MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

I agree with this. You state in passing that your own DM doesn't look after your children at all but seem to have had an expectation that your MIL would be looking after your children on her holiday, even after she has already paid for your accommodation.

Having said that your FIL sounds deeply unpleasant.

I wouldn't be too angry with your MIL though, she doesn't seem to have done much wrong except not step in when you think she should have, but if FIL is so unpleasant in company, I dread to think what he is like behind closed doors. She may have been too frightened to contradict him.

I think I'd actually be getting DH to have a private chat with MIL and check she is ok.

Your in-laws sound rather opinionated and hot headed. I can imagine they are difficult to get on with. Perhaps a bit set in their ways so to speak.

But, my word, you sound entitled, and hard work.

As per PP, describing "pizza mum" there's literally nothing more annoying than the constant commentary, it's such performance parenting. And the fact you openly say you were doing it in the hope others would hear and take some of your "load" suggests you were doing it in a passive aggressive way as well.

Why do you think other people should have been looking after your own children even more than they had been, and you shouldn't be?

no idea exactly what your MIL did wrong

She helped push her son, daughter in law and 3 tiny grandchildren out of the house in the middle of the might in a foreign country with nowhere to go.

If you can't see the issue.........

She didn't prevent her aggressive, controlling husband from doing it. That's not the same thing

The main point I'd like to comment on is that you work a 40 hour week. You probably don't see that much of your children. Yet you wanted them minded so you could have alone time with your husband on your family holiday.
And your in laws did mind them. But not enough for you.
Now maybe I am being judgement but I also work full time and use holidays to spend lots of time with my children. It can be tiring. But this is your time off to spend time with them. Not try to offload them.
Yes it can be tiring particularly when you have a nanny at home and you are not to so much child company. Talk to your husband when they are napping (which you said both children are still doing).

Holidaying with those who rate alcohol highly isn't a great idea imo. We are nc with ils also op. It is mind blowingly bloody amazing!

op. Just another question…
why did you and your husband have to both go out to get more alcohol?
your post sounds like you left the kids again with your in laws while you went out to get some wine etc which is surely a one adult job when you have three kids to look after.
i have two children (older than yours) and being in a pool with them isn’t relaxing because you’re worried about safety constantly. So your mil looking after three small children in the pool while you and your husband « rested » is a massive ask.
it does kind of sound that you expected to have a lovely relaxing time as a couple with in laws on tap for chores and frequent childcare.

it doesn’t sound like a very enjoyable holiday for your in laws.

but the whole things sounds really awful for all involved.

the things your FIL said belittling your children are awful and I can imagine he said similar to your OH growing up so there’s probably a lot of deep hurt there.

let your OH decide about seeing them/not seeing them in due course but he’d probably benefit from therapy.

FIL is a cunt. It’s that simple. Everything else is just life with young children. Don’t blame poor MIL as her holiday was spent cooking and fielding her pig of a DH.
So, you free yourself by never seeing them again and protecting your DC from them too (the no balls comment is toxic)
Support you DH if he wants to see them/ doesn’t want to see them
Become more assertive about the support you need - muttering about what you are doing is passive aggressive nonsense and you need to stop that

Whilst I don't think your PIL are great, your DH losing his temper and throwing your mil phone into a hedge when they clearly felt threatened is a massive massive red flag.

And yes if you need help ask for it. I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!. This is weird.

I can't help thinking if you aren't between you able to look after your kids yourself on holiday you would have done better going somewhere with kids clubs/taking the nanny.

The whole holiday was an ill conceived plan.

Here's what you do: Stay out of your dh's complicated relationship with his awful parents.

Be supportive, follow his lead if he does want to call or see them, listen when he talks. Obviously don't see them yourself or bring the dc. If he wants to bring the dc, he can.

But you don't ever have to see or speak to them again. And you should not. Fortunately this was such a dramatic display of toxic masculinity that you are 100% justified in turning your back on them.

Whilst I don't think your PIL are great, your DH losing his temper and throwing your mil phone into a hedge when they clearly felt threatened is a massive massive red flag

It really isn't.

Hear hear!

