MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

Let your DH go NC, he’ll feel so much lighter. He’ll go over everything in his life and see it in a different light now.

I like the way you talk to your children and describe what you’re doing, I actually think it’s very healthy and let’s them know what to expect and I proves their language skills and emotionally health. Don’t change.

67 isn't old..plus it's a few holiday clothes not a weeks mud challenge attire. The baby is 8 months old ffs. Dreadful inlaws..sound like functioning alcoholics. Disgusting to make remarks about any child like that let alone grandchildren. Poor kids..Best off not seeing drunk nanny and grandad anymore

If it’s just a few holiday clothes why didn’t OP do her children’s washing? She treated her Mil like staff.

Problem is if they are so bad drunks why was it ok to leave kids in their care so they can go out?

You live in hope until they let you down. I am wondering why it's okay to chuck out a young family.

The situation escalated and it wasn't safe anymore. Fault lies at both sides.

The op and her husband should never have accepted the holiday if they knew that they were unpredictable and volatile. Hopefully they will move on and learn from this for their children's sake.

Yuk. What a horrible judgmental response.

Is there a history of favoritism between DH and BIL? This situation seems like BIL may be the golden child or favored child and DH is the scapegoat or problem child. Often, these roles are carried on in the next generation. The children of the golden child are the favored of the grandchildren. The children of the scapegoat are often criticized or ignored. How do PIL treat you all when BIL and his family are there?

I’m the daughter of a scapegoat on one side of the family. I’ve spent my entire life watching the other grandchildren be praised and spoiled while I was criticized, insulted and expected to work and sacrifice for the rest of the family. I’ve massively limited contact and cut off most of that side of my family to protect my children from becoming the next generation of scapegoats.

On the other side of my family, I’m the first generation scapegoat. Not only did my parent and step parent favor my sibling and step sibling, they actively tried to sabotage my education, social life and mental and physical health. I’ve always been the well behaved, driven, overachiever who made friends easily. My sibling and step sibling were not. Instead of focusing and helping them improve, my parent and stepparent chose to try to hinder me. My wedding was a fiasco because I married before my siblings, so everyone misbehaved.

After I had children, it seemed to get better. Mine were the only grandchildren for several years and during that time I was finally treated as well as my siblings and my children were well treated. Once my siblings started having kids, I went back to being the scapegoat and it became clear that my children were the scapegoat grandchildren. We have limited contact/cut off that side of my family as well.

I’m working on fixing the damage that favoritism did to me and making sure that my children aren’t further damaged by it. Unfortunately, my children witnessed the favoritism shown to their cousins and were old enough to understand and be hurt by it. They also witnessed my DH and I standing up for them and cutting off the people who did that.

While it is ultimately up to OP’s DH if he wishes to continue/resume a relationship with his parents, if favoritism is going on, the OP needs to protect her children and herself from it. If that means they no longer have a relationship with PIL, then that is what OP needs to do.

I’m honestly so appalled by their actions

@Katrinawaves has covered it so well.

The argument sounds awful- terrible for children to witness. FIL throwing you all out was an overreaction. Your DH doesn’t come off great either to be honest… shouting, screaming, throwing. My God. Not surprised you mil got fed up, cooking, washing and babysitting. Your FIL comments regarding a child are disgusting.

In part I agree with this, but it's not fair nor true to say that MIL kicked you all out in the headline. More like FIL instigated it by his manner and offering a punch-up.

MIL called your bluff by giving you your wet washing back as if to say "as you are packing to go, you will need these".

I get the impression that MIL is controlled by FIL: he sounds like an arrogant, controlling, nasty bastard who is lazy and complacent also. Why go on holiday with them if there has always been friction between your DH and FIL? Quite possibly the worst idea and situation ever.

I went on holiday with my daughter, my dad and his ex-gf to Ibiza 7 years ago and that was just hideous because his ex and I never got on: she belittled me in every way and made it so obvious that she wasn't willing to share my dad with us. She wanted him to be doing things for her every time without us being around, i.e. asking my dad to take her out to expensive restaurants without us and leaving us in the hotel to fend for ourselves and entertain ourselves. He refused her requests so they had rows about it. His attitude was we were all there to be together on holiday despite my saying to him/them that we would be alright a couple times for them to go out without us. I was trying to be flexible, but it made no difference. His ex wasn't happy with my 'olive branch' so to speak.

Life is hard. Choose your friends wisely. You can even choose your relatives,
Keep the good ones,.blank the bad ones and don't let a drunken fil near you or your children

It’s fair. There’s blame on both sides.

