Oh @RenewableNewt i hear you. It sounds like you’re at the beginning of truly understanding what it means to have the type of parents you have. I don’t mean that to sound patronising, at all. Speaking for myself, I knew intellectually what narcissism was and the family roles etc. as a result, I thought I could put boundaries in place and practice gray rock and other similar techniques. However, what I noticed is that every attempt at a boundary was run over and the abusive behaviour continued, such as, exclusion and triangulation with my golden child sister. My enabling father stayed true to his role and has never once waivered. So, I think, there is knowing about these toxic people but there is so much pain, hurt and loss in truly being in relationship with these types of people and this was the biggest thing I had to come to terms with.
They say that once you see narcissism you can’t unsee it, and omg, is that true for me. I found that I was no longer willing, or able, to be around people who continually mistreat me.
You said how you are expected to forgo your emotions and instincts in order to preserve her ego, that’s so messed up, and yet that’s what this crazy people need and expect from us in order to be in contact with them. Try your best to work on acceptance of the fact that they’re incapable of self reflection and change. I found this extremely hard, I’m not going to lie. But so unbelievably worth it, I’m like a new person, or the person I was always meant to be.
Engage in therapy, read all the books to try and process this crap so you can be the best parent for your baby. Avoid their drama by refusing to engage, don’t respond to messages or calls. Tell them clearly what you want if they push you, remember you hold all the power here you just don’t see it yet. They don’t deserve any of you in their lives.