Also agree with @BalletBob

The middle of the night searching for a hotel saga must have been very traumatic for your children, but your husband was the catalyst for this altercation. You could have tried to defuse the situation by insisting that you go to bed.

And stop being a passive aggressive martyr. Did you really expect a woman in her mid-60s to do everything, including babysitting, after she had already hosted another family the previous week?

Someone else mentioned that your husband needs counselling to address his childhood issues. I agree.

OP, did mil really cook every meal or was that a typo? You said you and DH watched your kids and mil did all the cooking and washing? Even though you said yourself that the kids are easy in the afternoon when the little ones sleep and the eldest goes on his iPad

Completely agree with every word of this.

I agree with a lot of what has been posted. I genuinely can’t for the life of me see why you were looking for your children to be minded on holiday. I also cannot see why you and your husband weren’t involving yourselves with cooking and cleaning and I don’t get your own chore narration, that would be more than irksome. You treated your mil like a skivvy, that makes you and your DH sound really bad and entitled.

All that said your FIL sounds incredible narcissistic. I’d be giving him a very wide berth going forward.

Don't know a single man who throws phones who hasn't got a propensity to violence.

A man who is prepared to throw phones to stop you accessing help when you feel you need it is not a man I would consider safe to be around.

I think no contact is the only way forward from this. They are clearly abusive, you do not need that in yours or your children’s lives and I think you should fully support your DH in not seeing them again too if that’s what he wants.

"BUT you NEVER throw the children out. EVER. For that alone, I would never speak to them again."

They didn't. Calm down. The OP said they expected the kids to stay there, it was the OP that dragged her kids out of bed.

FIL is a toxic, narcissistic bully with alcoholic tendencies. No or very low contact is the way forward. If it helps your DH, he should write him a long letter detailing all the childhood emotional abuse, belittling etc - if that would help your DH to move forward. Sometimes it helps to write the letter and put it in a box. Then he can reread it a month or so later and see if he is ready to send it.

The complication is the MIL and how your DH’s relationship with her is meant to pan out in the long run. Unfortunately the spouse is often an enabler. This is where things get very tricky emotionally. Again, a letter is the way forward, if you think that might help your DH.

In all of this you should be completely guided by your DH and just listen to what he needs to get off his chest. Never ever guilt trip into not having a relationship with them, just listen and support.

Support your DH and save your kids from their revolting influence... no need to ever see them again. They don't deserve any of you.

The son who gets their support and a relationship with their grandparents for his children... pity them.

Why on earth are you blaming your MIL for this?

Agree with a lot of PPs here. None of the adults managed this situation well. Your expectations were too high. You have 3 very young DC who aren't close to these GPs. Managing them on a holiday and around a pool would be a big ask. Also MIL did all cooking and washing so I'd imagine she felt like she was doing her bit and your request for more childcare might have tipped her/them over the edge.

If you felt like you were doing everything you should have been direct 'DH bobby needs more suncream on can you go help him while i take little joey to the toilet'. Or just a very simple 'Dh, your turn!' There is absolutely no need for you to have done everything (minus cooking and washing) for the kids if your partner is with you.

In this situation i would have firmly said we will leave in the morning and gone to bed. Dragging 3 young kids about in the middle of the night is insane.

All that said your FIL sounds like an absolute pig. If your DH wants to continue a relationship with him then support him but that doesn't mean you need to be in his company again anytime soon. Set your own boundaries for this going forward.

Based on what you have written your FIL is clearly a dickhead and not seeing him again sounds like a good plan for your DH but I can't see what your MIL has done wrong. It reads like you expected a free holiday and someone to do the childcare for you but they are your kids. I hope you and DH took your turns cleaning and cooking otherwise it's a crap holiday for your mil.

I find it odd you were so keen to have your in-laws repeatedly look after their children when they had been making those kind of comments about them. I think getting to go out for dinner one night is pretty good going really. I don't think anyone has covered themselves in glory here tbh

This.

You seem to be bothered that you were expected to look after your own children ? Why weren't you helping your mil. Why was she doing everything?
Your fil sounds like a dick but your husband shouted at him and threw his mums phone in a Bush!

You all sound as bad as each other