If your kids sit at the table and eat …

[Justwontdoit]

Tell me how you enforced that. I’ve gone horribly wrong with no1 but hoping to put it right for no2.

So he knows when he can get away with it and when he can’t. Clever boy. Over to you and the grandparents to take charge of the situation if it’s unwanted.

This is a great question because he sounds similar to our older child.
In the end I was on the Ellen satter web site and had a bit of a revelation.
Basically it's a healthy boundaries thing, you decide what food to serve, when to serve it and where it is served.
And your child decides whether to eat it, how much and what combination.
It took so much pressure off, honestly with all the recommendations about 3 meals and two snacks, he averages about 0 snacks and 2 meals a day, he is still putting on weight as normal. He once ate 6 wheetabix for breakfast at under 4 years old.
But the fact that I trust him to eat what he needs, and if he says he's not hungry then that's ok. I limit meal times so he knows he can either eat or wait until later.
Some kids are just wired differently, he doesn't really ask for food or drinks and toilet is similar, he will hold it seemingly indefinitely. But once we stop trying to control things that are only in his control, life for so much more relaxed.
Good luck!

But that will only be for a short while. I know it will be tough but you'll get through it. I'm sorry to say this but if you have resigned yourself to not being able to control a three year old - you've said somewhere he knows there's nothing you can do to make him behave - then you are setting yourself up for big problems down the line. And the second child will follow suit. Good luck.

The threads becoming a little circular and an attack on me rather than actually addressing the question I asked. I fully accept I have probably made unwitting mistakes with DC1: it may be a mix of personality and parenting ‘style’ but just now eating is a battle. I’m asking what others who do have children who sit ‘nicely’ at the table and eat do so I can hopefully make some positive changes for Dc2.

@Justwontdoit yes I know what you mean, you can't physically force them. I suppose I just meant that you can enforce rules. If you want him to eat more at mealtimes, then it might be a mix of accepting he's only going to eat a smaller amount and having supper too, combined with firm expectations (e.g. sit at the table for a certain time, a timer), and not allowing him to do anything fun when he gets down, or maybe creating an intrinsic reward for staying, like a nice pudding/lots of praise/a game at the table.

@SharonEllis - it really isn’t. I think the crux of the issue is he isn’t bothered by food, so if he isn’t hungry, he doesn’t want to eat. He will eat a tiny amount which stops that ‘I’m hungry’ feeling but then it isn’t anything like enough. But it massively affects his sleep - he still sleeps through but wakes 5-530 which is horrible for everybody.

Honestly for a 3yo eating at the table is probably just boring. My 8yo still eats just enough to not feel hunger but then is distracted by anything else. Playing the piano, drawing, playing sand, whatever else is available. Feeding them gets more down and like yours my kids sit much better out in a cafe or restaurant.

I remember meal times being boring as a kid, so we try and keep it light - play card games sometimes, like other say pop on music and try and have a fun chat - if you start telling them off then it just makes the atmosphere worse in my opinion.

some meals are better than others but I try not to sweat it. Oh and a pre bedtime not too exciting snack like toast when dinner hasn’t been eaten well.

It’s just consistency which you’re saying you’re doing so give it time. You’ve said he sits nicely when you go out and at nursery which, given the choice is preferable to being great at home and a nightmare for meals out. You’ll get there, firm but fair. Good luck x

You can enforce rules to a point but there are some rules you can’t, and eating is one of those problem areas and I think that’s why it’s often the source of some mental health issues (obviously not suggesting that’s the case here!) because it’s something an individual can ‘control.’ So I can say to DS - no food if you don’t sit at the table, no Tv later if you don’t sit at the table, I will take X toy away if you don’t sit at the table’ - but none of those things actually make him sit at the table! They just punish him for non compliance. Whereas I CAN make him have his teeth cleaned although in fairness I don’t have to - he’s compliant with that (for now anyway!)

This. It is ok if they get angry or upset. They’ll get it. If you want them to learn this skill then just teach them.

Don't overthink it, or make it a big deal. Let him run around, he's only 3 and food isn't a big thing for him. You can't make him into something he isn't. Mine have always been enthusiastic eaters so that's why they'd stay at the table, but I remember friends' kids who weren't that bothered when they were small. If you and the rest of the family sit at the table and food is served there, then when he gets older, and stops needing to run around so much that is what he will do too.

I've brought my family up in Italy with Italian family. Meals and food are top priority here, everyone dines at the table, but everyone knows that some small children who aren't particularly food motivated don't necessarily want to sit for a long time. They go and play and get called back for the next course when it's ready. By the age of 10/11 the children are taking themselves out to eat at restaurants without adults.

In my opinion you are making something out of practically nothing. Let him run in and out for the moment but always keep the food at the table and pretend that it doesn't bother you.

