me, he's not hungry, so we need to tell him it food time. He also has phases of eating less but he still had to stay at the table until tea time was finished. He didn't get to leave the table while we were still eating. He could leave early if he had eaten everything but not before us if he wasn't eating. He soon realised it was easier to get eating. But he was distracted by the chatting, he won't want to eat if you are anxious about it, telling him to eat.
The thing he doesn't have to be food driven, a big element of this is not about him eating, it's that he has to be able to follow an instruction given to him and respect your rules, not the ones he chooses to respect. This can start now and still work.

Food stays at the table but they don't have to. We eat together and we eat the same thing.

@WhichEllie love the little escapist turds 🤣🤣🤣🤣 That is exactly what we had for precisely that reason!

The second child will often just copy the first so tackling the DS1 problem is key.
Sometimes short term pain is worth it for longer term gain and to take the control back.

Oh I add as well, we started with quite small portions, so him finishing or "having a good go" was an easy win for him, so big praise. Then we built up from there.

Like some other PPs, we eat all meals at the dining table together and always have done. Maybe once a fortnight or so DH and I will eat later but at least one of us will still sit at the table with the kids. DC1 was in a high chair until about 2.5 iirc. DC2 is just 2 and still in one. I think we might keep DC2 in longer though as so far he's showing no objection to it, but he tends to want to wander around whilst eating if he's not in one (e.g. when he has a snack or is at someone else's house or whatever). If the child asks to get out of the high chair, or older one wants to leave the table, that's fine, they're never obliged to sit at the table or to eat. However they can't take their meal elsewhere or whatever. And if they don't eat a meal, there is no alternative or dessert on offer.

My eldest is not food orientated either and isn't a good eater , she's quite short and slim which I'm sure is partly due to her eating, but nevertheless the healthcare professionals say she's growing fine and she isn't underweight. I admit she's always generally been a good sleeper though, and DC2 also has been for the last 8 months or so, so I can't comment on what I'd do if the small meals were impacting sleep, I definitely sympathise with you there.

@Thinkbiglittleone he does understand it, just doesn’t comply with it very well. If I got him to eat at the table for breakfast say he’d have two mouthfuls then be off. If I follow him and feed him he’ll generally eat most or all but if I try to make him sit at the table and eat more it just doesn’t work. It’s that which is frustrating I suppose. But maybe it’s just not a big deal.

@RedRobyn2021 thanks for that

@TeaDrinker247 i may well try the equivalent with water, he doesn’t drink enough.

Not sure this suggestion is going to go down well here, but it worked for us!

Our eldest was a very busy boy, with no time to eat and hated sitting still. The only way he would sit for long enough to eat a meal was when he was watching cbeebies! Totally goes against my principals, but needs must.

I bought a wall mounted TV for the kitchen and would switch it on for him while he sat at the dining table in his high chair. When he wriggled down, the TV went off and food was taken away.

Ten years on, and we all eat together at the dining table every night...with no TV or devices.

@Justwontdoit Sorry, so are you following him around feeding him while he goes about his morning ? While he's playing or getting dressed?

Not while he’s getting dressed - he isn’t able to do that totally independently anyway. Yes, he’ll generally go to where his toys are and I will feed him his food while he plays. Then he’s eaten a good breakfast, lunch and dinner which is a relief to me. I’d just prefer him to sit down and eat it himself.

This!! We sit at the table as a family for all meals.

@Justwontdoit I wouldn't frame the question as "how do I force him to sit at the table?" Because I agree with a wilful child, that won't work. But I don't do food anywhere other than the table. So if my kids are done, they are free to leave, that's fine, I don't do any guilting or persuading or chasing them with a spoon. But equally they don't get food anywhere else.

It sounds like your 3 year old just doesn't want to stop playing to eat which is totally fair enough from his point of view, because he doesn't have to as you will feed him while he plays. If you just stop doing that, he will come and sit at the table

No wonder he prefers that. He gets to play and make you feed him. Winner, winner.

I think maybe you need to be a bit stricter with that as it does need resolving before bevy comes along, you can't have your DS thinking the baby coming is making his routine change, it has the potential to be a little of a wobble with new baby on the scene, this needs to be in place before baby comes.

Why do you say you don't want to reward him with the game of putting him back on chair as requested, but he's allowed to be rewarded with his toys ? Surely if he's not listening he gets nothing, no Tv, no toys etc

Unfortunately that's the issue isn't it? If someone came and fed me whilst I watched tv or played games on my iPad I'd take that option too! You'll have to tough it out for a few days I'm afraid!

Personally if it were me I'd make a big deal of sitting at the table with the baby and singing songs with the baby, chatting, playing games whatever (sibling rivalry will be your friend here) and saying loudly what a good baby he/she is sitting at the table with mummy, make a huge fuss about what a wonderful time you and the baby are having, how yummy the food is etc and make him feel he's missing out so he wants to sit with you at the table, zero attention to anyone not at the table!

So what is he bothered by?

Another PP suggested paw patrol cars and stickers.

What does motivate him? What can you use to change his behaviour that's not food?

As someone else said, he has LOTS of power. He knows he can get down, nothing will happen, in fact, he will get LOADS of attention whilst you follow him round feeding him whilst de does something way more fun.

So you need to find something even better than that to keep him at the table.

This is not about you physically tying him to the table - but creating the circumstances in which he wants to stay at the table more than rush off.

Obvs as soon as he shows any interest in coming back to the table give him lots of positive attention, would you like to choose the next game/song etc

Both myself and DH were brought up by the table manners police (my gran was a stickler for good manners, and so were his parents and grandparents). This is literally one place where we are super strict. No tv, no starting before everyone is served, no getting down early, good use of cutlery, no talking with mouth full, hold good conversation. It is a massive chore to repeat repeat repeat but they will get it. And then they can 'be taken everywhere'.

Do you eat your meals with your DC?

DD was at the table with me (in her pram) when I was eating my meals from day 1 so she saw that this is how we eat. Then once she could sit up she sat in her highchair at the table while I was eating. Then once she started weaning, we ate at the same time at the table. Then by the time she was 2 we were eating the same things at the table. Now that she is at school, breakfast and dinner time and bedtime story are the only completely fixed times in the day where she gets undivided attention from me so it's a positive thing to eat a meal together.

I notice you say that you didn't have a table for a while so that goes some way to explaining DC1's reluctance but now that you do have a table if you can eat together with the DC as much as possible that'll probably make the biggest difference to DC2.

I know that the 'non-negotiable' response irked you OP but I do think they can sense where your line is and it will stand you in good stead for other elements of parenting to help the DC learn when their behaviour won't get you to shift your expectations even an inch. Just like you make road safety a non-negotiable, and being strapped into a car seat before you can go on a journey, you can use a similar mentality with other stuff.