MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

Your dc had good senses not to interact with fil.

The timing of the fall out wasn’t ideal. Not sure why the kids were upset, but I’m assuming they ended up being involved. Your eldest won’t get close to his grandad now he’s shown his true colours.

@Willmafrockfit

Imo whatever dh wants to do is a separate matter. The minute the pil's put them in that position it became about op too. Even if dh chooses to see them again, op doesnt have to

think your mil has really shown her true colours, she should have been delighted to look after your kids,

Hahaha! Have you even read the thread?!

It's certainly a very unpleasant situation to be in. To cut all ties and contact is extreme and should be done only after all other avenues of building bridges are exhausted. It may be nothing can be done. Without really knowing the big picture on either sides its difficult to advise and irresponsible too. A professional mediator may be the best approach if both parties agree. I really hope you and your family find a solution.

It sounds horrific for you and your children, as well as your Mother in Law, two grown men shouting, threatening violence.
Whatever your husband has been through, BOTH males were wrong in this instance.
I'm sorry, but I think it is unfair of you to have entitled this post 'MIL...', as from your very long description, FIL and your DH were the key players in this.
You bear the brunt of the parenting and household load both in daily living AND, seemingly, on this holiday, too.
As parents, both of you best responsibility for not shitting this shit show down before it reached this point.
However, I genuinely feel for you, the children and MIL during this escalation of events.
No, you would not be unreasonable to go NC with your husband's parents.
Has your husband ever had any therapy around his childhood and relationship with his parents.
In conclusion, I think you might benefit from exploring why your husband does so little household and daily living tasks, as you are doing far, far too much. Can anything else be outsourced, so that your time with your little ones is less impacted by having to do pretty much everything at home?
X

If MIL does all the chores then the husband may see this as the norm for women to run the house and manage the children. Naturally this isn't the case these days and parenting is a shared responsibility in my own experience.

Your FiL does sound like a nasty person. But expecting in laws to look after 3 young children who they don’t know very well and who spend more of their waking hours with your nanny than yourself, when your children were likely desperate to spend time with the people who chose to bring them into the world, you and your DH. Imagine being told by your DH how much he loves you and books a holiday for you and then when he gets there says ‘I need a break from you’. Maybe your children were a bit clingy - that’s because they didn’t want to be looked after by people they barely know, any more than those people thought the holiday they partially paid for was a babysitting offer.

adult holiday time is hard bordering impossible with three small children. Welcome to being a parent. Dump the father I. Law because he sounds horrid, but enjoy your children, they need their parents time for their mental health, you need to get to know them so that you can watch out that they don’t suffer from the issues that you now say you DH does. This lack of confidence doesn’t just come from bullying fathers, it comes from absent parenting and not having secure long term relationships with care givers. I don’t blame you MiL for not wanting to babysit children she doesn’t have a close bond with. BUT 67 isn’t old!

My own parents babysat twice in 22 years and both times I had to ask and they were not keen. I had to respect that as in every other way they have been kind interested grandparents. It would have been nice to have a few adult only breaks but now all three have left home we are making up for it!

why is it even necessary to ask about cutting ties? I’m not sure I would have stuck it out past 3 days

I also appreciate the advice about holidays going forward and what to do. I think we did have the wrong expectation going into this holiday of thinking we may have a chance to have some quality time together. My ILs were quite clearly the wrong people to help us look after our dear children due to their ages and different parenting techniques and personalities.

I still can't believe how entitled this is. Two people, who paid for your holiday, cooked and cleaned up after you, did your washing, (whilst supposing to be actually having a holiday themselves!!!) are indeed the "wrong people" to be further looking after your 3 children so you can get quality time to yourself after you've already swanned out one evening for a meal just the two of you! And not because they have different parenting techniques! Are you hearing yourself out loud?! Actually, entitled doesn't even come close.

If you can't ever afford a babysitter, then you shouldn't have had 3 children. Most people don't. It's not other people's duty to give you a break from the choices you made, but for you to actually think they're at fault for not doing so? Jesus.

Depends how important having free accommodation, your food prepared for you, your washing done for you and some childcare that you consider inadequate. It would get some people past 3 days.

Sounds like alcohol loosened their tongues.