MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

Also - if the husband had been abused by his father and that abuse enabled by his mother, as the OP describes, then no, that absolutely isn't the same as a phone being chucked in a hedge. It certainly isn't 'six of one, half a dozen of the other'. FFS.

That sounds like terrible behaviour from your PILS to you and their GC. I wouldn't bother with them again after that. If the kids ever ask why e.g. the 4 year old now, the others later, tell them their GPs threw you all out in the middle of the night in a foreign country and there's some things you can't forgive.

I’ve got three kids, DH not home until later, I manage to cook dinner every night?

None of you come out of this covered in glory.

MIL doing all the cooking,
You doing a running commentary which can be very irritating, and also three under fives make a lot of incidental noise.

Your husband is also unreasonable for shouting and throwing his mother's phone in a hedge, all a bit high drama.

The Father in law sounds silly with his ''Has no balls'' statement- maybe the 4 yr old was constantly whingeing and wanting your attention.

You chose to leave the Villa, you weren't evicted.

It would have been far better for you to have hired a nearby villa , paid the nanny to do the childcare, and met up with your husband's parents occasionally.

Add alcohol, different personalities, and this was never going to be a pleasant relaxing holiday for anyone.

Or we could just believe what the OP says seeing as none of us were there and she's telling us what happened

That’s precisely what I’m doing.

MIL cooked and did the washing.

DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years.

DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

Plenty of couples - there were two of them - manage to look after their children and cook a dinner.

Respectfully, you said in your post that Mil did nothing to diffuse the arguement or calm things, but it didn't sound like you attempted to diffuse the situation either.

It does sound like you didn't have the best week and that FIL was being very unpleasant but for the sake of harmony I would have attempted to smooth the situation over until drink wasn't involved.

You are well within your right to cut ties but do you not think it would be worth a grown up conversation first to see if things can be resolved?

It does sound as if alcohol plays a large part in your PILs' lives and it could be reason for their seemingly cold and irrational behaviour.

The fil is obviously appalling and I would say the OP and her dp ought never to see him again and certainly not let him interact with the children. But it does strike me that the MIL hasn't really done anything wrong except not intervening. It sounds to me as if she is in an abusive relationship. I don't know why she seems to be the main guilty party in the OP's post. Different people have different tolerances of swearing and throwing things-and the dp had been goaded unforgivably. But I'd be a bit wary if I was the OP-he was brought up in this toxic atmosphere of violence and he might not have escaped its influence.

''To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around''

THIS in spades.

I'm not a grandparent, but it does sound pretty heavy going.

I agree. Your FIL sounds very unpleasant, the comment about a two year old having no balls would have deeply troubled me and probably would have resulted in him being kicked up the arse into the pool. However, I do feel that you went into this holiday with the wrong expectations. Having young children can be exhausting and it sounds like you work extremely hard. However, a family holiday should be about everybody spending time together, it should not have been about you and your DH needing childcare so you can have some alone time. I felt the bit about you leaving your three children in the pool whilst you went to have a lie down was unreasonable. This was probably too much for your inlaws to manage. Unfortunately, going on holiday does not mean a break from children. In future, could you and DH take some annual leave and spend the day together whilst your nanny is caring for the children?

Totally agree.
I think you need to shoulder some responsibility here as well.

Lol yeah you've cherry picked the bits to fit the narrative you and a few others have invented to paint the OP as the bad guy in this rather than the abusive FIL and enabling MIL, both of whom were drunk.

It's easy to look after your kids and cook dinner in your own home, not so much in someone else's.

Next year, go on your own, somewhere with a lot of support. Take the Nanny because it seems as if she is the primary parent in your family. (Though I suppose she needs annual leave sometime).

Keep the running commentary in your head. Ask your DH to do some support ie go in the pool with the kids.

Discourage him from chucking things around , especially if they are valuable/ useful.

Before you condemn your MIL for not intervening, consider what her life might be like living with this man.

I also used to talk to my children about what I was doing during the day, I didn’t do it around other people though, except when needed, as it is very irritating!

Spiteful post.

She clearly shouldn't have mentioned the nanny as it's brought out the green-eyed monster in a few on here.

The fil sounds like a horrible bully but i also dont like pa talking out loud-ask for help or just get on with it

i also couldnt look after 3 kids in the pool that age

its probably best if you all go nc

It's easy to look after your kids and cook dinner in your own home, not so much in someone else's.

They were in a self catering holiday villa. There are plenty of AI options for people who struggle to cook dinner and look after the kids. OP shouldn’t have expected anyone else to be providing meals for her family.

Also, I think you’re trivialising the word “abuse”. OP hasn’t said that DH was abused. Bad parenting doesn’t automatically mean abuse. If DH was “abused” by his father, it seems a little bizarre that he’d agree to a week holiday with them, especially as he’s taken his three children.

Very true about the Nanny- The children probably miss her , too.
They probably didn't want to be left with grandparents they didn't know well, and children do like stability.

I feel sorry for your MIL. You're blaming her for kicking you out when she didnt do anything of the sort, she's married to a dickhead and she's cooked and washed all week.

FIL Sounds like an ugly drunk and a bully. I expect alcohol abuse explains a lot about his demeanor. MIL sounds like a soggy 50’s housewife. You are far, far better off with the nanny.

I would take the lead from your DH on what he wants to do. But going no or low contact for a while is probably a good idea.

Before you condemn your MIL for not intervening, consider what her life might be like living with this man.

Indeed. It's her I actually feel most sorry for. Yes, she could/should have intervened before things got out of hand, but she is probably cowed and beaten down after a lifetime with her brute of a husband.

Why is she with him? Who knows... I expect it's complicated...

It's easy to look after your kids and cook dinner in your own home, not so much in someone else's.

But the children's father was also there. Surely between 2 parents they could have looked after 3 kids and made a meal? I'd have agreed if OP was on her own though.

Nope. I fully understand the word 'abuse.' My dad was physically abused by his own father - by which I mean beaten the crap out of - but still went to stay with him with his own young kids to try and heal the relationship. It didn't work.

Think I know what I'm talking about, probably better than you.

God. What awful, vindictive people. Not in the least bit surprised your husband doesn't want to see them again. It sounds like you've been caught up in a pressure cooker that's been building for years.