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Original poster

MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

386 replies

Mamma41 · 13/09/2023 07:23

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/09/2023 08:23

So your ILs had two weeks back to back with young DCs?

Why haven't you taken a holiday in 5 years ? I have no criticism of you having a nanny and working long hours, but shouldn't that enable you to spend family time on holidays with paid for childcare?

It all sounds ridiculous and FIL sounds unpleasant, but honestly your expectations from this free holiday were mismatched from the start.

Womencanlift · 13/09/2023 08:24

Interesting that your title only makes reference to your MIL when your fight was with both PILs

But agree with others you are all as bad as each other and no one needs to hear a running commentary on what you are up to. No wonder they made a comment about it, that is bloody annoying

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 13/09/2023 08:25

Kissmas · 13/09/2023 08:13

Ugh, the talking out loud thing drives me fucking insane. There was a woman doing this all day at the pool on holiday, neither the kids nor her husband batted an eyelid. They were all quite content sitting, playing, splashing about. Meanwhile, "okay joshy, mummy is just going to fold these towels and then we'll get you a drink. Adam, mummy will have to pop more suncream on you in a second won't she? Oh look there's Erica! You remember Erica? From the disco, mummy is just going to wave to Erica and then we will get you a sandwich. Or a pizza. You like the pizza don't you? Shall we ask daddy to get you some pizza? Daddy, should we get a pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

FUCK OFF! Seriously.

Why are you blaming a 67 year old woman who has babysat 3 little ones, cooked and cleaned up after 7 people on holiday. Been asked to do even more than that and had to listen to the incessant wittering from her DIL while her "gentle giant" sweary son (who throws his mums phone in a bush Confused) makes digs at her big fat boozy pig of a husband?

It all sounds a shit show but yes this re the martyrdom 'woe is busy me' this should have been directed at your dh if tasks were needed done for your and his children!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 3 year olds 4 year olds Families
WunWun · 13/09/2023 08:25

I would definitely never say another word to them again as long as they live. Your poor children!

Commonhousewitch · 13/09/2023 08:27

Ive reread your post a couple of time- no idea exactly what your MIL did wrong - other than fail to defuse the situation (like you!).
Your FIL sounds a jerk but your MIL was the one who took on extra work. You and DH were just looking after your won children (and had babysitters some of the time) But i tend to agree with Katrinawaves - what were you expecting - that you'd get to lounge around while they cooked/shopped and looked after your children?

ichundich · 13/09/2023 08:28

They sound rough as fuck. I think you're better off without them, but sorry about your holiday experience.

CurlewKate · 13/09/2023 08:32

Well, nobody's really covered themselves in glory, have they? Why is your thread title about your MIL when the issue seems to be between your dp and his father? It sounds as if she is in an abusive relationship.

What does your dp want to do?

Sirzy · 13/09/2023 08:32

Katrinawaves · 13/09/2023 07:49

What I’m understanding from your post is

  1. Your PIL invited you on holiday for a week at their expense (you paid your own travel but they paid the accommodation costs)
  2. they babysat your young children twice in the first 5 days even though they don’t know them all that well but you bagged them to do more than that
  3. you spend the first 5 days being a passive aggressive martyr keeping up a running commentary of all the chores you were doing in the hope that someone would step in and help you with them rather than just asking directly for help
  4. your husband lost his rag and confronted his parents when they had had quite a bit to drink with a litany of complaints about his childhood, things escalated and they asked you to leave

Honestly I don’t think either your family or PIL come out well in all of this. In their shoes I might have asked you to cut the holiday short and leave the next morning if the row was as nasty as you claim but kicking you all out in the middle of the night was extreme. It sounds like it was a violent argument though if your FIL threatened to hit your DH and your DH was screaming and swearing to the extent that the police were almost called! On the other hand it sounds like you were entitled and ungracious guests and it sounds like some very hurtful stuff was said to and about the PIL which was not actually relevant to the trigger for the argument. If your DH had such an unhappy childhood why was he accepting a free holiday from his parents, expecting them to be on sole care of his own children on multiple occasions on the holiday and why has he never raised any of it with them before?

Up to you what you do next - or rather your DH. Some therapy to understand his childhood experiences and to determine whether this is something he needs to and wants to explore with his parents in a more controlled way and without any alcohol involved in the equation.

This seems the best summary.

