MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

UR NOT UNREASONABLE.

I would cut all ties with someone who threw us out in the middle of the night with 3 young children in tow! What utterly disgusting behaviour…. I probably would’ve refused though and just said we are going to bed and will look at flights and leave at the earliest opportunity!…. But I wasn’t there so don’t know how bad it got. If dad in law was threatening to call the police then maybe things were past just being able to walk away and go to bed!….
I would probably not even bother contacting them again, just leave them to there miserable life now and have nothing to do with them… what horrible people they sound!
leaving 2 adults in the pool with 2 children is not unreasonable, it was an hour not all day!!
Your boys don’t need to be around such toxic people!

You are polar polar polar opposites. It was probably best ye did leave when you did, the only thing I’d wonder about is the children being upset/ in tears- why was this? Because unfortunately this kind of crap happens on holidays/around the festive season eg, but kids don’t need to know what’s going on and you and your dh could have made it into an ‘x happened- eg flooding or something and we have to go, gps are just upset because of flooding or whatever’, then call it an adventure, say we’ll make the best of this and off we go

I think you did nothing wrong, neither did your poor husband. As a grandmother, I think your Pil are horrible, nasty people who don’t deserve your love and company. Regardless of any wealth they might pass on, I would say cut all ties and enjoy your lovely family. Ifyouget on with other relatives, make them the only family you care about.

I think your mil has really shown her true colours, she should have been delighted to look after your kids, it’s precious time and memory making, she obviously has no natural affection for her own grandkids. And the fact that she never once stood up for her son was appalling, she has also put a bully of man above every member of her family, she has also acted as an enabler for her husband, if she would have put him in his place everyone would have had a much happier life, so she’s really the weakest link not the fil. I might add, when he dies before her, she will be completely alone and begging to look after your kids…

It's never okay to bash someone's parenting, but I know plenty of PIL that do.
Why retain contact? I wouldn't.

The criticism won't cease or remain centred on your parenting either. I've seen PIL who start like this then escalate to bad-mouthing you to anyone else who will listen, the implications of which could be devastating.

It's entirely up to your husband whether he wants to cut contact with his parents or attempt to reconcile. All you can do is stay in the background and support him. Your FIL sounds obnoxious and I guess he was probably a bit drunk when the argument occurred.
I understand that your husband lost it after provocation but he behaved badly.
I don't understand why you feel it was your MIL's responsibility to intervene and be the peacemaker-it wasn't her argument.
I guess your MIL was quite tired. It's interesting that you say your mother at 74 is too old to help in any way with the children but MIL at 67 should be able to do all the cooking and babysit. (As someone between those ages the difference isn't really that great unless there are specific health problems.)
I would leave it up to your husband what he wants to do now. The main argument was between him and his Dad and it sounds as if his Dad has been putting him down for years. So far neither of the PIL have tried to make contact so all he has to do is do nothing.
If his Mum gets in touch it's his decision whether to respond but I wouldn't make it contingent on an apology from his Dad-she can't control other people's behaviour.

What a god damn awful experience, I’m surprised you didn’t leave sooner, parents in law sounds like a pair of tw*ts!

Go no contact.
family isn’t about genetics. They’re not family

So they pushed you out into the night with little children and nowhere to stay? They owe you a massive apology. Which you should decline to accept. They are horrid people.

Hi...been there done it! Tbh I wouldn't cut all ties. Maybe explain to the children that sometimes adults squabble too. My BIL's children were always a nightmare but they got taken out..taken on hols by my PIL. Ours didn't.. it used to infuriate me. Both of us - me and my SIL (we're married to the brothers) always got a raw deal and told we didn't discipline the grandchildren properly etc. My point is my OH isn't perfect and has issues so their parenting wasn't perfect was it? I think we look up to parents and hold them up more godly and worldly wise than the reality. At least your husband got things off his chest...might be a good thing. And yes maybe 2 weeks of young children was too much. Maybe your MIL isn't enjoying life too much with your FIL but obviously follows his lead. Do they like the same things, watch the same things? Melded into one? Maybe send a whatsapp saying "I will never forgive you for throwing your 3 gc out of a villa in a foreign country with nowhere to go. Can you both at least apologise to them?". Also, what does the BIL think?

