Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. It continued to a second thread here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2 | Mumsnet I hope this thread can continue the good work of its predecessors. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here. The world is a better place with you in it, despite what you might have been conditioned to believe by those who brought you into it. x

Thank you so much for your replies 💐

@reesewithoutaspoon, I’ve been thinking about your words so much - Peace only comes when you accept that the only thing you can change is how you react to it. I’d also have them on my kitchen wall! So not getting drawn in, holding the boundary, she can shout and scream and lie, but I’ve done all this work and I’m not rising to it. I was thinking yesterday how much I love the life I’ve made with DH and it’s our peace, and she has no right to damage that.

@KaleQueen So she can abuse her own daughter but be mother Theresa reincarnated to my children….and even if she is lovely to the grandchild then actually that continues the abuse of you as I felt really angry ‘how come she loves them but can’t love me?’ I completely agree. My sister said ‘well often people have better relationships with their grandparents than their parents had with the grandparents’ - but honestly, I’m not going to think for one second about enabling that, because DM is clearing willing to lie about me to other family members, so what’s to stop her lying to my children about me? She’ll never have unsupervised contact with them, I’m 100% sure of that.

@user1471538283 I totally agree with what you’ve said about the upset turning to hate. I’m at that stage now. For decades, I’ve felt sorry for her and had empathy for the fact she was a first-time mum and didn’t know what she was doing with me, presumably had a very unhappy childhood herself etc etc etc, but that empathy for her has never helped me and she never shows any for me in return.

E.g. she thinks that me not wanting her to buy baby clothes yet is a personal slight against her, rather than thinking ‘hmm, Newt had a MMC and that baby would be due around now, it must be hard for her to be pregnant again after what happened’.

I never thought I’d feel actual hatred for her behaviour, but the revulsion kicked in a couple of years ago and now here we are.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas yes to assuming the guilt for their behaviour! Unfortunately my dad still also sees it as an ‘us’ thing when it’s very much a ‘her’ thing. But you’re right that there are so many wise words here and so much support. Thank you 🙏🏼

@Pantaloons99 I’m so sorry for your experience and I’m sorry that your health is poor. Huge well done to you for keeping your son away from that behaviour.

Re. the harrassing thing, this is relatively new for my mum, maybe the last 10-15 years. And until recently it was still interspersed with ignoring me/my feelings.

She essentially taught me as a child that she had no time for me or my feelings, only hers, and then seemed to wonder why I didn’t want to spend any time with her once I was grown up? Bombarding me with calls every day at uni to ask where I was and who I was with, and if I didn’t answer, she’d phone my boyfriend. But if I was struggling and feeling low or upset, she didn’t want to know or support me.

So it’s changed very much from ‘you don’t matter at all’ when I was maybe 0-17 to ‘you still don’t matter but you must speak to me whenever I want you to’ at 18-22ish to ‘why don’t you want to speak to me, woe is me, I simply have no idea why we’re not close’ currently. That kind of thing.

These women are all the same! I know it offers little comfort but it makes me smile because all I heard growing up and as an adult was how special she was.

The problem @RenewableNewt is that your DM will not be sensitive to how difficult things are for you because all she cares about is gossiping about how she bought tons of clothes for your baby. So it's not even about the baby. She's angry because you've taken that away from her.

Normal DMs would tread lightly and if they wanted to help they would ask what they could do or what you might need or like and pick the moment carefully. These women are not like that.

I gave my DM alot of slack because she was young having me. But my DF adored her, he worked so hard and he was a hands on DF. Years later it dawned on me that the only reason she had me was to keep my DF. So I was never a person to her or wanted. From a tiny baby I was competition in her eyes.

You are doing brilliantly! We all are! We are building fabulous lives in spite of them x

What I have discovered - and gained so much validation and comfort from all on this thread - is, even as a child, I somehow knew the dynamics and parenting felt wrong. Friends’ mothers didn’t seem to treat them like mine did and none of them seemed to have the constant fear of making the wrong move and anticipating harsh punishments, often for something I didn’t even know I had done. I could walk through the front door from school to be confronted with an unfounded accusation or a wallop because I had apparently been rude or forgetful or insolent before I left in the morning. Clearly, these attacks had been planned by her during the day and she would be waiting to ambush me. Either that or I would get the deathly silent treatment, which by an adult to a child is confusing and with hindsight, emotionally abusive. I think she just thrived on the sound of me begging; either to stop hurting me or to speak to me.