WandaWonder · 13/09/2023 08:34

Katrinawaves · 13/09/2023 07:49

What I’m understanding from your post is

  1. Your PIL invited you on holiday for a week at their expense (you paid your own travel but they paid the accommodation costs)
  2. they babysat your young children twice in the first 5 days even though they don’t know them all that well but you bagged them to do more than that
  3. you spend the first 5 days being a passive aggressive martyr keeping up a running commentary of all the chores you were doing in the hope that someone would step in and help you with them rather than just asking directly for help
  4. your husband lost his rag and confronted his parents when they had had quite a bit to drink with a litany of complaints about his childhood, things escalated and they asked you to leave

Honestly I don’t think either your family or PIL come out well in all of this. In their shoes I might have asked you to cut the holiday short and leave the next morning if the row was as nasty as you claim but kicking you all out in the middle of the night was extreme. It sounds like it was a violent argument though if your FIL threatened to hit your DH and your DH was screaming and swearing to the extent that the police were almost called! On the other hand it sounds like you were entitled and ungracious guests and it sounds like some very hurtful stuff was said to and about the PIL which was not actually relevant to the trigger for the argument. If your DH had such an unhappy childhood why was he accepting a free holiday from his parents, expecting them to be on sole care of his own children on multiple occasions on the holiday and why has he never raised any of it with them before?

Up to you what you do next - or rather your DH. Some therapy to understand his childhood experiences and to determine whether this is something he needs to and wants to explore with his parents in a more controlled way and without any alcohol involved in the equation.

This sums it up, but if he wants to see then now fine he can you should not comment on that, it is your choice not to but he has every right too

Katrinawaves · 13/09/2023 08:36

And I never understand why some posters think swearing or raising your voice when upset is anywhere near on the same level of bad behaviour as violence or threats of violence, although I do think throwing her phone was taking it far too far and lost some of the higher ground.

You don’t understand how a large imposing younger man screaming and swearing at a disabled older man with mobility issues and an older woman and physically grabbing their phone and throwing it away to prevent them from calling help would be as intimidating and aggressive as indicating that you would defend yourself by physical force against unprovoked aggression?

Saharafordessert · 13/09/2023 08:38

You all sound as bad as each other.
Yes, indeed, your PILs sound utterly dreadful but no doubt resentment built if mil was doing all the cooking and cleaning whilst you sorted your children.
It’s your responsibility to holiday rather than relying on them and surely if you work all the hours and employ a nanny you can afford a break, even if it’s a budget one.
I would go low contact as the family dynamics aren’t at all healthy but really it’s up to DH. Maybe some counselling as others have suggested would be helpful.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 13/09/2023 08:39

I don't think you need to make a decision.
Just say that until you have a full, heartfelt apology you will have no further contact.
He'll with freeze over before he apologises.

FunViolet · 13/09/2023 08:42

Another one agreeing with @Katrinawaves.

I'd have pushed you in the pool after a few hours of the passive aggressive talking out loud parenting/martyrdom tbf.

doglikescheeseontoast · 13/09/2023 08:45

@Katrinawaves has it spot on. I have to ask though, WHY did you pack up and leave, causing all that distress to your son? Instead of any one of you saying 'come on, we're all tired, let's all go to bed, it will all feel different in the morning'?

You chose to put your children through that.

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2023 08:47

what were your expectations of a holiday with 3 young children - laying down by the pool and sleeping is a luxury on holiday with children and you seem upset that you did all the looking after of your own children ignoring the fact that you did no cooking or washing.

and your DH started the row with home truths about his childhood - what did you expect.

Simplelobsterhat · 13/09/2023 08:49

Katrinawaves · 13/09/2023 08:36

And I never understand why some posters think swearing or raising your voice when upset is anywhere near on the same level of bad behaviour as violence or threats of violence, although I do think throwing her phone was taking it far too far and lost some of the higher ground.

You don’t understand how a large imposing younger man screaming and swearing at a disabled older man with mobility issues and an older woman and physically grabbing their phone and throwing it away to prevent them from calling help would be as intimidating and aggressive as indicating that you would defend yourself by physical force against unprovoked aggression?

I do see what you mean and the phone throwing is totally unacceptable I agree but fil was the one who offered him a punch up. If OP is telling the order of events right there was no violence or threats of violence before then. I just don't think failing to speak calmly at all times when talking about deeply personal upsetting stuff deserves your own father threatening to punch you. Nor do I think the police should be called because somebody swears.

However, yes I do see that maybe from the in laws view DH was more aggressive than op makes out..we can't really know that. I guess with FILs comments implying he doesn't think the small children are 'manly /hard' enough I'm picturing him being the type who has probably be threatening DH with violence for having feelings since he was small, but I realise I'm assuming a lot there!

