MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

If you don’t have safe and suitable childcare, you either accept you don’t get time off or you pay for it. Given the history with the PILs, I have no idea why they thought these were suitable babysitters, they sound awful people! They’re well rid.

People might say all sorts, they also might say they were lying down with the baby.

The story has changed, they were there for what 5 days, changing from MIL did the cooking to we took them out for a meal and we cooked is a big change as is the talking just to let child know what you are doing and doing it deliberately hoping for help.

My sympathy is still with the MIL.

Well they know them and they thought they were suitable which says something.

If they let you leave at 1am after waking up your small children then I would give up on the relationship.

it is easy to fall out with people on holiday but for them to take it that far is pretty awful behaviour.

have they tried to make ip

No they haven’t tried to make up and neither have we with them.

This thread has been really helpful. I honestly didn’t know my talking out loud would be so annoying and passive aggressive. I will definitely take that on board and change the way I communicate.

I will let DH decide what he would like to do and let him read this thread so he can see things from both viewpoints, as has been helpful to me.

I also appreciate the advice about holidays going forward and what to do. I think we did have the wrong expectation going into this holiday of thinking we may have a chance to have some quality time together. My ILs were quite clearly the wrong people to help us look after our dear children due to their ages and different parenting techniques and personalities.

When writing the post I did try to prevent drip feeding the information but it is hard to cover everything in enough detail.

Finally, I hope I haven’t offended any other mothers or parents. Whether working full time, part time or being a SAHP I think we can all agree parenting is hard work and tiring but we all try our best.

PIL have fallen out with various family members over the years. Both of them with members of his family and her own. MIL is quite capable of being just as bad as FIL. Again I have experienced this first hand as they fell out with FIL’s brother and his wife on our wedding night. Luckily, it was when the wedding had finished and we were having a quiet drink in the bar. Again all alcohol fuelled.

This is all you need to know. They sound utterly dysfunctional and emotionally volatile. Your FILs persistent efforts at dominance sound tiresome, he is obviously getting some thrill out of putting you and your children down so he isn’t going to stop doing that. I grew up with men and boys who do that and they don’t grow out of it. It is about them and their egos.

The next thing I would do is recover from this trip and do whatever minimises your exposure to the guaranteed negative emotions arising from their behaviour going forward.

OP i used to talk continuously to my children when young as I believed it helped them learn and understand words, increase their verbal skills and general ''knowledge''. Thought everyone did that.

I think there's big difference between talking to your children and explaining what's going on in the world around them and the OP's own comment which was
"I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!"

Personally i think the two people at fault here are you and your husband because you both knew what they were like but still decided to go on holiday with them.

How can you say that, given the context?

This is a man whose parents have bullied him his entire life, a FIL who has also bullied OP about her parenting for nearly a week on holiday, and made mean comments about their grandchildren. If they are fit enough to mind BIL's kids, wtf couldn't they do it for the grandchildren they barely see?

Finally, he snaps. Who can blame him? I certainly wouldn't. Throwing the phone in the hedge is quite trivial compared to all those years of abuse, and spoiling the first holiday Op and her DH have been on for years, in fact, their first family holiday.

I don't give a single shiny shit who did what, but I think what OP's DH did was the action/words of a man who has reached the end of his tether. His horrible parents have done a number on him over the years!!

Then we get posters like you, arms no doubt folded under ample bosoms with your face all screwed up as if you're chewing a wasp, sneering in disapproval!! The man has just had his own father offer to fight him - and dares to suggest calling the police ON HIS OWN SON - for the crime of swearing and being angry when he shares some home truths that he probably should have done years ago. Wise up. Total empathy bypass.

And then he compounds things by chucking out three babies, his son and DIL, when it's too late to get accommodation (personally I'd have refused but anyway) - doesn't even make contact when he sobers up the next day to see if they are ok, and his horror of a wife lets all of that happen!!

Do not DARE anyone call this long-suffering man violent. He's been fucking abused!! Some posters are so very obtuse!

@Mamma41it has to be your DH's decision - they're his parents - but I wouldn't want anything to do with them after that. It's unforgiveable, totally crosses the line. They will need him before he needs them. He is definitely a gentle giant if his reaction to a lifetime of abuse, and a litany of shitty comments during the holiday, is merely to throw a phone in a hedge. He didn't even throw it at them. I'd have had every sympathy if he had. They are cruel and vindictive, unworthy of your time, and have no interest in your children. Let them do one.

Don't be daft. Who could have predicted that? Do you have a crystal ball???

First of all OP, I'm sorry this happened and think well done your DH for standing up to them. You need to drop the rope and let him deal with it, or not as you see fit.

However... I do wonder exactly what everybody was expecting as a holiday with three children under four and a disabled boorish misogynistic grandparent was never going to be much fun for anybody. That is a LOT of work.

This line really jumped out at me: 'We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.'

You are being unreasonable for expecting a parenting site to not pick you up on this tbh.

