MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

sounds awful.
this was at the beginning of august?
have they been in touch?
you only see them 3 or 4 times a year.

what does your DH want to do - it is his parents and his row with his df

Well your FIL sounds like a complete arse, but you and your husband watched your own children while MIL did all the cooking and washing for seven people?! That's no holiday for her. Your title said MIL kicked you out but then you say you left because of the fight between your husband and FIL, which she had no part of.
If your husband has such a poor relationship with his father why on earth didn't he warn you and why go on holiday with them?
Your husband swearing, shouting and throwing his mum's phone in a bush isn't great either. Clearly you don't get along, so there's no obligation to have ongoing contact.

Poor you! They've definitely shown their true colours. I would not be having a thing further to do with them at all! Thank goodness you didn't see them much anyway.

What is your husband's relationship like with his brother?

This hasn’t come out of the blue, they’ve been abusing your DH for years and he reached his limit.

They’re using his reaction to them as “proof” he’s the issue when he isn’t.

Support your DH when he says he wants to go no contact and keep your DC away from them. Too toxic for DH, too toxic for DC.

He’ll be processing a lot of things that have happened to him and will benefit from talking to someone to get it all out.

Wow. What utterly cruel Pils. I wouldn't ever speak to my parents if they did to my family.

It sounds like a pressure cooker waiting to explode - and then it did. Sorry it happened but it sounds overdue.

Has your husband ever had counselling?

I hope it was cathartic to write it all down.

This was clearly the wrong holiday for you. You needed an AI resort, or to bring the nanny with you. It was foolish to expect to have a good time under these circumstances.

You can cut all ties with your PIL but let your DH make his own decision. It's a much bigger step for him.

Your FIL sounds horrible.

I can understand them not wanting to look after all 3 very young boys on their own, and they probably did need some down time after your BIL visit, but FIL sounds like a bully. Your 2 year old has no balls ? Seriously, FIL is deeply unpleasant.

Your DH knows them and has decided he has had enough. That is not unreasonable. I would cut them off for less if it was my decision.

Put this behind you, and get on with your full and busy lives. There is no room for negative people in them.

Your thread title says MIL but it was your FIL who kicked you out.
They sound absolutely bloody appalling. Violent, vindictive arseholes.

I can't believe anyone could behave so awful! It must have been so upsetting.

I think you should take your DH's lead on whether he wants to break all contact. Try to downplay things in front of the DC - they don't need to know the ins and outs.

Do you get on with your BIL and his family?

most important thing here is your relationship with DH and how he backed you up so many times when FIL was attacking you

I’d fuck the PIL, they’re idiots and no one cares.

your future is your DH and kids
x

Another person wondering why you are blaming your MIL when this was between your husband and his father..

Anyway, cutting ties with these awful people sounds like the sensible thing to do. Your poor husband. I never understand how people can treat one of their children like they have to him, while doing everything they can for their other child, it’s just cruel. Sounds like they do not bring anything positive to your life, so there is no point trying to continue a relationship with them, especially as they have started on your children - what kind of person complains that a 2 year old has no balls - wtf?!

I’m sorry for the loss of your father. My in-laws were a bit useless too, although not mean like yours, and I remember thinking after I lost my dad how unfair it was that he had died and they were still going strong!

What I’m understanding from your post is

1. Your PIL invited you on holiday for a week at their expense (you paid your own travel but they paid the accommodation costs)
2. they babysat your young children twice in the first 5 days even though they don’t know them all that well but you bagged them to do more than that
3. you spend the first 5 days being a passive aggressive martyr keeping up a running commentary of all the chores you were doing in the hope that someone would step in and help you with them rather than just asking directly for help
4. your husband lost his rag and confronted his parents when they had had quite a bit to drink with a litany of complaints about his childhood, things escalated and they asked you to leave

Honestly I don’t think either your family or PIL come out well in all of this. In their shoes I might have asked you to cut the holiday short and leave the next morning if the row was as nasty as you claim but kicking you all out in the middle of the night was extreme. It sounds like it was a violent argument though if your FIL threatened to hit your DH and your DH was screaming and swearing to the extent that the police were almost called! On the other hand it sounds like you were entitled and ungracious guests and it sounds like some very hurtful stuff was said to and about the PIL which was not actually relevant to the trigger for the argument. If your DH had such an unhappy childhood why was he accepting a free holiday from his parents, expecting them to be on sole care of his own children on multiple occasions on the holiday and why has he never raised any of it with them before?

Up to you what you do next - or rather your DH. Some therapy to understand his childhood experiences and to determine whether this is something he needs to and wants to explore with his parents in a more controlled way and without any alcohol involved in the equation.

I agree with @Katrinawaves 100%. It was a combined ‘effort’ you went in with a lot of expectations of your MIL. You’ve been ‘let down’ but this is against your expectations, not what you were told would happen.

Additionally like PP have said it seems with the alcohol and all inhibitions gone true feelings were aired. Maybe they felt unsafe if your DH was shouting and throwing phones. It’s a sad situation all round, I’d say your DH needs some therapy and you take a step back from ILs.

I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

I'd find this SO annoying and passive aggressive. You chose to have three DC; you deal with them!

FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

What made you think it would be a good idea to go on holiday with them??

Did you do any of the cooking or shopping on holiday, or did MIL do it all?

FIL's behaviour was terrible. I'd have had a sharp word the first time he'd said anything negative like your ds has no balls. Hasn't he been like that bedfore>? Did you have no idea that was what he was like?

And you could have handled leaving better. Sure, it must have been a shock for you all, esp. the dc, but you could have made the best of it and turned it into an adventure rather than

we ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

which just sounds martyr-ish.

I'd suggest your dh would benefit from counselling to unpick his relationship with his parents, especially his father, but you weren't without fault.

I agree with @Katrinawaves's post. You all have things to learn from this.

I don’t think anyone comes out of this really well.

But yes, FIL and MIL sound awful and I would not have anything more to do with them.

That must have been a horrible experience, your FIL sounds awful and think you'd be entirely justified in not talking to him again.

Unless there's a lot more too it, it also sounds a lot like you are blaming a huge amount on your MIL, and unless there's a lot you haven't said, she didn't kick you out, is likely mistreated by your FIL like your DH was, and your DH should maintain individual contact if he could.

I also don't think it's ok to leave a 67 year old to do all the cooking and cleaning for 7 people while 2 parents look after 3 kids. As you say, leaving them with the grandparents with 2 of 3 asleep shouldn't have been hard - but then after saying no to that, it sounds like she was left effectively alone (given FIL isn't much help) to look after 2 very young children and a baby in the pool, which even for an hour, is quite reasonably too much. Was your DH helpful to you on holiday or was he actually leaving you to do a lot, when you say you needed to let the older ones wait while doing the baby etc?

I also agree with @Katrinawaves post. Seems like there were issues on both side which exploded when your DH brought up childhood issues, not really great timing.

I agree with all this. If I was PIL I would have told a man shouting and swearing and who took a phone off me to throw in the hedge when I was going to call the police to leave for the night too. I would have allowed you and your children to stay. The children must have been very upset with DH behaviour.

You all sound awful I’m afraid and this holiday was a terrible idea. You brought this on yourself by you DH arguing and getting violent (sorry but throwing a phone in a hedge when someone is threatening to call police IS violent). You should have not brought this up with a pissed off drunk man on holiday.

You sound like you’d all be better just leaving things to cool and not engaging again.

The constant nitpicking from FIL sounds dreadful. Was this a total surprise?

Agree it doesn't sound like a holiday for MIL. Did your husband do any of the cooking and shopping for food?

I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!
I'd find this SO annoying and passive aggressive.
Totally agree. Who were you expecting to help?

I'm baffled at you leaving in the middle of the night. Why didn't you say 'enough of this. We will go to bed now and leave tomorrow'. A bit overdramatic to get the kids up and drive through the night.

Ugh, the talking out loud thing drives me fucking insane. There was a woman doing this all day at the pool on holiday, neither the kids nor her husband batted an eyelid. They were all quite content sitting, playing, splashing about. Meanwhile, "okay joshy, mummy is just going to fold these towels and then we'll get you a drink. Adam, mummy will have to pop more suncream on you in a second won't she? Oh look there's Erica! You remember Erica? From the disco, mummy is just going to wave to Erica and then we will get you a sandwich. Or a pizza. You like the pizza don't you? Shall we ask daddy to get you some pizza? Daddy, should we get a pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

FUCK OFF! Seriously.

Why are you blaming a 67 year old woman who has babysat 3 little ones, cooked and cleaned up after 7 people on holiday. Been asked to do even more than that and had to listen to the incessant wittering from her DIL while her "gentle giant" sweary son (who throws his mums phone in a bush ) makes digs at her big fat boozy pig of a husband?

I expect from your MIL's point of view there is a whole other post here about how they paid for your accomodation, she did all of the cooking for 7 people and they babysat for you to have a night out plus an hour rest in the day while they supervised 3 under 5s around water, which could be hugely stressful (why can't you and DH take it in turns to rest?) And you still asked for more babysitting and made passive aggressive narrating out loud comments about how much you were doing. She'd probably be told not to host you again.

HOWEVER your FIL is obviously a bullying sexist twat and I wouldn't want my kids around him too much anyway with his toxic masculinity. Well done DH for standing up to a bully. And of course it's very unreasonable to kick family out in the middle of the night, although it does sound like FIL could have got violent if you hadn't left so maybe just as well.

And I never understand why some posters think swearing or raising your voice when upset is anywhere near on the same level of bad behaviour as violence or threats of violence, although I do think throwing her phone was taking it far too far and lost some of the higher ground.

It's probably for the best you left before things escalated further, and that it's all out in the open now so you know what a bully FIL is and you can decide how to handle things from now on.

I think these things are hard to understand when you come from a family which functions reasonably well. I understand that you can only give a sketch of what happened on the holiday. But based on your sketch, and what you said in it about your DH, all I can say is - support him. If he thinks it's best never to see his mum and dad again, support him. It seems weird and mad when you come from a functioning family - but he doesn't.

I’d be led by your dh, it’s his family & they sound complete cunts.