As I grew up and became more self assured, moved out and able to stand up for myself, her ‘technique’ adapted from physical abuse to emotional manipulation. She transformed herself into this ‘victim’ of my heartlessness and cruelty because I wouldn’t play the game anymore. I know outsiders probably thought that way about me too, but they weren’t there when she hacked off my hair in rage, pushed my head underwater in the bath because she knew I was afraid of drowning/choking and kept a stick to hand to hit me with.

I thought she was unique, but virtually every description of the warped behaviour on here could be my own mother - even some of the hurtful and wicked comments made are so familiar. I wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone, but to know others can relate and understand and have been there too somehow is comforting. My DH and DC believe me and have seen her in action over the years, but I think no one who hasn’t actually had first hand experience of living with a narc can every fully appreciate the damage they do.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas - no they either have no idea or think it's not so bad (because they haven't had to deal with it) or believe the Narc and all the ridiculousness. Either because they are naive or it's easier I'm not sure which. Hence the few that tried thought it was a quick fix. Then they scattered.

Your DM definitely got off on hurting you.

My DMs family just wouldn't get involved. I'd hear the odd bit about how badly she treated them but they weren't living with it. I was stuck and even though my DF tried so hard it did damage me.

I'm really struggling lately to reconcile it all.

I was asked once how hard it was to lose my parents and I said I was devastated losing my DF because he was the only parent I had really. But I didn't care my DM was dead.

What a legacy. That your only child is glad you are dead.

Exactly the same here. I get what you are saying totally.

When she was alive, I often used to wonder how I would feel when she died. Would I feel the usual and expected grief that an adult child losing a parent experiences - but I felt absolutely nothing. I dealt with all the practicalities without emotion and dreadful to admit, the fact she died during the first lockdown, when numbers were restricted at funerals, meant I didn’t have to go through the farce of nodding and smiling at platitudes from friends and family.

Just like you, I grieved for years over the loss of my DF even though I realise he unconsciously enabled her as he would do anything to avoid confrontation. He was recently widowed when they met and I suspect he was vulnerable to her faux charm and flirtatiousness. We almost became conspirators against her on occasions, but with hindsight, he should have done more to protect me when I was a young child. He was almost caught in a sort of Stockholm Syndrome with her. He knew she was wrong, but would defend her to the end.

However, unlike those of my mother, I have very positive and special memories of him.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas your post resonates so much with me, it’s like we had the same mother.
My mum forced me to get a part time job at her place of work when I was a teenager.
I was living in hell at home never knowing what I was coming home to, until she started slamming doors and I knew I was in for it. There were times where I would arrive for work after she’d said cruel, vicious things to me at home, had pushed me into doors, swung me around by my hair and she would be stood there at work with a sickly sweet smile on her face behaving like a normal, nice person. And then a work colleague would say to me ‘you are so lucky to have a wonderful mum like you have, remember that’. In that moment I would know she had rewritten the events and had reversed the situation so she was the victim of me. I would work holding all of the trauma in, wanting to cry, meanwhile watching everyone fawn over her.

My mother told me she had cancer.

She called, out of the blue one evening. I was trying to get my son to bed (age 3). I was pregnant. I ask if I can call her back. She then dropped the bombshell that she's got cancer but was seeing a dermatologist and it would be fine.

She never had cancer. She had freckles. There was never any suggestion that she might have cancer. She didn't even have a biopsy. She had freckles.

That is absolutely wicked. Why do they not have any sort of moral compass about lying about serious illness? I do believe in karma and sometimes suspect you’re tempting fate to do that sort of thing.

Mine told everyone she had a heart condition - she had high blood pressure! She told complete strangers and sales staff regularly in order to get preferential treatment. If she wasn’t getting her own way with either me or whoever she was dealing with, she’d complain of chest pains and being unable to breathe - all absolute BS - and because it alarmed those that didn’t know her, she’d achieve her objective. It made me sick to see her taking advantage of good will and conning people.

That's horrific, @SomewhereOverTheHill. Sometimes it's hard to find adequate words to respond to the sheer cruelty. 🫂

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas I could walk through the front door from school to be confronted with an unfounded accusation or a wallop because I had apparently been rude or forgetful or insolent before I left in the morning This was also my experience. I still expect to be accused of things I never did and dread dealing with "the authorities." I bet lots of us also found that even sleep was no escape. I never knew when she would hit me around the head and drag me out of bed for some perceived slight she had spent the night ruminating on or concocting.