DH reads to our 4yo at breakfast to keep him on track. He doesn't really sit at the table for the other meals although we don't have a problem with the overall quantity he eats. He does have additional needs though (we're not exactly sure what yet) so expectations are a bit different. Sometimes we set ourselves parenting standards based on other people's children that aren't really ever going to work for ours and it sounds like you're doing what needs to be done for your DS.

Meh, I have one who sits and eats her dinner at the table no problem, and one that can’t sit on chair, hangs off chair, often doesn’t eat much They both have additional needs but are totally different.

It’s most likely not you but just how he is.

With my younger one we just roll with it. I put left over salad bits in the lounge after dinner and she sometimes eats them or I might offer natural yoghurt and honey. I tried timers, threats, rewards blah blah blah. Doesn’t help. Our priority is healthy relationship with food and happy meal times even if one of us is not conventionally there!

@Justwontdoit so if he is finished eating just give him a toy car or whatever. But at three it sounds as if you need to tell him, at three he can understand. My 1,5 year-olds at nursery understand what is expected of them.

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure most won't agree with me but my daughter was just like this. It was absolutely draining trying to get her to eat. In the end I just put the tv on and fed her while she watched. As you said she just wouldn't eat enough causing other problems. It went on for about a year and after that she'd had no problems sitting at a table and has lovely table manners now.
Turns out my kids are very bad at knowing they're hungry, thirsty or needing the toilet. They are both neurodiverse and struggle with interoception. I also suspect my daughter had Oppositional Defiance disorder. Being asked to.do things causes huge anxiety and meltdowns.

@catmaine as long as you plan on keeping them at home then, and not go to any restaurants. Those kids are annoying as shit to everyone else, even at McD.

@DoYouSmellCarrots have you looked into PDA? If you’re thinking ODD then look into PDA. It was a lightbulb moment for me.

Oh he understands, but if he doesn’t comply then it’s basically the great game of to and fro, back and forth, which he’d love and then gives the behaviour attention.

Thanks for the reassuring replies. I did actually realise when replying to a post that he does comply with a lot of instructions and expectations. He has a good bedtime routine and goes to sleep independently, he has only very occasionally kicked off about the car seat (and that’s usually been on a long journey where he’s not wanted to get back in it but has responded to reason / bribery) and he isn’t over the top with screen time especially now that he’s mostly sleeping later in the morning. It’s just he seems to have so much energy and I guess I wish I’d brought some ‘quiet times’ into our days where we sit and read or look at books, but he just seems to be on the go all the time.

Positives - he’s unlikely to have a propensity for being a bit overweight (unlike his mother!)

Sorry, I've muddied the water with my mention of trolley seats.

I was illustrating the importance of sticking with your bottom line no matter what it takes.

For me, staying in the trolley seat and not climbing out was a non-negotiable. DD thought otherwise. So I used the harness part of her reins to literally tie her into the trolley seat. The screeching! The kicking! The thrashing! It was a grim two weeks but we all survived and shopping was a breeze afterwards.

You have asked if you're supposed to tie your DS down to make him stay at the table, and imo, if that's what it would take, then you should consider it. He won't like it, I guarantee that. But you need to ride the screeching/ tantrumming out if you want to show him that he doesn't have all the power here.

Yes, the initial mealtimes will be unpleasant. But sometimes you have to choose unhappiness now or unhappiness for the foreseeable with children.

@DoYouSmellCarrots hmm you’ve got me worried now as we’re in the middle of trying to potty train, not altogether successfully.

Hi OP. We have a wooden bowl full
of top trumps on the table. We play at mealtimes which keeps them at the table. Mine are older but DD has SEN which makes it more difficult for her to focus on mealtimes. Might work for you.

Sit down and eat together

And read this - life changing for us:

www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/the-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding/

We eat all our meals together at the table, no screens (including our phones!) and I even switch the radio off. Also involve her in making and choosing the meals if she wants to be involved, she has her own little set of knives (toddler ones). We did baby led weaning, I read Gill Rapley's book and followed her advice, never spoon fed her ever, never put pressure on her to eat, let her play with the food.

Although I say all this but I do think some children struggle sitting still and that is normal. I've heard of some families doing "picnic dinners" in the lounge and all sitting on a blanket on the floor for dinner or just generally being more relaxed about them getting on and off chairs. I've also heard of families having success with having the food all on one plate and the child serving themselves from that plate.

Ours was very small so stayed strapped into her high seat until her 3rd birthday. Sometimes bolts and whinges but by and large sucks it up and sits with us - nearly 4 now and it’s more or less civilised.

We all eat together, no variation in food or different meals - if she eats she gets a banana for pudding which she views as a treat, poor sad deluded child, and no screens, toys or distractions.

We've never done anything but eat at the table. When my daughter was a baby, we replaced one of the dining chairs with her high chair and then when she was bigger, she had a proper dining chair with a booster seat. There was never an option of eating anywhere else apart from the table in the conservatory or at the garden table in the summer.