Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. It continued to a second thread here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2 | Mumsnet I hope this thread can continue the good work of its predecessors. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here. The world is a better place with you in it, despite what you might have been conditioned to believe by those who brought you into it. x

The narc loves chipping away at your confidence and creating doubt.

”Are you sure you should be doing that?”
”Well, it’s up to you if you want to make a fool of yourself”
”You wouldn’t catch me doing that. I’ve got more sense”
”I’ve heard that XYZ (whatever/wherever your plans are) is actually very dangerous”
”What’s the benefit of someone like you doing it?”

When I got a job as a TA at my local village school, which was perfect when my kids were young, she was very disparaging and said that TAs were pointless but then told everyone I was a teacher! I corrected it on so many occasions but she brushed it aside saying no one would know the difference anyway!

Some of her classics were about my appearance.
”I’m so glad I haven’t got blonde hair like you. Blonde hair always looks so cheap”
”You’ve caught the sun, but I always think a tan is SO aging”
”You’re too thin” (I’m a size 12 - she was a size 20)
The hilarious comments about weight and a complete contradiction was when she actually complimented me on an outfit I was wearing and asked where it came from. Her reply:
“Oh, from Next? I thought they only made clothes for slim people ?”!

But if anyone said something nice about my appearance in front of her, she would immediately say, “You can see where she gets her looks from can’t you?”

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas - it does chip away.

My DM never said I was like her if I was complimented, she would always sneer. Because any complimentary opinions of me must mean that the person is mad I assume. Even on Parents Evening she sat there sneering whilst my DF was so delighted I was doing so well.

I had the weight thing. I think we may have discussed this previously. She was huge but somehow in her head she wasn't and I was much bigger than I was.

I really wish she'd just gone or died when I was younger.

Seeing the comments that some of you have recently made, reminded me of one of the most vile my “mother” said to me.
I had to catch a taxi with my sister one day when we were late teens and we were being dropped off at seperate places. My “mother” said to me ‘Make sure your sister gets dropped off first and you last because you will be ok because taxi drivers only rape pretty girls’.
A vile, vicious woman with vile thought processes. I’m NC with the lot of them. My “father” used to back her up and my sister loved being the golden child. Though I wish I could erase the memories from my brain.
Just like others on here, I honestly wish she was dead. I don’t feel bad saying that because my entire childhood she told me she wished I was.
I HATE the fact she has convinced so many people she is the victim. I grew up being silenced. Even as an adult I was silenced. While she spread her lies about me to everybody.
Some days it’s very hard not to feel bitter about the way I was treated. It has had rippling devastating effects throughout my entire life. People don’t really realise though because I was trained from a young age to be a people pleaser and smile and tolerate shitty behaviour. In my 40s I’ve learnt to care less, but at the same time there is a hole in my soul where my parents love should have been and sometimes it physically hurts.
Sorry that was quite long. Bad day.

@SomewhereOverTheHill im sorry to hear that you’re having a bad day. I can relate to a lot of what you describe, I too grew up in a similar dynamic with a GC sister and I was portrayed as being some sort of sub human in comparison to her. How utterly disgusting that your mother made that comment, it’s incomprehensible and unforgivable. I find that when I think back on some of the more shocking comments or incidents from my childhood it reinforces my decision to go NC, but the process of NC isn’t easy is it? Because it is so unnatural to find yourself separate from your family in the first place I find it’s a regular enough battle to convince myself that I’m allowed to be NC, that they’re behaviour was bad enough.

You grew up, like me, probably feeling like a second class citizen and that has long term effects. You mention that you have a hole in your soul for where your parents should be, I get that. For me the hole in my soul is that I went through life feeling dirty, shameful and less than. The hole is not gapping open anymore, but the scar remains, and it can hurt at times.

The smear campaign again is something no sane parent would engage in, and yet some parents do. God only knows what’s been said about me but because I have gone NC with all my family I don’t know, but I can guess. I can only hope that some of the people she spreads her lies to are awake enough to know that a normal, caring mother would never speak about her child in a negative way to someone else. Dr. Ramani said recently that she believes narcissism, and its effects, are this generations epidemic (or words to that affect) and she’s right. The damage these assholes cause is incalculable. It’s a miracle we have survived at all.

