MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

They sound toxic , reminds me of my parents in the dynamics of it. Keep well away and get your own Villa next time x

Family holidays are often a mistake, not for everyone, but for lots of people. A bit like Christmas-you romanticise how it will be, but in reality, it doesn’t quite live up to it.
On top of that, your dh sounds like he has had a challenging upbringing, which has added to the problem.
If it were me, I would distance myself for the time being and see how things go. Perhaps counselling for you dh to help with his childhood?

The in laws are emotionally & verbally abusive & your partner & his brother have been on the end of that all of their lives.
No-one invites someone else on holiday then kicks them out of the property in the middle of the night & doing it while you have young children is just nit forgivable at all.
If you have no reason to have these people in your life I would either stop contact altogether or keep contact to an absolute minimum.
I have this set up with my family due to certain members doing nothing but causing drama & hurt for others then playing the victim when people call them out on their behaviour.

Narcissists come in all guises.

Hugs

They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation.

Yeah, this is the worst kind of drunkard, the aggressive one that gets his kicks from ruining everyone's lives. FIL has already ruined the life of MIL and of his own son and now you and your children could be next. I understand why your DH has reacted like this. Poor OP, poor DH, poor little ones. Stay away from these PILs, nobody needs this kind of bullying.

I can imagine this unfolding. My step father is very much like this. He baits you until you snap.

IM (considerable)E, parents who spend all their time at work are the same parents who try to offload their children onto other people the minute they have to spend time with them.

Passive aggressive "look how busy I am" is also very annoying (as OP says, I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!) If you want help, ask for it directly. Talking to young children about what you're doing is a very different matter, and is entirely normal and desirable.

A 4 yr old shouldn't have and doesn't need an iPad.

All that said, FIL sounds awful. But none of the adults is covered in glory here.

I know a few men like this. The replies blaming OP's DH are completely ridiculous. "Pensioner father" my arse, I bet he was intimidating, drunk and aggressive in his 30s.

Just don't speak to them. If DH doesn't want to, great. You can forget they exist.

Looks like an app to find illegal unregistered childcare @LindaRoss

No one is defending the FIL, have a look at the title of the thread - the MIL is being blamed for this, you know the one who has cooked and done the washing all week and babysat the children and looked after them in the swimming pool.

To be fair at the point he said my son had no balls I’d have packed up and left…..

Truly despicable behaviour on the part of your inlaws. And well done on your OH for standing up to it.

But OMG. Cut n run.

Don't look back.
Get therapy.

Live happy lives.

The end.

Some people don't deserve kids, let alone grandkids.

Your in laws sound like a piece of work and you don't need that in your lives. But your DH will need therapy.

There are various threads on here and FB groups about being LC or NC with people like this.
No contact or low contact.

IME you would be wise to stay NC for a while. 6 months. A year. Or more. The holiday memory will be too raw for a while to deal with LC.

(No contact or low contact).
If you only saw them 3 - 4 times a year in the past then 3 times in the next 5 years might be a good LC approach.....

It's tough but really only at times of the year when it feels like everyone else is hanging out as happy families. Or at major kid milestones.

Whatever you do don't make the mistake of trying to see them over Christmas. Or birthdays.

That would be too stressful.

Take it one day at a time and get a therapist asap if you can.

Best of luck.

Yes talking out loud about all the work you are doing because you want help is very irritating behaviour. I agree with others there. Also, expecting PIL to do childcare so you can relax - when MIL is doing way more than her fair share anyway, is entitled. I guess with a nanny you are not used to being the one mainly responsible for the care of the kids, but you can’t expect pil to be proxy nannies. Next time, I’d take the nanny on hols.

They're arseholes

No 4 Yr old needs an ipad

Oh my gosh OP, I’m so annoyed on your behalf. I feel so angry for you. Absolutely cut all ties. You can’t be having that. Any communication now goes through DH and his parents, but if I were you I and my kids would be having zero contact with them again. Can you imagine ever treating your kids like that? No, of course you can’t. Have done with them now. NC

Sorry for your experience- this is traumatic all round. It’s a nasty power play by PIL - and while you might be right that they were fatigued by previous visitors, they have behaved terribly.

They are a nasty entitled generation- and FIL sounds like he would have deserved the punch he was looking for. Not sure your DH could feel any worse if he had.