ClairDeLaLune · 13/09/2023 08:53

Agree with @Katrinawaves

Yes your FIL sounds awful and a bully, and it sounds like there’s a lot of issues from your DH’s childhood.

But it does sound like your poor MIL had to skivvy for everyone the whole holiday while all you did was look after your kids and you kept trying to get help with that too, including with the annoying passive aggressive martyring of yourself. Then you blame her in your title!

Sirzy · 13/09/2023 08:53

doglikescheeseontoast · 13/09/2023 08:45

@Katrinawaves has it spot on. I have to ask though, WHY did you pack up and leave, causing all that distress to your son? Instead of any one of you saying 'come on, we're all tired, let's all go to bed, it will all feel different in the morning'?

You chose to put your children through that.

That wouldn’t have been as dramatic!

LaMarschallin · 13/09/2023 08:57

Like other posters I think Katrinawaves summed it up well.
I'd put a (small) bet on there being a drip feed to come, though.

TheClitterati · 13/09/2023 08:59

Just wanted to add you don't really get to relax around a pool until your youngest is old enough to safely be in and around water without proper supervision- that is many years away.

I've been on many holidays with my young DC. None of which were particularly relaxing. Unless you can afford to employ help, relaxing holidays aren't really an option for quite some time.

I wouldn't want to supervise 3 under 5's around water - very stressful.

Positive41 · 13/09/2023 09:00

I don't care who was in the wrong as adults bickering on holiday.

BUT you NEVER throw the children out. EVER. For that alone, I would never speak to them again.

Simplelobsterhat · 13/09/2023 09:01

Sirzy · 13/09/2023 08:53

That wouldn’t have been as dramatic!

Show quote history

But op said fil, whose villa it was,told them to leave. It wasnt their choice. Surely refusing would have escalated further? It must have been very upsetting for the kids though. How do you even explain that to them?

BalletBob · 13/09/2023 09:04

I think all the adults behaved pretty appallingly by the sounds of it. Mostly you and your DH, tbh.

You and your husband did not contribute to the holiday by taking care of your own kids. You're their parents; it's your job. You should still have been doing all the laundry, shopping, cleaning and cooking at least for your family of five just to pull your own weight. It would have been nice if you'd actually done more then your fair share to thank them for the holiday.

The constant narrating and childish passive aggressive description of what you're doing in the hope that someone else will come and do a chore with you would wear thin very quickly.

Your PIL generously babysat one night so you could go out. That is a big ask for hands-off grandparents with 3 small children, including a baby. But you weren't happy with that. You also wanted them to babysit over a lunchtime, which they quite reasonably declined. And then you're annoyed that they "only" watched them in the pool for an hour while you lounged around and your husband slept?? They are family who paid for your holiday accommodation, not your hired help. Watch your own kids.

You've excused and minimised your husband's behaviour during the big argument, but if he was swearing and threw away his mother's phone (which she was going to call the police on - for good reason perhaps) then he's got to take responsibility for that and you can't be surprised that you were asked to leave. It sounds like he was out of control.

PIL's language and judgement towards the children is disgusting and for that reason alone I would not be allowing unsupervised contact. But then you and your husband spent all week trying to palm your kids off on him and MIL which is difficult to understand if he was genuinely so awful and DH had such a terrible upbringing. No way I'd leave my kids alone with someone who bullied me and thinks my 2 year old "has no balls". It's very strange decision making. I'm taking the descriptions of FIL's behaviour with huge shovelfuls of salt given the way you've minimised your husband's behaviour.

Really it's up to your DH what he does. You don't have to see them if you don't want to and you don't have to let the kids be with them unsupervised but if you're only seeing them a few times a year anyway then I'd just follow DH's lead.

CheesusWept · 13/09/2023 09:06

I don’t think you come out of this well at all.

Am I the only one surprised that you left 3 very young children in a pool with 2 people they barely know whilst you and your husband slept?

They gave you an evening ‘off’ so that you and your husband could go out, and then you had the cheek to ask them to watch your kids the next day too.

I’d be interested to hear your PIL version of events.

AIstolemylunch · 13/09/2023 09:09

No good now but the only holiday you ever go on with 3 young children is a nice child friendly hotel, with a children's tea a great kids club and a babysitting service. That is the only way you'll ever get to lie by the pool for an hour or have any sort of holiday yourself. Never rely on family. They won't take on what you have created - a family of 3 young boys. Trust me, I've been there. Fork out for a holiday on your own terms.