If you haven’t done therapy I can’t recommend it enough, you deserve to feel whole, and happy.

@SomewhereOverTheHill - that is really vile. Who would even think that let alone about their DD?

I wonder if your DM was like mine (they are all the same) and knew I knew her for the soulness, spiteful, manipulating bitch she was hence the vileness? My DM managed to con people for a while but at the end she didn't have one friend left. I removed myself as a target so all that energy went elsewhere. And yet still her family like to think she had good points ...

I was an only child so I didn't have a golden child comparison. What I did have was her bigging up other people's DCs or slagging them off.

That's a brilliant description having a hole in your soul.

@junebugalice - Let them think what they like. You've saved yourself.

My DMs vileness extended to her family and increased after I went NC. I've heard some of the vile things she's said and done. They are still naive and still didn't believe me when it was happening to me and I was managing the old bitch.

I think unless you are sensitive or you've been through it you cannot get your head around how bad things must have been for a child to go NC. The assumption always is it was a disagreement, or a snap decision. Never that it's taken decades of abuse and grieving to finally close the door. And we should never have to justify it. Her family saw and heard what she did and yet still don't really get it.

It is a miracle and what's better is that we've thrived. I know my DM hated that most of all.

@junebugalice You are right, the process of NC is hard, even though others often interpret it to be a cold-hearted decision. It’s the inevitable ‘but she’s your mother, you only have one’ comments. Very rarely do people think ‘how can she have done that to her own child?’. The only people who seem to feel any horror about a narcissistic parent are the ones like us who have lived it.

I think because people with normal parents have had some disagreements or rows with their parents or their parent has said something bad in the heat of the moment and they’ve received apologies and make ammends, they assume it’s like that. But it’s just not with a narcissistic parent. They deliberately and intentionally break you down. They aren’t saying things in the heat of the moment as such (until the rage sets in), they are deliberately breaking you down as a person. Nothing was off limits with my mother. If I showed an ounce of confidence she would rip it away from me. Every single thing about me was ridiculed and put down by her - my looks, my hair, my voice, the way I ate, the way I spoke, the way I laughed, the way I walked, my weight. She even tried to convince me that my boyfriends only dated me so they could catch a glimpse of my sister.

The lasting effects for me are that I never feel good enough. I struggle with work interviews because immediately I feel crap against everyone else, I’m embarrassed to go to the hairdressers because she drummed into me I was ugly and I had awful hair and so there was no point. I haven’t been for 5 years. I’ve tried confiding in the wider family, but to my horror I discovered some of them were just as spiteful deep down as she is.

@user1471538283 My “mother” did the bigging up of other people too, my sister also does the same. The apple really hasn’t fallen far from the tree with her.

I haven’t seen any of them in many years, but some days it just catches me, and today is one of those days.

@SomewhereOverTheHill Oh good grief, I thought mine was the pits of the earth, but that is truly vile. I’m truly, truly sorry and without doubt you made absolutely the right decision to go NC. I wish I had as I think a lot of my anxiety etc would have been a lot better as I was always trying to be the perfect daughter - which was never going to be possible, but means I still constantly set unachievable targets for myself.

As an only child like @user1471538283, I used to think I had it bad as her focus was entirely on me, but reading yours and other’s experiences, I do wonder if having a sibling would have been even worse because she knew that if she went that final step too far, she would be on her own? I used to get a lot of the comparisons about others a lot, from childhood to adulthood.
“Why can’t you be like Perfect Jill?”
”Perfect Jill loves her mother”
”Perfect Jill treats her mother with respect”
”Perfect Jill has such lovely hair and dresses so nicely”

The “unlike you” always hung in the air!