There’s some quite nasty replies which aren’t going to help when you’re reaching out for support. Women attacking/ insulting and criticising op need to do their own healing work. Attacking another women is not ok. It’s misogyny. Stop it.

it was fil who made you leave and also threatened violence, sadly mil was also complicit. That’s very sad and ideally I hope she leaves fil who has probably abused her since the beginning. But that’s another kettle of fish.

hoping for kind and helpful behaviour from your in-laws is understandable and I think relatively healthy. Why assume people are going to be cruel and unhelpful?

my advice is don’t make any big decisions until you’re ready. It takes time to feel level again after this kind of incident.

after this trauma, make time for yourself and dh to receive some healing, counselling, pampering and get into your self care. You’re a good mum, a good woman and you deserve to be supported in a real way. Love and blessings ❤️

This sounds just like my grandparents and the experiences with both my dad and myself from them… I went NC long before my dad but he did too in the end. After years and years of disgraceful belittling (and the rest) from his own dad he’s at peace he stuck it out long enough and he’s disgraced it’s all be turned on him “he WAS a good son” got branded about for a while when actually not one other sibling of his ever did anything for them other then my dad. Likewise a bit how I got treated, visited all the time, shopping and trips out.
I walked away and said no more and I’ve never looked back.
please listen to your husbands request of no contact, it’s for very good reason!!! And suggest your husband has some counselling.
don’t let that crap parents anywhere near your family EVER again x

I wouldn't expect any grandfather to say his grandchild "didn't have balls".

FIL sounds like a nightmare but I think you had unrealistic expectations of MIL She was on holiday , cooking, doing laundry for 7 people and looking after a baby and two young children in a pool ? While you and DH asleep ? You said FIL didn’t do much so why leave her with all 3 children? Why not take it in turns with DH to sleep when children nap in afternoon?
Your have a nanny at home so maybe adjusting to having all 3 children all week was a shock ? Family holidays with young children usually mean time as a couple when they are asleep at night ?

You are not cutting ties they have done that for you already with their performance. Stay strong, work together and keep parenting as you are 3 happy children are proof of the pudding. Good luck and take care.

I’ve gone no contact with my mother for almost a year now, we would always fall out and I’ve always felt not good enough for her. She also always looks after my nephew and is always an issue to have mine boys. We had a huge falling out so it was difficult in the beginning but my life is so much better now and we live in the same village but so much less stress

And repeat!

I think you expected this to be a holiday for you rather than the in-laws as well. Seems to be self entitled to think they should step in and look after your dcs, when it does sound like the children are hard work. Nice if they do, but shouldn’t presume. And you’re playing down your DHs behaviour too during the incident. Sounds like you’re just not compatible enough to holiday together. I wouldn’t say going no contact is the solution though. Once you go down that road, it’s hard to ever repair the relationship in the future. I would maybe just go low contact. Sounds like you hardly see them anyway so it will probably make very little difference to either of your lives.

Probably you should all have gone to bed and if leaving was still the option in the morning then left at that time, because being told to leave at 1 am is totally unreasonable. What were your PILs thinking to turf small children into the night? Wait for them to apologise. This may be never, but never may be the answer you need. Your family sound much nicer and I am deeply sorry you had such a rotten time.

Whilst I get all the ‘two sides to every story’ position, inciting a fight with your own son and throwing your small grandchildren out in the middle of the night is unforgivably low. Your MIL will be conditioned to accept FIL behaviour. Your FIL is a bullying knob. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my children and couldn’t forgive them for that.

I suppose you may have a point, Live, but the PILs asked for the kids to visit and then criticised the OP's parenting skills, which is a no-no from your in-laws (unless, of course, you are thumping your children etc). They should have expected some interaction with the children, but they are quite small and the previous grandchildren had been older. It isn't fair to leave grandparents in charge for swimming etc - that's difficult. As a grandparent, I would never take on grandchildren for more than a couple of hours, though I know I am non-conforming in this as my DIL looks after her grandchildren every week-end and seems happy to do so (but my BIL, in a similar situation, finds it annoying!) Whole holiday seems to have been a mistake.

What a nightmare! Your poor husband! Glad he stood up to his awful father! At 65 and 67,they are not over the hill! We are 66 and 67 and love any opportunity to have our little 15month old granddaughter to ourselves. Yes it's tiring but we are retired and our little one lives in England we are in Scotland so it's precious long weekends wee tend to enjoy with each other. I would not allow your parents in law back in your lives at all. More for how they have treated your little ones! If you do keep it short and sweet. They were so lucky to have their grandchildren on holiday with them. Its their loss.

Sadly, some people are like your f&mil. Why shouldn't a little boy cry, why should they be expected to interact with a big person they don't really know? Children are all different. Some are quiet and others are just there to make everyone take notice of them. Your children sound lovely.
Sounds just like my ex m&fil, right down to the heavy drinking.
Concentrate on your little family. Send Christmas and Birthday cards and leave it at that. They will probably never see that they have huge issues and definitely never apologise to you.
It took me some years but I have finally realised that the best family is just us.

The talking aloud thing is what you're meant to do with children and babies at those ages: it's how they develop a sense of self and internal narrative. Anyone who didn't like it could simply have helped with one child to make it easier for the OP!