I wouldn't wish my childhood and its consequences in adulthood on anyone else but I think it's great that there is so much information on NM out there now. I'm 60 and until I read about narcissism in my 20's I had no idea about it all, even that paper seemed to think only men behaved in such a way. I knew then what my NM was but not how to cope with it. I even ended up with a Narc MIL and blithely though it would be okay but sadly my DH was still living in the F.O.G. so life was still difficult even though I'd moved away form NM.

@UnicornAndSparkles appalling. Perhaps your NM feels you pulling away so got out the "big guns." What and who can top having cancer?

@SomewhereOverTheHill how horrible to have to work in the same place - no escape. My NM was like yours "Street Angel, House Devil." All our neighbours and relatives were led to believe what an awful trial I was to her and what a heroine she was for having to cope with me. Like you, I had to stand there and hear her lies when she talked to people and felt embarassed when I had to see them again.

I think as a child having no escape and no privacy and just no rest from it all is so incredibly debilitating.

@RenewableNewt and everyone else. I hope you have all had a good day. Strong women

Wow theaw stories are horrendous.
Not aure if my DM is same level but it had an impact on my self esteem.

1. when I was younger if anyone ever complimented me while in her presence i.e an elderly female neighbour said once - your daughter is so beautiful and her hair is lovely, she would just scoff and say yeah right.

2. I was too thick to do A levels or University.

3. never ever complimented me when dressed up. E.g my wedding or engagement. Said nothing even when prompted.

4. blamed me for my divorce - my ex was physically, emotionally and financially abusive.

5. said I was desperate to want love and to get married so the downfall of my marriage was due to my desperation. Had 0 empathy for my suffering during the marriage.

6. never good enough at anything. Someone always better then me and made me aware of it.

7. give me the silent treatment for days over minor things to punish me.
   Even when I apologised she stone walled me.

8. would blame me for getting bullied. Ironically I was hit by her if I didn't give her the names of who gave mw bruises (theae were accidental) so I had to make up names.

9. gave credit to my older brother for everything when it was me who did everything. And was telling the family it was older brother......

I once got slapped hard across the face at 22 for coming home after a night out and waking her up by making a cup of tea and toast ‘too loudly’

@MixedCouple2 your experiences are shocking. And it’s interesting you’ve even tried to downplay them ‘not sure they’re quite on the same level’. They are jaw dropping awful. But like lots of us I’m guessing you’re conditioned to minimise this and ‘not make such a fuss’
PS mine would do the same. If someone said ‘she’s pretty’ the reply would be ‘ha pretty ugly you mean ha ha ha ha’ oh yep hilarious but when I didn’t find it ‘hilarious’ “god you’re so sensitive can you not even take a joke”

I think our experiences make us people pleasers too, often at a cost to our own well being. Not making a fuss become second nature to us.

I worked for a while in a bank and was put in a role - not through my choosing - of customer service, “because you’re very good at diffusing potentially confrontational situations” It was a survival skill I learnt from a very early age! For self preservation I had to anticipate trouble and techniques for attempting to and deflecting the irrational, unpredictable targeting. One thing I did learn is most narcs are so vain, if you get them talking about themselves or compliment them, it generally and temporarily redirects their focus.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas The exact thing happened with me at work too. I worked in healthcare and was always allocated the 'difficult' patients or patients with 'difficult' relatives.

Whenever I hear someone describe themselves as an empath. I always wonder what trauma or traumatic person was in their life growing up, because it's not really empathy, its hyper-vigilance and the skill of decoding verbal tones and nonverbal signals that you develop as a survival mechanism.
It's a survival skill I was taught because my mother was so volatile she could go from happy and laughing to plate-smashing fury in a span of 10 minutes for no apparent reason, so we all learned how to placate and spot signs from a young age.

My DM would sneer or scoff if I was complimented in her hearing about anything. I know she wanted to abort me. A member of her family said recently when she was complaining about her life that she had a faithful man and a beautiful daughter. Yep she sneered.

But she was like it with others too. When our neighbours were fussing over their baby DGD and saying how beautiful she was she bitterly sneered that she wasn't. She just couldn't be happy for anyone.

She used to brag to me about one of her "friend's" daughter's being successful (which was nothing to do with her) and then when the daughter had drug problems she sneered to me about it.

I've been a life long people pleaser because of her and my anxiety can be crippling. And I've been taken advantage of because of it. If someone mistreated me she either ignored it or blamed me.

Nothing I ever did was good enough because she claimed she was more beautiful or better than me. When I started dying my hair instead of complimenting me (like I do with my DS and DSD) or just saying nothing, she'd stroke her own hair whilst declaring hers was better because it was natural. It wasn't. She always had horrible, unfashionable hair. I did well at school and according to her it was because it was easy. I got a degree, easy. A good career, easy. A lovely home, no it was too small and again easy if I could do it. Even though she had none of these things and when she tried to get 2 GCSEs she failed spectacularly.