@SomewhereOverTheHill oh I hear you with the constant criticisms, and on all of the topics you mention. I was never good enough and my sister was perfect. The differences in our treatment is shocking and contributed to my low (non existent) self esteem and self worth. Just to give two standout examples that I haven’t been able to move past, the rage I still feel when I think about them still burns. At 16 I had a part time job which involved me getting a bus after school and into the city to work in retail every Friday until 8/9 pm, I would get a bus home. Then back in every Saturday until 6pm. I needed braces and was told I needed to pay half. I could understand if my parents had nothing (we were working class) but they could afford holidays and nice luxuries which never stopped despite me having to pay €1000 towards my dental care. A couple of years later my sister needed them and of course she didn’t pay a cent. The reason: we were in a better situation financially, but they could have paid me back couldn’t they? Wouldn’t you just have been delighted to have a child holding down a job and being responsible? No, they had to take what little I had. Graduation ball comes around (from secondary school) and my dress was very much on a budget, my NM made it very clear she didn’t like my choice, that is was too “revealing” (it wasn’t but I was regularly called a slut) but she bought it. My sisters rolls around and you can see where this is going, many multiples of euro spent on her dress. Apologies for the vent but i don’t think we can ever rid ourselves of the negative feelings that have been poured into us from day one, well I can’t anyway. When your own parents abandon and reject you and idolise another child you don’t stand a chance, most days I’m fine, good even, but today the feelings of worthlessness dominate. That is the lasting gift these people give. I also had a female cousin who was worshipped by my NM, at every turn there was someone better, prettier, slimmer but really just better. I was like dirt on their boots and it’s hard to move on fully when that’s the start in life you’re given. I’m hoping with more time I will be in a better place of acceptance, I hope that for all of us.

@junebugalice Im sorry you were put through that. It’s the unfairness in situations like yours that eats us all up. It’s like it etches in our brains and stays there. I do wonder sometimes if that’s the intention of these creatures we are all forced to call mothers. And yes, a normal mother would have been proud of you working like that, not trying to take the reward for your job (your money) away from you.

The thing I find very weird about all of our narcissistic mothers is the fact that they all say and do such similar things. When I see around me peoples parents who are not narcissistic there are lots of facets to their personalities, they don’t all behave in a uniform way. So why do narcissistic parents all behave almost identically?

Thanks @SomewhereOverTheHill the validation really helps. That's interesting what you say about their personality types, I've noticed that too. When around other "older people", healthy ones, I notice an ability to form an in depth, intelligent opinion. This ability has nothing to do with education, or background, it comes with an emotional maturity or something, an understanding of the world on a deeper level. With my parents there is no nuance, no grey area and no self reflection. They are a thick stupid pair who happen to be dangerous to be around. I liken their condition to psychopaths or sociopaths. You know those documentaries where they go through the traits of those people I see my NM, in particular. I suppose it is a mental illness or personality disorder so they are all the same, or have similar traits. The only silver lining is that we have recognised this disfunction so hopefully we can protect our kids, and ourselves.

I think it probably is a personality disorder. I've met one other person (an ex line manager) who was like my DM. She hated me but again I think it's because I could see her for what she was and she was obviously very jealous of me. Her DDs had eating disorders and she was as fat as my DM. I thought that was really telling. She would skip and flirt all the time I suppose in the belief she was a "girl" like my DM thought she was.

I also think they are incapable of change. There is no self reflection because there's no room for it. If every single second of every single day you are thinking about yourself or how you get one over on someone or upset someone there's no headspace left. My DM would scream if she was ever caught out.

My DM would lie and lie by omission and tie herself in knots to get out of it usually by blaming others. I don't know how she lived with herself

She never apologised for anything because in her head she was perfect. My ex line manager apologised to me once but she had to and it wasn't genuine.

I truly hope to never met another woman like my DM ever again. What we have though dear friends, and they would hate this, we can now see it coming.

I agree with both of you @junebugalice and @user1471538283 , it has to be a personality disorder of some sort. It doesn’t really help us though, does it?

@user1471538283 The lying thing reminds me of an extended family member who unfortunately also seems to have narcissistic tendencies - she’s the gregarious type, everyone’s special occasions ALWAYS have to involve her being the centre attention.
She does the lying thing. She gossips and exaggerates or outright lies about someone and if caught out instead of showing any shame, she doubles down on the poor person she’s lying about and says ‘well that’s what they told me, more fool poor, poor me for believing them’. Another bitch that I’m NC with.