To all who say you and hubby are at fault, you are NOT at fault. You have a good husband and great kids and your in-laws had no right to talk to your young children the way they did. As for the one who said it was to much for mother in law to do the cooking, I say phooey as you and your family were there as guests. I am 67,hubby's 71 and quite honestly I don't mind cooking for guests, heck sounds like you have enough to do already and deserve a lovely holiday. As for in laws being drinkers, me I would have packed up the day after I arrived as children do NOT need to see that happening. You did nothing wrong!

Fists may not have been involved but your husband was most definitely abused,I can tell you from personal experience it leaves deeper scars and alcoholics can be especially cruel when the internal filter is removed. Your husband is right to walk away and whilst difficult,for his sanity he will be better in the long run.Until your in laws except responsibility for the treatment of their kids and the long term effects ,or at least agree to discuss, the relationship cannot really move forward positively.
Your husband has a new family now and is clearly well loved by a supportive wife, just be there for him. He may not want to talk about it,many of us ( especially blokes) feel uncomfortable doing so, if we have not been raised in a warm supportive home where feelings were not discussed but derided ,and we were made to feel weak. Personally I knew what the phrase” emotional blackmail” meant from age 6, if I cried this was apparently my crime, but this isn’t about me.
On a side note,what on Earth is your nanny doing all day if you’re the one doing housework? You manage to do housework and look after kids when you’re home,is she just sat on her bum in front of tv,if so you have a babysitter not a nanny . When I was a nanny I did everything in the house as well as child care.

I think many things are happening at once.

Firstly they're cunts who call two year olds babies with 'no balls'. Well duh they're a toddler.

Secondly, they don't know your children and it seems don't like them.

Thirdly, they ARE getting on in years and you have 3 children it's too much for them.

Oh and your FIL is an arsehole

✂️

Your nanny is HARDLY gonna criticise your parenting if you are paying her wages x

Shat out her vagina !!! The WORST comment I’ve EVER seen online

I’m sorry your holiday didn’t turn out to be what you’d hoped. The positive from this whole experience is that your DH has stood up to his father and, in doing so, taken back some control in their relationship. He obviously feels safe with you and his own little family to now be able to do that. Your FIL will not like the loss of power and although it’s difficult, you may have to accept a very distant relationship going forward. My view is that you should keep that distance for now and concentrate on your own family- leave the door ajar (e.g. cards etc.) so that if PIL decide they want to resume a relationship on more equal terms they can do. If they don’t, that’s sad but their loss. Appreciate it’s all very stressful but focus on what you have - a loving, supportive DH and your little boys who I think you’re parenting perfectly x

FIL sounds utterly toxic and MIL not much better.
in my experience freeing yourself from toxic family relationships is often the right thing to do ultimately .

As you said your DH is ready to cut ties and seems like you are aswell, in all fairness I would be aswell.
My father is the same as your fil and I've had to cut all ties not just for my health but also my families.
What they did was disgusting and seems the mil is possibly a victim to his abuse aswell hence why she did not intervene maybe or she might be in genuine agreement with him,,, either way it won't fix anything.
Do what's best for your family and continue to support DH it's not easy having parents like this and I hope you DH can find some comfort and the courage to continue to assert his boundaries to them and do what's best for himself and his immediate family ( you and kids ).

Personally I would find it extremely difficult to ever get past the kicking out of me, DH and kids in a foreign country with no where to go if I was in the situation.

This sounds like an awful situation and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

It sounds like MIL and FIL were comparing the behaviours of BIL's children to your own and there was a pre-conceived expectation there that didn't match up. What you may be used to, they clearly are not so they refused to watch your kids which is ok, it was just too much for them to handle. What you know as 'normal' behaviour was obviously too much for them.

Sounds like FIL is awful but on the other hand, DH should have maybe held off on the childhood trauma full conversation until he got home, on holiday is not the place to have these long drawn out conversations where offence is obviously going to be taken. Although FIL's behaviour was intolerable, it sounds like he felt disrespected in his own home and just wanted DH out. Maybe a better action, when FIL's behaviour was escalating, would have been to just both make your excuses and go to bed. Plus you mention FIL is a heavy drinker and you both don't drink a lot so trying to argue with a drunk person is never going to end well.

Now you're home, I would address the situation with MIL and FIL (even over video call), relay your disappointment and set out your expectations for the relationship going forward. If you want no contact with them, that's fine, but explain that FIL's manner, the issues with DH growing up and throwing you and your children out into the street in the middle of the night in tears is unacceptable so you don't want to ever speak to them or hear from them again.

That shows a level of maturity and the fact you are addressing the fact that bad behaviour won't be tolerated.

Good luck!