I find it so hard because I want the world for my two and I've tried really hard to help. I've always said to them, good or bad (especially bad) come to me.

She wanted me to have nothing because then she could crow.

God I hate her.

@user1471538283 every right to hate her. Nothing is every good enough! Come second in class exams, why weren't you first, dopey. Come first - then it was too easy, maybe the teacher made a mistake - we can never win! But you are breaking her thread and being a great supportive mum who will be loved back.

Your right. I guess years of this I just pushed it down. But it had an adverse affect on me. I did become a yes person a people pleaser. And I unfortunatly ended up in some horrible situations, sexual assault at work and at school because I always felt it was my fault or it was normal and never spoke out never defended myself.

I am finally in a normal relationship and I did get therapy CBT later in life.

DM is in my life but not close very distant and we live far away so barely see her and keep contact to a minimum.

@user1471538283 oh yes I was / am reminded I was not planned was an accident very often. My older siblings were very much wanted and planned.

@KaleQueen that is so similar to my experince. If I ever got emotional or cried about what's she did or anything that happened to me she would roll her eyes and say "here we got again". "You're sick in the head".

sigh I have never shared the full extent with anyone. But feel safe to do so here with so many similar experiences.

Yeah I’ve been told I’m sick in the head too. Pure projection. My friends tell me I’m one of the wisest people they know. And funniest. My mother….can’t keep a friend more than six months. Goes all in with them then has a massive fall out and moves onto the next. I struggle to make friends as struggle to trust but those I do have have been in my life for 20 plus years. Speaks volumes really…

I've read a little bit of the thread and I'm only just coming to terms with what my mother is.

She is a failure as a parent. A bully. Abusive and manipulative. And I've wasted so much of my life not making the choices I want, but those that resulted in less judgement.

Judgement of a woman who has achieved nothing but has a fucking opinion on everything I do. She is a "nasty loser" to quote what she has called me when she wasn't bullying me into getting her own way once. There's so much she has done. It's jealousy. No one is better than her. Any achievement of mine is passed off as "look what she, the marvellous mother produced."

She is forever the victim and today is the first day towards getting her out of my life.

I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of this thread. Maybe validation that I'm not alone. That it's not me. It feels good to say it all for the first time.

Welcome @StopInhalingRevels feel free to vent away, it's good to get it off your chest sometimes. Makes you realise that you are not alone in this because they are very good at presenting only their good side to the rest of the world.

Thank you.

She's been so overbearing, interfering, controlling and demanding I do as she says that I've never changed from a child to an adult and always done my best to please her.

It's only today, that I read something, on another thread and I thought, my god that's my mother to a tee, and the daughter was completely no contact, and the idea of that virtually gives me butterflies. It's never even occurred to me that it's an option. I've been so brainwashed and manipulated that I have to do what she wants, or else.

I'm forty fucking years old. No I don't have to do anything you tell me and fuck your nasty judgement and abusive comments!!!!!!!! And it's only today I've felt this. It's quite an overwhelming feeling.

Thank you for giving me a safe space to vent, and my strong solidarity to everyone else on this thread. May we get them out of our lives. I feel like I'm ready to live for the first time.

@StopInhalingRevels - You are not alone, you've got us!

If you manage to read this thread and the other two you will see that your DM isn't special. All these narcs are the same spiteful, selfish, self absorbed and nasty women.

My DM achieved absolutely nothing as well. For all her scheming and every single second of every single day thinking of what she could get of someone or what was in it for her she ended up dying alone (which she dreaded apparently) and didn't have one single friend come to her funeral. So what was the point?

Talk and the written word disperses pain so share as much as you'd like. We all know what it's like.

I had some choice opinions from my DM over the years.

Taking my DS to London on my own was "too dangerous" (I lived there for 4 years and it's hardly Sierra Leone and she never thought it was dangerous when it was me), my DS going to a very good kindergarten so I could work was "leaving him with strangers" (she never worked and I had to), any job I had "well it must be easy", any qualification including my degree "not as difficult as it was in her day" (she didn't have any qualifications), my friends "well I've got lots more friends" and "I get on better with the younger generation" (no evidence of these friends or her younger generation friends so I assume she meant mine who oddly enough never bothered with her once I left home", learning to drive "that's easy" (she never had one lesson). On and on. She was insufferable. It was competition and jealousy.