Yes, any attention for a narc is good - even negative attention - because it means they’re in the centre, where they love to be.

The lying is incredible and very disturbing. My mother would tell these incredible stories to others where she was always the hero, saved the day, was the most seriously ill, nearly died etc etc. Not only that, she would try and draw me in to validate the stories in front of her audience saying, “You remember don’t you?” “You saw it too, didn’t you?”

What I found the worst was when allegedly I had said or done something when I knew I hadn’t. She was so persuasive that I used to get genuinely scared that I was losing the plot as I couldn’t recall what she was talking about, but I now realise that’s classic gaslighting.

No the personality disorder doesn't help us at all. It's the spite that always got to me.

My DM belittled everything I said, did or wore. And it wore me down.

I'm finding it very hard at the moment because I had her with her abuse and her family never once stepping in. Once her and my DF split up I may as well have fallen off the earth for her and for most of her family. I clearly only had worth being connected to her.

I think I found it helpful to have a label for her behaviour as before I could make absolutely no sense of it and thought she was a complete one off and maybe it was me that wasn’t handling things well or just misunderstanding her.

Once I read the indicators of possible NPD, she fitted the profile completely, especially the use of emotion to manipulate and the refusal to ever apologise or acknowledge responsibility for any actions plus the habitual lying.

I know its a mistake to ‘self diagnose’ but reading all your contributions and the eery similarities just reaffirms these are definitely narcs we’re dealing with.

This is so true, my mother was diagnosed with bipolar but absolutely refused to accept this and take the medication that was needed, when it was suggested she might have a personality disorder she immediately withdrew from the service and refused to engage any further. She insisted she had been misdiagnosed and that all her problems where the fault of me and my sisters.

She does tell people she has depression though but only to garner sympathy and attention

Bizarrely, my mother despised MH issues in others. She viewed it as a sign of weakness, a flaw in someone’s personality. She believed people either needed to pull themselves together or to be locked up in the ‘cuckoo club’ as she so cruelly put it.

If anyone we knew revealed they had been diagnosed, they would be instantly dropped - almost as though she believed MH issues were catching! Ironic, as I’m pretty sure as well as NPD she had some other deep issues going on and I wonder if she was aware she had similar. I actually suggested to her that maybe we could attend some sort of therapy together. Her response was, “I’m certainly not mad or a nut job, why would I need anything like that?!”

Yep my mother is scathing about anyone who is struggling with mental health. There was none of that in her day!. She delights in telling you about her traumatic childhood and how it didn't do her any harm and that people are just soft and pathetic now.
I don't think a therapist has enough hours in the day to unpack her demons

The mental health hatred is another thing that my narc mother has.
The most ironic, lacking in compassion and lacking in self-awareness comment she made about this was ‘what did I do to deserve a crazy daughter like you?, you didn’t have all of these pathetic emotions until you left home.’

My DM was also scathing of people with poor mental health and the attention they got. She was bitter and jealous of the attention and people needed to "get on with it" (which for the most part they were getting on with their lives, it didn't affect her and she wasn't getting on with her own life). She had a bizarre "mental health episode" in front of one of her very sympathetic friends including moving her legs and arms supposedly uncontrollably. As soon as her friend left she smirked. I went cold. It was like looking at evil. That friend was never seen or mentioned again and the episode never happened again.

Later in life she was diagnosed with something as she was sectioned. But she only took the medication for a while. I didn't see any improvement with her but then you can't medicate against spiteful and grandiosity.

According to her I was too sensitive. I was anxious and a nervous wreck.

@SomewhereOverTheHill - oh yes my emotions weren't valid either. She could rant and rave but if when I was older, I shouted back I was "out of control". She would try and twist things to win an argument or get her own way and because I picked up on it as an adult she would shriek in fury.

If I cried I needed to "pull myself together" because she didn't cry (as if that's a good thing).