MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

It all sounds ridiculous and FIL sounds unpleasant, but honestly your expectations from this free holiday were mismatched from the start.

This.

We've been on holiday with IL - they invited themselves after finding out where we were going and when - we had separate accommodation - ate evening meals part they had paid for dinning - and IL - MIL especially would play with the kids - and we went to a child friendly location and expected it to be exhausting with young kids and it was still a strain on us all.

It was a disaster. Three small children are usually a handful especially on holiday. Your ils had no patience. Your husband told them a few home truths. Not the time or the place. The whole thing sounds an absolute nightmare.

Another one agreeing with @Katrinawaves. Fil sounds awful but the apple doesn’t seem to have fallen far from the tree. I’d really like to hear the other side of this. Particularly from mil who appears to be getting the blame for some obscure reason.

Agree with this.
Also agree with the pps who commented that the passive-aggressive running commentary on everything with small children is an incredibly annoying habit, just be direct and ask if you need help.

What rot! FIL didn't feel he needed help, he was using threats to call the police to try and intimidate his family further. The red flags are all over the inlaws, not the DH.

I've thrown a phone before. I'm not violent. You've got the whole thing arseways, as have many others here.

Sounds like a lot of unresolved issues here! 3 small boys is hard work for anyone really.The situation was getting out of control .They were knobs for kicking you out in the night ,but had you stayed the situation could have spiralled out of control into something worse! You have a lot on your plates working FT,but your In laws arent babysitters! MIL was probably tired as well.Maybe let your DH decide what to do.

Are you saying that if drunk crazy inlaws threw you out of the villa, on holiday, in the middle of the night, after being constantly awful about your children, you would leave your children with them?

Is there something wrong with you?

They sound awful but it’s mad how you thought they should do more because you were doing loads. Of course you was, they’re your kids!!!! Holidays aren’t really holidays did no one tell you that? Sounds awful on both sides to be honest. They sound horrid but there’s no way I would have hinted at them to do more with my kids. Very entitled way of thinking.

The inlaws sound appalling, I'd cut all ties. It reminds me of when my dad tried to reconcile with his abusive father, went over to South Africa to stay with him and his wife, then he and his young kids (not me) just got subjected to the abuse all over again. Leopards don't change their spots.

There are always a bunch of defensive grandparents on here who defend the grandparents no matter what - maybe it should rename itself Grandmasnet - so ignore them.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads

In all fairness, OP says this is what her FIL said she did, not what she actually does/did.
We don't know if she really does the loud talking thing.

I'm afraid this would be the end of the relationship for me. I would let DH decide if he wanted to see them and not interfere in that, but I'd be done with it. Unless they made a huge effort to apologise and admit their wrongs.

I might be biased as a mother, MIL, grandmother of a similar age to your MIL but all I can think is that poor woman, running round after her overweight husband, being expected to cook and do the washing for 7 people and being judged for not doing enough babysitting for you and then having her phone thrown away and no one listening when she's asking everyone to calmdown and go to bed. To top it all she's the one getting the blame!

Sorry can't get past that.

I think you are not used to looking after your own children and were shocked at the amount of hard work. A full time job plus nanny is undoubtedly much easier than staying at home with 3 children! It is hard work looking after 3 little ones, however it's your choice to have them and your MIL was already doing the cooking and washing. Really it should have been you/husband doing half the cooking and all of your own washing as well as all childcare. Perhaps they could have looked after one of the children at a time to help bond with them - all 3 is a ridiculous ask of grandparents who barely know them. It's hard enough looking after 3 when they're your own! If you needed to sleep then your husband should look after them and take it in turns to sleep.

But yes FIL sounds awful. I would wait for the dust to settle. If you previously got on well, then no need to cut ties completely, but keep the contact short and infrequent.

All of this with bells on.

I agree it does sound particularly shit for the MIL here.

Actually we do - you even quoted her:

For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads

So based in your post it sounds like you asked several times for grandparents to babysit inspite them being clear they did not want to. By day 4 they had babysat on 3 occasions and declined 1. That's a lot , I'm guessing you are use to the nanny taking over when needed but it was unreasonable to assume grandparents would do the same. Also you left all cooking and cleaning to your mil? Between you and your family you should have been contributing 50% .

However your fil should not be commenting on your parenting at All and his comments about your child show what a misogynistic twat he is. The game again sound like your fil being a twat and mil colluding with it. It sounds like in his life women are subservient.

Your dh lost it maybe he went too far but it sounds like he snapped after a life time of not reacting. But by far the worst act was for mil and fil to kick you out in the middle of the night. That is inexcusable. Even if they no longer wanted to continue the holiday they should have asked u to make alternative arrangements in the morning. How awful for your children to be woken at that hour and made to leave.

I personally wouldn't want anything more to do with them. Firstly because I wouldn't want my children to be around a man with such toxic views. And secondly because they saw nothing wrong in forcing you out the Villa in the middle of the night. Support your dh and leave them to it.

What a horrible experience and at the hands of your inlaws!
I would be cutting ties to be honest, I wouldn't let my kids near them and I would not ever put myself through that again or give them a chance to do repeat that scene.

I've little doubt the FIL believes he was totally in the right and will never waver. Sounds like he's this way for life and alcohol means he'll never have to think too deeply about anything. The MIL is so bet down she might also believe that but in time when the abscence starts to become obvious at Christmas or if one of them gets ill, she'll probably start trying to reach out in months or years to come but will still deny any responsibility. She made her bed with her husband years ago and will probably stay there because she is too weak. If she couldn't stand up for her son when he was a child I can't see her doing it when he is a man.

I hope you and your DH discuss this a lot and make some peace with it. It's not a nice thing to deal with and I can see how it would really affect your DH.

I don't think much of anyone who doesn't protect expensive/precious things especially when angry. It shows a reckless disregard for consequences.

You break a phone someone has to pay for it, people can't contact you, you can't contact others, can't access bank accounts etc. There are consequences monetary, emotionally and practically. At least if its your phone its predominantly you dealing with the fallout

But throwing soneobe elses phone in case someone does something is way worse. Its about controlling a situation and removing someone else's choices.

Abuse is about removing another person's choices in how to respond. Instead of taking responsibility and controlling your own response you are removing someone else's choices

It's not hard to see the correlation between that and a naturally abusive individual.

That poor woman, drinking, helping her husband abuse his family, pushing her son and DIL out of the house in the middle of the night, favouring her other son and his children massively. She DIDNT ask anyone to calm down, she didn't talk to her husband, she didn't help at all.

Wah wah. Poor lady.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties?

No.
Hope that helps.

They sound like really horrible people, I mean... making such a drama infront of the children and kicking you out in a foreign country in the middle of night with little children?

Is this for real? If it is then you need to go NC with them for the rest of your lives. Block them on every thing and teach your kids that it's not OK to put up with anyone who kicks you out in the middle of the night.

Ah sorry!
Ignore me. Clearly my reading skills aren't working today.

A full time job plus nanny is undoubtedly much easier than staying at home with 3 children!

OMG it really isn't! Been there, done that - it is beyond exhausting. And the sort of jobs that come with a salary that can afford a nanny is very rarely 9 to 5...

This, in spades.