DH should seek counselling for this because his feelings expressed were not acknowledged and he has let his anger and hurt get out of hand. He has probably had a lifetime of negative experiences and role modelling from FIL, and would do well to excise him and his behaviour for the future.

MIL will be hurting, but unless an apology is forthcoming, DH should seek help to let them go in peace. For good of all, but mostly for his own sake. Being kicked out in the night with nowhere to go in a foreign country with dependents is an abandonment trauma. His happiness and wellbeing will inform how children cope too.

It was very OTT to throw you all out in the middle of the night. Your MiL has done nothing wrong. She shopped, cooked and cleaned for 7 people. Not much of a holiday for her. Also she babysat so you and DH could have an evening out, then played with DC again so you could just lie by the pool for an hour. I think you were pushing your luck asking her to babysit a third time so you could have lunch out with DH. These grandparents are getting on a bit and not used to so many little ones. Your FiL and DH don't sound very nice. Both behaved badly and neither seem to have done anything to help i.e. cook a meal. At least your DH backed you up and didn't let FiL bully you. This talking to your kids all the time in running commentary format, is very annoying though. You might want to think about that. I think it's perfectly reasonable you go NC with in-laws.

Simply no, your dear PIL can just fuck off

What’s “they’re a nasty entitled generation “ supposed to mean? You wouldn’t be saying that everyone in their late 60s behaves like this FIL, would you?

OP you sound like you have a lovely family and a husband who backs you up. Leave your in laws to it. Honestly they sound awful and it's their loss not yours

Actually yes, they are, saying the DH "lost control" and had a go at his "pensioner" father. And the OP said she meant to type PIL in the title in one of her 2 replies.

Yes along with the other bits of the story that changed. So easy to hit M when you meant to hit P.

Well he did lose control and had a go at his father but that doesn't mean they are defending his father, his father was awful but her husband still lost control took his mother's phone and threw it away, that isn't the action of someone in control.

OP you sound so nice.

I have exactly the same age gaps and until my youngest turned 3 life was WILD. You have my every sympathy. I wasn't the best version of myself as I was exhausted the whole time.

I am very lucky to have lovely supportive parents. You deserve that too but well done for not exposing your boys to this toxicity any longer.

Mine are 7, 9 and 11 now and it's lovely.

Sounds awful and really was horrible of them to ask you to leave with 3 young children in the middle of the night. That’s really shocking behaviour and you’re right in that they probably had enough of young kids by then and should have through this all through before inviting you both.

Should this be the end of the relationship altogether? I would think that’s a bit drastic, but obviously hard to say without knowing the full relationship etc. If that’s what your DH wants right now then obviously go with it but perhaps in time if an apology is forthcoming things could be repaired.

Some of these reply’s are aggressive, phew 😥

yes they offered for you to come to the villa, but that doesn’t mean FIL had any right to call your 4 year old son unmanly at 4 years old that he has no balls, is a bloody awful and insulting thing to say about a small child, 🤦‍♀️ the nastys seemed to have missed that one. No wonder you and DH was upset, that is his son and his parents, if he was spoken to that way when he was little, then no wonder it was a trigger for DH. Or toddlers who are abroad in the heat, to not be cracky is unrealistic.

iv got 3 kids, never used to talk away about what I’m doing but since having kids I do as well! It comes with teaching kids to talk and them to understand it’s not all play other things like house work/looking after baby have to be done. My youngest is non verbal autistic so I talk alot to try and help him understand words to actions which you are doing with baby and small child. 🤦‍♀️ forget the haters!

kicking you all out at that time with small kids when fil was clearly being very rude and plain mean to him grandchildren.

to me it sounds like BIL family in the first week tired them out and was too much for them but instead of admitting that they took out on a small child.

when you don’t see them often and their grandchildren, most would think they would want to spend alone time to bond with them, different if they saw you every week and baby sat at weekends for you, but with the little amount of time they see them, I would have thought they would have baby sat… tbh. If they has said we are really worn out from the first week, then you could have worked things around them having more allow time for the first 3 days them some stuff together. Seems like lack of communication on their part tbh.

don’t take to heart most of the comments they are very harsh and seem to have missed the bullying of a child..