You are unreasonable for not expecting the situation to be same shit, different climate, with some added domestic labour to look after your children without the amount of childcare you are used to, only one additional adult to help, and a disabled, elderly man with 'traditional views'. Add in some additional emotional labour to avoid blows with two people known for alcohol-fuelled fallings out with relatives that have led them to kicking your BIL, SIL and nieces and nephews out of their house before, and I am more than a little surprised you referred to this as a 'break'.

In that case, I think you should consider changing to present tense in your username.

Just how long did you want the OP to be?

As soon as I read they had the other grandchildren visiting the week before, I thought ‘uh oh, tantrum’ so I think you’re right it was probably too much for them. That’s not excusing their antics but as soon as I read you’d been thrown out I thought ‘I know these people!’ They don’t really seem to have much in the way of parenting skills themselves, do they? Saying a toddler has no balls is wild. I feel really sorry for your DH in this. It’s not easy being the adult child of these sort of people, I know his situation very well (over the years my parents have thrown me and DH out (over a flushed toilet) and my DB and SIL left my parents’ house in a snowstorm, with a baby (over a fight about bananas)).

Those arguments weren’t really about the toilet, or the bananas, it runs a lot deeper. So this wasn’t about your parenting. Some posters might be right that the running commentary could be seen as overkill and a bit PA, but it could also be seen as being a good attentive mother. Families are meant to cut each other a bit of slack, so don’t second guess yourself too hard. I’ve got some very trying family members but I ain’t throwing anyone out. That’s not the way to handle conflict.

I’d be inclined to let them hang as they grow. If there’s a rapprochement offered, DH can be the one to decide if he wants to take them up on it. I can see why you’d never want to see their faces again after the way they’ve carried on. And sure, they paid for the villa, but that doesn’t make the rest of it less selfish. Three kids and nowhere to go is just poor.

Doing anything other than supporting DH in whatever decision he makes could cause tension between you and you sound like you’re a strong couple. Low and short contact is the way ahead (if it’s re-established). If they don’t apologise, ah well, that’s life. Props to your DH for not taking it any more, he sounds like a good one, so what if he didn’t handle it perfectly, tempers do get lost but this sounds a bit more like a final straw type deal, and I admire a man for sticking up for his wife and kids.

The op updated and it looks like the mil can stick up for herself she supported her husband. The op posted that he listens to her mil and she chose not to say anything when he kicked them out with small children. You can't defend that behaviour and they were in a foreign country when it happened. The op did post that they helped clean and cook and took them out for a meal.

Well you are the viper aren't you so you're in the right place. It wouldn't have taken significantly longer really to say I lay down with the baby and why say MIL cooked if actually MIL, OP and her husband all cooked, it would have been quicker to leave it out altogether rather than say one thing and then change it.

She added that they took them out for a meal and changed the story about who cooked.

The MIL asked OP to intervene and she chose not to. Maybe MIL was frightened of her son who was swearing and throwing her phone in a hedge?

@CurlewKate a lot of people do not have extended family networks or family nearby. And most have friends with kids who are of a similar age.

Nights off are rare….. to expect grandparents who barely know the children to look after them for several occasions throughout a holiday when they are as young and numerous as OP’s. It’s completely obvious that it wouldn’t work. Strikes me as entitled and naive to think otherwise.

What mil was scared of her own child who she shat out of her vagina are you serious. Now you're making it up. It was the fil who put his fists up wanting a punch up are you justifying violence?

Good on him throwing the phone in the bush the police would have taken her fil away and their children would have been traumatised.

@adriftinadenofvipers I read the 2 updates by the OP where she details how her in-laws have previously treated family yet still decided to go on free holiday with them HTH

You're right and later on when they need support it will be entitled of them if they think they will get it.

Op tell your husband cut all ties and start healing. Don't let them get to your children and the cycle starts again.

@adriftinadenofvipers…… despite said trauma and bullying DH was happy to go on holiday with his parents and have them pay for it.

The DH was unable to exert any sense of self control and launched into a torrent of verbal abuse and swearing at his inebriated pensioner father which provoked a nonsensical “ok let’s fight” scenario and threats to call the police to stop the verbal abuse.

The children’s parents made the decision to take off in the middle of the night after an argument when asked to leave by a drunk and emotional person. I personally wouldn’t have left either because who would do that to their kids?!

The in-laws are obviously horrendous. But the couple were expecting far too much from the arrangement in terms of childcare and the passive aggressive behaviour of the wife coupled with the unhinged behaviour of the husband is 50% of the shit sandwich in this situation.

Mental abuse is horrible and when you have grown up with that abuse you don't want believe it or see it. It takes years for adults who have suffered emotional abuse to speak out. I understand him I have been there myself and it took me a long time to see sense. My partner supported me right the way through encouraging me to see them for what they are. The op and her husband needs to put there children first or else they will be the ones who suffer.